JPF Home Page Forums Post Week 50 (March 30th) Entries Here

Hi Folks,

We are starting the Week 50 process for the Mentor Critique. We welcome anyone to post a lyric or a lyric/with an mp3 link for consideration. This week, Pat Luboff, a very talented and professional music educator, as well as writer of several hit songs and co-writer (along with husband Pete) of some of the best selling music education books on the market, is our volunteer Mentor. She will pick an entry for which she will provide a public critique. She is not looking for the "Best" or "Worst" entry, but rather the one that will serve the learning process the best. Once she chooses, we will post that choice and open it up for member critiques. This is an important stage as it helps you learn how to critically look at lyrics and song structure for later comparision to Pat's points. After we've had critiques by members, we'll post Pat's critique and have further discussion.

The schedule is:

Monday through Friday Night: Lyric and Lyric/MP3 link entries.
Saturday through Tuesday Morning: Open Member Critique
Tuesday Night: We Post Pat's Critique
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and beyond: We have open discussion.

This is all about learning. Don't post a lyric or mp3 file that you aren't open to criticism and aren't willing to change. If you would rather have a private Critique by Pat, visit her site at http://www.writesongs.com/. I suggest, if you haven't participated before, that you read one from a previous week to get up to speed on how it all works. Good luck and get involved!

We will be accepting entries until approximately 7:00 PM on Friday.

So post your Week 50 Entries below!

Thanks Brian.
This song has evolved from what I thought was a finished song to a rough draft of sorts that needs some work so I'm anxious to see what folks think. I'm not an expert on structure. Fire at Will..............I'm Steve

http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/viewprivtrack.php?trackid=54399


The Soft Sound of Sandaled Feet
Steve Hatfield 09
V1
They led me through the temple courts
Threw me to the ground
Crying out for judgement of my sin
Angry voices everywhere
Shouting for my death
Waiting for the word to do me in
(Prechorus)
Then through the maddn’ing crowd I heard
The soft sound of sandaled feet
Soon a hand reached out without a stone
To lift me from my place on this dusty judgement seat
As one by one they left us all alone

(chorus)
The soft sound of sandaled feet
Came and rescued me
I will ne’re forget the day they came
Worn by one who had the pow’r
To save me from my darkest hour
There will never be a sound so sweet
As the soft sound of jesus sandaled feet
Bridge
He asked who my accusers were and I said no one Lord
Then he replied go and sin no more

Hi Brian - I'm ready to pay my dues! Here it is - my first song - brought to life by the beautiful and talented Heather Cowles-Morris. I welcome any and all feedback!

http://www.soundclick.com/heatherorwig

I CRY
©2009 Heather Orwig


That day we took our wedding vows
When you promised me things
What a fool I was then
To put my faith in that ring
Now here I am alone again
I keep walking the floor
Wonder what will happen
When you walk back in the door

Chorus:
And I cry
Cause you’re nowhere around
And I cry
But you don’t hear a sound
Oh I cry
To wash the pain away
It hurts to smile anyway
No matter how hard I try
Oh – Lord knows I’m gonna cry

You know these kids are growing fast
Little versions of you
And they are growing wise
But I pray they have no clue
Your best friend is that bottle now
We don’t matter I’m sure
Wonder if you’ll notice
When you walk back in that door

Chorus:
And I cry
Cause you’re nowhere around
And I cry
But you don’t hear a sound
Oh I cry
To wash the pain away
It hurts to smile anyway
No matter how hard I try
Oh – Lord knows I’m gonna cry

Bridge
You won’t see me fall apart
Time will heal my broken heart
There’s no reason I should stay
You won’t miss me anyway

Chorus:
And I cry
Cause you’re nowhere around
And I cry
But you don’t hear a sound
Oh I cry
To wash the pain away
It hurts to smile anyway
No matter how hard I try
Oh – Lord knows I’m gonna cry





Thanks!!

Heather Orwig

Hi you all,

Here is a story song, The Old Mans Flowers. An old song I wrote with just a guitar vocal.

Thanks for listening,

Letha

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7475260

The Old Mans Flowers
© Letha Allen 2008
Letha@LethaAllen.com

From a chair beside the road
The old man would wave
In his garden he would hoe
His flowers everyday
And everyday I’d wave
My heart would fill with peace
To see the beautiful flowers
He grew for all to see

Well his hands were old and worn
But he never failed a smile
Till the day his chair was gone
His flowers stood alone
And oh my heart was sad
A tear came to my eye
I said, who will tend his flowers
They will surely die

Chorus
Beautiful flowers
From a tiny seed
Planted with love
So beautiful to see

Now the old
man is gone
But his flowers will live on
His children take his place
You see his flowers never fade

Tho the old man,
He is gone
His flowers still live on
Children take his place
see his flowers never fade

No the old mans flowers never fade…

I'll put myself on the block. I know I need some tips on getting my country lyrics better. Here's a new lyric. No MP3 link, I'm a lyricist only.

ALL THE RAGE
copyright 2009 Z. Mulls


(v1)

Afternoons on the playground telling the meek
They'd never inherit the earth
Took it all out on little Bobby
Told him what we thought he was worth

Bobby ran home and cried to his mama
We high-fived and laughed at the drama

Why'd I do things like that?

(chorus)

It was ALL THE RAGE
It was my Daddy's belt, a taste of hell
ALL THE RAGE
Long-neck bottles, and long-fought battles
It was hearing I don't matter from the time I was small
It was never getting any kind of chance at all
It was not being able to turn the page
It was ALL THE RAGE

(v2)

Evenings knocking over convenience stores
And breaking into cars
Driving with a pocket of loaded steel
Looking for empty bars

Don't knock over bars when you find them
Cause you'll only end up behind them

Why'd I do things like that?

(repeat Chorus - It was ALL THE RAGE, etc.)

(v3)

Ten to twenty I do my time
But who's that coming my way?
Little Bobby grown up and here in jail
And I got too much too say

I start to shake as I say to him
Bless me Father for I have sinned

Why'd I do things like that?


(repeat Chorus - It was ALL THE RAGE, etc.)

Hi All,

Here's an old one. I'm not quite into my upbeat/uptempo groove today so bare with me while I wallow for a bit. Thanks.

Ricki

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7476765

BLOWN AWAY
©Ricki E. Bellos

In this window I can still see myself
As if I were somebody else
I move in no set direction
A storm brews in my reflection

Oh now the blowing wind
Begins

I could tell by the look on your face
You were stranded in some darkened place
You were leaving and I could not go
I was crying but couldn’t let it show

Oh hear the wind howl
Out loud

I thought more time would make me strong
There isn’t time enough to last that long
I was ready when the day had come
But not when day was done

I have dreams that do not include you
I believe they will someday come true
What I need is a redeeming diversion
To erase this latest desertion

Oh how the wind blows
So cold

Oh how the wind knows
My soul

I am so new, and have so much to learn, so I'll be brave.I really appreciate everybodys input and suggestions. I write lyrics only, I don't write music.



This Place I found In You


Verse 1
Your face,
Shining like the morning sunrise, sweet embrace,
When the dawn breaks over me,
Your touch,
As it peretrates my being, feels so warm,
Radiating sweet release.

Verse 2
Your eyes,
Like a window to tomorrow, see through me,
As a mirror to my soul,
Your smile,
Gently calming all my sorrows, and I know,
That I'm right where I belong.

Chorus 1
And when you look at me,
I know this is where I want to spend my life, I see,
Things I've never seen, I'm where I need to be,
You are all I need forever,
I could never leave,
This place I found in you.

Verse 3
Your kiss,
With it's wetness soft and gentle, timeless feel,
I could never leave this place,
Your hands,
Send a comfort deep inside me, to my soul,
In this place that I lay down.

Bridge
And with your sweet embrace,
Heaven opens up and lifts me there, I stay,
Dusk to break of dawn,
I am with you one soul,
My spirit is in you and yours in me, I know,
In this place I found in you I am complete.

Chorus 2
And when you look at me,
I know this is where I want to spend my life, I see,
Things I've newer seen, I'm where I need to be,
You are all I need forever,
I could never leave,
This place I found in you.

This place I found in you I am complete

Four more people..............or folks............Can I buy a whole lot of vowels...........

steve

I've had this one kicking around for a while but Never got to the music. I'm hearing this as kind of a good natured, uptempo rag!

"18 year old brain"

The last thing I remember was
That I was just a kid
Now I have to wear a baseball cap
To keep my bald spot hid

The people that all know me say
You sure are doing fine
But the gas tanks' running mighty low
On this ol' bus of mine.

C) Well I will never be my father's age
No I never will give in
I'll tell you that I'm 25
With a big ol' toothless grin

I wake up every morning with
Brand new aches and pain
And it makes me blue to be 52
With an 18 year old brain

I see all these youngun's downtown
Showing off their youth
Doing things that I invented
Man ain't that the truth
You're never too old to rock and roll
So I jump right on in
But that stuff that they call music just
Gets underneath my skin

C) Well I will never be my father's age
No I never will give in
I'll tell you that I'm 25
With a big ol' toothless grin

I wake up every morning with
Brand new aches and pain
And it makes me blue to be 52
With an 18 year old brain
It makes me blue to be 52
With an 18 year old brain

Road Hog Gypsies

v1
Said goodbye to Calhoun County running for the Northeast coast
Chis'ling like a Texas twister through the long and winding road
Ridin' high and feelin' mighty in my bright-red, long nose Pete
Pushin' eighty in a sixty with four tons of Angus beef

v2
Got my scanner set for Smokies, chugging coffee black and hot
There's no state I ain't left rubber or a Philip-Morris butt
All across this two way ribbon with an ever changing load
I know ev'ry dime store diner on the pike or dusty roads

C.
They call us road hog Gypsies
Through night and day we roll
Dirty road hog Gypsies
Takin' big rigs for a stroll
Cuss-ed road hog Gypsies
Best to stay out of our way
Busted road hog Gypsies
We s'posed to been there yesterday

v3
Have an itch to keep on moving, never seem to get enough
There's no beer I ain't poured down and no hill I ain't been up
When the price of gas skyrockets and the bills become too much
Pitch your bitch at King Abdullah, don't be lookin' down at us

v4
It's all clear through Sooey country so I put the hammer down
And I think about the people sleeping in those little towns
As I listen to some Johnny, there's one lady on my mind
Said she wouldn't try to tame me cause I'd never walk the line

C.
They call us road hog Gypsies
Through night and day we roll
Dirty road hog Gypsies
Takin' big rigs for a stroll
Cuss-ed road hog Gypsies
Best to stay out of our way
Busted road hog Gypsies
We s'posed to been there yesterday

Listen at:

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7436638

YOUR TEARS

I’ll take some time, and think about what was said
I'll process and analyze the thoughts spinning ‘round in my head
But what’s the point? It’s a waste of time,
no fault, no blame, to call yours or mine
I’ll block out the noise, get down to the core,
the solid foundation still there like before

I’ve got no reason to doubt you honey,
after all of these falling down years
Filled with my blood and sweat and your tears

You’ll catch your breath and let everything slow down
You’ll battle emotions and scream without making a sound
The finger gets pointed in every direction
then anger gives way to quiet reflection
You’ll move on, back to status quo
You know holding on can mean letting go

You’ve got no reason to doubt me baby,
after all of these falling down years
Filled with my blood and sweat and your tears

Whoa – here it goes again,
we do this thing every now and then
It’s not a good thing, but now it’s happening
My oh my, don’t ask me I can’t tell you why
And what’s it matter? It doesn’t matter at all

I've got no reason to doubt you now
after all of these falling down years
filled with my blood and sweat and your tears

one more................ :-)

okay.. I am cutting off entries for this week.

Brian