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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 05/01/24 01:05 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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Joined: Jun 2011
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DOLLAR STORE SANTA
V
Turned bad when the main factory shut down
once thriving place became a ghost town
Fancy shops moved out, we'd no cash to spend
for our small community looked like the end
pre c
They put on a treat for the kids, loved their Christmas spirit
went around with a basket,if I had the money, could have filled it'
c
She sat on the knee of a dollar store Santa
Quietly warned him, be careful of those things you'll grant her.
Don't want to see her crying on Christmas Day
When there's no bike for riding or a dolls house to play
only got a little by to spend on her
saw her whisper what she wanted in Santa's ear
v
Christmas wasn't far away down came the snow
shops that survived put on a festive show
Dollar store on Main was a poor man's delight
Kinda tacky I guess but the price was right
b
My little girl got off Santa's knee,
Santa said,know what she said to me?
I said darlin' go have a look at the toys
be there in a tick I'm talking to Santa Clause.
She said something that brought a tear
don't want anything Santa
Only a new job for my daddy this year
v
Christmas next week, a call from my boss
he said, bank have agreed to all our costs
Possibly restart production this week?
that's if we're clear for lift off so to speak?
c
She sat on the knee of a dollar store Santa
Quietly warned him, be careful of those things you'll grant her.
Don't want to see her crying on Christmas Day
When there's no bike for riding or a dolls house to play
only got a little by to spend on her
saw her whisper what she wanted in Santa's ear
outro
Thanks Santa for making our Christmas this year
Last edited by Travis david; 12/21/14 07:48 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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I focused on your imaginative rhyming: spirit/filled it, Santa/grant her, spend on her/Santa's ear, said to me/at the toys.
Things turned toward the positive in your last verse. I have to wonder about next year.
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Cheers Jim
I've done a rewrite on this since your visit
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Commercially speaking, get to the chorus earlier, also lines 1 & 2 of v2 seem
awkward, non conversational. ?..try keep7ng full thoughts in each line
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Its one I put together too quickly thanks for the suggestion.it needs trimming down plenty.travis
Last edited by Travis david; 12/20/14 04:11 PM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Cheers Jim
I've done a rewrite on this since your visit
Travis Let's see it.
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Its different.may not seem it but it is lol. And has had a further rewrite on v1 and 2
Last edited by Travis david; 12/20/14 06:55 PM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi Travis,
I'm with Neil on this, awesome hook,
Gonna be a good song!
Geneva
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Thanks for your comments Geneva.ive moved verse two re yours and neils suggestion.travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi Travis,
What a touching story! Nice write!
I'm thinking in the chorus that you should make it more clear that it's the singer who whispered to Santa. Otherwise, it sounds like the little girl is talking to him. How about something like:
I PROPPED HER UP on the knee of THAT dollar store Santa
Quietly warned him, be careful of those things you'll grant her.
Lisa
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