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Here's a pop/rock (or country/pop) lyric I whipped up over the last couple of days. I originally tried to write a different verse 4 for it, but I think I'm better off just repeating verse 2, since I envision it more like a build. I'm trying to follow couch's advice to just say whatcha gotta say and not a verse more.

Anyway, please tell me what you think of this one, and if anyone wants to put it to music, that would be fantastic. I think it lends itself well to a Gin Blossoms-type treatment. BTW, the words in parentheses in the bridge are for background singers. Thanks in advance!


WHEN MELISSA FALLS
©2001 Anthony Torres
All rights reserved

(Verse 1)
The look in his eyes
Concealing his lies
Keeps pulling her in again
She tries to resist
But once she’s been kissed
She can’t say they’re only friends

(Verse 2)
Over and over
Though her conscience has told her
“He’s too good to be true to you”
Deeper and deeper
Her descent's getting steeper
And she’ll be hurt before it’s through

(Chorus)
When Melissa falls
It’s even faster than a teardrop
And harder than a cheater’s heart
When Melissa falls
It’s down to dark clouds from a clear top
‘Cause when Melissa falls, she falls apart

(Verse 3)
He says all the things
That give her heart wings
To take her above their past
But deep down, she knows
That the higher she goes
The more this new love can’t last

(Repeat Verse 2)

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
She thinks--
“(Maybe this time) It’ll be different”
“(Maybe this time) He'll prove he's the one”
(But every time) she starts to believe it
That familiar pain has just begun

‘Cause--
(Chorus)

(Tag)
When Melissa falls
When Melissa falls
When Melissa falls, she falls apart


[This message has been edited by Anthony (edited 06-22-2001).]

Hi Anthony. Haven't seen a post from you in a little while. This is good. I could see it working as a Gin Blossoms type song...or even a pop song sung by someone like Jewel. The chorus isn't much different form-wise from the verses...but it doesn't really bother me...just might be something to think about. The only real nitpick I have is that I just don't care for this line: "It’s down to dark clouds from a clear top"...I mean the rhyme is pretty cool, but it reads as forced. I can't think of a replacement...but anyway. It's a solid number, anyhow. Great writing.

Corey

Anthony it's good to see you posting again. I LOVE this title/hook! Quite catchy!
Going with Corey on that same line. The only one that didn't work for me. I hate to criticize a line when I don't have a replacement but at the moment I don't seem to come up with anything better.
Maybe:
"It's hellbent for the bottom nonstop". I will keep thinking on it. Good writing Anthony!



[This message has been edited by bama43 (edited 06-22-2001).]

Hi Anthony,
Good song! The chorus especially is really strong...I like that line "harder than a cheater's heart" very much. Have to say for me,the "It's down to dark clouds from a clear top" worked and was actually my 2nd favorite line in this piece on my first read through. Cool title too....caught my interest right away, enticed me in for a look.

Hi Anthony,
Good to see you posting again !
I'm gonna give my vote for having trouble with that line...clearer from the top...only place I had to stop and think...
I really love the bridge by the way.
Good stuff
Pam

Corey, Bama, Char and Hurley-- Thanks, thanks, thanks and thanks! I just *knew* people were seize upon the "clear top" line. I concede that it's forced, insofar as it took to me a helluva long time to think that line up, but the line *does* make sense at least, doesn't it? I thought of endless lines that ended in "stop" before I hit upon that line. I'm not sure I like it myself, but until I or someone else can think of something better, I'll keep it in.

I've gotta skedaddle, but I'll be back to critique some lyrics tonight or tomorrow. Thanks again!

Anthony

Mornin' Anthony,

A fine song you got here. The verses and rhyme scheme are great. Onliest stumblin' step is that troublesome line in the chorus.

I'd like to hear this one to music.

dawg

Hi Anthony,
I really love the hook. Great premise brewing - but I couldn't get past thinking that this would be stronger if Melissa weren't analyzing herself in front of us. "Falling" in love is often blind, IMO - and the character you've shared with us is falling hard and fast - so it just doesn't really gel well. While the thoughts in the first verse are hers - the concealing lies sets him up in an unsavory way and lessens the impact of her falling apart.
I dunno. Does any of this make sense? Perhaps it's a bit too early. I'll check back.
chad

Mornin Anthony,
Gotta go with most and touch on that chorus line. It appears to be about a swift moving (ie thunderstorm) storm descending quickly on the previously clear mountain top. The image works, but the words are fuzzy. I would try to work something in about the storm's swift arrival. (if I have your meaning correct)
Otherwise I'd go with another tack and use an imperfect rhyme. perhaps something like

Her landing's anything, but Soft

something that could lead towards the hard impact that will break her apart.
I like this premise. and contrary to Chad, it makes sense to me to have Melissa analyzing as she goes. Been there, done that. (at least part way there) And just because you know it shouldn't work and you're going down, doesn't always make it any easier to get out. To quote the "BORG" , "resistance is futile"

------------------
Harriet

Thanks dawg, Chad and Harriet! Looks like I'll hafta change that one line in the chorus. It's not really about dark clouds encroaching onto a mountaintop-- it's about a woman falling from a clear top of something-or-other into dark clouds. Not a great image, but one that I thought would be adequate. I'll change it to an imperfect rhyme.

Also, Chad and Harriet-- I don't see Melissa as analyzing herself in this lyric. If she was, it would be written in first-person. Instead, it's an omniscient third-person narrator. But yeah, that third-person narrator is analyzing her big-time.

Thanks for everyone's help so far. Now if I could just think of a new line for that chorus! (I've already thought of replacing "teardrop" before it with "tear", then coming up with a rhyme for "tear"-- would that work?)

Anthony

Not one of your better ones Anthony.
Got me beat if she is so desperate to fal i love why she would be resiting.
In the chorus. I know a teardrop falls at a ratebof 32 feet per second/persecond from science classes but how hard does a cheater's heart fal/land?
And do cheaters actually have a heart.
Can't figure the logic on that bit Anthony.
Other one in the bridge. Would she be believing it if the pain had already begun?


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http://artists2.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/

Not one of your better critiques, Graham. Melissa isn't desperate to fall in love. She's trying not to, but this same guy keep winning her over even through she knows he's bad news. You're taking the chorus *way* too literally in your following two points about falling teardrops and heart hardness. But you make a good point about the bridge. I should tweak that to make the pain come just afterward, not just before. Good catch on that one!

Anthony

Stacy,

Really liked the way this flowed... But must agree with many.. the line

"It’s down to dark clouds from a clear top"

Is a bit hard to swallow... might I suggest

"It's down to earth from the cloud she's on top"

Just a thought..

Oops.. Sorry to call you Stacy, Anthony..

That's okay, Tricia.

I really like that idea you have for that one line. It's one syllable too long, but music might be able to smooth that out. Thanks for the suggestion!

Anthony

Hi, Anthony. I have to say I really understand this lyric. There is no accounting for love. It has been a fact over and over year after year there's some woman somewhere that falls in love with a guy that makes her miserable, she thinks she's got him out of her system, but then he comes back with all his charm and empty promises. So here she goes again, she is almost helpless to his charms because she really loves the old coot. This is the backdrop love of many abusive marriages.
NOw as to Stacy's(Tricia's)idea for replaceing that one line that tripped everybody, it itself seems to be a bit of a forced rhyme because of the switching of the "cloud she's on top" that seems to be leaving one word off to make sense. But maybe something like "When Melissa falls
It's straight down to love's black pit nonstop"

That's about as best as I can describe the "emotional" pitfalls of this kind of love and how hard anyone hits this snare of life.
Keep or sweep, change to your liking. Best wishes.

Hi Anthony,
Came back for another look at this,mostly to see where you ended up on that one line. I really saw it as she's flying so high she's up there, that place above the clouds where it's always clear, and the dark clouds are naturally enough right below...but how and ever, if it doesn't hack it, I like Sharon's direction. I was kind of playing black and white off in my mind, something along the lines of "It's from white clouds to cold black-top". Or is that too heavy? Yeah, maybe, rather makes her sound a bit suicidal. Okay, well just thought I'd throw it out there for you.

If one of my suggestions helped you to improve a song Anthony, it is not one of my worse critiques either. Always aim to give the best i can and naturally some will fall into middle ground, depending on how the scores are kept.
Regards.
Graham

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http://artists2.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/

Hi Anthony....I really liked this one. I'm coming late to the party, here, but it seems to me anytime one writes a song that only needs one line tweaked, it's a darn good job! Fix the fall to the clouds, and it's ready for music---IMHO.

WOW Anthony,
I think this is one of my favorites from you. I liked every line to it! It was beautiful. I understood the cloud line.
Ria


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http://angelfire.lycos.com/amiga/riassonglyrics

GREAT title Anthony and it's well positioned in the chorus. To Corey's point, I believe the form in the chorus is sufficiently different that musical treatment will draw a clear distinction. The rhyme scheme you used in the verses works quite well, such that it has a 'musical' quality ('tho just words on a page (screen ).

If there's a problem IMO, it's in the chorus (apart from the title use). The metaphors just aren't working very well to me. Others have pointed out the problem with the "It’s down to dark clouds from a clear top" line. Although it's worse than the other two, I think the problem extends to the other two non-title lines as well. I think this is what Graham was driving at. Some comments within the chorus:

When Melissa falls
It’s even faster than a teardrop
[On the one hand, I like the use of "teardrop" because it's symbolic of the mood. On the other hand, the metaphor you've created "'faster' than a teardrop" just doesn't work for me. JMO though and perhaps you don't see it as I do (or Graham).]
And harder than a cheater’s heart
[Same with this line]
When Melissa falls
It’s down to dark clouds from a clear top
[Even moreso here (like most others said)]
‘Cause when Melissa falls, she falls apart

As a result, the great title is undermined by weak metaphor IMO, such that a potentially great chorus ends up mediocre. If this were my song I'd dig deeper. I've read your past lyrics Anthony and I know you have better in you. I suggest you really re-think those three lines.

JMO and only trying to help.

Tom

Sharon, Char, Graham, Sunny, Elizabeth and Tom-- thank you all very much!

Sharon-- You're rght about that suggested line. I wasn't reading it carefully enough.

Char-- Another vote for the "clear top" line! Thanks!

Graham-- I was just mocking your opening line in a friendly way, that's all. You never pussyfoot around in your critiques, and I appreciate that.

And Tom-- IMO, a metaphor is weak when it doesn't evoke the proper mood, not necessarily when it doesn't work in a literal sense. Nothing on Earth falls faster than a teardrop, true, but all that line is supposed to do is hint that she cries. Likewise, "harder than a cheater's heart" hints that there's a cheater in the picture-- a person whom the verses say is her once and future lover. So I've gotta respectfully disagree with you on this. But then again, you're a damn good songwriter yourself, so I know any such disagreement is at my own risk. I always value your visits to my posts.

Anthony

Hi Anthony

Finally got around to looking at stuff on the board.

First off, love the title. Great hook.

I understood the contriversial line as Char did. The skies are clear and bright and blue above the clouds, and seen from above, the clouds can be fluffy and soft or dark and grey and ominous. So it worked, though I agree its a bit stumbly.

But the lines are good so you try a bit of re arranging and rewording, kind like this maybe??


When Melissa falls
She's far ahead of her teardrops
And shatters on dark clouds where she stops
When Melissa falls
It is harder than a cheater’s heart
‘Cause when Melissa falls, she falls apart

John

Okay, Stacy and Tricia, that's enough... Laughed my head off when I read that exchange, but I get off on stupid stuff...

I really really like this, it has a really melancholy, lovely feel to it and just kinda floats along seamlessly.... except... for that one darn line that just kinda clunks a bit. I think you can come up with a great replacement for it though. This is a sad sighmaker and I really enjoyed it!

Nice stuff and a special thanks to you and especially Anya for her hospitality at Big Fish! The smoked salmon pate' was to die for and she makes one helluva Margarita!! One of the best I've ever had, and I've had a lot! Be sure and pass that along.

Good one!

Tink

John-- Thanks for your comments and your suggestion. I hope you liked the lyric overall. You never did say!

And Tink-- Thanks to you as well. Yeah, I'll hafta change that line. I'll never be satisfied with it, though, cuz any substitute I think up won't rhyme like "teardrop/clear top". And yes, that pate' is awesome. Can't vouch for the margaritas, though.

Anthony

Hi Anth'!

I'm with Ria...Loved Every Line, no Nits to Pick witcha! (Well, except the "Melissa" in MY Life gave me a Dear John just before I left for 'Nam...talk about Clouds, willya?)

But Your Mellissa IS certainly a Valid Character. (Sorry Big G!) The Planet's Full of them, Potential Male-Bashers, ALL! GLAD she still has a SOFT Heart, As-Portrayed...SORRY there seems "No End in SIGHT" for Her Suffering.

"KUDOS" for a Good, Sweet-Sad One.

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hi, Stan. Thanks for stopping in at this one. Sweet-sad is the mood I was aiming for, so I'm glad this worked for you.

Anthony

Hi Anthony,

I liked the hook alot. I liked the whole song as a matter of fact. I noticed the same thing Corey did with the specific line he mentioned just didn't seem to fit for me.

Also the line:

He’s too good to be true to you (i'd drop the to you)

And "it's even faster than a teardrop" (I'd drop even)

Other than that it flows well and tells a good story!

I can't believe my latest lyric, "Love's Like That Sometimes", came and went off page 1, but this one's still hangin' around! This one is better, IMO, though, so maybe that's why.

Blake-- I like the double meaning of "He's too good to be true to you." He's too good to be true, and it's hard to believe that he'd stay faithful.

And I'd easily change "even faster" to just "faster" if it didn't ruin the meter. I need two extra syllables in that line-- at least it seems that way, anyway.

Thanks for looking at this one!

Anthony

Anthony,
I actually liked the clear top line, course some say I`m deranged! Your lyric, your call-ultimately. No nits here. Dan

Dan the windowman! I've seen you at TWS, where I only lurk occasionally now. Glad to see ya here. I owe you a critique, since you've been here a while.

I'm still split over the "clear top" line. I think I'll just write an alternate line to use whenever I want to plug something else in. Thanks for dropping in on this one! (I think the curiosity factor weighs heavily at this late date-- people start to think, "Why DOES that post have 28 replies, anyway?!")

Anthony