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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 05/01/24 01:05 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 10:08 AM
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Here's a rewrite -- thanks to David and Calvin! David had some insightful thoughts about the meaning of the lyric that got me thinking, so I rewrote the chorus (added four lines to the beginning.) Calvin improved line one in verse 3 --- much smoother! Update 8/22: Per David's musings about verse 2 not being quite right, I made an additional change. Update 8/28: Made another change to verse 2, to stay with the cooking theme!
His Own World (rewrite #2)
They say she can be mean But he is really nice He always adds butter When she overcooks rice
When her anger simmers You won't hear him complain Because he's found a way To dissolve all the pain
CHORUS He creates his own world What a good place to be While she cooks up misery Like it's all she can see How does he stand it? Why doesn't he split? He creates his own world Where love doesn't quit
Bridge When he invites her in She laughs at him
CHORUS He creates his own world What a good place to be While she cooks up misery Like it's all she can see How does he stand it? Why doesn't he split? He creates his own world Where love doesn't quit
But one day she came in* Took a look 'round his place She thought she saw heaven It resembled his face
She ran back to her world Love can be tough to learn She put rice on the stove And then watched it burn
CHORUS He creates his own world What a good place to be While she cooks up misery Like it's all she can see How does he stand it? Why doesn't he split? He creates his own world Where love doesn't quit
He gives her a hand Puts butter in the pan
(c) 2014, Lisa Gundling
VERSION ONE His Own World
They say she can be mean But he is really nice He always adds butter When she overcooks rice
If their four walls could talk Two of hers would complain He's too kind to tell her She can be a big pain
CHORUS How can he stand it? Why doesn't he split? He creates his own world Where love doesn't quit
Bridge When he invites her in She laughs at him
CHORUS How can he stand it? Why doesn't he split? He creates his own world Where love doesn't quit
One day she did enter Took a look 'round his place She thought she saw heaven It resembled his face
She ran back to her world Love can be tough to learn She put rice on the stove And then watched it burn
CHORUS How can he stand it? Why doesn't he split? He creates his own world Where love doesn't quit
He gives her a hand Puts butter in the pan
(c) 2014, Lisa Gundling
Last edited by Lisa Gundling; 08/28/14 05:56 PM.
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Hi Lisa, this seems to be a lot deeper than first glance would indicate. When I say deeper, I know that the third verse is referencing his world, and believe verse two to be the real world, but it's a tad hard to catch right away. Could be that I'm just a little slow today, lol. In reality I think verse four confirms this. Where I'm having the problem is that we have his world, which is the hook, their world in line two with the walls, and then her world in line one of verse four. Some people like me for instance, may need to be guided a little more. I really like the thought here throughout. The chorus is cool. You've got another hook there in "love doesn't quit". I like the way you brought all that together. I would like to see a different rhyme scheme in the chorus though. With that said, I'm sure with the change in meter, a good singer could get the chorus to work fine. If I'm over thinking this just tell me to hush. I really like this lyric and it's intriguing!. David
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Hi David,
I love your reflections on this and you've made really great and astute points! I'm mulling this all over in my mind, and this one is harder, because what I've written is, I know, kind of out there and on the weirder side. So, I'm here thinking and will be back!!
THANKS so much for putting your thinking cap on and sharing your insightful thoughts!
Lisa
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Hi Lisa, Here's my thoughts... One day she did enter But one day she came inTook a look 'round his place She thought she saw heaven It resembled his face Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Hey Lisa I like the lyric but is she just not used to love and kindness or is she just a b##ch.
Peace Joe
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I like Cal's suggestion Lisa, I feel "one day she did enter" is perhaps a little old time folky and doesn't sit well. The rest is smooth as silk. Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Lisa, I understand the circumstance well. 3rd person seems like the right choice.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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This seems to imply that if you truly love someone, they will eventually learn to love you.
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Hi Again, David,
I've been thinking about your thoughts on this and added four lines to the chorus. I'm still thinking about other changes, but this is what I have so far. I hope this works! Thanks so much again for your insights!
Lisa
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Hi Calvin,
AHHHHH....MUCH SMOOTHER!! I've made your change -- THANKS!!!
Lisa
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Hi Joe,
I think she's a b****! Laughing! Well, like everyone...I guess it's not all black and white! There's good and evil...nice and mean! I'll think about any changes in that regard!
Thanks for your visit! Lisa
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Hi Travis,
Yes, Calvin's suggestion is much better and I've made his change! Of course, Calvin has a Ph.D. in smoothing out my writing! I've also added to the chorus, based upon some musings of David's that got me thinking!
Thanks! Lisa
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Hi John,
Thanks! I tried it in first person and third person and it did seem to be better in third person -- thanks for the nice visit and confirmation!
Lisa
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Hi Jim,
That's an interesting take...I wasn't trying to imply that, but I can definitely see where I gave the impression! For me, it was more like...he's making the best of a bad situation and, with any luck, things will get better for him!
Thanks for stopping by! Lisa
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Hiya Lisa, I really like what you did to the chorus, and like Calvin's suggestion as well. I'm not sure you need to do a lot more. The more definitive chorus really helped. I'm still eying that second verse some, but have nothing helpful to add. I was trying their walls first line, her two second line, his two third line, then the closing 4th line but just couldn't get it out. Anyway it looks great. Very nice job! David
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Hi Again, David,
Okay, you got me thinking about Verse 2, as I saw your point about its weakness. I've come up with a change now that I think is much better and segues into the chorus much more smoothly! You think?!!!
If their four walls could talk Two of hers would complain He's found a better way To forget all the pain
THANKS so much again for your help! Lisa
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Hi Lisa, I like that much better, but want to pitch just one more thing to you. How would this work? KOS If their four walls could talk Two of hers would complain His two found a better way To forget all the pain David
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Hi David,
I'm so sorry I'm delayed in getting back here! The summer has not been conducive to my focusing on writing!
If I stayed with the "wall" theme -- I'd have used your suggestion for SURE!
However, I got to thinking that, especially since I added some cooking references in the chorus, related to the rice...I thought maybe I should stick to the cooking theme, and take away the walls!
So, I now have, for verse 2:
When her anger simmers You won't hear him complain Because he's found a way To dissolve all the pain
Thank you SO much for pointing out weak spots and helping me to think these things through!
Lisa P.S. Made another change 45 minutes after I posted this...
Last edited by Lisa Gundling; 08/28/14 05:58 PM.
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Wow Lisa, i love the conflict in this one, and the way you play it out. this would be a grreat song for so many out there hwo live this daily. ~~Matt
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Perfect! Resolves everything and I personally like it even better. You've done a really great job at staying after this one. I think too many writers are focused on the next, more than the current. You have a really good lyric here! David
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Hi MFB,
It's so nice to see you back!!! Thank you for very nice comments here! WELCOME BACK!!
Lisa
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Hi David,
I'm smiling -- thanks! I know you kept having a nagging feeling about those lines and you were right and your thoughts kept pushing me to rethink them! BIG THANKS!!
Lisa
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