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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 05/01/24 01:05 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 10:08 AM
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Okay, I've done a second rewrite of this...I'm hoping it's better? The newest changes are now in ALL CAPS. Travis had originally suggested the Kissin' Cousin thing, and when I originally wrote it, I had contemplated that. But, I was too focused on the truth. However, I do think that it's better for the song. Thanks for steering me away from truth, Travis! When Michael said that no one likes a rat, I knew I had to include a rat! Thanks, Michael! Theyve Got Me On the Run (2nd rewrite) I caught THOSE COUSINS doing wrong and told THEIR MAMAS (MY SISTERS BY LAW) THIER first response was silky smooth then I swear THEIR fingers turned into claws I dodged THEIR blows and might have won til THEY recruited backup from THEIR clan Turns out theyre rabid like THE REST Gonna chase my hide in their beat-up van CHORUS Theyre teaching me a lesson Theyve got me on the run Each one gave their blessing Theyre loading all theIR guns The knives are being sharpened A noose is being hung The room is being darkened Last rites are being sung Im a hillbilly by marriage Trying to hold on to some of my roots Where I come from COUSINS dont kiss And telling the truth dont get you the boot Look at em there licking their chops Hoping Im roadkill by later tonight A dead man might not tell no tales (but) While Im alive Ill continue to write BRIDGE HEAR EM CALLIN ME A NO-GOOD SNITCHIN RAT BEARIN DOWN ON ME LIKE A HERD OF CATS REPEAT CHORUS (c) 2014, Lisa Gundling Theyve Got Me On the Run (1st rewrite)
Thanks so much to Travis and Ricky! Based upon their feedback and great help, Ive made some changes in ALL CAPS! Update: Thanks, Gus! I made that perceptive change of yours!
I caught my nieces doing wrong and told their mama instead of the law Her first response was silky smooth then I swear her fingers turned into claws I dodged her blows and might have won til she RECRUITED BACKUP from HER clan Turns out theyre rabid just like her GONNA CHASE MY HIDE in THEIR BEAT UP van
CHORUS Theyre teaching me a lesson Theyve got me on the run Each one gave their blessing Theyre loading all theIR guns The knives are being sharpened A noose is being hung The room is being darkened Last rites are being sung
Im a hillbilly by marriage TRYING TO HOLD ON TO SOME OF MY ROOTS Where I come from sisters dont kiss AND TELLING THE TRUTH DONT GET YOU THE BOOT LOOK AT 'EM THERE licking their chops Hoping Im roadkill by later tonight A dead man MIGHT NOT tell no tales (but) While Im alive Ill continue to write
REPEAT CHORUS
(c) 2014, Lisa Gundling
Last edited by Lisa Gundling; 11/14/14 06:09 PM.
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Good story Lisa a couple of quick ideas; Theyve Got Me On the Run
I caught my nieces doing wrong told their mama instead of the law Her first response was silky smooth then I swear her fingers turned into claws I dodged her blows and might have won til she got reinforcements from the clan Turns out theyre rabid just like her CHASED MY HIDE IN THEIR BATTERED OLD VAN
CHORUS Theyre teaching me a lesson CACKLED AS THE GUN LOADS Each one gave their blessing COS I BROKE THE HILLBILLY CODE The knives are being sharpened A noose is being hung The room is being darkened Last rites are being sung
Im a hillbilly by marriage around them so long hope I dont smell NEVER BEEN THEIR KISSIN' COUSIN' and the one who tells isnt sent to hell Theyre standing round licking their chops hoping Im roadkill by later tonight They say a dead man tells no tales while Im alive Ill continue to write
Last edited by Travis david; 10/30/14 04:52 PM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Cute song. Made me smile. Couple thoughts, mostly for meter and singing purposes. You are a very good writer. The smell/kiss/hell lines don't have much to do with each other which hurts the flow of the story. Also, in the second verse, you say they are standing around, which I think could be more descriptive, but also, in the first verse you say they chased you down...so to now have them standing around doesn't make sense. If you changed the first verse to "gonna chase me down...", that would make sense and add some suspense. As for descriptive, you might consider changing it to something like "They're dragging their knuckles, licking their chops" to make them seem Neanderthal and backwoods. Overall I love your song. Keep working on it. It's a good one, even though I'm backwoods and offended. ;-)
I caught my nieces doing wrong and told their mama, instead of the law Her first response was silky smooth THEN HER FINGERS TURNED TO CLAWS I dodged her blows and might have won til she got BACKUP from the clan Turns out theyre rabid just like her chased me down in a minivan
CHORUS Theyre teaching me a lesson Theyve got me on the run Each one gave their blessing Theyre loading all THEIR guns The knives are being sharpened A noose is being hung The room is being darkened Last rites are being sung
Im a hillbilly by marriage around them so long hope I dont smell Where I come from sisters dont kiss and the one who tells isnt sent to hell Theyre standing round LICKIN' their chops hoping Im roadkill by later tonight A DEAD WOMAN MIGHT NOT TELL NO TALES BUT while Im alive Ill continue to write
CHORUS Theyre teaching me a lesson Theyve got me on the run Each one gave their blessing Theyre loading all the guns The knives are being sharpened A noose is being hung The room is being darkened Last rites are being sung
"Victory is what happens when ten thousand hours of practice meet up with one moment of opportunity"
RickyHarris.com
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Lisa, Good one. It made me smile. It has a deep-fried feel. Dave
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Sounds like the person in this song has some weird relatives. Be careful!
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Hey Travis,
You've got some great ideas! I'm going to be reviewing this later and will return to respond properly.
I realized that the minivan line was short anyway so your replacement would work perfectly there.
Cackling made me cackle, as did "hillbilly code!"
That kissin' cousin line -- you've really got me thinking there! I tried using the term "kissin' cousins" several times while I was writing this, but nothing came out as good as what you have. That being said, I want to somehow keep the kissing sisters in too. Oh, I don't know!
I think that I might also have made those lines confusing because I think I made it sound like the singer is one of the sisters. I should have said something like "and the person" instead of "and the one."
Anyway...I'll be back! THANKS for your help! Lisa
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Hi Lisa,
another cool down home write. I love these and this is no different. As I made the initial read I could see this story unfolding. I had a lot of fun with this one. Very enjoyable and delightfully detailed!
My only true suggestions involved meter problems, though I see some have been mentioned already. I also like some of Travis' suggestion, as I see you do. After this progresses more I'll try to remember to get back by for another check. Keep up the great work!
David
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Lisa, After the first few lines I was shaking my head and thinking "She shouldn't have married a Redneck." So I nodded knowingly when your confession came in verse two. I pray this isn't based on any real life situation and will say a prayer for you on Sunday if it is. And hope it isn't too late. You've done good and provided some comic relief with "On the Run."
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Hi Lisa, Good story telling ! I REALLY like the chorus. I think the verses need a little trimming here and there but overall VERY ENTERTAINING Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Hi Again, Travis,
Okay, Ive done a rewrite based upon some of your suggestions, and Rickys. I liked your battered minivan line as it was, but then Ricky suggested that I add gonna to that line, to add suspense, and I liked that, so I rearranged some things. I love the hide you came up with lol!
Your chorus ideas were really cool, but I really do like theyve got me on the run. Also, I think that hillbilly code is such a cute hook in and of itself you should keep it and use it in a song!
Thanks so much for your help! Lisa
Last edited by Lisa Gundling; 10/31/14 02:45 PM.
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Hi Ricky,
Im delighted that you liked this so much! Thanks for your nice comments and your in-depth help! As Ive just said to Travis, Ive made some changes, based upon your suggestions.
You were right about verse 2 not being connected with the smell/hell lines. Ive rewritten that so I hope it connects better?!
Knuckle dragging cracked me up, so thats in, along with the suspense in verse one, and the back up from the clan (I kept going back and forth with back up when I first wrote this I do think thats much better).
Im still looking at that claw line. I was trying to make it look like, in my imagination, they turned to claws not that they actually had. I was worried that if I just said they had, it might not work as well. Im still debating about that.
Also, I had originally debated about the dead woman telling no tales, but I like the original dead man tells no tales line. However, I did reword it, because I liked the way you had phrased that. I hope it works!
Thanks again for your assistance and encouragement with this! Lisa P.S. I realized that I messed with the meter when I used the knuckle line. I have a temporary replacement while I think about how to add it!
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Hi Dave,
"Deep-fried" -- I like that! Thanks for your nice visit!
Lisa
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Hi Jim,
You're the MASTER of understatement! Laughing!
Lisa
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Lisa, I love these everyday type of stories. The chorus looks neat.
Vic
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Howdy Lisa........At first look this stood out to me.............. .........til she RECRUITED BACKUP from the clan.....which even though you didn't spell it klan, that was where my mind went first. I think a simple change to "her clan" makes it crystal...Gus
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Hope it gets the music Lisa it's looking good Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi David,
Thanks for your fun and encouraging visit! Yes, Travis and Ricky had some great suggestions and I've taken them to heart in a rewrite. I'm also tinkering with some of their other ideas and others that are running through my mind.
Thanks! Lisa
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Hi Dan,
Yes, go ahead and add me to your prayer list! This is a real issue, but not on the physical danger level described here. In what I'd hoped was a humorous way, I was trying to manifest a physical situation that represents what is being done on a psychological level. Sort of a literal interpretation of "killing the messenger!"
This took a long time to write, because it started out as an angry piece. Little by little, I whittled away at it, trying to stomp out the angry parts and replace them with humor!
Thanks for your very nice visit -- and prayers! Lisa
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Hi Calvin, THANKS for the REALLY big REALLY! That REALLY made me SMILE! I'm glad it's a good story because I figure I will sit around the Thanksgiving table, with this story in hand, and entertain the clan! I'm working on that trimming! Lisa
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Hi Vic, Yes, this is just one entry in my daily diary, pulled out at random! I'm delighted you enjoyed it -- and the chorus! Thanks for your fun visit! Lisa
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Hi Gus,
Oh MY! You're right about that "clan" line! In my drafts, I had "our clan" but then I thought that would make the singer sound like she wanted to be part of it. Then I had "her clan" but then I thought that made it sound like the singer wasn't related. I then settled on "the clan" -- without even thinking of the other meaning of the word!
Anyway, your change is in!
Thanks so much for your help and visit! Lisa
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Hi Travis, Thanks so much -- I'm pounding on my piano, singing away! Lisa
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fun song but nobody likes a rat.i don't mind kissin' cousins but sisters,na.Mike
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You've got that right about the rat, Michael. Thanks for stopping by! Lisa
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Hi Lisa, I didn't see this one.
Musta been when I was off the boards for a while!
This was a real kick! I love a good kick, ya, I love this!
Geneva
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Hi Geneva,
Thanks so much for pulling this up -- I'm happy you got a kick out of it!
I'd been thinking of a rewrite on it and you prompted me to work on it some more. A rewrite is above.
Travis had mentioned the Kissin' Cousin thing and I couldn't figure out how to work it in, with the sister thing, but, after further thinking...I'm scrapping the sister thing and replacing it with the less offensive cousin thing. Sometimes, the truth cannot prevail -- lol!
Also, Michael had said that no one likes a rat, which is true, and I kept having the urge to write the rat into the lyric, which I've done now in the bridge.
I hope this new version works!
Thanks for bringing this back up! Lisa
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Hey Lisa A fine write, I particularly like the chorus. Though I prefer the first rewrite, a bit more salacious LOL.
Peace Joe
Last edited by joewatt; 11/16/14 10:43 AM.
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Hey Joe,
Darn it! I'm trying to go toward the light and you're tempting me to go back to the dark side! LOL!
Thanks for stopping by! Lisa
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