JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Please critique the lyrics for my song "Running With Scissors"

Hey everyone,
Okay, so I am putting myself out here on a limb, so please don't be too brutal! lol Anyway, please let me know your thoughts. By the way, the melody has a rock kind of feel to it. Here it is:

"Running With Scissors"

Written by Shayne N. Edson

Verse 1:

At first glance, you'd never guess
That her life's been such a mess
She masks it well, in high heels
Some makeup & facial peels
Keeps all the anger inside
Til she can't just let it slide
Then she'll throw things at the wall
Break down & have a good bawl

Chorus:

Yeah, she's always smashin' mirrors
Crazy chick that runs with scissors
Check her in your rear view mirrors
Crazy chick running with scissors
Her tongue'll lash out like razors
Then she'll give love that amazes
Crazy chick running with scissors
Yeah, that chick running with scissors

Verse 2:

She's a contrast, that's for sure
She's anything but a bore
That crazy glint in her eyes
Once past that, she's a surprise
Dr Jekyl she may be
Yet she'll love you like crazy
This chick's a rollercoaster
She'll ruin you for another

Chorus

Yeah, she's always smashin' mirrors
Crazy chick that runs with scissors
Check her in your rear view mirrors
Crazy chick running with scissors
Her tongue'll lash out like razors
Then she'll give love that amazes
Crazy chick running with scissors
Yeah, that chick running with scissors

Bridge:

Though she runs with scissors,
You'll want no one else for your Missus,
She'll make your head spin, again & again & again...

Chorus (x 2)

Yeah, she's always smashin' mirrors
Crazy chick that runs with scissors
Check her in your rear view mirrors
Crazy chick running with scissors
Her tongue'll lash out like razors
Then she'll give love that amazes
Crazy chick running with scissors
Yeah, that chick running with scissors

Thanks for your time & feedback!

Shayne

Fitting for a heavy rock song, most definitely.

Good points:The lines are coherent. Each line follows on logically from the previous one. Not just a set of random ideas.I like the way the chorus is themed around things that cut 'scissors' and 'razors'

Things to work on: I never think it's a good idea to write songs in the third person, although there are lots of good songs that do. I think ideas are much more powerful if you use first or second. In this case 'You're a contrast that's for sure' is much more imediate to the listener/reader than what you have. Some of the the rhymes are a bit cringeworthy although you'll get away with them in the right song. A little trick I use is to put the dodgy rhyme first. eg. 'You'd want to make noone else your mrs than this crazy chick who runs with scissors'. To me, this just sounds better.

Okay, I'm listening to this song. You've given me a caricature of an angry, whacked out crazy chick who throws tantrums and "runs with scissors" but can also be loving and make my "head spin." And then the song insults me by saying I'd want this whacko as my "missus." By then, you've lost me as a listener. If you must write a song like this, at least write it from the first person point of view.

Avoid caricatures if at all possible. They're not believable. And try to make listeners feel something instead of telling them what to feel. I'm not trying to be brutal with you. Just offering a couple rules of the road for you as a fellow songwriter.

Thank you, Ken. And thank you, Dan. I will take on board your advice. Much obliged.

Okay. Here are the changed lyrics, guys. Any more advice? Thank you!

Verse 1:

At first glance, you'd never guess
That your life's been such a mess
You mask it well, in high heels
Some makeup & facial peels
Keep all the anger inside
Til you can't just let it slide
Then you'll throw things at the wall
Break down & have a good bawl

Chorus:

Yeah, you're always smashin' mirrors
You crazy chick running with scissors
Check you in my rear view mirrors
You crazy chick running with scissors
Your tongue'll lash out like razors
Then you'll give love that amazes
You crazy chick running with scissors
Yeah, you crazy chick running with scissors

Verse 2:

You're a contrast, that's for sure
You're anything but a bore
That crazy glint in your eyes
Once past that, you're a surprise
Dr Jekyl you may be
Yet you love me like crazy
You're such a rollercoaster
You'll ruin me for another

Chorus

Bridge:

I want to make no one else my Mrs
Than this crazy chick who runs with scissors
You make my head spin, again & again & again...

Chorus x 2

Shayne, You're making progress. It's coming along.

I actually know a chick like this. O.o

I actually know a chick like this. O.o

Post deleted by Meg Engell

@ Meg, whoa! lol Thanks, Dan. will have another look at it. I picked up some more fine tuning it needed.

Hey Dan, I sent you a friend request on your youtube channel.

Okey dokey, a little more fine tuned:

Verse 1:

At first glance, no one would guess
That your life's been such a mess
You mask it well, in high heels
Some makeup & facial peels
Keep all the anger inside
Til you can't just let it slide
Then you'll throw things at the wall
Break down & have a good bawl

Chorus:

Yeah, you're always smashin' mirrors
You crazy chick running with scissors
Check you in my rear view mirror
You crazy chick running with scissors
Your tongue'll lash out like razors
Then you'll give love that amazes
You crazy chick running with scissors
Yeah, you crazy chick running with scissors

Verse 2:

You're a contrast, that's for sure
You're anything but a bore
That crazy glint in your eyes
Once past that, you're a surprise
Dr Jekyl you may be
Yet you love me like crazy
You're such a rollercoaster
You'll ruin me for another

Chorus

Bridge:

I want to make no one else my Mrs
Than you, my crazy chick who runs with scissors
You make my head spin, again & again & again...

Chorus x 2

Further suggestions welcome!

Shayne, got the invitation and accepted it. Thanks.

I meant the crazy chick part, not the Mrs. part. In case that was...confusing anyone.

Not at all, Meg! I knew what you meant. And I'm easy to confuse! lol