JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 RE-WRITE (After Heart Wrenching, Ego-Bustin' Feedback --Thanks!)

Thanks Everybody,

For such excellent feedback. Here's a re-write of the
song after your feedback. It's still a work in progress
but it's vastly improved.

Any more good, hard-hitting feedback is welcome!
I'm just a glutton for punishment :-)

Regards,
Sterling


Genre: Country


Love Is Running Out Of Time
(c) 2010 Sterling Winterhalter

CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

VERSE 1
It used to be that looking in your eyes
Made the world fade away and made me smile
You used to think I could do anything
But you haven't thought that for a while
Used to be when we were alone together
It always ended in a passionate embrace
Now the laptop and remote control
Has taken passion's place

CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

VERSE 2
Couldn't wait to come home every night
Hear all about your day
Now it seems that all we do is fight
And can't wait to run away
Run away from disappointed eyes
Run away from all the tears we cried
And run away from the unspoken lie we're living
That neither one of us will say


CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time


VERSE 3
Laughing in my arms 'til midnight
Making love and sharing dreams
Flying high above ordinary life
How very long ago that seems
Took some time to get away
Looking for the love we lost, and oh how hard we tried
But soon discovered it's impossible to find
Something that has already died

CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time
(Repeat to end)

Howdy Sterling, Gus again. Boy, you just jump right on it, huh?
You took that last input so well, I'll dish you some more, ha ha

[nice soft rhymes = over+colder... & lines+time]

Girl we both know that it's all over
DARLIN, IT'S CLEAR WERE OVER......= [less wordy + deletes"Girl"]
Don't have to read between the lines
WE SEE THE TRUTH BETWEEN EACH LIE....=[less cliche' & maintains
nice soft rhyme, with a more definative statement]
Our love just keeps growing colder
OUR LOVE IS GROWING COLDER
And it's running out of time
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME

Sterling, I call this process STREAMLINING,= I try to say the same thing in less syllables, eliminating all that aren't
absolutely needed, Or I try to say more in the same number of syllables. You definitely improved the lyric in your re-write,
& maybe this will help show you how far you can take it........
............KOS. Let me know if you want more help like this
cuz I enjoy helping any way I can

Good on you, Sterling, for being so open to constructive critique. You're off to a good start.

I've made a few comments below.
Basically, your verses are saying much the same thing. They're a list of grievances. I'd suggest changing verse 3 into a bridge (of no more than 4-6 lines) in which some kind of resolution takes place. This would move the lyric forward. You could have the two people deciding either to climb out of the hole they're in and start paying attention to one another again, or they could decide to finally finish the relationship, though still having good memories. Just a random thought. There are a few ways you could create a resolution.

I hope this helps.

Donna

Genre: Country

Love Is Running Out Of Time
(c) 2010 Sterling Winterhalter

CHORUS Good suggestions from Gus.
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

VERSE 1 I'd streamline the verses a little more.
It used to be that looking in your eyes
Made the world fade away and made me smile
You used to think I could do anything
But you haven't thought that for a while
Used to be when we were alone together
It always ended in a passionate embrace
Now the laptop and remote control
Has Have taken passion's place

Here's just an example of one way you could go.

When I used to look into your eyes
It always made me smile
You were sure I could do anything
But haven’t thought that for a while
When we were alone together
It always ended in an embrace
Now the laptop and remote control
Have taken passion’s place


CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over Perhaps instead of them knowing it's over, they could simply be afraid it's over. This would then give more leeway for the bridge to have a positive twist.
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

VERSE 2
Couldn't wait to come home every night
Hear all about your day
Now it seems that all we do is fight
And can't wait to run away
Run away from From the pain in disappointed eyes Suggest not using "run away" three times.
Run away from the truth in all the tears we cried
And run away from the unspoken lie we're living
That neither one of us will say Better to use a word like "speak" rather than "say".
The rhyme scheme and metering needs to be readjusted to match that in verse 1.

CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time


VERSE 3 Suggest dropping verse 3 and creating a bridge instead.
Laughing in my arms 'til midnight
Making love and sharing dreams
Flying high above ordinary life
How very long ago that seems
Took some time to get away
Looking for the love we lost, and oh how hard we tried
But soon discovered it's impossible to find
Something that has already died

Here's just one example of a way you could go in the bridge.

Bridge
Let’s put away technology
Turn our eyes to you and me
Make the memories real again
Help each other feel again
Create a space where we can live
The way we did, and both forgive


CHORUS
Girl we both know that it's all over
Don't have to read between the lines
Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time

Our love just keeps growing colder
And it's running out of time
(Repeat to end)
[/quote]

Good morning Sterling,

Thoguht I'd peek again. Thought you might have moved things around a bit....Tip ...try and keep all your revisions on the same post it helps us with the critique, just change the subject line revision 1 or revision 101...:) you see...LOL

I'm liking what Gus is saying, try and boil down your pooint to having very few "the's, ands, etc...make each word meaty...

Do you have music that goes with the lyric? The pattern you have set will be very uniform if you doen't have a bit of change up in v3, meaning a bridge...only need 3 or 4 lines to twist it around on a positive note.

Keep writing.

Good Morning,

Donna, Kathy, & Gus! Thank you for the AMAZING feedback!
I'm going to take some time this weekend, print out all
of your great suggestions, and really spend some time
reworking this song.

Frankly, I'm star-struck at how you folks are able to so
easily breathe new life into my tired ole lyrics. I feel
like a first-grader getting guidance from Songwriting PhDs...
Wow, am I fortunate!

I truly understand the VALUE of your time and know-how,
so I really appreciate your willingness to share some of it to
help me hone my skills. What a great resource this forum
is for songwriters, especially new songwriters!

Anyway, thanks again. When I revamp this song, I'll be sure to
post the re-write to this thread.

Have a great weekend,
Sterling