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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,117
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Maria © annie tennisco 2006
1.) Maria is here and then she’s not Don’t know if she’s mine-- or what I want her to be my girl But she lives in her own world When she’s on the road, I think I’m forgot.
Ch Maria wants to be a singer Wants someone to help her succeed Maria wants fame and fortune But when I’m with her, it’s for only her need
2.) I can almost hear Maria intending To tell me that she’s been just pretending I’ve been in her life And making it mine. I’m without her so much, I can feel us ending
Ch Maria wants to be a singer Wants someone to help her succeed Maria wants fame and fortune But when I’m with her, it’s for only her need
BR) Is Maria just using me? She’s gotta Stop! So she’s losing me! Am I a Flop! She’ll find another Someone to smother With false love to help her climb right to the top!
Ch Maria wants to be a singer Wants someone to help her succeed Maria wants fame and fortune But when you’re with her, it’s for only her need
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 308
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Joined: Aug 2006
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Hi Anne I think you should develope their relationship a little. I can't tell if Maria's lover is writer, producer, etc. I thought a climb before your bridge could tell a little about him?
am I her lover or just a songwriter she's looking for a hit that can take her to the top
Good Luck, Dennis
[This message has been edited by Dennis H. Harbour (edited 11-25-2006).]
[This message has been edited by Dennis H. Harbour (edited 12-02-2006).]
dennis h
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hi Dennis
Maroa is a singer
The singer is just someone to use--a no talent-- a place to flop, hang out before she moves on again, the comes back again, then moves on again
Not one of my better efforts.
Thanks annie
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Joined: Oct 2006
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Annie,
Since it seems you feel the title "Maria" is just not going to work..for whatever reason, be it too used already, too generic or just not something that may grab the attention...maybe you could change the subjects name to something that hasn't been used too much but still may grab the attention of the listener. Maybe Lolita or something...lol. Sorry...had the same # of syllables. Anyway...just a sug.
Good luck with it.
Bree
The ideal poet has a genius for making the things we see every day seem new. ~ Samuel Johnson I write because I breathe, I breathe because I write. ~ Me www.soundclick.com/breeg
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Joined: Mar 2006
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Hi Annie,
I can hear this being sung in a cantina, somewhere south of the border.
In the last line of the chorus I might change it’s for only her need to it's ONLY FOR her need.
I like the Idea of developing the relationship, maybe adding a verse between the first and second, describing some of the things Maria does to make the singer feel so insecure.
The bridge could be made stronger with intention. Something like
And so Maria's using me, and nows she’s gotta stop! I not the one who's losing see, it's her that is the Flop! She’ll find another Someone to smother With false love to help her climb right to the top!
Just some ideas,
Michael
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix
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Joined: Dec 2003
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Thank you Bree and Michael
First off, Bree, you saw my problem, as Maria has been used before.(I cannot remember where, but I can hear that name sung, just twice and my memory stops.)
It must be a new name, but Lolita is not for a gal wanting to be a famous singer. 3 syllables will work. Shan-i a, ann-i-a
--0h!Anya is nice. wonder of I can do this with 2 syllables. ANYA
Thanks Michael, I really like your sugg, for a Bridge--it's better than mine.
Yes! This is not a slow one so there is room for another 4-liner before or after verse 2.)
Thank you both for your input!
Now I have a re-write to do! annie
[This message has been edited by annie (edited 11-27-2006).]
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