JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Salt of the Earth (formerly 'A Breed Apart')

I'm doing a lot of re-writing these days. This one's been shortened, and changed substantially in various places.

Because of the length, I didn't want a chorus after V3, but preferred to head straight into the bridge.

The hook/title is in the pre-chorus. Do you think this would fly?

Re 'shaft walls' being under the floor of an open pit mine: Yes, they were there. (In case anyone wondered. )

Critique welcome.

Donna

A Breed Apart or Salt of the Earth

(v1)
A pick and a shovel
Did daddy’s back in
So they sent him to the open pit
To head up a team
The hike in his pay
Didn’t cover his costs
And we stayed dirt poor
Though he made shift boss

Pre-chorus
Miners are a breed apart
The salt of the earth

Chorus 1
But a life’s worth nothin’
When a ripple starts to rumble
Through a seam of iron ore
And shaft walls crumble
Underneath the pit floor

(v2)
His hands were calloused
Tryin' to make ends meet
‘N times he felt like cryin’
He'd get so damn beat
Five kids needin’ clothes
And our ma needin’ more
It wasn't just the Man
Dad was workin’ for

Pre-chorus
Miners are a breed apart
The salt of the earth

Chorus 2
But a life’s worth nothin’
When a ripple starts to rumble
Through a seam of iron ore
And shaft walls crumble
Underneath the pit floor

(v3)
On a winter morning
He packed his lunch pail
Made a roll-your-own
Prob'ly smiled as he inhaled
Thought he’d give us a treat
The daughters, the sons
And set out our bowls
With a coin by each one

Bridge
In the cold starshine
He walked up to the mine
While the five nickels shone
And in our beds we all dreamed on

Chorus 3
And a life’s worth nothin’
When a ripple starts to rumble
Through a seam of iron ore
And shaft walls crumble
Underneath the pit floor

Outro
And keep the salt of the earth
From comin’ home anymore

© 2010-2012 Donna Devine

Hey Donna,
Overall a good lyric. Wondering if the title should be "[color:#FF0000]Salt Of The Earth", since miners go down in the earth..

I noticed your rhyme scheme in verse one is different than the rhyme schemes in your other verses. I'd make it match.[/color]

Thanks, R. Shayne.

I was tossing up between 'A Breed Apart' and 'Salt of the Earth'.
I agree, the latter could be a better choice because of the earth connection, which is implied in the pre-chorus anyway.

Dang! Yep, in V2 I inadvertently have ABAB in the first 4 lines rather than the ABCB pattern throughout the other two verses. I wonder whether that would be a big deal?

Guess I could change one of those lines, though I like the way they flow.
(But good you noticed that. )

Donna

Hey Donna
A good lyric,my father worked on the oil rigs of the coast of aberdeen (in scotland),not quite the same but similar conditions in terms of hardship. In fact that's what screwed up my dads back
And he was crippled in his forties.

Anyway sorry about that,but still a good lyric.

Peace
Joe

R. Shayne, I agree. Thinking now how I'll change one of those two lines.

Thanks, Joe. The human body is resilient in so many ways, but it has it's breaking point.

Donna

Donna,

Overall I'd say this is a very nice lyric. I think the verses should be the same pattern throughout as Shayne mentioned. I also like the title "Salt of the Earth" better too. You have well-written images and it has good emotion in it. I enjoyed the write very much!

Hi Donna,

Good writing you have here and there’s a lot of visuals to tell the story. I like the chorus and how it comes around to tragically touch his life in the end there.

Call me crazy, but I also see V2 as a chorus and the CH as a bridge since the chorus adds the element of how fragile and out of control life can be. V1 and V3 move the story forward but V2 kind of circles around a bit more generally and is relatable to a wide audience...good for repetition. It would hit us hard, imo, if throughout the song you’re talking about how hard his life is, etc... then in the BR you hit us with how dangerous it is. Might make it too sad this way however......anyway, I was just playing around with some ideas...

Kristi

Thank you, Jen. In the meantime, the title's been changed, and I've tweaked another word or two.

Kristi, thanks. That's an interesting idea, switching things around. I'm playing with it at the moment, though I may go back to the original structure, as I want to keep the bit about him going up the hill. Good observation, though, about V2 being more general. If I do keep the original structure, I'd tweak V2 to make it match the other two verses. Thanks for that input.

Donna

Donna, Good character sketch of a miner's life. I can't imagine it. 5 kids to feed. They are indeed the salt of the earth. I feel guilty living the life of a Nashville songwriter. You do a lot of rewriting. They really believe in re-writing here in Tune Town.
Jim Colyer

Hey Donna,
Tiny tweaks below, keep or sweep

(v1)
A pick and a shovel
Did daddy’s back in
So they sent him to the open pit
To head up a team
The hike in his pay
Didn’t cover his costs
And we stayed dirt poor
Though he made shift boss

Pre-chorus
Miners are a breed apart
The salt of the earth

Chorus 1
But a life’s worth nothin’
When a ripple starts to rumble
Through a seam of iron ore
And shaft walls crumble
Underneath the pit floor

(v2)
His hands were calloused
Tryin' to make ends meet
‘N times he felt like cryin’
He'd get so damn beat
Five kids needin’ clothes
And our ma needin’ more
It wasn't just the Man
Dad was workin’ for

Pre-chorus
Miners are a breed apart
The salt of the earth

Chorus 2
But a life’s worth nothin’
When a ripple starts to rumble
Through a seam of iron ore
And shaft walls crumble
Underneath the pit floor

(v3)
On a winter morning
He packed his lunch pail
Made a roll-your-own
An’ smiled as he inhaled
Thought he’d give us a treat
The daughters, the sons
And set out our bowls
With a coin by each one

Bridge
In the cold starshine
He walked up to the mine
While on the kitchen table
While the five nickels shone
And in our beds we all dreamed on

Chorus 3
And a life’s worth nothin’
When a ripple starts to rumble
Through a seam of iron ore
And shaft walls crumble
Underneath the pit floor

Outro
And keep a shift boss
From comin’ home anymore