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Hello All,

Below is a lyric which I would love to hear your thoughts and criticism on. Please, don't spare your opinions. Also, I am interested in partnering with a musician/vocalist who can possibly breathe life into my words. Thank you.


I Don’t Want You Anymore

Verse 1:
Remember me, do you remember me?
The man you left behind
the one who loved you blind?
And can you see, my darling can you see?
How torn I am inside
from waiting all this time?


Pre-chorus:
For you to find your way to me again
Now you’re wondering what’s on my mind
well, let me fill you in


Chorus:
Were you gone so long?
that you couldn’t find your way back home
back to the arms I held you in?
And did you go so far?
that you couldn’t feel me holding on
even after we came to an end?
I might have needed you then
but I don’t want you anymore


Verse 2:
Remember when, do you remember when?
We had our first long fight
we made up that next night?
And then again, did either of us win?
We never said goodbye
if only we had time


Pre-chorus:
But now the hourglass is out of sand
and I know you feel misunderstood
but I can’t understand


Chorus:
Were you gone so long?
that you couldn’t find your way back home
back to the arms I held you in?
And did you go so far?
that you couldn’t feel me holding on
even after we came to an end?
I might have needed you then
but I don’t want you anymore

I don’t want you anymore


Pre-chorus:
Now every day is better than the last
and you’ll never know how good it feels
to leave you in the past


Chorus:
Were you gone so long?
that you couldn’t find your way back home
back to the arms I held you in?
And did you go so far?
that you couldn’t feel me holding on
even after we came to an end?
I might have needed you then
but I don’t want you anymore

I don’t want you anymore


Remember me, do you remember me?


Words by Samantha Hawkins

Hi there Samantha, first a big welcome from myself and Helen, from London in the UK.

I see that you have posted two sets of lyrics, and had lots of views but no comments.

Perhaps thats because, we like to know the reason for posting.

Is it just for us to read or ar you looking for thoughts on the lyrics, or then again is it critiqes you are looking for and if so,gentle or tough.

Personally my style of writing is a long way from yours and I woulnt be able to venture opinions. But let us know what you want or ecpect and I am sure others will come in.

You can edit the post at the top if you want.

God Bless Roy and Helen

Roy, I suppose that it's obvious I'm a newbie to this site. Thank you so much for the advice (I defiinitely needed it)! I've since edited my post to reflect my intentions for posting my lyrics (to get feedback and possibly find a collaborator), and I'm hoping to get some responses back.

Thanks again,

Samantha

I see some words in there that look like 'extras'. Extra words mean extra notes. Melodically, it might work better without them.

I Don’t Want You Anymore

Line 1 opens with 4 syllables/notes, then 6. There's a natural rhythm to it, implying some of the melody.

Verse 1:
Remember me, do you remember me?
The man you left behind
the one who loved you blind?

Line 4 could match Line 1 identically, note for note, and be very effective in supplying structure, by eliminating the 'And'. The singer doesn't have to pronounce 'And', which they often don't, omitting the 'A' and leaving 'nd' to slur into the next word.

And can you see, my darling can you see?
How torn I am inside
from waiting all this time?

Pre-chorus:
For you to find your way to me again

(Do you need 'Now' in line 5, below? Would 'what is' work better than 'what's'?)

Now you’re wondering what’s on my mind
well, let me fill you in

Chorus:
Were you gone so long? ('Gone so long' seems like a stronger hook than 'I don't want you'. It sums up what the Verses have set up for.)
that you couldn’t find your way back home (Cut 'that', and 'back'?)
back to the arms I held you in?
And did you go so far? (Cut 'And')
that you couldn’t feel me holding on (Cut 'that')
even after we came to an end?
I might have needed you then
but I don’t want you anymore

Verse 2:
Remember when, do you remember when?
We had our first long fight? ('long'? Not 'big'?)
we made up that next night.
And then again, did either of us win? (Cut 'And')
We never said goodbye
if only we had time

Pre-chorus:
But now the hourglass is out of sand (Cut 'But'. Cut 'now'?)
and I know you feel misunderstood (Cut 'and')
but I can’t understand (Cut 'but')

Chorus:
Were you gone so long?
you couldn’t find your way home
back to the arms I held you in?
Did you go so far?
you couldn’t feel me holding on
even after we came to an end?
I might have needed you then
but I don’t want you anymore

I don’t want you anymore

Pre-chorus:
Now every day is better than the last (Cut 'Now')
You’ll never know how good it feels
to leave you in the past

Chorus:
Were you gone so long?
you couldn’t find your way home
back to the arms I held you in?
Did you go so far?
you couldn’t feel me holding on
even after we came to an end?
I might have needed you then
but I don’t want you anymore

I don’t want you anymore

Remember me, do you remember me?

Words by Samantha Hawkins


Here's an alternative Chorus, using "Gone So Long" as THE hook.
Chorus:
Were you Gone So Long?
you couldn’t find your way home
back to the arms I held you in?
Did you go so far?
you couldn’t feel me holding on
even after we came to an end?
Were you Gone So Long?

Your welcome Samantha.

Some good advice IMo already given.

Of course the way to get thoughts and opinions is to give some as well. Its a sort or give and take.

Spend a bit of time looking at others lyrics and if you think you can offer any help, do so. (unless the post says, NOT LOOKING FOR SUGGESTIONS lol)

Then members will get to know you and thats how working relationships are built.

Takes a bit of time, although you never know. Someone may see your comment on anothers lyrics and have a look at yours and think, ummm, I can musicate this one.

Good luck and

God Bless Roy and Helen

Wow! Mr. Gary, I can't thank you enough for the critique that you offered me on my composition. I'm taking everyone of your suggestions (not just to heart) but to paper, and I'm even changing the chorus. You are a GODSEND!!!

Thanks again,

Samantha