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hi folks...here's a new one, pure country. I hope you like it.

https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/?bandID=431939


I Used to Push Him Around ©2010 Mike Morgan/Robert George

Phillip lived just down the street
His front yard was full of weeds
And his father’s empty beer cans were like garden gnomes
I was high school quarterback
And when Phil tried out for track
We’d all see him run those rolling hills and roads alone

He seemed weird and wore those ragged shorts
Didn’t fit in with my football friends
And we’d pull up in our hot rod Fords
And I’m still ashamed that way back when

I used to push him around
Here and there all over town
Life was tough for him because
He had troubles as it was
He deserved much better than that
O but life is crazy and sad
And I used to push him around

Soon as Phillip turned eighteen
He became a mean Marine
He was gone for years fightin’ for our liberties
Then I saw him at the store
Fumblin’ for a can of corn
In a wheelchair cos he’d lost his freedom at the knees

I came up and lent a helping hand
Went outside and jawed awhile with him
Grabbed some tacos at a nearby stand
And till he got used to those metal limbs

I used to push him around
Here and there all over town
Life was tough for him because
He had troubles as it was
He deserved much better than that
O but life is crazy and sad
And I used to push him around

First he fought to walk and then to run
Free and strong out in the morning sun
He’d been pushing himself to succeed
Ever since we were kids on the street

I used to push him around
Here and there all over town
Life was tough for him because
He had troubles as it was
He deserved much better than that
O but life is crazy and sad
And I used to push him around

Now I treat my neighbors like my brothers
And I push myself instead of others…

I listened to this last night. I thought the lyric was fantastic as was the vocal. Is that you? In any event, I can really hear this with a full on country production. I have to say The melody got somewhat lost for me in the chorus. I found the verse melody more engaging, but still, on whole, thought this was a tremendous write. You should be proud of that lyric.

Dave

The Emotion Needed for the chorus , dosent work for me

the melody works against what should have been a Memorable

Chorus --- it sounds to me like the words were written before the melody

and without a melody in mind , No amount of preaching from me will

change anything I know that

Most of the successful writers work backwards making sure that a Memorable

Chorus Melody is in the can so to speak , Then well written verses that support whats going on

in the Chorus --- will then light up the most crucial part of the song



I Rest My Case

I didn't compose the melody but I will concede it could use a bigger chorus.

I'll also offer the benefit of my experience to anyone thinking about getting a guitar/vocal demo...I've never successfully pitched a single one and have actually had pubs turn down a guitar/vocal demo only to love the same song with a $1000 demo.

With a detailed story song such as this with two character arcs in under 3:30, it's unlikely the chorus melody would be written first. I'd like to see an example.

It's okay.

The music doesn't light me up personally, but, some producer could conform it to their particular liking easily enough.
It's a noble and sympathetic theme and story. But for someone (Robert) who vehemently professes to dislike contrived smaltz, it's seems written for transparently evocative reasons.

Martin

I don't like contrived shmaltz. I don't think this is contrived or shmaltzy. I wrote the lyric eight years ago and had forgotten about it until Mike sent me the demo out of the blue yesterday. I don't remember what was on my mind when I wrote it but I suspect my goal was to involve and move the audience, the same as it always is. If anyone has inside info closer to the source as to my real motive, I'd love to hear it. The pro songwriting world is full of contrived mush. If anyone is aware of contrived mush with two character arcs and a hook with two separate meanings in a short song, let me know.

If the song doesn't grab people, it doesn't. ( elsewhere, people love it). But to bring my reasons for writing it into the critique seems a bit much, esp. when the song has such a strong moral and goes against the commercial grain. The singer is portrayed as a bully for half the song. That is generally verbotten in pro writing. The writer's job is to make the singer look awesome and above all...young.

I don't know Robert. Looks to me like you did the old "ripped from the headlines" thing and then drowned it in a bucket of Smaltz liquor. Whatever makes you happy is fine with me.

If what I did was that easy, there'd be a hundred songs like this one.

I like the lyric. It tells a real story that folks can relate to - and feels like the kind of theme that country music fans are drawn to. The chorus worked best for me, particularly the sync between the words and the melody notes.

Interesting story, Rob, and not one commonly told, about a bully that sees the error of his ways and is transformed so, good for you there.

A nice, clean, well sung demo is always a plus. Not knowing your intentions for this song, it certainly gets the message across as it is, so that's cool.

And I always thought the point of writing songs was to get the listener to feel something, so you succeeded there as well, whether intended or not, at least I did.

What doesn't work for me is the bridge. There's no new information, it's stuff we know or is already inferred, but that outro...now that would make a good bridge.

Ricki

Well, here's an opportunity to separate personal taste from criticism. I don't think you should deny that it's contrived schmaltz. It seems to me that that's what you were going for. The corny story and exploitative sentimentality that make me roll my eyes, together with the customary dose of patriotism might be just the ticket for the right audience. On the page, it looked pretty much irredeemable, but when I listened to it, I could see it working. It's a fairly generic melody but seems to suit the story line and I like the vibe of the guitar between verses. I have to agree that the chorus could do with a bit more of a lift.

"...he’d lost his freedom at the knees" is a great phrase.

I like the story a good wholesome wrong made right tale.
The music is good but I feel the singer has adopted the style of the
numerous popular country /pop performers currently doing the rounds. So in this respect it somehow devalued the excellent lyric.
Cheers
Travis

Thanks Ricki...there is new information in the bridge. The injured vet in the wheelchair learned to walk and then to run.


Gavin, I think we define the word "contrived" differently. I wrote the lyric on a plane to Nashville back in 2010. It contains two character arcs and a title with two meanings. Were I to think of those ideas today and wind up with the same result, I would call it "inspired", not "contrived". That's just my feeling, how you would feel if you wrote it might be different.

Whether something is sentimental or shmaltzy is opinion, too. What would have been considered straight emotion in 1942 is now often considered shmaltz, esp regarding the military.

I showed the lyric to a songplugger at our first meeting in Nashville in 2010. He was impressed.

I think about how kids got picked on in school, and back then, there were no repercussions. Most kids turned out ok, but if you stoped to think about what it must be like to go home, and explain to your folks, or have the school explain that your kid is getting picked on, it has to wear on your psyche, and it's embarrasing and not something you wanna admit to your kingdom at home.

Sad, kids will never understand. When I got on Facebook, I see a lot of those very seem people bully and bullied now friends on Facebook. It just doesn't sit right, as if nothing ever happened.

We've all been laughed at, made Of, thankfully it wasn't excessive like it was for some kids.

I wrote a song with a theme like this, so it hits home.

Far as crits , I think some of you are just trying to return the favor for couchs crit in floyds thread. And that's not the spirit of crits.

My own take? The double hook is clever...somebody mentioned contrived, well I'd have to agree with that, you can't write a double hook without being contrived, because it's obvious it was put through the thought grinder, when some of the best writers say, writing intellectually is not how you write.

The melody is a bit sing songy for the subject, which may affect the emotion of the song.

One problem for me is that, with the double hook is clever and you made it work, it's not a great title, great hook but generic title.

You do have a tendency to overwrite, just as some musicians have a tendency to over play or over sing.

Meter and line flow are always perfect, which shows your skill but can you name many songs that lay out like yours do on paper?

Sometimes varying the line length, and making it more natural for conversation, helps make it more real.

No denying your ability to write, and I'm sure you don't need that assurance after hundreds of lyrics posted.

But possibly something to think about is letting songs breath and not so uniform on every stanza.

Great writing as usual

There is that motivator, but...I don't make stuff up that I don't believe. Robert denigrated "Don't Blink" for being a contrived and sappy descendent of Live Like You Were Dying. This song strikes me as a contrived descendent of a hot topic on the evening news. Robert doesn't mince words so I'm assuming he's fine that I don't.

Martin, I was specific about Don't Blink which came out right after Live Like You Were Dying. I wasn't the only one on that thread to make that connection. I visited Nashville a few times in 04 and 05. Every publisher wanted a Live Like You Were Dying. My BMI rep wanted one. It's obvious that's where Don't Blink came from, among other possible sources. If you can find the specific news report this was based on, I'd love to see it. I suspect that news report is in the same dead letter office as Cheyenne's example of a modern lyric this complex that began with a chorus melody.

FD, I thought of the hook and wrote the lyric on a plane. That's not a thought grinder or writing intellectually( those are meaningless critic's terms), it's how I write. One of the best songs I've ever been involved with, Heavy Cross to Bear, has three uses of the hook and was written in under an hour.
That demo is on Soundclick and has been recorded twice.

You have to have tight meter as a lyricist. That's why I have so many published songs, co-writers and indie cuts in spite of rarely networking. My lyrics are generally easy to compose for. The lyrics I wrote in 99-06...very few co-writes. I tightened my meter...way more co-writes and cuts.

Forget critiquing...if I could give one piece of advice to writers on these sites...tighten your meter.

There aren't any other lyrics that look like this. That's my goal. You can like it or not like it same as every other song. But it's a complex, relatable tale in a fairly singable 3 1/2 minute song.

JPF: The Next Generation is kind of the same as JPF: The Original Series.

Robert, for clarifaction

Your assessment of Don't Blink's precedent song is not at issue. I agree with it. Nashville writers blatantly re-write each other's ideas.
What is at issue is that...although the song, imo, is contrived "sappy," it's well done. It was executed by a talented set of craftsmen.

The second issue is that your condemnation of it's contrivance seemed hypocritical when you immediately put up a song that was based on a news headline drumbeat and then juxtaposed it with the emotions evoked by putting it in the context of a military veteran....rather than a ninth grader at some high school somewhere. Hence "contrived" smaltz.

Still waiting on the headline...

C'mon Robert...? You are playing hide and seek with the obvious.

#Columbine #Facebook #social media #bullied #suicide... and on and on.

Do I truly need to spell that out for you?

Suicide? Facebook? Columbine? There's no suicide in my song. Or social media. Bullying has always been around. Your claim is so vague it could be made about any story song since humanity
has always dealt with the same issues.

There's a Brady Bunch episode about a bully. I think there's a Little Rascals ep, too. Spanky and Alfalfa impress Darla by teaching 'im a lesson. Remember the Happy Days ep where two bullies make Richie imitate a pinball machine? Richie tries to learn karate from Arnold. Hai Ya Sho Fong!!! A classic.

I don't think you know what the word "contrived" means. This song exists because of a bolt out of the blue. Try to write one like it. You'll see what I mean. If you're basing your critique of this on what I said about Don't Blink, I don't think you know what the word "critique" means, either.

I'm going to give you a piece of advice I often had to give the first wave of JPFers(who I miss)...forget about my opinion of
Don't Blink. Forget about what you think my motives are for writing this. Forget about me entirely...write something of your own and see how it turns out.

con·trived (Per Google)

adjective
deliberately created rather than arising naturally or spontaneously.
created or arranged in a way that seems artificial and unrealistic. (In this case, that one)

Robert, when I read your post, I felt like I was in Egypt looking out at Da' Nile. (of the obvious) Can't fix that.

Btw...I write. And...If you don't want my opinion on your songs...no cause for alarm. Won't give it.

Couch, herein lies the disconnect with you. It's only true if you say it is, nobody else matters. I'm trying to be fair with you here.

Just because the hook came to you fast, on a plane, does not mean it's not contrived, or as i put it, through the thought grinder....

You still went on to write the lyric with this clever double hook, which to anyone reading, the reader/listener knows you were trying for something. You are trying to be clever, and really, it's not needed In a serious song, if anythjng, it doesn't honor the character in the song.

It's like, somebody who can do 100 push-ups says that was nothing, I can do that in my sleep, yeah cause of all the work u put in before that

It's like trying to write a double hook for somebodys funeral,, yeah u can do it, but why?

I can't tell you what contrived is, but I can tell you what non contrived is.

It's not critics talking, but great songs seem like they were never written, some songwriter said that...I have to check it, but they said great songs seem like they were never written, they always existed.

You can't say that with this.

I realize as a lyricists you need tight meter, and it makes it easy for people to write melodies, but is that great songwriting or great product making?

There is more to it than even meter, the meter has emotion of its own, short phrases, long phrases words, ups and downs, happiness sadness, In a same song, you express that with different metered lines.

Rhymes, just for the sake of rhyming is wrong too, lines that don't rhyme can have a purpose for not using a rhyme.

There's more to the picture, but I do realize you are working as a lyricist

all I'm saying is, not all of us are morons who don't know a thing about songwriting.

I like most of it.

The part before the chorus, especially the last line, to me doesn't set the chorus up well.
I kept thinking that losing the last line would be an idea to play with. To start with anyway.

Vic