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Joined: Jul 2017
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Goodbye Mr. Sun Verse I knew the ending of this story Long before it came. There were dark clouds on the horizon. Knew that it would rain. Pre chorus I could sense the tension. I felt her discontent. Life became a series Of endless arguments. Chorus Heard the thunder saw the lighting Knew the rain would come. Stormy weather, stormy weather Goodbye Mr. Sun. Verse I sensed the changes in our marriage But ignored the signs. I should have seen she was unhappy Thought she just needs time. Pre chorus I could sense the tension. I felt her discontent. Life became a series Of endless arguments. Chorus Heard the thunder saw the lighting Knew the rain would come. Stormy weather, stormy weather Goodbye Mr. Sun. Bridge Could hear the rumble of discontent Thought the storm would pass me by. When the rain came I was unprepared How I longed for sunny skies. Pre chorus I could sense the tension. I felt her discontent. Life became a series Of endless arguments. Chorus Heard the thunder saw the lighting Knew the rain would come. Stormy weather, stormy weather Goodbye Mr. Sun. Tag Goodbye Mr. Sun.
Last edited by ckiphen; 03/09/19 03:11 PM. Reason: changed word
Ckiphen
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Joined: Dec 2016
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ckiphen,
I think the first half of this tune is very strong--good idea executed well. I always like when the lyric has its own rhythm, such that I can almost hear the song as I read the lyrics. And that's how the first half struck me.
The second half isn't quite as tight, particularly starting with the first line of the second verse, "I sensed the changes in our marriage"--it's a subjective thing, but it struck me as an awkward line, or at least not an interesting one, and not much different in theme from the first verse. And maybe tweak the last two lines to say the singer knew she was unhappy BUT thought she just needed some time? And perhaps drop "discontent" from the bridge as it's a bit repetitive with the chorus. All just suggestions to use or lose.
This has a lot of potential--so keep working it. Great start!
All the best,
Deej
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Ckiphen
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Joined: Dec 2005
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Like Deej56, I also like the way the lyrics have a pace to them that makes it easy to imagine a tune sung to it. I like the title "Goodbye Mr Sun". and I think it is well placed by being in the chorus and the ending.
I did also notice the use of discontent in both places is a bit awkward. I do like the word discontent, it sort of implies that without some change the relationship will have a 2 to 8 month shelf life.
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