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Joined: Jan 2006
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Hi Ricky,
I’m delighted that you liked this so much! Thanks for your nice comments and your in-depth help! As I’ve just said to Travis, I’ve made some changes, based upon your suggestions.
You were right about verse 2 not being connected with the smell/hell lines. I’ve rewritten that so I hope it connects better?!
Knuckle dragging cracked me up, so that’s in, along with the suspense in verse one, and the back up from the clan (I kept going back and forth with back up when I first wrote this — I do think that’s much better).
I’m still looking at that claw line. I was trying to make it look like, in my imagination, they turned to claws — not that they actually had. I was worried that if I just said they had, it might not work as well. I’m still debating about that.
Also, I had originally debated about the “dead woman” telling no tales, but I like the original dead man tells no tales line. However, I did reword it, because I liked the way you had phrased that. I hope it works!
Thanks again for your assistance and encouragement with this! Lisa P.S. I realized that I messed with the meter when I used the knuckle line. I have a temporary replacement while I think about how to add it!
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