JPF Home Page Forums General Messages Songwriter Message Forum Looking for a collab , 'new country' type lyric

I've got the first verse and first chorus down -- new country -- didn't come up with a title I'm happy with yet. Guess it has to evolve. Interested? PM me. Thanks!

-Dave

(Untitled)

V1

I met you in a photograph
That's etched into my mind
Like I lose you in a video
That plays you're gone each time
There's a gold ring on the mantle
Your set of keys hang on the wall
The cracked clock insists it's 2 A.M.
And I know how to change it all

Ch1

I ain't about to get up 'an fall again for you
You missed me with the ashtrays
But the fact is that you threw
An' I ain't about to get up 'an fall again for you
There's a life out there with my name on it
An' I'm going to find it too
I ain't about to get up 'an fall again for you

I do hope to genrerate some interest in this lyric -- looking for someone who can help finish it and musicate (good golly, I hate that word -- sounds like a surgical procedure), the final product.

-Dave

Dave,

What exactly is "New" about this? The you and I can't stand each other and you have hurt me last" is kind of a pretty well work theme. Overworn actually.

MAB

Hey Marc! Thanks for your input. That's a good question you put forth. What exactly is new about any of this nothing new under the sun 'new' country out there? Have a good 'un!

-Dave

Hi Dave,

I had a look at your Sound Click site.

I think "Lone Star State Of Mind" is a title to avoid, many have tried to latch on to this theme, and failed, it's allready been done to death by some so called Pro writers,

Your melody needs Dynamics, and the lyrics are quite corny,

you need to find another angle , your own, not someone elses.

That said we all have to learn somehow, and I wish you the best of luck.

Hey Matt! Thanks for the visit both here and at soundclick. I appreciate your crits and advice.

Lone Star State of Mind, basic soundtrack, was done back in 2000, three years before the movie by the same name came out. And 'ya know what? I've been told by a lot of folks that they enjoy listening to it -- and so do I at times. It's just an ol' feel good trucker song. As far as the lyrics being corny, I just have to listen to some of what's playing on country radio now-a-days and it's all good after that. I just cruise on! My best to you!

-Dave

Dave,

Generally what is new about the "new country" is usually "twist on the tale," "rope of hope", finding a different approach on a subject been done a million times before that make people want to hear a song over and over again. Most of the things Jeffery Steele, Craig Wiseman and most of the 25 writers that are getting 85% of the cuts write.
In addition the "inside cut" where artists are the writers and the relationships they have built whereas most don't have those relationships are the difference.
But the great thing about music is everyone has the ability to write what they want. be who they want to be and through the Internet get it into as many people's listening areas as they can.

That is the key to the music business.

MAB

Thanks for that, Marc!

Oh yeah...Almost forgot. So...In essence, you're saying you don't like the chorus, correctamundo?

Hi Dave

Love to help you out, but I'm on my learners.

Marc, Matt, this is only my opinion, Dave asked for a collaboration, and I feel you guys are being a little bit Harsh, gosh, with all the expert writers out their, does it really matter that Dave feels that his lyrics are "New Country", what because it's already been used a thousand times over, who cares, I don't, Dave you keep enjoying what you do, have fun, and don't live in hope of ever writing that Hit song, because only Jeffrey Steele can write Hit Songs hah, or the expert writers in Nashville, hmmm, I don't agree, Yes Jeffrey Steele has my respect, and so does Nashville, but I feel you all take it over the top. If you don't want to collaborate, that's okay, don't say anything at all hah. Be NICE, and SMILE.

Lv Jeffrey Steele's songs he's written, yeah that's talent, but I'd be pretty sure that not even Jeffrey Steele would be as harsh as you guys, what happened to support, encouraging, etc.

You know, I didn't do very good in School, I have never played an instrument, I don't understand anything to do with Music, but who gives a hoot, my songs might not be great songs to you guys, but they are great songs to me, and I'm very proud of what I've achieved in such a short time, and that's what matters most.

Over my life time, I didn't learn from reading a book, or by going to school, hmm, English was my best subject though, the rest I didn't understand, and failed them. I learnt a lot from having a go, learnt by doing it, and I consider myself very lucky that I did meet good people, who encouraged me, taught me,etc, the skills that I can now do, Manage a Club, Pub, count money, put figures into computer, serve Alcohol, etc, I respect those who taught me, very highly.

Anyone can write a HIT song, you don't have to be a songwriting expert to do it.

I'm tired, I'm rambling on, Goodnight.

Hugs Michele

You tell 'em Michele.

Michelle,

That is not the purpose, it is asking what his opinions of "New Country" means. It is not the same to some people,and you have to underestand what other people understand to be able to provide them with the answer to their question, then answering the questions asked. And Jeffery is a friend of mine and has been MUCH tougher than most people can imagine. We have all been through it many times more.

From Harland Howard telling people to hit the road and "don't let the doorknob hit them in the butt on the way out" to publishers saying " I can't believe you would even bring that crap in here" it is a pretty rough game.

Actually the most thing you hear from anyone in the industry is "NO." The higher the level, the less feedback you get. At the end of this look at what I said:

"But the great thing about music is everyone has the ability to write what they want. be who they want to be and through the Internet get it into as many people's listening areas as they can."

I don't know what is discouraging about that. It is always about that you have the power to do what you want. You, as many writers out there are always asking "What does it take to get in?" Writing songs and participating in the way business is done is the what it takes. Writing with artists. Building relationships, are the ways. There is not another way.

But in order to cultivate those to begin with you have to understand the boundries. Now I could have said "Man that is great country music. I'll write it with you, do the demo and get it pitched. All it takes is cash." I didn't do that. I don't ever do that.

I answered the question that was asked, gave him surrounding issues (the inside cut) and an explination of why it is like it is.

I don't know what is discouraging about that.

MAB

Dave,

It is not that I "like" or "Dislike" anything. It is what is involved in breaking into the industry or getting your material one step farther down the line. The basic problem I have with the lyric you have posted is that the tone is from a negative perspective and that simply doesn't work, particularly for newer writers.

95% of what is cut is "up or midtempo" and positive in tone. The other 5% are exceptions and written by the artist or their inner circle. So the farther away you are from that point of view, the farther you are from attracting the kind of effective co-writers you are asking for as the subject of this thread.

Again, about 95% of the material that is written from newcomers that try to come to Nashville, New York and LA are negative based, around 75% are ballads and to tell the truth none of those recieve serious consideration from an industry that is almost entirely self contained. They write their own negative songs. They don't need it from the outside.

So it goes back to my initial post. Everyone has their own ability to get their music out through the Internet and other sources. But attracting interest is very hard to do with something that is in the same as so many other things that are failing.

MAB

Hi Marc

I don't say things to hurt you or have a go at you, cause that is not my nature. I am only going off what I read "Dave asked: was anyone interested in collaborating with him, that's what I got out of it, you got out of it, two words "New Country" I respect it, and I do get what your saying regarding the New Country, but that wasn't what Dave asked for. I'm currently talking to a professional songwriter, who is currently teaching me lots about songwriting, and believe me when I say this, I'm right at the bottom, but that doesn't matter, I'm networking, I'm co-writing, I'm singing, talking to the pro's who only have encouraged me, I'm doing lots, because I absolutely love doing it, love learning about it, and I'm having lots of fun.

I'll be back later, I need to think on this some more.

Hugs Michele

Hi Marc

Did you know that you have the Cutest smile, one day I'm gonna sit down with you, and have the biggest debate hah, LOL.

See you in Nashville, ONE DAY!

Oops, EDIT, I forgot, your shout. You better get this fiery Red head girl a Schooner, and I promise I will be MELLOW.

Hugs Michele

Hi Michelle! Thanks for bringing in the calvary! lol Geez, I didn't know two words were going to start all this. Maybe I should write a song about it. Anyways, I do appreciate the support. You're a sweetheart!

-Dave

Hi Marc! I was only joking about you disliking the chorus -- hence the winking jpf head. And, I can take the crits if they are given in a supportive manner. I respect all you have to say and am listening. It's obvious you are in a position to be able to look at a lyric and know what red flags jump up. Most of the songs I write are positive (like me), so turning this one around doesn't sound like a bad idea at all -- especially if that's what Nashville is looking for. So...I will do just that. Thanks!

-Dave

Hi Marc

I hope your still talking to this Aussie girl, we all have differences of opinions, and that's okay isn't it.

As to Dave's lyrics, I do understand what your saying, about the positive and the negatives, this girl just felt he didn't ask for that, that's all. Okay, was I being to harsh on you Marc, I hope not, cause I don't mean to be. I'm just a very sensitive person.

Hmm, I did get a great hook out of Dave's lyrics though, so I Pm'd it to Dave, maybe he can start it fresh.

Oh, and thanks for letting me read the story about Julie, a big congratulations to her hey, and I wish her all the success that comes her way.

Maybe I better shout you a beer, I think you need to come over to Australia, and relax hah.

Hugs Michele

Michelle,

You are fine as always. Remember what it is that I do. I sit around and watch songwriters go "Splat!" They are like birds that run into clear glass windows. They do it with songs that don't fit a format, songs that are not good enough because the writers don't look at anything past their living rooms, they are not cut out for a particular market, and these writers hit that wall all the time.

Then if you look at about half the forums on this and other web sites, they are about hiring some company, some pitch service, some way to get their music out. They usually spend a lot of money, a lot of times and get nothing because there is a world out there preying on dreamers.

Imagine if you were standing at a store on the edge of the Outback. And you saw a couple of guys about to walk into that place without packs, water, communications equipment. You would try to stop them because you would know that in all probability they are going to die. Or if one of your kids was trying to stick a fork in a light socket.

That is much of what I do. I try to say some things BEFORE people head off in a direction that is not going to be advisable.

You and I have talked about this before. It is on "tone" of songs. The negative stuff is a very hard sell past our own living rooms because people are so bombarded by it all the time. They are bombarded by it on television, they are bombarded by it in their lives. They are bombarded by it in every direction you can imagine.

So I try to mention that at times to help people see the "other side of the story." I am on these threads to find out what information people are looking for, and provide a certain point of view. It is not the only one, there are hundreds of them on these pages. Mine is from a specific viewpoint, of Nashville, but a LOT of writers end up coming through here in one way or another. Particularly when they talk about "New Country." This is where it is.

SO that is my purpose for doing this.

MAB

(Untitled) "Fall Again For You" seems the likely title. And that 'idea' could be, should be, worked into the lyric more. Here are some tweaks to try to do that.

V1

I'll keep you in a photograph
That's etched into my mind
I'll lose you in a video
Until you're gone each time
There's a gold ring on my mantle
Your key hangs on my wall
The clock insists it's 2 A.M.
I want to change it all

Ch1

I ain't about to get up 'an Fall Again For You
You missed me with the ashtrays
But the fact is that you threw
I ain't about to get up 'an Fall Again For You
There's a life out there with my name on it
I'm going to find it too
I ain't about to get up 'an Fall Again For You

V2
Do a syllable count of the lines in V1 and try to duplicate the number so the melody of V2 will match V1 identically, or nearly identically.

Remember, the content of V2 is to emphasize his temptation to get up out of bed and go seek to reconcile with the ashtray-throwing woman, which I think is wryly humorous (the video would have ashtrays still stuck in the wall). Keep it light, and lead back to repeat the chorus.

From there you either want a 3rd verse to complete the story, enabling a 3rd repeat of the chorus, or, depending on time, you may want a brief Bridge and final chorus.

The fact you hit your hook/title 3 times per giving of the chorus is strong. That line is kind of long but, without knowing the tempo and melody, that's hard to judge.

Keep exploring. If this song isn't your greatest hit that won't matter. Every song you write is a learning experience informing your sense of songwriting for the next one.