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Yeah, ok, I posted two, one right after another....but I haven't posted anything in a week or so, so this is just me catching up.

Need crits, think Toby Keith singing this, or maybe Trace Atkins. (I'm good with either one, lol) Male, country, uptempo.

OK, here's a rewrite....is it any better than the first (which is below with the first round of revisions.....


More revisions..getting clearer?

[b]Had to keep the hot shower to get the steam, can't write messages on a dry mirror and it make sense, (yes, I looked over some suggs which I do appreciate very much)
[/b]

Steam
© 2008 Caroline Holder
All Rights Reserved

Hadn’t [b] Haven't seen thatmy girl at all much this week
Overtime at work to make ends meet
Gotta get myself a hot shower
Gotta pick her up in about an hour

Says she’s got some plans for me
My minds been racing all week

Opened up that shower door, reached for my towel
Looked at the bathroom mirror, and it all seemed clearer now

Chorus
She wrote
Hey baby when you’re through
I’ve got a little surprise for you
I’ll meet you in our spot, in just a few
I hope you’re up for a change in routine
And I hope, you don’t mind, a little more steam

Towel in hand, my mind was going nuts
It was all I could do to get dried off
She’s been playing hard to get
But, that hasn’t slowed me down yet

She dropped a hint or two, put me in a blur
Like how she was wanting me to touch and kiss her

I wonder if she spent any of her time betting
On me sweating, thinking of what I might be getting

Cause...
C-Repeat

Br.
I opened up the bathroom door
Saw Her clothes on the bedroom floor
She’s got me on fire with all this secret talk
So I say, here I come baby, ready or not


C-Repeat

Tag

I hope you don't mind, a little more steam[/b]






Steam
© 2008 Caroline Holder
All Rights Reserved

We hadn’t seen each other all week long
Between long hours at work, and her at her moms
Planning a party, for her baby sister

Stepping out of the shower to get a wash cloth
Looked at the mirror through the hot cloud of fog
I saw the note asking how much I missed her

She snuck in while I was soaping up
one of them things 'bout her I love

chorus
She wrote
Hey baby when you’re through
I’ve got a little surprise for you
I’ll meet you in our spot, in just a few
I hope you’re up for a change in routine
And I hope, you don’t mind, a little more steam

Toweling off, my mind’s going nuts
It was all I could do to get myself dried off
And dressed before I met up with her

Out the door and I’m in my truck
Finding Another note on the rearview, just my luck
Saying just how she wanted me to kiss her


Driving over to her place
Couldn't wait to see her pretty face

C-Repeat

Br.
I walk through the front door and I found my surprise
There’s her, a big screen, my team, and 6 pack of light

C-Repeat

Caroline,

I am liking where you're trying to go with this one, for the most part....but, I am confused. In v.1 you have him in the shower and saying that he hasn't seen much of her in a week, then he gets out of the shower and finds that she's been in there writing in the steam in the mirror.

Then he goes out to the truck and finds another note from her to meet her in their special place....then in the bridge he is walking in the front door of the very house they he came out of and finds his surprise. Am I missing something vital here...could me all me.....

I would change the end of the line that tells about the note in the truck and use TOUCH or MUCH or something else there....the way you have it sounds a bit YODA. Gosh, I think this is almost there....but needs to be clearer and a few tweaks on some lines, but I really love the hook and the way that you are trying to develop it, but it needs to be crystal clear...not cloudy like steam....but I do love a one word hook/title....when it really works. Don't give up on this one....it could be great with just a little more clarity.

Toby Keith.....or Trace....yup...I agree.

Jan

Great, thanks l;ady. I've made a couple clarity changes, hopefully that makes more sense now.

Great, thanks lady. I've made a couple clarity changes, hopefully that makes more sense now.

You mean that they weren't married....they lived in separate places.....and she can just sneak into the bathroom and write on the mirror....seems like if it'd been a week and she really missed him, she would have jumped into the shower. When you said snuck in....at first that's what I thought you meant(snuck...don't like that word much) Anyhow as it went on, I see that she left....I'm not sure that's believable, but could be completely ALL me. Had it been me....I would have stayed...HA. Was that Toby or Trace???? LOL.

Anyhow the lift changes DO help, but just think about what I said....don't know if it makes a hill of beans of good sense, but that's just how it keeps hitting me. I'm here to help, girl...you know that....Jan

well, i had her in the shower, but then I thought, what mom wants their kid listening to a hoochie song. and that pretty much ended the song before it got started...i could start in the truck, I suppose. but, I had her leave and wait for him. nope, not married, doens't always work that way, and some of us probably could control ourselves at least for an hour or two (if not, we'd never leave the house). after all, a wet man, fresh from a steamy shower is enough to make any straight woman imagine the best and anticipation is just as sexy. Believability? (sp?) I dunno, I'm willing ot see what others have to say..=)

Caroline,
the story line loses steam as it goes. Straight steamy as sexy seems like a jazz theme. Country or even rock may use some word play on "steam".

have fun,
John

OK, John, does this pick up or still a sad attempt??

Why don't you say, in the bridge....HER front door....then that further clarifies that they aren't married and don't live tog?

Also in the second lift....the last line with pretty face....I'd use something steamier there. Right now...I got nothing though....sorry. But you'll think of it.

Jan

oh, the rewrite doesn't have her pretty face in it. hmmm, you didn't see the new one? it's in bold. ugh!! back to work i guess....

Hi Caroline

I had read this earlier - but I did not have a solution... so my note is on the 1st version.....

what If

the note on the mirror was from the Last time that they made love......... so he's thinking....


then....... he calls her to meet up ---- but her surprise is the boy party......

jm

Ok....my bad.....I scrolled up, but not far enough. I have printed it off to look over tonight. Have to run now, but I will give it a real good look and get back with ya' tomorrow okay? Been a busy one!

Sorry I goofed....I'll be back.

jan

That is a GREAT Song Concept and an Outstanding HOOK:

This is one VERY SERIOUS LINE !!!

And I hope, you don’t mind, a little more Steam

I think you're really on to something GREAT Here. It needs to be reworked in some areas but I'm hearing some Kick-Ass Music for that one ... Kinda Like the song Chrome that Trace Adkins sang.

Thank You for Sharing

David

Hi Caroline,

I only read the revised version. I know you didn't mean for them to be married or living together, but I think it would really help the song. I think if you changed that first verse and take out the "Gotta pick her up in about an hour" and put in there something that shows they do live together, the rest of the song makes perfect sense to me.

I absolutely love the hook and I think it's going to turn out great when you get it all figured out.

Heather

I think it is a great idea to have a message written on the mirror that he sees when he is "steamed-up". It is a tough story to pull off, though, as you are finding out. Keep plugging away, you'll get it. Looks like you've got a few good suggestions to help.

Good luck with it.

Kevin

Caroline, love the hook...not too sure about the story...it feels complicated...when i saw the hook and that it was a Trace style song i thought of another great one word title song he did of a Jeffrey Steele song "Speed", i think that song is way cool, in fact i do it in my solo act. You may be able to draw some insight from it, although that is about getting away from a girl, not gettin' busy with her i will check back in with ya on this cos i LOVE the hook. see ya...mj

Caroline,
that revision works better. Simpler story line, simpler setting is good.

"when you're through" may not be the best beginning for subsequent chorusi. That's easy.

If she said she wanted him to touch and kiss her that's more of a 2x4 between the eyes than a hint. Need a new word to rhyme with blur. Dirty girls flirt in church. Take your picks.

Have fun,
John

Hey, you guys are all so awesome! Great suggs here. I have more work to do, but it's getting there. I'll come back in a bit and look again. So many good thing to think about, you've all gave good advice, thanks so much!

Hey Ms. Kim, thanks for giving this your time!

I looked over your suggs, great crit! I appreciate it.

If the steam fade from a mirror, you can't read the message. You'd be amazed at what you can write on a foggy mirror.

I changed toweling off to towel in hand, I wasn't thinking about the poor singer, yes, too difficult.

I don't think sweating is so much gra[hic as it is suggestive, which plays with the theme of the song. imo

Anyway...thanks so much for going through this, I appreciate it.

Damn, this is the kind of girl I need to meet!!!!!

OIK, I made a few more edits...see if it's closer, or have I ruined the whole idea...

Sam..don't know what to tell ya, but when you're taking your shower, maybe you'll be happier thinking of this scenario...=)

That comment was not about the reaction itself, but the character who would inspire it.
I ain't met her yet, but there's always hope....

This is coming along nicely, Caroline. A fun story.

Just a couple of suggestions below. KOS.

The story's becoming nicely simplified, but I still find it a bit confusing. It seems she's been teasing him all week. I wonder how she's done this if they've scarcely seen one another? Also, the fact of him having to pick her up in an hour at the favourite spot is a kind of a red herring, given that she's been in the house the whole time he was showering. Or is it just me being obtuse.

Donna



Steam
© 2008 Caroline Holder
All Rights Reserved

Hadn’t [b] Haven't seen thatmy girl at all much this week
Overtime at work to make ends meet
Gotta get myself a hot shower
Gotta pick her up in about an hour

Says she’s got some plans for me
My minds been racing all week

Opened up that shower door, reached for my towel
Looked at the bathroom mirror, and it all seemed clearer now ("Now" sounds at odds with the use of the past tense. I think he'd be more likely to say "it all seems clearer now".)

Chorus
She wrote
Hey baby when you’re through
I’ve got a little surprise for you
I’ll meet you in our spot, in just a few
I hope you’re up for a change in routine
And I hope, you don’t mind, a little more steam

Towel in hand,my mind - I was going nuts (Otherwise it sounds as if the singer's mind has the towel in its hand.)
It was all I could do to get dried off
She’s been playing hard to get
But, that hasn’t slowed me down yet

She dropped a hint or two, put me in a blur
Like how she was wanting me to touch and kiss her (Did she write that on the mirror?)

I wonder if she spent any of her time betting
On me sweating, thinking of what I might be getting

Cause...
C-Repeat

Br.
I opened up the bathroom door
Saw Her clothes were on the bedroom floor
She’s got me on fire with all this secret talk
So I say, here I come baby, ready or not


C-Repeat

Tag

I hope you don't mind, a little more steam[/b]






Steam
© 2008 Caroline Holder
All Rights Reserved

We hadn’t seen each other all week long
Between long hours at work, and her at her moms
Planning a party, for her baby sister

Stepping out of the shower to get a wash cloth
Looked at the mirror through the hot cloud of fog
I saw the note asking how much I missed her

She snuck in while I was soaping up
one of them things 'bout her I love

chorus
She wrote
Hey baby when you’re through
I’ve got a little surprise for you
I’ll meet you in our spot, in just a few
I hope you’re up for a change in routine
And I hope, you don’t mind, a little more steam

Toweling off, my mind’s going nuts
It was all I could do to get myself dried off
And dressed before I met up with her

Out the door and I’m in my truck
Finding Another note on the rearview, just my luck
Saying just how she wanted me to kiss her


Driving over to her place
Couldn't wait to see her pretty face

C-Repeat

Br.
I walk through the front door and I found my surprise
There’s her, a big screen, my team, and 6 pack of light

C-Repeat
[/quote]