Lonely in heaven. Rewrite 5

Lonely in heaven. Rewrite 5 #953784 04/07/12 01:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Lonely in heaven Rewrite 5 v I was found just a baby 'neath a tree scrawled note from my mom pinned to me It said,please take him or the devil wins he's already bought my soul for my wicked sins v Raised in an orphanage in Boston beaten for things I sometimes hadn't done My life became a living hell everyday When new year was ushered in, I ran away c. It'd be too-lonely in Heaven When all my friends are waiting in Hell Devil's owned my soul since the day I was born Now it's Payback-Time, I can tell v A shirt on my back, with snow inches deep picking through trash cans then trying to sleep Later I ran wild and dangerous with a mob was never the option of taking a job v Time rolled on, I'd reached twenty-one Big and bullet proof with a loaded gun We cased all day and we robbed all night Didn't matter much, what was wrong or right c. It'd be too-lonely in Heaven When all my friends are waitin' in Hell Devil's owned my soul since the day I was born Now it's Payback-Time, I can tell v Surrounded one night by the sheriff's men I Was on my own there were four of them Next thing I knew I was lying on the ground a voice said,another no good punk hell bound c. It'd be too-lonely in Heaven When all my friends are waitin' in Hell Devil's owned my soul since the day I was born Now it's Payback-Time, I can tell Last edited by Travis david; 04/12/12 08:48 AM. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven( if St. Peter takes me in) Travis david #953786 04/07/12 01:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 6,339 Likes: 6 Montreal, Quebec, Canada Douglas Murphy Top 40 Poster
Douglas Murphy Top 40 Poster Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 6,339 Likes: 6 Montreal, Quebec, Canada	morning Travis. good start to a "story" type lyric. You have the elements to make it work. few typo's here and there and the only thing that stood out to me was the years from 12 to 18. Thought the "singer" might have grown to fast(??). lets see what others have to say and have a great day! douglas "Is this a practice? They are all practices." John Denver www.soundclick.com/dougmurphy

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven( if St. Peter takes me in) Douglas Murphy #953791 04/07/12 01:50 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Thanks for your comments Doug, My spelling is so bad that I can't spot the typos lol.I have reduced the time factor in the lyric. Have a good Easter Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven( if St. Peter takes me in) Travis david #953796 04/07/12 01:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 6,339 Likes: 6 Montreal, Quebec, Canada Douglas Murphy Top 40 Poster
Douglas Murphy Top 40 Poster Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 6,339 Likes: 6 Montreal, Quebec, Canada	you too Travis. "Is this a practice? They are all practices." John Denver www.soundclick.com/dougmurphy

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven( if St. Peter takes me in) Douglas Murphy #953813 04/07/12 02:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Weather here improving, been damn cold this week.Got my wife and Easter Egg to keep her happy lol Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven( if St. Peter takes me in) Travis david #953826 04/07/12 03:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2005 Posts: 13,325 Louisiana Michael LeBlanc Top 10 Poster
Michael LeBlanc Top 10 Poster Joined: Jan 2005 Posts: 13,325 Louisiana	good story Travis but not much snow in Galveston if that's the one in Texas!My only nit.Good luck with it man!

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven( if St. Peter takes me in) Michael LeBlanc #953833 04/07/12 03:59 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Thanks NMike Switched places lol Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven( if St. Peter takes me in) Travis david #953849 04/07/12 06:33 PM
Joined: May 2009 Posts: 2,067 Edmonton, KY R. Shayne Vaughan Top 200 Poster
R. Shayne Vaughan Top 200 Poster Joined: May 2009 Posts: 2,067 Edmonton, KY	Hey Travis, Tweaks below, mostly for meter... keep or sweep My mamma never cared too much for me she left me in a box underneath a tree. Raised in an orphanage in Paterson at twelve years of age,it was time to run v Just a shirt on my back, with snow so deep I scavenged from trash cans then tried to sleep By fourteen I was running round town with a mob there was never the option of taking a job v By the time I had reached twenty one I went knowhere without carrying my gun It didn't matter to me what was wrong or right bullets often flew, I was that thief in the night b One night I was cornered by the sheriff's men On my own but there were four of them �I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.� - Harlan Howard Co-writing = Compromise!

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven. Rewrite R. Shayne Vaughan #953918 04/08/12 07:03 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Hi Shayne Thanks for your help with this I'll take a look for the rewrite. Travis Last edited by Travis david; 04/08/12 03:45 PM. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #953973 04/08/12 03:45 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	This is the rewrite using some suggestions made by Shayne Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #953983 04/08/12 04:27 PM
Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1 NASHVILLE, TN Mackie H. Top 20 Poster
Mackie H. Top 20 Poster Joined: Sep 2009 Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1 NASHVILLE, TN	TRAVIS-- I RAN AWAY FROM THE ORPHANAGE TWICE--THE PUNISHMENT WAS WORSE THAN THE DREAM--I WAS RUNNING AWAY WITH NO PLACE TO RUN--LOTS OF THOUGHTS IN THIS ONE--SOME I HAD! I LIKE THE GENERAL STORY, BUT NOT THE ENDING--I THINK IT SHOULD TURN OUT POSITIVE--ELECTRICITY FLOWS FROM NEGATIVE TO POSITIVE--EVEN WITH A SHOCK! KEEP ON WRITING-- Mackie SOME OF MY SONGS http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1003914&content=music

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven. Rewrite Mackie H. #953990 04/08/12 05:03 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Hi Mackie Sounds like a hard childhood Mackie, I hope you eventually found some happiness as achild. I will take a further look when I do the next rewrite. Thanks for your comments and sugg Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #954084 04/09/12 02:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 8,490 Lisa Gundling Top 20 Poster
Lisa Gundling Top 20 Poster Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 8,490	Hi Travis, Yes, I think we need some kind of happy ending here! All of this negative stuff happens, and you weave a good tale, but then we're expecting something different, and the different would, I suppose, have to be good, since the rest is bad stuff happening to the poor guy! Lisa

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven. Rewrite Lisa Gundling #954121 04/09/12 10:44 PM
Joined: Mar 2010 Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 Dearborn, Mi RogerS Top 200 Poster
RogerS Top 200 Poster Joined: Mar 2010 Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 Dearborn, Mi	Hi Travis, hey you have a great start on this one. I would agree with maybe trying a positive twist at the end. But I have one thing that I'm missing--and it must be me because no one else brought it up--the Title/hook--I'll find it so lonely in heaven--why would he think he's going to heaven after life like that? I'm lost on that one,lol. Outside of my confusion--great story line. Take care, roger Roger Sosnowski The happiest people in life are those involved in music

Re: It'll be lonely in heaven. Rewrite RogerS #954126 04/09/12 11:04 PM
Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 6,578 Missouri Wyman Lloyd (D) Top 30 Poster
Wyman Lloyd (D) Top 30 Poster Joined: Apr 2001 Posts: 6,578 Missouri	Hi Travis, A pretty good story but I think Roger has a point. A possibility of just changing the heaven line to something like--- I'd find it too lonely in Heaven Write on Last edited by Wyman Lloyd; 04/09/12 11:04 PM.

Re: I'll find it so lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #954166 04/10/12 06:22 AM
Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 85 Indianapolis, IN thegroovedepartment Serious Contributor
thegroovedepartment Serious Contributor Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 85 Indianapolis, IN	Very good. Some typo's (fourteen == at fourteen) It is sad that there are some people who were (and are) raised in this way!!!!!!!

Re: I'll find it so lonely in heaven. Rewrite thegroovedepartment #954203 04/10/12 02:39 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Hi Roger Thanks for your comments, the guy was obviously an optimist lol Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: I'll find it so lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #954204 04/10/12 02:41 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Hi Lisa I have done a rewrite on the C and here and there but this guy is a bad one and he must go. No reprieve, he didn't even ask for mercy lol Travis Last edited by Travis david; 04/10/12 02:43 PM. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: I'll find it so lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #954262 04/11/12 01:05 AM
Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 8,490 Lisa Gundling Top 20 Poster
Lisa Gundling Top 20 Poster Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 8,490	Hi Travis, Hey -- I saw Roger's comment and got to thinking about it, and had an idea that would address the issue... You could start verse one with something like: My mamma never cared much for me She left me in a box underneath a tree Pinned a scrawled note to my tattered diaper Said he came from hell, hope he finds heaven And then, in the chorus, he could talk about how he has FAMILY waiting in hell, of even his mamma waiting in heaven, instead of rowdy friends. Then, we'd sort of understand why he's being so bad -- he thinks he'll be reunited with his family! Seems more compelling than ending up with his friends, especially since he didn't know his family. And then, when he winds up in hell, at least we have the satisfaction of knowing that he's back with his family. Well, this IS getting a little twisted, but thought I'd throw the thought out there! Lisa

Re: I'll find it so lonely in heaven. Rewrite Lisa Gundling #954282 04/11/12 08:01 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Hi Grove Thanks for your comment. The "fourteen " is intentional. Stay cool Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: I'll find it so lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #954283 04/11/12 08:13 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Hi Lisa I liked the scrawled note line but I needed to get the orphanage in so I have ommitted the other part.Thanks for that. I have also changed the C again, not sure if it works? Travis Last edited by Travis david; 04/11/12 12:01 PM. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: I'll find it so lonely in heaven. Rewrite Travis david #954331 04/11/12 02:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	I've added an extra verse and changed the C yet again. Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: I'd find it lonely in heaven. Rewrite 4 Travis david #954333 04/11/12 02:57 PM
Joined: Jul 2010 Posts: 29,275 Tampa, Florida since 1973 " "Tampa Stan" Good (D) Top 10 Poster
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Top 10 Poster " Joined: Jul 2010 Posts: 29,275 Tampa, Florida since 1973	HiDee Bro-Trav'... "It'd be too-lonely in Heaven/ When all my friends are waitin' in Hell/ Devil's owned my soul since the day I was born/ Now it's Payback-Time, I can tell" KOS on that Chorus Sug... I'll also sug Pruning every Removable-Word in your Verses, so it's smoother-to-sing. Vl f'rinstance: Found as a baby, neath a tree/ Note from Mama, pinned-to-me/ Said "Please take him, or the devil could/ 'Cause his daddy took me, when I was up to no-good" KOS...again...&..Good Luck with this Tough-as-Nails Life-Story, Amigo! Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Stan

Re: I'd find it lonely in heaven. Rewrite 4 "Tampa Stan" Good (D) #954336 04/11/12 03:07 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	Hi Stan Good suggestion for this which I have taken on. Thanks Bruv Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Re: I'd find it lonely in heaven. Rewrite 4 Travis david #954413 04/12/12 08:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK T Travis david OP Top 10 Poster
OP Travis david Top 10 Poster T Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 12,380 Likes: 8 Kendal, Cumbria .UK	I have omitted the B and made it into a V for this quick rewrite. I have also changed v1 Travis We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

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