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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 11:04 AM
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by Rob B. - 04/21/24 08:40 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 03:22 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 12:36 PM
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Joined: Jan 2009
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https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v3/player.cfm?type=single&songid=13622759&q=hi&newref=1Thorns & Petals [08/29/2017] Wherever she walked, wild flowers grew within each and every step, each step he kept in view. He followed close behind her, picking everyone he met. By the end, he had a bouquet for a love he'd not forget. Thorns from wild roses bit deep into his skin. Every petal of the daisy ended with his sin. He remained, never stopping or leaving one behind. Kate would be his special flower, a once and only find. As she kept on walking, he collected, never missed not one. But city after city block still didn't have enough. For miles she drifted before him, his arms heavy with her gift. But all the fragrant blossoms could not fill the rift. Thorns from wild roses bit deep into his skin. Every petal of the daisy ended with his sin. He remained, never stopping or leaving one behind. Kate would be his special flower, a once and only find. He could walk, would walk forever. never gather or satisfy. The proof that showed he loved her. That he let wilt and he let die. Words by: Andrew & Douglas Murphy Music by: B.I.A.Box Copyright © 2017 by Douglas Murphy
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A good old-fashioned folk song. I like it. Nice gentle feeling to it. I must admit I don't entirely get the meaning, but I'm enjoying trying to figure it out.
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Thanks for stopping by Gavin.
Douglas
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Hi Doug!
I really like the rhythm and the chording with this song! I do think your chorus makes a better bridge.....and might consider using that melody just "once" and where that 2nd area chorus is now. You could add a new 2nd verse and probably use the same lyrics, but may need a tweak there for prosody, not sure. I think you also could experiment with tempo and prosody in general with this song, just to smooth out the lyric flow, a lot of short pauses. I like your lyrical concept--very tender and sweet. Nice job with your vocals too Doug -- tone-wise. A little tweak here and there with what I mentioned above, and I think you'll have a cool song. There are songs without choruses mind you, but if you really want a chorus, then experiment with having that chorus melody "lift" a bit more even if the message is sad or nostalgic--as is, it is more "digressing" in melody like a bridge, which I think is good however--for a bridge that is.
Nice start here--pretty song with definitely more potential IMO!
steady-eddie
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Hello Doug, Hope you're feeling better. Good job. I think Eddie has given you a lot of good thoughts. Have a good weekend. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/xcalvinstewart
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thank you steady eddie. Food for thought.
Douglas
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Hello, Calvin. Yes, you are right some great advice. Thanks for stopping by and yes I am on the road again as it were to recovery. 2nd Heart Attack Down and two more arteries that with the right meds should behave or I will be having number 3 in the future. Off for two weeks so I am getting some demos completed, posting here [have not for quite a while] and writing. Cannot wait for the five more years to pass so I can 1. retire and 2. do those things I need time to do like writing, recording, posting commenting etc..,
Douglas
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As Eddie says, Douglas. It's a good start. And as Gavin said, I don't entirely get the meaning either.
It seems to me that you are saying that by following her it's a bitter sweet experience. Some of the metaphors, though are a little harder to get i.e. "Every petal of the daisy ended with his sin". I know that some daisies are tipped red but none of the other lines mention any sin that he's committed. What was "the rift"? Maybe one of the lines earlier on should hint at it.
The basic idea that her path is filled with wildflowers is a nice one. Just needs to flow. Stick to it.
Vic
Last edited by Vicarn; 09/01/17 04:18 PM.
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"As Eddie says, Douglas. It's a good start. And as Gavin said, I don't entirely get the meaning either. It seems to me that you are saying that by following her it's a bitter sweet experience. Some of the metaphors, though are a little harder to get i.e. "Every petal of the daisy ended with his sin". I know that some daisies are tipped red but none of the other lines mention any sin that he's committed. What was "the rift"?" Maybe one of the lines earlier on should hint at it. The basic idea that her path is filled with wildflowers is a nice one. Just needs to flow. Stick to it. Thanks, Vic. Like a joke, one shouldn't have to explain why it is funny. I see now that what I thought was some clever writing is vague and I will address that. The only line I will explain, and I had to explain it to my wife and daughter too is, "Every petal of the daisy ended with his sin." There is this poem we do here with daisies that goes, "She loves me she loves me not." and you continue plucking the petals off until you get your answer. [I would cheat to make sure that she loved me . ] I thought it was very clever but see that the poem has either died away or not as many people know of it. Anywho will look the entire lyric over from the points made. Douglas
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Hi again Doug. I know the old rhyme but just didn't connect it to the write. Just needs a blob of glue. Vic
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Hi Doug:
Great to see you posting again. I've been meaning to give this one a spin for several days but little things keep getting in the way. Loved the melody and now that you've explained the plucking of the petals... it explains the "sin" part. Like Eddie, I suspect you will continue to whittle, shave, cut, paste and do what you feel is needed to make it even more special. Enjoyed it and the challenge of trying to figure out the meanings here and there.
Looking forward to the next "take" when you get around to it. Thanks for sharing. ----Dave
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Hello, Dave.
Yes, I am whittling away and the rewrite/recording will be posted tomorrow.
Thanks for stopping by.
Douglas
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