JPF Home Page Forums Week 53 MP3/Lyric Pick: "Oh Mama"

Hi Folks,

This week's pick by Harriet Schock for the Mentor Critique is Beth Williams "Oh Mama." She will be posting her critique on Thursday night, so starting now we'd like to get all of your critiques on this. Remember, lyrics/mp3's are not chosen on what is best or worst, but rather what will make for an interesting educational discussion of what was done well, what can be improved and basic building blocks for writing strong lyrics and songs. Please jump in and then once Harriet posts, see if you noticed the same points.

Thanks again to Harriet and everyone who has already participated. If you didn't get chosen (or didn't enter) and would still like a Professional Critique by Harriet Schock, or take a class in person or one of her on-line courses, please check her website at http://www.harrietschock.com.

For now, let's hear your thoughts on Beth's entry! Remember that Beth should not post a response until AFTER Harriet posts her critique.
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“Oh Mama!”
© 2009 Lyrics, Beth G. Williams, BMI

Barbara wore pearls
While Rosalyn did jeans
Hilary had suits
But Jackie reigned supreme

From pillbox hats
To glamorous gowns
When it came to fashion
She had it down

Sadly when lights dimmed in our Camelot
Somehow First Lady style just went to pot

Until Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
Haven’t seen such panache in a while
Strong and sleek
Your ensemble tres chic
Topped off with your dazzling smile

Pilates and crunches
And modern designers
Our First Lady, dang!
Could not be much finer

Barack ain’t complainin’, his wife is the best
Together they’ll conquer the world while well-dressed

Because Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
You captivate all with your charms
Remember that day
You blew us away
Exercising your right to bare arms?

Then came that world-wide televised scene
When your grace met Her Grace – you got a hug from the Queen!

That’s right Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
Shaping history's no news to you
Your hubby’s not white
You’re so pretty and bright
With your help we'll get our groove back too!

Hi Beth,

Just wanted to jot down some quick impressions...

I thought two verses and a build before the main theme was introduced was an interesting choice. Material wise, it reads like as "intro" and perhaps would be musically served best by a non repeating "intro" in the music as well, which comes to a full stop at "went to pot" and that would mean adding another verse on down the road, in the later parts of the song, otherwise you'd end up with just one real verse in the song!

I thought "Together they’ll conquer the world while well-dressed" was such a fun line, 'world conquering' notwithstanding, that I thought 'build 2' might make a good tag couplet in all your changing choruses.

Survey says...the weakest link is... "your hubby's not white"...I think that's a little too cute and sticks out to me as a line of dubious distinction.

Overall this is light and fun and needs little to be a nice song that I could see a woman known for humorous tunes handling, like a Christine Lavin, or perhaps a full-on comedienne like Kathy Griffin.

This is the kinda song that you perform it on "youtube" and CNN is making it "news"...

Mike

Hiya Beth:

I think this is clever and cute. And the timing is good too....

It feels pretty close to me. But, this IS the mentor forum where we are expected to be a little more critical (in the true sense of the word) so I'll try to put a magnifying glass on it.

One thing I really liked is the "bare arms" line. This is a very clever take off on the right to "bear arms". Ordinarily, I might criticize this because one can not hear a spelling difference and the mind would be tempted to go to the most common meaning of the phrase. However, this incident received enough play (sadly ) that I think folks will get it.

I also think the evolving chorus sings very well.

A few things I'm not sold on:

(1) In the first couple of verses, you are trying to sell us that first lady style took a nose dive after Jackie. However, pearls and suits aren't jumping out as being consistent with this. Maybe choose a different example than Mrs. Bush's pearls? As for the suit - if somehow "pant suit" could be worked in, I think it would be more effective. Not sure it's possible though.

(2) I agree with Mike on the "not white" line. It doesn't really work for me because it is saying something he isn't rather than something he is. Frankly, I'd leave race out of it all together though. It's not needed to make the point, imo.

So just a couple of lines. Overall, I really liked it and got quite a few smiles from it.

Scott

Hi, Beth!

I wasn't quite sure what the focus was on this piece. Until the first chorus,I thought it was about fashion. Then it jumped to a putdown of the other First Ladies. The chorus lets us know that the song is about our current First Lady. Then it veered off to physical fitness (I had to look up what Pilates was. Then the crunches made sense. I thought you were talking about "crunchies" because of the fashion slant. Then back to fashion. Then to International politics, back to physical fitness, back to international politics and then to race distinction.

On the technical side, there are some meter and line length irregularities in the verses that may cause some inconsistency in the verse melody for the composer. They probably aren't too bad, depending on the approach the composer takes. In poetry, there is a lot of room for variation but in writing lyrics it's sometimes better if it's a little more tightly written. However if the verses were spoken or chanted to a beat there would probably be no problem at all. On the other hand, who says the melody can't have variations. It would all depend on the composer.

Content:
This lyric could fit into a humor category. For those who are into fashion, this may sound like a cute song with clever lines. They may perceive this song as a light hearted tribute to our First Lady's fashion sense. She's got style! I think that is what is intended here.


However, it is possible that others may find the lyric offensive.

Here are some of the buttons that may be pushed:

1. Michelle. Obama is presented as a one dimensional character. What are her virtues? She's attractive, wears designer clothing and is married to a man of prominence. Although the word bright is mentioned it comes at the very end and is coupled with pretty. Sounds like the stereotype one would expect from an upper middle class or higher class "arrangement." Some listeners may view this as satire, especially people who have resented and worked against this kind of stereotype for years.

2. Jackie Kennedy Onassis is also presented as a one dimensional "fashion" figure.

3. Except Jackie, the other First Ladies are put down.

4. People who admire the First Lady as a person in her own right may wonder why the husband is brought into the picture.

5. You got a hug from the Queen. Wasn't a hug. (Cool that the Queen liked her though.) Nobody touches the Queen, except to shake her hand if extended for that purpose. Doesn't matter if the Queen touched her first. Some people liked that it happened - some didn't.

6. "Your hubby's not white." Whoa. The big "Race" button. "What's wrong with a white hubby?" Why not say black hubby instead of not white? Why bring up race at all?


I think you have a cute idea about the fashion and with some reworking it could be taken as that and no more. To do that, it may be a good idea to drop the pre-chorus Camelot/gone to pot idea and comparing her to Jackie. A description of what she wore on various occasions and how she presents herself should be enough. (Really, I don't think the song really needs a pre-chorus anyway.)

Good luck to you with this.

Beth,

This is different and fun. Enjoyed it. I think it reads well and you incorporate a lot of nice visuals for the listener.

Let me see if I can offer some useful thoughts. First, I was surprised this was a song about fashion, given the hook. It’s a nice hook, imo and catchy too. I wonder if you could use it more in the sense of making a mention somewhere in the lyric that Michelle Obama is a mom. The hook reads as an expression now, and I think it might be fun to use it literally at some point too. You could touch on that subject by incorporating how even as a busy mother, she manages to have “style.” Ya know? It gives us a bit more of her.

The third lines of the choruses “tell” rather than “show”…although I like them…perhaps you could add more to our “picture” of her with more supporting evidence right there.

The “bare arms” line is very clever.

I think this line: “Somehow First Lady style just went to pot”

…should rise to the level of the fashion chic you are describing. It doesn’t seem to “match” in style with the other two couplets.

Imo, the hook establishes the tone of the lyric as friendly and approachable and would be fun to sing!

Your creativity shows in fine form here.

Kristi

There is a lot of clever lines and ideas in this lyric. I especially liked the line: "Exercising your right to bare arms?" although I don't know why you phrase it as a question.

But Beth, please have some mercy on the vocalist! "Together they’ll conquer the WORLD WHILE WELL-dressed". Try singing that three times in a row! I think when one writes lyrics she has to go by the axiom: If doesn't roll off the tongue, it shouldn't roll onto the page. When I write I go back and forth from the page to the guitar/voice to see if I can actually sing it. I am constantly surprised at what does and doesn't work.

The last stanza or verse or whatever it is, seems a little in bad taste. "Your hubby is not white" introduces race when it isn't necessary. If this song was about the struggle for equal rights, it still probably wouldn't work but because it comes completely out of left field and has nothing to do with the thrust of the song, it is an easy call-don't use it.

I think you need to pick one of the several ideas you have going and concentrate on that. If it is about the comparison of Michelle with other first ladies, and if panache, fitness and strength is the standard, I guess Michelle wins; but if glamor is the standard, Jackie probably wins. And that is the problem you get in when you compare personalities-you take the aim off your subject. If you abandon comparison, then you have to concentrate on what Michelle uniquely is, which is plenty. Maybe Kristi is on the right track when she suggest you leverage the hook. "Momma" is a strong word. I think it could be your focus, but it too is loaded with racial connotation. But if you go there and abandon the comparisons, it probably feels like you are throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Welcome to the wonderful world of songwriter frustration!

Beth:

I think what you are trying to say here is that Michelle is a winner the likes of which we may not have seen in a First Lady since Jackie. I feel she represnets an aura of self-assurance, and her choice of style alone may not make her a fashion icon. But I believe her husband's mantra for change is what brought this about, not so much her style of dress.

We must remeber that one of, if not the first, First Lady to stand out in her own right was Eleanor Roosevelt, who was not considered a fashion icon.

Hi Beth,

Congrats on being put in the limelight. I know you'll hate all the attention but I'm sure you'll find a way to cope!

About the song, there are a lot of clever lines here but I think you're going to have to first decide what you want the song to be about, and then cut accordingly.

Is this a tribute song to Michelle Obama? If so, you spend the first 2 verses, valuable real estate, NOT talking about her.

Is this a song about the fashion of past & present first ladies? If so, you start out that way, but then zero in on just Michelle, her personality, style and husband for the last 2/3 of the song.

Are you making a political statement? You touch on it but only barely, so it would take a lot of re-write to succeed there, and then I think a lot of the charm would be lost.

It's going in too many directions so, pick one, and then make all those clever lines focus on the same target. Whichever way you go, you're a good writer so it's going to be killer!

Ricki

I'd agree that this seems unfocused. It's a novelty song tribute to the first lady, but it starts out as though it's all going to be fashion --the first two verses set that up.
Then it's on to pilates and buff arms and ... the Queen? It just seems to kind of fall all over itself fauning over her.

("Right to Bare Arms" was used so much at the time, it almost seems cliched. Still it works as a clever line here.)

I also can't quite hear what music this would go with. But as an idea, you might want to write this tribute to the music of another song. The choice could almost be the point, a la Weird Al.
Michelle by the Beatles comes to mind or maybe My Sharona by The Ramones. Ma ma Michelle Obama!

Hi Beth,
Your songs are always so much fun,and this one is no exception.I'm not a big fan of the Obama family(ooops...now everyone will hate me cuz I'm a darn republican...lol)but I think that the song is really cute.I can actually see it as a music video about the first lady...maybe even a hiphop type song done by queen latifah or rhiyanna.The only thing that I would consider tossing(and its just my opinion)is "your hubbys not white"just because I dont feel that race should ever figure into politics(but that's in a perfect world,right?).But anyway...i like this alot,and would love to hear it with music.good job as always,Beth.
Michelle

Hi Folks,

We'd love to have a little more feedback and participation before bring Harriet in. So if you find some free time this weekend, give us your thoughts!

Brian

HiDee & Congrats, Mz Beth...this IS a Fun Tribute to the Current White House "Mz O"..heh!

I'm fond of how you inserted Interesting English-French Words like "ensemble" and "panache"..which perks-it-up considerably!

The "right to bare arms" is also a Marvelous Bitta Punning!

I'd sug "Your hubby's HALF-white" to put things properly..& more PC-edly. I like the Upbeat Ending to this piece. No Idea "How Commercial" it is..but it's both Different and Attention-Getting.

And Very Cleverly-Penned..which is Your Trademark, of-course.

Hats-Off to one of my Favorite Writers here...& Good Luck with The Finished Product, M'LadyChum!
Big Hugs,
Stan

Hi Beth. I liked it and agree with most of the critiques. A couple of suggestions for the trouble spots. Consider using your lyricists license to go with "Hilary - pant suits""And Jackie reigned supreme."This becomes more accurate for Hilary and less of an unfavorable comparison by eliminating "but" - which has the connotation of making it a matter of constrast rather than just a statemnt of styles. I like all the prechoruses except the first which could be reworked into something more positive.
"Light shines brighter now in Camelot"
"First Lady Style just got a shot ...
"With Oh Mama etc.
This is a well-written lyric Beth. How commercial - who knows? Michael gave some good ideas about where you can go with it.

Hi Beth,

Some clever lines in this, but I don't think it has
a positive message.

Starting with the title--I don't believe
I've read anything on our First Lady that refers to her as
"Mama" and because of that, the title/hook doesn't work for me.

The "white husband" line is simply not a good idea.

I don't like your lines about the First Ladies' style going down hill after Jackie. I don't know if you're right or wrong about that, but to me, it's not an appropriate comment to make in a song and I don't think it would attract a singer.

The "Dang" line made me wince a bit and the "Groove" line at the end is clearly a reference to "Stella" and getting her groove back.

Your lyric made me think of the Peter, Paul and Mary song,
"I Dig Rock and Roll Music" which is a fun parody because you
realized when you heard the lyrics that they didn't dig rock and roll music at all!

To me, the problem with your lyric is that it could be perceived as a racial parody.

You're a very creative writer and I think this is an example of
your creativity. I haven't been around for a while and I'm glad I checked in and got a chance to read your lyric. Thanks
for sharing!

Diane

"Oh Mama!"
© 2009 Lyrics, Beth G. Williams, BMI

Barbara wore pearls
While Rosalyn did jeans
Hilary had suits
But Jackie reigned supreme

From pillbox hats
To glamorous gowns
When it came to fashion
She had it down

Sadly when lights dimmed in our Camelot
Somehow First Lady style just went to pot

Until Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
Haven't seen such panache in a while
Strong and sleek
Your ensemble tres chic
Topped off with your dazzling smile

Pilates and crunches
And modern designers
Our First Lady, dang!
Could not be much finer

Barack ain't complaininc, his wife is the best
Together they'll conquer the world while well-dressed

Because Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
You captivate all with your charms
Remember that day
You blew us away
Exercising your right to bare arms?

Then came that world-wide televised scene
When your grace met Her Grace – you got a hug from the Queen!

That's right Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
Shaping history's no news to you
Your hubby's not white
You're so pretty and bright
With your help we'll get our groove back too!


I chose this song because I can see it, with some rewrites, on Youtube doing very well and bringing a lot of attention to Beth as a writer, in a good way. Getting people's attention isn't always easy and I've found as a performer, that people love humor if it's actually funny. They love to have fun and feel good. That's why in a set, I generally have a song or two that is not only ironic but actually funny enough to make the audience laugh. I believe Beth has this here, but there are some things I think she could do to make it stronger...translation, funnier.

Many of the people who posted here have had suggestions that come from political correctness or "not bringing in race," etc. The real problem with a line like "Your hubby's not white" is that it's not funny. It's simply stating a fact. I can't for the life of me figure out why it's even in there. I felt, reading the last chorus, the way I did in the film, "Adaptation," like some other writer had come in and finished the film. Beth, did you write that last chorus? Or did someone sneak into your writing room while you were asleep? Anyway, that line breaks the cardinal rule of humor--it's simply not funny. In fact the entire last chorus is wasted real estate and you definitely need some place to put in some of the good ideas that have been suggested. I think this is a good place to put in Kristi McKeever's idea of bringing in Malia and Sasha. The idea could be that she's mama to us all now, not just Malia and Sasha, because the first lady is sort of like the mother to the country. But it could be done in a very humorous way tagging the last chorus with the title.

I don't agree with the poster who said she's comparing Jackie and Michelle. I think she's simply saying that fashion took a nosedive after Jackie. This could be illustrated on the Youtube video with comical pictures of first ladies in awkward poses taken to the extreme--not just a dress some of us might not have liked--but something outrageous like a candid shot that's really funny. There's got to be a bunch of these on the Internet. This way, you're not really attacking them, you're just using hyperbole to create humor. And by poking fun at both Hillary and Barbara, you can offend everyone the way good humor should. Look at Randy Newman. He takes no prisoners. That's the way it should be if it's going to work.

i think"You captivate all with your charms" is a weak line. It rhymes with "arms" but so do a lot of other things. And you could just remove the "while" in the line, "Together they'll conquer the world while well-dressed." A little pause where "while" is will communicate clearly and be easier to sing. I'm not sure "Barack ain't complainin'" is necessarily the best beginning to a line that ends "his wife is the best." I realize you need to bring him in for the second line to work, but it could be more like he knows she's an asset, he's no fool...something on the order of that IDEA, not any of those words. But "not complainin" is a bit of a red herring. Unless it's just an expression I'm not familiar with.

Of course, this song has a lot of back story which we all know--which is that Michelle Obama is a highly educated, competent, pretty amazing woman. So to have her be a fashion plate who's saving the country from going to pot in that particular area creates humor. If she were only a stick figure, it wouldn't be funny. So even though Eleanor Roosevelt was, I agree, the first first lady to stand on her own, this is about a 21st century woman whose depth goes down to China and we're talking about how she dresses. That's part of the reason this is funny. And to say "Oh Mama," in regard to her--now, let's admit it. That's funny.

Regarding the Queen incident, you could say "nearly got a hug," or "was that a hug" or something like that. Or just leave it as it is.

Basically, i believe if you can write comedy, you're ahead of the game in all songwriting. I started as a comedy song writer. When no one took me seriously, I started writing "serious" songs, but there's always a bit of irony in them. Now I write pretty much anything I want and I hope people don't take me too seriously anymore. I think comedy is a way of looking at the world that helps writers. Beth, you have a talent for this and in this song, I think some rewriting is absolutely necessary. But I wouldn't do half the things people suggested to you. I would do a minor rewrite (including the whole last chorus) and put still photos with it and post it on Youtube. When you do, please let me know.

Heya Beth,

Sorry I missed the discussion, no excuses, jus' celebrated Independence Day with 300 million friends and relatives, kinda lost track of time is all

Here's a picture of Eleanor:




And I can't wait to read about your out-of-body third chorus experience,

Randy

ps: I know the suggestion is sincere and wholesome, but I don't think you should include Malia and Sasha in your lyric (respectfully, playfully or otherly). Being that they're real children and all puts 'em off limits in my opinion.

Plus "Oh Mama!" has a sexy tone to it in the first two chorus', so why would it change jus' to make her children funny in the third, eh?

I can see Randy's point. You could try it without their names or just rewrite the last chorus somehow to make it the strongest one rather than the weakest. Any suggestions from outside your creative process will probably be inferior to what you could come up with. The point is to rewrite the last chorus.

I think I get that this could be funny and I agree that political correctness is not something a song needs to be concerned about (as long as it is funny as Harriet said). I love Newsman's song "Short People", but remember he created a metaphor when he used the term "short". It seemed to be attacking people of small stature, but in fact he was attacking people whose way of thinking is "short". He created a delicious built in defense of the song. If someone was offended, they dare not complain because that is of course what short people do! It was that kind cleverness that Newman crafted that makes us smile the tenth time we hear it as we did the first time we heard it.

In Beth's song my question is, how exactly would you do " ..a minor rewrite (including the whole last chorus)" and make this work?

You could substitute the soft rhyme "got lost" for "went to pot" in this part:

"Sadly when lights dimmed in our Camelot
Somehow First Lady style just went to pot"

unless of course you can find some truly hideous pictures of all the First lady's after Jackie and before Michelle to post on the video.

You could say, "First Momma, Michelle Obama" because it conjures up moxie- Momma in Chief, and it's a twist on "First Lady".

Hi Harriet !!

First of all, thank you so much for considering my lyric worthy of your critique. I know that choosing an “un-musicated” piece doesn’t necessarily bring the folks out of the woodwork, so I appreciate your patience on that count as well. Still, several JPF‘ers did take the time to share their insight with me, and I look forward to responding to those posters individually.

Before addressing your individual comments, I’d like to share some of my thoughts behind "Oh Mama!". Primarily, I wanted to pay homage to Mrs. Obama…and commend her for bringing a sense of class and style back to the White House. In many ways, I think she has helped revive the sentiment of the “Camelot” era -- hence the comparisons to Jacqueline Kennedy. Indeed I was setting up a “dramatic juxtaposition” to some of those First Ladies who came between them, and whom I feel were less notable in this regard. Jumping ahead a bit, yes, I was quite cognizant of selecting women from both sides of the aisle!

As the lyric evolved, my intention was to add more layers to this image of a “fashionista”. The mention of her much-ballyhooed interaction with the Queen served two purposes: on a personal level, it demonstrated how engaging Michelle is, but in a broader sense it was another nod to “back in the day”, when America was “embraced” by the international community. While we’ve generally been on good terms with Great Britain, I thought this was an effective literal and metaphorical “understatement“.

Finally, let me touch upon the controversial-at-best line: “Your hubby’s not white”. In this last chorus, I was adding one more layer to the story, using “Shaping history’s no news to you” as the pivotal phrase. Implicitly hearkening back to the Kennedy era and the gains made in civil rights during this time, the epitome of change that Michelle Obama represents is that she is the maiden African-American First Lady. Though not a particularly humorous observation on it‘s own, I thought perhaps it could be made to be so by recognizing it in a back-handed way, with “Your hubby’s not white”. I chose this because it kept the focus on HER while ironically casting the Leader of the Free World into a role of a “casual aside“. And that, I thought, was funny! By following it with the line “You’re so pretty and bright”, I was just tucking in the “hubby” line as part of the "Laundry List of Michelle Obama's Great Attributes. Thus, I wrapped the chorus up by suggesting the future looks bright -- on a variety of levels -- thanks to Michelle Obama.

As to the hook, “Oh Mama!”, my intent here was three-fold. On the first and most obvious level, Mrs. Obama can -- by extension -- be construed as the “First Mother”. Second, “Oh Mama!“ can be construed as a superficial comment, but it's one I equate with someone pleasantly surprised by the “wonder“ of a particular female. I think that aspect of the phrase is a fair assessment of my reaction to her, and one I wanted to incorporate. Finally, the expression also suggests a certain degree of excitement. And returning to that last line of the last chorus: “With your help we'll get our groove back too!”, I wanted to use it to re-emphasize the tone Mrs. Obama has helped to recreate in the White House. That is, let’s get excited about our future!!

SO having explained myself, did I successfully communicate all that? Apparently not as clearly as I would have hoped!! I feel somewhat like the Defendant, representing myself, about to give my rebuttal to the jury!! But, confident that I’ll be found innocent by reason of temporary insanity on a couple of points ( ), let me proceed…..

Right out of the shoot, thank you so much for your encouraging remarks about the “funny factor”. I do tend to lean towards that genre, so I welcome your kudos with open arms. I would never have even considered the idea of doctoring it up some to post it on Youtube, so for that nugget, thank you again (while acknowledging, of course, there is a lot of doo-doo on Youtube and we’re in agreement that this would fall into a more cerebral category!! ). I’m getting a chuckle already thinking about the plethora of pictures likely available for such a project!

Unfortunately, I’m not sure that my explanation about “Your hubby’s not white” satisfies your concerns about it. In fact, the whole debate is somewhat ironic, since I consider myself fairly apolitical. But neither that acknowledgment nor my afore-mentioned justifications negate the misgivings the line has raised across the board. Veering away from that angle, and focusing more on “Michelle as Mama” (i.e., including the First Daughters) is an interesting possibility, though one I’ll need to mull over carefully. In truth, I’m not entirely sure how I’d go about re-writing it, as I did feel it was a convincing pay-off, but it'll be a compelling challenge. I’m afraid I’m not familiar with the movie “Adaptation”, but I understand your reference.

I’ll also want to digest your thoughts on the other specific lines you pulled out: “You captivate all with your charms”, and “Barack ain’t complainin’” for instance. The removal of the word “while” is an easy one at the end. I am curious though about the “Queen scene” suggestion -- is there some question about whether or not it was an actual hug? I should research that…..

In the meantime, let me add my appreciation for your candor about your own writing. While I still not-so-secretly yearn to be the next CarolE King, I have mostly come to terms with the fact that I’m a humorist. I also continue to plug away at more “serious” lyrics, but they’re generally laced with sarcasm and/or sadness. Can’t pen a straight-forward love song if you paid me!! Well, scratch that -- if you PAID me I’d probably turn the TV off when I was trying to write…knock off the martini’s….and…JUST KIDDING!!!! .

In conclusion, Harriet, thank you again for your encouraging words and insightful comments on my lyric. You’ve given me a lot to think about -- regarding this piece in particular, and my work in general. I hope to wade thru and respond to the other posters’ comments over the next few days ( I’m up in Maine on vacation for two weeks!!). Together with your input, I‘ll need to let all of this feedback percolate a bit…and see what happens from there!!

When all is said and done, though, I'll most definitely be in touch.

Thank you again....

Beth

Beth, it's cool that you yearn to be the next Carol King, in the meantime, I'd like to share the work of someone who's always reminded me of you: Slaon Wainwright <-- click here to check her out.

Carole King spells her name with an "e" on the end, by the way you all. And I can't resist reporting that I was horrified to find a 50-year-old man at a 4th of July party who didn't know who she was. I just kept saying, "Tapestry was the biggest selling album of all times until Thrille and you've never heard of Carole King"??? And he wasn't just out of the monastery or anything!

Thanks for your response, Beth. I really appreciate it. Have a great vacation.

Sloan is a nominee in the music awards this year Randy! = )

Hey there Mike,

Well, it appears you win the door-prize!! Have you been having secret conferences with Harriet???

That aside, I want to thank you for your very comprehensive critique. Though I will say, by now I expect nothing less from you -- you always take great care to give constructive criticism in your responses.

In this particular case, you've given me a lot to think about. Your point about the non-repeating intro for the music is well-taken (though an Official Musicator still eludes me !!) and I'll have to look more carefully at your suggestions about the tag couplets.

I did try my best to address the "hubby's not white" line in my response to Harriet. Clearly though, it's one that still needs to be addressed.

So again, I appreciate your encouraging words Mike. I promise that when I become famous (or infamous, as the case may be ), I'll be sure to note you were the first to suggest the Youtube route!!

Thanks, and have a great afternoon!

Cheers,
Beth

Hey Scooter,

How ya doin'? Thought I'd try to sneak in a few posts before we float away up here (RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN......... )...

Anyway, thank you so much for your feedback. I'm happy you feel the song is essentially half-full, not half-empty.

Still, I want to address your crits. First, regarding the dramatic juxtaposition I was trying to establish between Jackie and Michelle vs. Babs and Hillary: I LOVE the idea about using "pantsuits" (though not sure how I could work it in just yet)!! Still, I guess what I was trying to get across was that B & H's fashion sense was safe/traditional/BORING. Whereas J & M were/are more on the cutting edge. Instead of the expected "uniform", Michelle wore a sleeveless number for the Official Portrait -- how brazen and awesome! Perhaps that didn't come across as well as I had supposed, though. Hmmmmm....

As for the "hubby is white" business....again, I did respond to that in my "rebuttal" to Harriet. But as I mentioned to Mike, so many of you had an issue with it, I'm going to have to reconsider how I want to incorporate that information, if at all. Like I said to Harriet, Michelle's ethnicity is, on a certain level, "fashion-forward" for the First Lady....so....I'm not sure I WANT to disregard it... It seems I'll need to find a way to make it FUNNY somehow...

Anyhoo, Scott, thank you for taking the time to take a peek at this one and share your insights with me. I know some musicators might be disinclined to critique a lyric-only piece, so your feedback is especially appreciated.

Have a groovy afternoon!!

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hey Jean!

Wow! I sure appreciate all the time and energy you put into your comments here!

ANYHOO, hopefully between Harriet's critique, my response, and some of the other posts, you have a better sense about the "focus" of the song.

On the technical side of the street...I'm not quite sure what irregularities you're referring to...but I'm comfortable that any savvy musicator could work with it. I think at last count, there are 8 JPF'ers who are interested in doing so -- they just haven't quite realized it yet ( )!

So, let's see about your "hot buttons"....

1) Mrs. Obama depicted as one-dimensional character: yup, that's right. But we all know she's much more than that, hence the irony.

2) Jackie, same deal: hmmm, agree/disagree here. While certainly she's introduced in terms of fashion, I believe anyone who cared enough to be upset by this would know that Camelot was about much more than fashion....

3) Other First Ladies Put Down: Yeah, I'll probably soften that a bit...but still want to demonstrate the "difference" between the Babs/Hillarys and the Jackie/Michelles of First Lady-dom.

4) Inclusion of Barack: well gee, he IS the Prez and he's also a part of what make her the woman she is. Plus, as I mentioned to Harriet, I did introduce him just as sort of an aside, and in relation to her....

5) The Queen Hug business: Harriet brought this seeming semantic question up to me as well, so I finally went straight to the source -- the photograhic evidence! As that (and some blurbs written about it below) indicate, it appears that "sharing a hug" is a more fitting description of the event.

=

Looks like the Queen of England really warmed up to First Lady Michelle Obama.

Michelle Obama and Queen Elizabeth actually hugged! And -- according to the Daily Mail -- the Queen made the first move!

Well, it wasn't a big old bear hug or a back-slapping bro hug. It wasn't a makeout session, except perhaps politically.

The embrace was a veddy-polite-mutual-arm-draped-lightly-around-the-waist and arm-around-shoulders gesture.

6. "Your hubby's not white" line: I think I've addressed this pretty well in my earlier responses, but more specifically, to your question about "why not just say black?", it was simply for the sake of the rhyme! "White" rhymes with "bright"!!

PHEW, I think that covers everything -- is it still Wednesday? (ha ha ha ).... Seriously, Jean, thank you so much for your comprehensive feedback, and ultimately your vote of confidence.

Have a good evening,
Beth

Hi Kristi,

Looks like you're up girlie! First off, thanks first for all the nice comments. I know I can always count on you to put a positive spin on things (and just in case you forgot any of them, strictly for your benefit of course, I've quoted a couple above !!).

Additionally, I appreciate your constructive criticism. Harriet seems to have tapped into your idea, too, of upping the MOM ante...so necessarily, I'll be thinking about that. Given that so much of it IS about fashion/style, though, I'm not sure that I want to change the focus of the piece; it just might be, as you suggest, a matter of adding that last layer, and bringing home the very literal notion of Mrs. Obama being a MOTHER!

Glad you liked the "bare arms" line (you know me, always looking for the "clever" angle!), and I'm with you on the "gone to pot" line. I'm definitely going to clean that up.

As for the third lines in the choruses, I understand what you're saying. It's almost like I'm commenting on my comments! I'll consider that in my revised version too -- but I can't promise I'm going to lose the word panache!!

SO, I think my biggest challenge as far as you're concerned is working the Mom angle a bit more, huh? I'm still in the process of trying to respond to everyone....then I'll mull it all over...and see if I can tweak this in such a way that I've addressed the various issues while remaining true to spirit of the lyric.

Again, thanks so much for your as-always helpful feedback, Kristi. You're a welcome respondent on Mentor!!

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hey Sam,

Wow, everyone has been so generous with his/her feedback! And it looks like you've come back for a second visit later, too. Do you mind if I just respond to this one first, so I can keep myself on track?

Anyhoo, thank you so much for both your kind and insightful suggestions...Let me see if I can address 'em as you brought them up...

Thanks on the "arms" line....and fyi, the reason there's a question mark at the end is because a question starts two lines earlier...."Remember that day...."

And I totally hear you on the tongue-twister-ish-ness ( ) on that last line! As suggested by Harriet, I'm just going to bag the word "while"....Your axiom is a fine one to work with -- unless you are a chatterbox like me and I'll fit ANYTHING into a sentence! BUT, I've actually learned a lot (believe it or not) in this regard factor, along with a more efficient use of meter, so mea culpa.

I think I've talked about "your hubby's not white" a bit already, so I won't belabor that point...but your question of focus was brought up earlier too. I think part of the difficulty some might be having is that I've tried to create almost an EVOLVING focus...does that make sense? Starting with fashion, and then adding more and more and more to what makes up Michelle Obama.

I do like your point about the problem with introducing comparisons of personalities: someone is bound to come out looking better than someone else. In this case, though, I think Michelle and Jackie still come out on top, relatively speaking. At any rate, I'll certainly take all of this into consideration as I proceed to The Re-Write.

A popular suggestion, "Michelle as Mother" will also be in the forefront of my mind...I just have to figure out why that's FUNNY! I mean, it's not a knee-slapper or anything, but the lyric is intended to evoke at least a chortle !

So I guess I'll be responding to you again a little later. Not sure when that'll be...but in the meantime, let me thank you once more for all your helpful comments thus far.

Have a good evening!!
Beth

Oh hell,I have missed this whole thing.

so now I come in late as usual with....uh....nothing much.

Beth,

I like alot of works from you but I really do not like "timely" songs,they bug me and always feel like novelty.

This is not negative per se,just an opinion and I should leave it at that.Because of said opinion,I could not really help here.

Mac.

Hey there!

I think you have come very close to re-stating what I had hoped to convey with this lyric....so for that...and taking the time to say so, THANK YOU. While I don't dispute her hubby's role in her rise, that's where the humor lies, in my mind. We KNOW she's much more than a smart mannequin...so just by bringing Barack along for the ride, lyricially speaking, it creates an unexpected "pecking order".

As for Eleanor Roosevelt, for the purposes of this song, I'd be comparing apples to oranges. PLUS I do want to keep it mostly contemporary. But I certainly appreciate your remarks about her...and I believe Randy has been kind enough to offer us a photo of that magnificent woman.

SO, thank you again for your feedback. It's very helpful, and will certainly play into the lyrical mix as I proceed.

Have a good night!
Beth

Hiya Ricki,

Well thanks....and yes, I'm managing as best I can !!

That aside, I appreciate you taking a gander at this and helping out with your feedback. It does seem like the FOCUS issue has been a bugaboo...but it's hard for me to know if that's still the case....given Harriet's response, my "rebuttal", and the other posts I've made since you posted.

As I've said, my intent was to create a humorous homage to Michelle Obama, by building upon the fact that she has brought class and style and strength back to the First Lady-ship. I suppose it could be perceived as a political statement, if you're not a fan of the Obama's, but as Harriet pointed out, I did "mock by comparison" former First Ladies from both political parties.

Nevertheless, I'm going to take your advice and make sure "all those clever lines focus on the same target" (thank you!). Hopefully, when all is said and done, your prediction will come true...and the lyric will be "killer!"

Again, thanks a bundle Ricki. Your insight and encouragement mean a lot to me....

Have a good afternoon....I'm off to the beach for a while!!

See ya!
Beth

Hey Joyboy,

Thanks for your thoughts on the focus issue. I'm certainly getting a lot of good feedback in that department!

Your idea about the music cracked me up -- spoofing "My Sharon"! How funny would that be?!

Still, I think the question of which direction to go musically might ultimately depend on where the lyric ends up. So I appreciate your input. STAY TUNED!!!

Have a good evening....

Beth

Hey Michelle,

I'm telling ya, I'm going to have to consider putting you on my life insurance policy or something -- you are always so generous with your feedback!!

I think I've mostly addressed your questions/comments in earlier posts....but I had yet to encounter such a brazen Republican!! But no worries!! This is completely a bi-partisan lyric!!

Anyhoo, thanks so much for your encouraging visit.

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hey there Stanerooski!

Thank you, kind Sir, for your insightful ( ) and boisterous feedback!!

I especially appreciate your comments because I know you don't pull any punches -- you calls 'em like you sees 'em. So if you're pleased with this lyric, I'm good.

"Your hubby's HALF-white" might be an interesting way to make things technically pc...but I think I've thrown caution to the wind on the rest of the lyric....so we'll see!

In the meantime, glad you liked "panache" and "ensemble"....a little something for La Femme, perhaps ....

As for commercial viability? Who knows???? But the night is young!

Thanks again for everything and have a groovy evening....

Gentle hugs back atcha,
Jackie

Hey Summeoyo,

How are you on this finally-fine summer's eve? Currently I'm listening to the waves lapping the seashore about 200 feet away from our beachhouse window -- AHHHHHHH! And it is from this tranquil position that I'd like to thank you for your very reasonable and encouraging feedback here on my lyric.

I appreciate you phrasing your nits so carefully -- and I think they all make good sense. I agree, "but" is a small but pivotal word, and perhaps "cheering up" that first pre-chorus would help put more of a positive spin on that section.

As I've said in previous posts, I think the commercial viability of the song will depend on how well I'm able to pull off the Final Version(s). So keep your eyes and ears open...

Thank you again for your input.

Take care,
Beth

Hey Diane,

Thank you for all of your thoughts on "Oh Mama!" I surely have stirred the pot on this one, huh?

Anyhoo, I think I've already addressed the bulk of your concerns, so let me just say I'll be mindful of all of them as I proceed on the re-write.

Most importantly, thank you for the vote of confidence on my writing in general -- at the end of the day, it's comments like yours which give me the incentive to keep at this crazy songwriting!!

Have a sunny day,
Beth

Hey Randy,

Thanks a lot for the visit -- and the groovy picture of Eleanor. Fashion comments aside, she certainly was a wonderful woman.

And hey, as far as jumping into the discussion mid-stream here, no prob. This is definitely an on-going process, and all comments are being considered.

I will say though my initial inclination is to steer clear of Malia and Sasha. As you state, the current tone isn't very conducive to including them.

Thanks again and I appreciate your remarks!

Ciao for now,
Beth

P.S.
Wow, Randy, I'm quite flattered. I WISH I had that much "goin' on"!

P.P.S. Did you hear Joe Cupo talking about us the other night?

Hi again Sam,

I made it!! The last comment -- yee haw!!

ANYWAY, I'm so glad that my final response is from someone who was interested enough to follow along in the discussion and come back to address Harriet's and my remarks.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here, as far as HOW I'm going to go about this "tweakage". You've provided some good suggestions to temper some of the concerns, but that last chorus is going to be tricky.

Hopefully I'll be up to the challenge, and I can dash this off to Mrs. Obama when I'm all set with it! In truth, a very good family friend is Obama's Official Private Nurse, and I COULD get this to her w/o any problem. NOT sure that's the way to go though...at least until I have the lyrics just where I want them, and some groovy music to go with it.

In the meantime, Sam, I truly appreciate your re-visit and your additional comments. And how did you know that I ADORE the word "MOXIE"?!

Have a great day!

Beth

Hi Everybody,

I just want to take this final opportunity to thank everyone for their encouraging comments and constructive feedback on "Oh Mama!". This lyric is very different from anything I've ever written, and though I intended it to be a straightforward humorous homage, it seems I opened up a Pandora's box of sorts. Quite an education!

An extra special thanks to Harriet, who continues -- along with Pat -- to keep this Mentor program afloat. I was pleasantly surprised when she selected my entry, and I feel I've learned a great deal from both her remarks and from the JPF group as a whole.

I look forward to taking into consideration everyones' feedback -- and polishing up this lyric 'til it shines.

When that time comes, I'll be happy to field any and all offers for musication!!

Thanks again, and have a great Saturday!

Beth

Lots of great comments here, I take the point of The Three Double U's. ( World While Well Dressed) and a look at Pat Pattisons Vowel Triangle written under "Beauty and The Beast, "would be handy Beth.

You write lovely lyrics, but some more consideration to the vocalist would not go amiss.

(Get Our Groove back) is a bit lop side and dated.



Nice Work, certainly worth sticking with.

I put this program on Hiatus until after the awards when we can restructure and recharge the batteries.

Thanks to all those who participated and to Harriet for the Critique.

We'll see you all again this fall when we return from the UK tour after the awards show!

Brian