JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 I Can Afford to Wait (pop/r&b?/m/f vox) 5090FAWN # 2

I was busy in the wee hours. Here's lyric # 2 in the 5090 challenge. Not sure about genre. Maybe pop or R&B? Suitable for male or female vocals.

Constructive critique welcome.

Donna

I Can Afford to Wait

(v1)
I feel you quietly struggle
Against a friendship beginning
Words all carefully chosen
The points you make, warily driven

Chorus
But I can afford to wait
Time is in my hands like a reel
I’ll gently play the line
Do my best to conceal
That before the night is over
And it’s safe to lose my cover
Your future will mirror mine
Yes, I can afford to wait

(v2)
The shadow of something more
Begins to stir in your eyes
Then leaps like a darkling fish
That no nonchalance can disguise

Instrumental

Bridge
Sinking intently through uncertain waters
Where waves of desire tremble, shy of the light
Hook so slenderly, tenderly piercing
To draw you up slowly with barely a fight

Chorus
But I can afford to wait
Time is in my hands like a reel
I’ll gently play the line
Do my best to conceal
That before the night is over
And it’s safe to lose my cover
Your future will mirror mine
Yes, I can afford to wait

© 2009 Donna Devine

Donna,
I'm unfamiliar with this particular challenge but I love this theme. It's not terribly common and it's the same as my favorite Shania song "No One Needs to Know".

Generally it reads fairly poetic which can be really pretty. Warily seems like a big word, I don't know what a darkling fish is. The bridge is more poetic than the rest which is probably just right.

I love your hook.

have fun,
John

Thanks, John.

I realise 'darkling' (a poetic word meaning 'shadowy', 'dark', 'obscure', etc.) is little used, but thought I'd tempt fate with it.

Donna

Hi Donna!!
Other than the darkling and warily, that is somewhat uncommon, I love the way you made the lyric about the reeling in and the giving no resistance to it. This is awesome writing. I come to expect it from you. Kim

Donna,

I can see this as a pop/musical write.

One thing I noticed while reading was your use of active/passive lines.

In verse one (quietly struggle, frendship beginning etc) and verse two (darkling fish). In the bridge you have some as well (Sinking intently, tenderly piercing).

I notice that all of your chorus is active and more conversational. For now, your use of passive/active looks random.

But with this title in mind, suggesting a more passive approach to love, I wonder if you perhaps could develop this lyric by a more pro-active use of passive active lines. This could perhaps help to create a lyric where you show the meaning by the use of passive/active language?

I was thinking a little reverse of what you actually were doing, having active lines in the verses, and more passive ones in the chorus. Not sure about the bridge, though (could be one couplet of each, depending on the function in the overall lyric)..

Just some thoughts, Donna.. KOS

Hi D,

I also am not familiar with darkling, but I sure like this part...it's excellent !

Hook so slenderly, tenderly piercing
To draw you up slowly with barely a fight

slenderly-tenderly,,,,,,,,,rocks !


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

HiDee Mz Donna!

Like the Hook & Plotline. But..overall..it's not what I'd call Conversational/feels too-poetic.

Think this'd work easier as a Dialogue-of-Questions...perhaps more Country-Flavored:

"I've heard your lines/
Several times before/
Can't you improve them/
'Cause I'd like to hear more...?

And I Can Afford to Wait/
I know you've been fishin', Honey/
Don't Cut Bait/
I'm Still Listening/
You're Still Safe/
So Tell Me More About You,
'Cuz..I Can Afford..to Wait"

Something Like That...would cut to the chase.

K-O-S, & Good Luck with The Final Version!
Big Hugs,
Stan