JPF Home Page Forums Post Week 52 & 53 (May 26th) Entries Here

Hi Folks,

We are starting the Week 52 & 53 process for the Mentor Critique. We welcome anyone to post a lyric or a lyric/with an mp3 link for consideration. This week, Pat Luboff, a very talented and professional music educator, as well as writer of several hit songs and co-writer (along with husband Pete) of some of the best selling music education books on the market, is our volunteer Mentor. She will pick an entry for which she will provide a public critique. She is not looking for the "Best" or "Worst" entry, but rather the one that will serve the learning process the best. Once she chooses, we will post that choice and open it up for member critiques. This is an important stage as it helps you learn how to critically look at lyrics and song structure for later comparision to Pat's points. After we've had critiques by members, we'll post Pat's critique and have further discussion.

The schedule is:

Tuesda through Friday Night: Lyric and Lyric/MP3 link entries.
Saturday through Tuesday Morning: Open Member Critique
Tuesday Night: We Post Pat's Critique
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and beyond: We have open discussion.

This is all about learning. Don't post a lyric or mp3 file that you aren't open to criticism and aren't willing to change. If you would rather have a private Critique by Pat, visit her site at http://www.writesongs.com/. I suggest, if you haven't participated before, that you read one from a previous week to get up to speed on how it all works. Good luck and get involved!

We will be accepting entries until approximately 7:00 PM on Friday.

So post your Week 52 Entries below!

Decided to be brave.
Geneva


Fairest "Fair Maiden Story"


Verse 1
A sea fairing wanderer found his fair maiden story,
Walking barefoot in the waves as the tide went out,
She washed up in the surf, half buried in the sand,
Fairest natural wonder, rarest iridescent skin..

Chorus
She was the fairest "fair maiden story" ever told,
Came out of her shell, gates of heaven unfold,
She was surely quality, a luster so rare,
Polynesian pearl that he found there,
Never need polish, must belong to royalty,
He loved his glowing bead of the sea.

Verse 2
He walked into the ocean to wash the sand,
From this gift of nature that he found,
But lost his fair maiden, in a moment she was gone,
Washed back to the depths, and he was left alone..

Chorus
She was the fairest "fair maiden story" ever told,
Came out of her shell, gates of heaven unfold,
She was surely quality, a luster so rare,
Polynesian pearl that he found there,
Never need polish, must belong to royalty,
He loved his glowing bead of the sea.

Bridge
He love her innocence and purity,
When he put her to his lips, and kissed this, delicacy,
He dropped his perfect opulent gemstone,
Tide caught her, took her back, to the depths where she was born.

Chorus
She was the fairest "fair maiden story" ever told,
Came out of her shell, gates of heaven unfold,
She was surely quality, a luster so rare,
Polynesian pearl that he found there,
Never need polish, must belong to royalty,
He loved his glowing bead of the sea.

This one is brand-dandy new from Wyman and me. Do the lyrics tell a vivid, memorable story and does the music bring it home? It's a guitar/vocal at this point but any ideas of what would help round it out in the future are welcome. Thanks,

Ricki

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7639140

DANCE A WILD ROLLAREE
©Wyman Griffith and Ricki E. Bellos

Stormy night in the woodland
We know we're out of our minds
We leave the world behind us
Slip back to another time
Small branches are falling
A black sky boils above
Hand in hand through the tree tops
Rise with the ecstasy of love

The trees dance
to the rhythm of the wind
A wild, abandoned rollaree
To all there’s a time
This is yours and mine
Dance a wild.....rollaree with me

Give in to the temptation
Play this night for all it's worth
Entwined with Aphrodite
Dare the storm to do its worst
There’s calm after the frenzy
Return to earth and begin
To await an enchanted evening
So we can live it all again

CHORUS

Whirling with the Goddess of Love And Desire
Circle on circle, higher and higher

CHORUS

Dancing on Dangerous Ground (lyric only)
(03/11/03)

(V)
It’s him, he’s lost the excitement.
For her he no longer yearns.
He’s now cold-hearted and distant.
So she treats him the same in return.
The one she’s with now understands her.
She sees him when he’s not around.
Their secret is safe at the moment
but she’s dancing on dangerous ground.

(V)
It’s her she’s lost fascination.
Her passion no longer burns.
She keeps herself secret and hidden.
His snuggles she no longer returns.
The one that he’s with understands him.
He sees her when she’s not around.
Their secret is safe at the moment
but he’s dancing on dangerous ground.

(Chorus)
Neither one sees the ramifications,
or both have turned a blind eye.
To the truth that now lays before them.
How much longer can they live this lie?
They both pay no heed to vows spoken.
Words that should honor and bound.
Many a heart will be broken
while they’re dancing on dangerous ground.

(V)
Do they even now think of their children?
Oh! Deep down inside they still do.
But they’re so caught up, both feel broken.
Their pieces too many to glue.
The ones that they’re with understands them,
they listen and not make a sound.
All secrets are safe at the moment
but they’re dancing on dangerous ground. (Chorus)

(Tag)
Many a heart will be broken.
Many a life will be drowned.
Too many it seems at the moment
are dancing on dangerous ground.

Copyright © 2009 by Douglas Murphy

I Wish You Enough
© May 28, 2009

Life sometimes gets cluttered up
Like an attic piled with junk
Things we need the most..that we should hold close
Lost inside the days that turn to months

Been watching for a few years now
You make mistakes I made myself
Happy when you buy..not from need, but pride
Then finding out an emptiness still dwells

I wish you enough
To satisfy you're strongest hopes and dreams
I wish you enough
To have a little left for in betweens
And any time you cry
I hope it's 'cause you have survived
Those ups and downs when life starts feeling tough
But most of all what I wish you enough
Is love...juuuuusssst love

Never want for too much
Not when too much is just stuff
Never lack for friendship
Best thing we can get or give

I wish you enough
To satisfy you're strongest hopes and dreams
I wish you enough
To have a little left for in betweens
And any time you cry
I hope it's 'cause you have survived
Those ups and downs when life starts feeling tough
But most of all what I wish you enough
Is love...juuuuusssst love
Yeah, most of all what I wish you enough
Is love...juuuuusssst love

You broke a song out of me
By Samuel Joseph Harris May 2009

Got home this evening, read your letter and then
Poured some coffee, grabbed a paper and pen
I tried to write but the ink was dry
Picked up my Gibson and I tried not to cry
I sang my heart out as if it would help
Pretend I’m singing ‘bout somebody else
But songs like this one doesn't come for free
you broke a song out of me

You broke a song out of me
And as I crumble like clay
I sang some words nobody heard
I guess it's better that way
No Hallelujah and no Amen
Just a lonely and sad lament
I sing as I weep
Rock myself to sleep
You broke a song out of me

I took you for granted for too long I guess
Now I don’t even know your address
I can’t get used to you not being around
Breaking up with you is breaking me down
And all pieces that I try to find
Are in the rubble you left behind
Songs like this one doesn’t come for free
You broke a song out of me

You broke a song out of me
And as I crumble like clay
I sang some words nobody heard
I think it's better that way
All I have left is a melody
Playing sad in a minor key
I sing as I weep
Rock myself to sleep
You broke a song out of me

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7653521

Amaryllis
© February 21, 2009

Autumn's pink Dahlias
Jasmine in the wintertime
Spring filled with Amaryllis
Perfume-scented lies
Met her at the edge
Of loneliness one day
Shared sultry summer kisses
Floated me away

Amaryllis, with double-dare you eyes
Amaryllis, as hot as mid July
Wild and free a fantasy
Mysterious as night
Her smile betrays a netherworld inside

A mountain passage
To a brook of flowing wine
Rainbows of faded colors
Everywhere in sight
She took me by the hand
And led me to her place
A slice of shaded Heaven
Where no one's ever saved

Amaryllis, with double-dare you eyes
Amaryllis, as hot as mid July
Wild and free a fantasy
Mysterious as night
Her smile betrays a netherworld inside

Half awake but in a dream
No redemption or relief
Lucifer has been set free
As Amaryllis comes again for me

Amaryllis, with double-dare you eyes
Amaryllis, as hot as mid July
Wild and free a fantasy
Mysterious as night
Her smile betrays a netherworld inside

HiDee Pat & Evabody... This Lyric's about an hour old...Inspired by a Header at Jimmy Buffett's site that read "Cut out the mumbo-jumbo on ticket sales". I was in a Paul Simon-y Mood at the time of reading...so here's what trickled-out:

(CHORUS)
Cut Out The MUMBO-JUMBO
I Want a Love that LIVES
Quit Turnin' My Heart to GUMBO
This MUMBO-JUMBO'S GOT-To-GIVE..

Cut Out The MUMBO-JUMBO
I Want a Love That SOARS
Like a "Magic-Feather" for DUMBO (Honey)
YOU Got To GIVE Me, YOU Got To LIVE Me,
YOU Got To GIVE ME MORE--

(VERSE)
I'm Tired of This Confusion
You're Rupturing My Soul
Creating These Illusions while
Maintaining-Your-Control...

Your Lips Both Say You-Love-Me
As My Ears have Often-Heard
But Then, Sometimes, You Dump Me
(Yeah) Without a SINGLE Word! (So)..

(REPEAT CHORUS)

I'm Glad When We're Together
I'm Lonely When We're Not
It HURTS When You Don't Show Up
& Y'Tell Me "You Forgot"...

Are You Scared of Commitment?
I'm Patient (Take Your Time!)
But PLEASE Adjust Your Actions
'Cause You're Messin'-UP My Mind!--

(REPEAT CHORUS)

(SOLO)

We'd Make The Perfect Couple
If Both Of Us Would Change:
If MY HEART Wasn't Easily-Crumpled
& If YOU'd STOP Actin'-Strange..

I've Never Kept YOU Guessin'
What MY Intentions Were
You'll Never Catch ME Messin'
Round & MY Motives are Pure...(So)...

(CHORUS)
Cut Out The MUMBO-JUMBO
I Want a Love That LIVES
Quit Making My World TUMBLE
This MUMBO-JUMBO's GOT-To-GIVE

Cut Out The MUMBO-JUMBO
I Want a Love That SOARS
Hand a "Magic-Feather" To DUMBO, (Honey)
You Got To Give Me, You OUGHT To Give Me,
You Got To GIVE ME MORE....

(TAG)
You GOT To GIVE ME, You OUGHT To GIVE ME,
You Got To GIVE ME MORE....

{ELEPHANT TRUMPET S.E....Repeat TAG/FADED OUT}

(C) 2009 by Stan Good, BMI
All Rights Reserved.

I was wondering if this if this weeks entry deadline was already closed at midnite last night?

Michelle,

Participation is so low we may have to cancel the program. We usually don't move forward without at least 10 people participating. It's not fair to the mentors to spend the time if so few are interested. So I was hoping that folks would keep entering but it appears that the program needs a time out again.

I'll give it a few more days but if this is all the interest we have then we'll probably just take a break from the program.

Thanks to those who have posted something.

Brian

Hi Brian,

I sure hope we don't lose this opportunity for our songs to be considered for critique by the mentors. I understand what a gift they are giving us in their time to do this.

I know that it sounds impossible, lol, but I kept looking for the post where we could put the current submissions, and I was always watching "What's Going On" till I saw it. I realize now, that due to not much activity, that is not the best place to find it. Is there a way it can be kept at the top of the list so so that it is kept visible as to where we can post the new weeks entries, just to try to keep it going?

If you make the decision to let the thread go, I would understand why, but I would be sorry to see us lose that great opportunity.

Here is a fun one from me:

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7363442

Hardware Store
©2009 Letha Allen/music lpone

Well I found him down at the hardware store
Said ma’m can I help you find what you lookin for
Led me down the isle, then he checked me out
Can’t believe what I found at the hardware store

At the hardware store
You can find anything that you need
From the hardware store

Yea he sold me flowers for me brand new deck
And he sold me the fixtures showed me how to affix
And he sold me on meeting him after his shift
Nobodys ever sold me like that hardware man did

At the hardware store
You can find anything that you need
From the hardware store

Lead


At the hardware store
At the hardware store you can find anything
The hardware store

Hardware store
At the hardware store

At the hardware store

From that hardware man
At the hardware store


Hardware store

Hardware store man

Hardware store

Hardware store man

One more question Brian...

I am assuming that each of us can only post one song for consideration. Is that correct?

Thanks alot,

Letha

Hi,Here is one that I would like you to consider.I recently had posted it on the MP3 feedback forum:Heather Cowles Morris/Vocals




http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=946202&content=songinfo&songID=7644346



If He Was Worth Your Tears (C)2009 by:Michelle K.Chapman


Vs

Why am i still wanting you
i do,but i'm not wanting to
please take the heart you hold and set it free
why do i still need you so?
but i do,and i cant let it go
i cant believe you've got that much of me

chorus

they tell me,please dont shed any tears
i know its hard,but i hope that you will try
they tell me this,if he was worth your tears
then girl,he would have never made you cry

vs

yeah,im still trying to
trying to let go of you
and i know its gonna take me quite awhile
but i know that i'm needing to
and someday,i will be over you
and then one day soon i'm gonna smile

chorus

they tell me,please dont shed any tears
i know its hard but i hope that you will try
they tell me this,if he was worth your tears
then girl,he would have never made you cry



bridge

so i've been doing a little thinking
and i'm thinking that their right
i'm gonna move on with my life....
the crying stops tonite


chorus
cuz girls,please dont shed any tears
i know its hard,but believe me, you will get by
I learned that, if he was worth my tears
then ,he would have never made me cry

tag

yeah the ones ,the ones that are worth your tears
are the ones,the ones that will never make you cry

Yes, one song at a time. Otherwise we'd have people posting 20...

The idea is to get MORE PEOPLE.. not more songs/lyrics, involved. The mentor is only one small part fo this learning experience. The feedback and discussion about how your critique matches or disagrees with the mentors is quite valuable if used properly. For a long time we had great success and then it tailed off and we stopped for a while. Then we came back 2 times a month instead of weekly and that worked a while.. but now even that seems to be too much. Perhaps we should drop back to 1 time per month. Or just take the summer off.

Brian

Thanks for your quick answers to my comment and question Brian. Yes, you are right, I think summer is going to slow down some of the activity in the forum. I find myself getting out into that sunshine more, which takes me out of the forum more,and in place of working as much on songs, I find that I am enjoying playing out live with other musicians at get togethers.

I guess that is a good thing, to enjoy the beautiful weather. It is a hard decision for you, but I am sure whatever you decide will be the right one,

Letha

Hmmm, Well, I forgot , can I post a lyric when a co writer has already posted a song?
Wy

Turned Around-Caro/DelGaudio
www.substudiomusic.com/TurnedAround.mp3

I don't believe this is happening again
There's a fate between us
With a history that leads to who knows where
I never know what's in store
Spinning like revolving doors
Trying to keep myself from getting lost

I get turned around
I get turned around,I get turned around
The whole things going in a way that is wasn't going yesterday
It's gotten to the point where nothings lost or gained
Just turned around

Our situation has put me on a fence
Which way I'm leaning,how you avoid your feelings
Doesn't make much sense
Made a play without rehearsal
Strong words can be so hurtful
Never seem to get my point across

I get turned around
I get turned around
The whole things going in a way that is wasn't going yesterday
It's gotten to the point where nothings lost or gained
Just turned around

I haven't been sleeping (lie awake and)
And maybe it's time to move on
I'm beginning to weaken (lose my faith in)
Wish I could be that strong........

The whole things going in a way that is wasn't going yesterday
It's gotten to the point where nothings lost or gained
Just turned around

Made a play without rehearsal
Wrong words can be so hurtful
Turned around

Produced & Recorded Caro/DelGaudio
Dennis Del - Vocal1,Guitar,Keyboard
Mike Caro - Vocal2,Bass,Mandolin,Keyboard Fiddle.Percussion

Boo said it was all right <G>
I went back a ways and got this one.
I don't think I ever tweaked it too much so hopefully it won't get picked <G> I don't think I ever posted it

Dancing Up A Moonbeam c Wyman Griffith

V 1
Purple shadows falling on the water
As I dream of holding you again
Through the mist I see you coming
Then our bodies, and our spirits blend

As we go

C
Dancing up a moonbeam to the sky
You in a gown of stardust
Forever in your eyes
Don't even wanta' question how or why
We're just
Dancing up a moonbeam to the sky

V 2
Forbidden fruit only tastes the sweeter
And how many times will we be young
True love's not concerned with ages
It counts two hearts that beat as one

As we go

C
Dancing up a moonbeam to the sky
You in a gown of stardust
Forever in your eyes
Don't even wanta' question how or why
We're just
Dancing up a moonbeam to the sky

V 3
In dreamland everything is different
Passion fruit hangs from the Milky Way
Ripe and ready for the picking
Oh how I wish that we could stay

B
Some day we'll float away beyond the starry skies
Then we can be together every night

And we'll be

C
Dancing up a moonbeam to the sky
You in a gown of stardust
Forever in your eyes
Don't even wanta' question how or why
We're just
Dancing up a moonbeam to the sky

Here is Wish I'd Never

[color:#993399][size:17pt]Wish I'd Never[/size][/color]

Wish I'd Never Copyright © 2009 by Colin Ward

V1

Stepped off a plane in Chile, the rain was pouring down,
I smelled the coal fires burning, took me back to London town

Chorus
Your senses take you places, you remember from long ago,
I wish they'd bring you back to me, I wish I'd never let you go,


V2
I tasted food in Paris, like we shared in old Marseilles,
The memory was vivid, from soup to crème brulee,

Chorus

Bridge
I heard a song we used to sing, on the radio,
We stopped and listened every time, all those years ago

V3
I saw a girl who looked like you, from blond hair to green eyes
It must have been my fault you left, I came to realize

Guitar solo -

V4
I felt a woman's hand in mine, when she handed me my change
Her touch reminded me of you, before we broke the chain,


Chorus

I never paid attention to this section before.I didnt even realize.I'll toss one in.

http://iacmusic.com/songs.aspx?SongID=73945&ArtistID=129066

<sunshine>
Landing on me,falling out of the sky,I caught a woman with a look in her eye-
it's true,this one is for you-

Sweet little voice on the telephone,I'll feel better when you come home-
it's true,this one is for you-

(chorus)-
Sunshine,when I see you dance across my kitchen floor,
Sunshine,when I see your smiling face come through the door,
Sunshine,sunshine-

Funny meeting people when it's all the same,
They never get it right when they say your name-
it's true,this one is for you-

Crazy when I think about the way you talk,little black dress and the way you walk-
it's true,this one is for you-

(chorus)-------------------------------------------------)

(bridge)
And I want you to come home,now it has been said,
Too much static on the phone,I want to hear your voice instead-

(chorus)-------------------------------------------out.

Tunnel For Your Train
Copyright 2008 Tom Yeager

Female lead-Rock

Verse 1

Bring it to me baby
Bring it straight ahead
Been awhile-i'm sorry to say
Since I lost my head

Verse 2

Ever lovin manhood-youre on your way to me
Cmon darlin-work this girl
I'm yearnin to be free

Chorus

Free of being lonely
Free of hunger pains
Cmon darlin bring it on
I'm a tunnel for your train

Bridge

Feel you deep inside me
Ready to derail
Your mighty train is shakin
And I start to wail

Verse 3

Pileup in the tunnel
Slumpin engineer
Cmon darlin map this route
I always will be here

Verse 4

Go through lights a-flashin
Ignore those danger signs
Cause all you ever have to lose
You never meant to find

Repeat Chorus

Is it too late to post lyrics for this round?

Thanks,
Jennifer

Do it! Brian will lock the thread when it's time to pick a song. That will be soon, hopefully.

Hey, thanks for the response. I will!

JH

Hi,

Wasn't sure if you were still accepting lyrics for this round. This is such a great idea and opportunity, and I hope that there will be enough writers who participate so that you can keep it going.

Thanks,

Jennifer

CLOSE THE DOOR
© 2009 Jennifer Schmitt Harvey

(Verse)

Close the door, walk away
Close the curtain on our hell
Turn your back, our bridge is burning
And tell yourself we never fell
Tell yourself it ain’t worth saving
Just two old and tired souls
With our old and tired reasons
On a trail that’s growing cold

(Chorus)

And I’ll close the door behind me
Throw the key into the well
I’ll close this door inside me
And tell myself it’s just as well
And tell myself it’s just as well

(Verse)

I close the door behind you
And it’s smooth beneath my skin
Worn down by all the memories
By our prayers and by our sins
Lonely nights the light fell slowly
Laying shadows all around
And we lose things without knowing
When they die without a sound

(Chorus)

So I’ll close the door behind me
Throw the key into the well
And I’ll close this door inside me
And tell myself it’s just as well
And tell myself it’s just as well

(Bridge)

Guess it’s too soon to see how right it is
And far too late to change our minds
‘Cause we’re too far down this old road
To see what we left behind

(Chorus)

So we close the door behind us
Throw the key into the well
And I’ll close this door inside me
And tell myself it’s just as well
And tell myself it’s just as well

Yeah, I’ll close this door inside me
And tell myself we never fell

Hi Brian

"Angel Kisses"


We know your heart is heavy burdened
with mem'ries from the past,
and the tears and pain you're goin thru
seem to forever(always) last
You 'll find reassurance
in the ones who love you most,
we'll fight for you and see it through
beside you ever close

(Chorus)
Angel kisses Mummy
to help you sleep at night
we ask the Heavenly Angels
to help our Mummy fight
And should the winds blow by softly,
you find yourself amiss
don't be afraid now Mummy
it's just an Angel's Kiss

When can we go home again Mummy
to the life we once knew
please don't take anger out on us
we're here cause we love you
Hold my hand tightly Mummy
I'll keep you safe and warm
just like on that very special day
when I was first born

(bridge)
Each kiss an an-gel gives you takes life's sorrows away
and with the strength from above of God's own pure love
helps you make it thru another day

(Chorus)
Angel kisses Mummy
to help you sleep at night
we ask the Heavenly Angels
to help our Mummy fight
And should the winds blow by softly,
you find yourself amiss
don't be afraid now Mummy
it's just an Angel's Kiss
(last 4 lines twice at end chorus)

© "Angel Kisses" 6-7-09 by Michelle Bolton/Gary D. Gray All Rights Reserved (BMI)

Hello. Here is our song.
"A Soldier's Call"
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=936270&songID=7627025
2009 Becky Monnier (lyrics) and Nadia Cripps (music).
Gemma Louise Edwards (vocals), Nadia Cripps (piano).

V1
My eyes filled up with tears
When I heard them on the phone
They said he was a hero
But he wont be coming home
Im sorry for my selfish need
To want him here with me
Im sure that where he is now
Is a better place to be

Chorus:

In the midst of heavy fighting, someone called his name
It must have been an angel; hes feeling no more pain
His spirit drifts above the clouds, no more need to fight
The angels came to lead him into the shining light

V2

His life had much more meaning
With pride in his uniform
He saved the broken and bleeding
And braved the enemy storm
This group of men like brothers
Came against a fire wall
He had to save the others
It was a soldiers call

Chorus

In the midst of heavy fighting, someone called his name
It must have been an angel; hes feeling no more pain
His spirit drifts above the clouds, no more need to fight
The angels came to lead him into the shining light

The heavens opened for him, to wait there for us all
Because the angels answered this fallen soldiers call.

Just a lyric, but maybe a smidge contraversial, so what the heck...

Beth

“Oh Mama!”
© 2009 Lyrics, Beth G. Williams, BMI

Barbara wore pearls
While Rosalyn did jeans
Hilary had suits
But Jackie reigned supreme

From pillbox hats
To glamorous gowns
When it came to fashion
She had it down

Sadly when lights dimmed in our Camelot
Somehow First Lady style just went to pot

Until Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
Haven’t seen such panache in a while
Strong and sleek
Your ensemble tres chic
Topped off with your dazzling smile

Pilates and crunches
And modern designers
Our First Lady, dang!
Could not be much finer

Barack ain’t complainin’, his wife is the best
Together they’ll conquer the world while well-dressed

Because Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
You captivate all with your charms
Remember that day
You blew us away
Exercising your right to bare arms?

Then came that world-wide televised scene
When your grace met Her Grace – you got a hug from the Queen!

That’s right Oh Mama!
Michelle Obama
Shaping history's no news to you
Your hubby’s not white
You’re so pretty and bright
With your help we'll get our groove back too!

Looks as though the contest is still open, so I shall now join in on this one.


GIFT FROM THE ATTIC

c1995 Brian Beecher



She was a young girl of eleven
Whose grandma had just passed away
Her parents took her to the house
Once upon a warm June day

Inside were many valuables
Such as jewelry and antiques
But when she saw that music box
She was just too stunned to speak

There was soon to be an auction
Where certain pieces would be sold
But to this girl the music box
Was worth much more than gold

Her parents took it from the shelf
And as they brought it down the stairs
She began to gaze in wonderment
And her eyes were filled with tears

It was a gift
From the attic filled with love
It had history
It had brought joy to her family
For many many years

For three whole generations
It had given folks a lift
To this little girl it was
A most precious gift

Her grandma got that music box
As a Christmas gift one year
As she began to wind it up
She could not hold back the tears

She had a brother and a sister
Who were living nearby
As they listened to that lovely waltz
They too began to cry


They would soon take a vacation trip
They’d take the music box along
Then the car began to make a noise
Very soon it would break down

Her family was upset this happened
In an inconvenient place
But soon that music box would put a smile
On everybody’s face

It was a gift
From the attic filled with love
It had history
It had brought joy to her family
For many many years

For three whole generations
It had given folks a lift
To this little girl it was
A most precious gift

And though all may not be peaceful
On the domestic front these days
There are things meant to be lighthearted
That can change most people’s ways

So try to take them in the same spirit
And soon you may realize
That minor arguments can be healthy
You just might be surprised
It is a gift

For three whole generations
It had given folks a lift
To this little girl it was
A most precious gift

Hi Folks,

Okay.. we've got some entries.. so I am going to contact both Harriet AND Pat and ask them to choose an entry from this field and BOTH do a critique. We'll start with Pat and then after her process has ended we'll go to Harriet.

For me to continue this process however, I need to see some activity from those who are least are involved in this entry process. Please jump in and give a thoughtful critique. Once the Mentor has posted, please jump back in and discuss the differences (or similarities) of your critique to the Mentors. THAT is the real purpose of this program, not receiving a free critique. That is simply a bonus to the one chosen. We're here to LEARN how to give critiques and by doing so we will learn better how to evaluate our own songs.

Thanks to those who entered. I will ask Pat and Harriet to choose something from this entry pool. After Pat has chosen we will start the process and give everyone several days to post critiques and then have Pat post hers. Then we'll have additional discussion for a few days and then Harriet will start her process.

Stay tuned for the next phase and thanks again to those who got involved.

Brian