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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 10:08 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 12:41 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 10:39 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 11:04 AM
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by Rob B. - 04/21/24 08:40 PM
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 17
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 17 |
A little bit of hope
Running a little late Traffic slowed by the rain Cars creep as the lamps weep Passing time on the radio With echoes of laughter Ringing in every word
A little bit of doubt Is all that’s needed For even the strongest hope To be defeated
Switching stations To find a familiar song On streets that seem strange In the persistent mist Only a few feet to see Directions or distances
A little bit of fear Is all that is needed For even the strongest hope To be defeated
Taking the exit ramp Then pulling off the road Content to just wait For the traffic or the sky To clear enough to feel At ease to continue
A little bit of hope Is all that’s needed
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,041 Likes: 2
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Top 200 Poster
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I like the concept, both the frustrating theme of sitting in rainy day traffic and the silver lining of a little bit of hope. The chorus progression and the hook at the end are good. The verses just don't work for me. This doesn't feel like something that needs to be sung - more of a poem than a lyric. Cars creep as the lamps weepI don't see traffic lights as weeping so this image doesn't work for me. With echoes of laughter Ringing in every wordIs there a reason we should derive from the laughter? The phrasing in the second and third verses is stilted and utilizes anormal phrasing but still does not develop a rhyme. ------------------ Marty listen here Is there a setting on the digital delay that will allow me to think before I speak?
Marty my home Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 217
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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Hossoever I like this this song, I must agree with Marty around here. You should try to cover these hindrances up in your lyric and soon u might have something to brag about
Wanna feel divine? Play your acoustic guitar in a dark room with several candles in it.
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 721
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Top 500 Poster
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I tried but couldn't see a viable structure here...it is regular, but more like a poem than a song...and the ending felt incomplete. Kinda just left me hanging...
Slim
Come see CowboySlim when he's in your town, and support your LOCAL songwriter!
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 141
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
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Posts: 141 |
KZ, as the others have said, good concept. It does read like spoken poetry thought. Not sure what style you meant for the song. Rap?Blues?Country?Western?(just kidding that's Country and Western). If country, it would be more songlike perhaps with: (Remember these are just suggestions. I may not know at all what you wanted to say in your words.)
I was running late, in traffic slowed by rain, Cars were creeping by, as streetlamps touched the sky. etc. etc. etc...
------------------ "We should treat our fellow human beings gently; we're all part of the same wool."
"We should treat our fellow human beings gently; we're all part of the same wool."
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 17
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
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Posts: 17 |
Ok, I'm still getting the hang of this so since I'm a little slow I'll reply all at once.
I have been accused of being too poetic before.
Marty, I appreciate your suggestions I'll see what I can do it. The weeping lamps were supposed to be the rain dripping from the street lamps while the laughter was a vague reference to morning talk programs where the laughter always seemed canned to me.
Steve, I didn't really have a format in mind maybe that's part of the problem.
Slim, the ending was intentional but I agree somewhat abrupt.
Gilead, thanks for the encouragement.
Thanks for the comments.
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