JPF Home Page Forums Week 49 MP3/Lyric Pick: "Somebody Told Me You Were Gone"

Hi Folks,

This week's pick by Harriet Schock for the Mentor Critique is Yann Causeret's "Somebody Told Me You Were Gone." She will be posting her critique on Thursday night, so starting now we'd like to get all of your critiques on this. Remember, lyrics/mp3's are not chosen on what is best or worst, but rather what will make for an interesting educational discussion of what was done well, what can be improved and basic building blocks for writing strong lyrics and songs. Please jump in and then once Harriet posts, see if you noticed the same points.

Thanks again to Harriet and everyone who has already participated. If you didn't get chosen (or didn't enter) and would still like a Professional Critique by Harriet Schock, or take a class in person or one of her on-line courses, please check her website at http://www.harrietschock.com.

For now, let's hear your thoughts on Yann's entry! Remember that Yann should not post a response until AFTER Harriet posts her critique.
------------------------
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
© 2009 YANN CAUSERET
all rights reserved

Verse 1
The cat is crouching near the fish bowl
He’s pretending he’s asleep
My eyes are windows to my soul

Verse 2
The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I can hear voices down the street
The clouds are marching one by one

CHORUS
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verse 3
The wind is blowing and the shadows
Are slowly creeping out our place
The ashes came before the glow

Verse 4
It may look funny from the outside
Like two angels face to face
But passion used to be our guide

CHORUS
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verses 5 & 6 (instrumental)

CHORUS
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

CHORUS OUT
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

While there are some interesting observations in this write, petty and otherwise, I must admit to being lost. I can't find a thread of congruity.

My best guess is that the singer is distraught (over the death of the person he/she is singing to?) and he is noticing random things and having random thoughts. Specifically, the Emily Dickinsonian opening bit about the cat (which I liked and was looking forward to a pursuit of that teasing tidbit, at least to some degree), then drifting into paraphrasing Shakespeare strikes me as odd.

The chorus seems ready to provide the answer, but then it leaves me wondering. To specifically state that the person died precisely one minute before dawn, followed with "Somebody told me you were gone" leaves me scratching that kitten. <G>

That info had to have been garnered after the fact, since the (phone call?) alerting him of the death wouldn't have been instantaneous, nor would the caller just happen to mention in passing that, "Oh, by the way, she died precisely one minute before dawn!"

I really like the line, "The ashes came before the glow."

You might just as easily have combined V1 & 2 as well as 3 & 4.

The hook almost feels like an afterthought. I must be missing the point. Maybe she isn't actually dead, but has simply told him, through a 3rd party to take a walk?

The writing is good. One preposition appears to be missing, unless you are Randy Jackson, in this line:

Are slowly creeping out (OF) our place (sneaky cat probably grabbed it)

I know someone will come along with all the answers and make me look like the world's worst analyst, but if they do, would someone please tell them I am gone!

Bonjours Yann, & Congrats on being picked, Amigo!

What's here feels like a fairly-accurate "cataloguing" of a Survivor's Impressions of the moments just-after a phone call informing him/her of the death of someone (I'd assume..a Spouse) passing-away. Unexpectedly.

The First Verse feeds-in Stream-of-Consciousness Details of the cat, the room, a reflection on the eye-soul "connection"..V2 we get Sounds-Recorded/he's listening..then LOOKING..Outside the room to check out The Clouds...then

WHAM..we get the Chorus. The "What's It All About" part. The former Nonsense MAKES Sense.

V3's more-cryptic..but the "shadows" line conveys both the Former Life is oozing-out...while Reality-&-Closure says the Mid-Day Sun might well be creeping-in. MY "Take" on the Ashes Line says he/she got the Bad News & NOW the "Glow" of that Former Life is coming into-view. But..that's just My Take...it's tough to NAIL-down What this line's Intended To Say.

Verse 4, for me, begins with the Lyric's Weakest Line. Yet, it hints that The Singer's perhaps lost-touch with Reality. "Funny" is kinda non-existent in these Moments of Tragedy. (BUT..some people DO break out in Unexplainable Laughter at a Funeral..for instance.) Anyways, Singer's contemplating what An Onlooker would evaluate, methinks, seeing the Singer going thru all his/her anguish. Line 2..again, JMO, shows the mental-breakdown going on: It's a really BAD Comparison. Last line, "Passion" seems to be a Reflection on Better Times..a hint that Singer's getting back to Reality...& the last Choruses (after what seems like Too-Long a Musical Break?) return us to the Singer's Anguish.

I think the Mystery of Death DOES produce Moments Like This... I can still remember the room, the time of day, my Mom's Response, the Male Voice/His Name, and the Number 2 Yellow Pencil I rubbed over-&-over again as Mom was informed my Dad had died...59 years ago.

Timeline gives a good clue as to the anguish-felt in The Chorus. IF it's Already Noon...& Spouse died "A minute before dawn" (around 6-7AM?)...the Departure took place a good 6+ Hours-Previously..BEFORE The Bad News Arrived. The "Fingers through the hair" hints both at anguish..& a reassurance that Life's Still Going-On..somehow..Normally. The Scent..that's probably pretty rapidly-departing 6 hours later..is a Brilliant "Reminder" of how fleeting..& temporary..life..& love..can be.

Pretty Powerful Stuff, Yann. (HOPE ya didn't have to actually Live-Through this one to pen this lyric.) Congrats, though, for one that did bring back Memories!

Best Wishes,
Stan

Pretty interesting lyric Yann. Probably far too intricate for me to dissect properly. A couple of things though. Structurally I think you may be able to combine vs 1 & 2 into a verse. I say that because to me it seems they say similar things. Verse one is saying what you're seeing at the time. Verse two is saying what you're seeing at the time. To me. Now verse three and four seem more different. Actually verse three seems like more of verse one and two. Verse four begins a transition. One other note. If there is any significant musical break between vs 1 & 2, then a break between 2 & chorus, then the same time between vs 3,4 and then two musical interludes comprising vs 5,6 then this could easily end up being a really long song. Much over four minutes. Anyway. Just my take. Congrats on being chosen.

Steve

Hi Yann,

This is a rather abstract take on the loss of a loved one.

The chorus spells out for the listener that someone close to the singer dies a minute before dawn. Does "...and run my fingers through my hair" belong here? is it in the same class as this other important info, does the contrast of this "mechanical nervous tic" work to offset the seriousness elsewhere? I would think about conveying something more useful there in your chorus.

The cat is crouching near the fish bowl
He’s pretending he’s asleep
My eyes are windows to my soul

Some nice atmosphere, followed by a non-sequitur. Why does the singer think this after observing his cat? Maybe some more direct observations here might be better.

The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I can hear voices down the street
The clouds are marching one by one

This atmosphere is like what happens to our memory, after some trauma, where every little detail around the event becomes magnified, in fact, this is the main thrust of the lyric, to me.

In V3 the singer tells of how "shadows are slowly creeping out our place" which is interesting, and that the beloved was cremated, how the ashes could come before the glow is a puzzle, though.

V4 seems too disconnected from the main story, as abstract as

It may look funny from the outside
Like two angels face to face
But passion used to be our guide

"It may look funny from the outside" seems wasted info here. I'm not sure in the singer's state of mind he could even imagine life from anothers' POV. You could retain the main thought here, and have him seeing two face to face lovers ("angels" and "passionate" don't mix, imo) in some details that he's observing, like "funny how pavement cracks can look like passionate lovers, like...us" Pavement cracks or burning embers or ANYTHING really, the point being that this singers grieving is causing this.

I don't know, where's the "soul" of your song? Is there one true theme, or should this simply be improved along the lines of letting it be a bit of atmosphere, a few random recollections...I'm not feeling much emotion here, but much disassociation, a disconnect with the singer.

The song could be more focused on the singer's disconnection, by highlighting all those moments around the time of the beloveds death, and how they become inflated, hyper-real, slowed down; then some allusion or bold statement as to this fact might go in place of the hand/hair line, such as "I drop the phone, and everything stops," (or...life grinds to a halt, I 'm a mute observer, a cut-off cameraman...) then all the atmosphere and recollections are understood by the listener as being part of the singers' disconnected "grieving process" .

So I'm suggesting replace "my eyes are the windows to my soul" with more details of the singer's memory, without the abstraction. V2 okay. Chorus, replace "hands...hair" line with one about how life changes, right then and there, for the singer. In V3, rethink what you are trying to say with the ashes/glow thought. In V4, let the singer have two different thoughts without trying to make the first "like" the second, or, keeping with my suggested rewrite, make this verse more DETAILS that he singer was observing around the time of the beloveds death.

I'm trying to keep in the spirit of what you have here. I'm not saying "make the singer connect with his emotions", I don't believe in "song psychoanalysis"...I'm trying to take what you have written, and simply find the heart of what it is you are doing here, and trying to say...so without and until there's feedback, it's all a bit presumptuous on my part, but all done in the spirit of trying to help you make your song better, without "changing" it's meaning in any way. Best wishes,

Mike

Hi Yann,

This is very evocative of how our mind can drift inexplicably when faced with tragedy. While I'm not sure I fully understand each line, I think I get the general idea in V1 & 2.
V3:
The wind is blowing and the shadows
Are slowly creeping out our place
The ashes came before the glow
What this verse says to me is the sun is up now (time marches on) but the death occurred before the sun rise.
V4: I've got nothing. It would be nice to tie it to V3, like V1 & 2 are tied together. Now it feels like it's off by itself.
The chorus is very powerful. This death (accident, car crash on the way to work? whatever) seems to me to have just happened, maybe within an hour of this phone call, so the idea of still noticing the presence of her perfume is very realistic to me.
Overall, I think my only nit would be with V4 being a little too abstract and not having the same feel as the rest of the song.
I would very much like to hear the music you have for this. Please post it after you have done your re-write, if you do one.

Ricki

I think I would have to speak French to understand this work better.
I can’t invalidate it just because I don’t understand it. I guess the question is: does it evoke an emotional response in me? It is really the only thing I can answer honestly. I tend to want to interpret the chorus literally because I can visualize the scene.

I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

It is pretty effective because it is provocative. Someone apparently got the news of a death- someone close- someone who lived in the house. The news is unexpected. The person was just there apparently, because their scent is still present. Someone “TOLD me you were gone.” Words are powerful. A few years ago, I arrived home with my two daughters. My younger daughter went inside first and then came running back and shouted, “Christian drown!” I knew he had been in the pool with his two older brothers so her words drove into me like a knife. It has been 8 years now and I still cringe when I recall that day. When it comes to the way I was emotionally affected, and still am, by the incident, it didn’t matter that Christian survived and is alive and healthy today. (He was in a coma for 12 hours). Her words had done the damage to my psyche. Other times I have received bad news in the middle of the night. I am never happy when I get a call at an ungodly hour.

The verses are so impressionistic that I can’t offer a confident interpretation. But again, I can see the poetry in the image of the cat and the fish because I have seen a cat passively sitting by the object out of reach biding his time. Next, there is a reference to “my eyes are window to my soul”. The logical poetic connection for me then, is that the self is the bowl, the eyes are the transparency of the bowl and that the fish is the soul. That would mean that the ‘soul’ is threatened. But because I cannot connect this imagery with the chorus, I am not persuaded yet.

In the second verse we have “time”, “voices” and “clouds”. I suspect I am missing something very apparent in French metaphors- but I make no connection other than the possibility that life is still going on, perhaps too tediously after the death. How did Brian Wilson put it? “If you should ever leave me, life would still go on believe me. But the world would show nothing to me. So what good would living do me?”

In verse three:
The wind is blowing and the shadows
Are slowly creeping out our place
The ashes came before the glow

I definitely feel an emotional connection here. Time has moved through the tragedy and modified the emotional landscape. I think perhaps again there is a French language syntax difference here but I think I am reading that the “shadows” (memories, hurts etc) are slowly moving out of the home (even if the ‘home’ means shared memories). The ashes can be literally the ashes of the dead and/or the loss of the loved one. The “glow” is what time does to memory eventually. Gradually, the pain subsides and the ‘essence’ of the loved one remains in our conscious memory of them.

I don’t quite get the last verse but I quite like it anyway. I guess it could be like trying to figure out Jackson Pollock’s squiggles. I don’t know why I like it, I just do.

It may look funny from the outside
Like two angels face to face
But passion used to be our guide

I think it is a very interesting work. I hope you are able to eventually post the misic

Hi Yann,

This has a lot of vivid images throughout the verses. These images seem to be blended between inner reflections from the narrator and I like that. The narrator appears to be noticing the little things around him/her that people often overlook on a daily basis: clock ticking, voices yonder, wind blowing, cat crouching…..which adds to the tone of the lyric…and then he/she makes a comment about what's just been said.

The chorus gives us a lot of tangible information that the listener can grab onto – what it means in relation to the verses, I can guess that time has stopped for this person since he/she has been told someone he loves has died.

It’s interesting the way you have structured how you release the details of the story. I imagine the narrator holding the receiver with no one on the other end…kind of frozen in time. That’s when the quiet aspects of daily life do seem to appear. The last lines of the verses seem to be like the topic sentence, if you will, of each verse, just at the end instead of the beginning. But I’m not sure how they connect to what’s before them:

V1 – “my eyes are windows to my soul” – I’m not sure what this means in the context you have it with the cat.

V2 – “The clouds marching one by one” – maybe life goes on….movement…

V3 - “The ashes came before the glow” – perhaps the person died before they had a chance to have a life together.

V4 – “Passion used to be our guide” – passion seems to be the subject of the verse. It sounds like they had lost their passion before any of this happened, which takes away from the “in the moment” theme you have going on in the other verses.

I’m thinking those last lines could be tweaked to highlight what is being said in a more obvious way, if that is what you are aiming to do by putting those lines there at the end. That would also evoke more emotion out of the listener.

I hope something here is of help to you, Yann….Good luck with it!

Kristi

Note to all JPFer's: Please nudge your friends to get back involved in this program. It's in danger of going away. We need more folks to participate. Where the heck is everyone?

Brian

I for one am going to keep throwing stuff up on the wall until something sticks................ :-)

steve

I’m writing down my comments before reading anyone else’s.

I have a very strong reaction to songs where someone dies. I immediately raise the bar in my mind. It’s very easy to get an emotional reaction when someone dies in a song. Easy. Our instinctive reaction to hearing about a loss – anyone’s – is immediate sympathy, and empathy thinking about losses we’ve suffered, or will suffer in the future. The TV show ER did this all the time – someone dies, music swells, we all get upset, and it’s paint-by-numbers. You have to earn that reaction, and when you kill someone off for us to watch you are liable to mistake that easy-to-get emotional reaction for something you’ve accomplished in your writing.

I think what you are trying to do here is capture tiny observations at the “moment” you hear that someone close to you has died. That “time stood still” idea. You’re trying to capture, I think, that sense that you’re waiting to hear the news, and when you do, you notice a million tiny details. Is that it? Or is the death supposed to be a shock (cause if you knew it was coming, why weren’t you there…?)

So you observe small things – clouds one by one, cat by the fishbowl, clock ticking – and then the news comes and you drop the phone and sing the chorus.

A couple of your images are fresh. Cat pretending to be asleep. Ashes before the glow. Those are nice. But clocks ticking, shadows creeping, hearing voices….all unoriginal. So is breathing your scent. Or the eyes being the windows to your soul.

What “may look funny from the outside?” I don’t know what we’re looking at – you crying and running your hands through your hair? Is that what looks funny? And is that what looks like two angels face to face? I’m unhappy enough you threw “angels” into the lyric, and on top of that I don’t understand what you’re comparing to angels face to face.

The idea of “a minute before dawn” isn’t bad – that might be the hook for the song. If you anchored the song on that you might be able to draw it all together better.

You have chosen an interesting rhyme scheme and you’re getting boxed in by it. You’re using ABACBC. You’re trapping yourself. And half of your rhymes are on the wrong syllable. You are trying to rhyme “fish BOWL” and “seCONDS” and “shaDOWS" and “outSIDE" – the rhymed syllable you’ve chosen is usually unstressed.

And because you’ve chosen to rhyme the middle line between verses you find yourself saying things like “I hear voices DOWN THE STREET” – down the street? The only reason you went for “street” was that it rhymed with “asleep.” And your “angels face to face” seems to be there to rhyme with “out our place”

I would keep the cat and the ashes and “a minute before dawn.” And I would think hard about whether you have a sense of foreboding and are surprised, or whether you’re waiting for the call – and if you’re waiting for the call, you should have a reason you can’t be there with whoever is dying. You can play with the idea of everything that happens in a minute (more happens in the minute before dawn than happened in your life, for instance).

If you want me to feel something for a fictional character who dies – or for the fictional person who loved the fictional dying person – you really have to ace it. Get me inside the singer’s head and give me a perspective I haven’t seen or heard before.

Yann, my man in France, I gotta say I'm not too keen on this lyric and don't think it works particularly well.

I'll contrast it with another song lyric that deals with the same subject but works very well, and to compare and contrast it with yours.

For A Friend - The Communards

First two lines:

"I never cried the way I cried over you, as I put down the telephone and the world it carried on"

In this lyric, we know straight away that this is a song about loss. And this was done without mentioning the D word.

In the whole of the first two verses of your song, I still have no idea what your song is about, and you're describing a particular scene and a particular moment. The first line is OK, and it creates a nice image, but I have cats and if they're crouching, they're about to pounce on something and are very alert and far from pretending to be asleep.

"My eyes are windows to my soul" The expression "The eyes are the window to the soul" is a very well known expression - in English at least - and it's something that is true, supposedly, of everyone. So just swapping "the" for "my" a couple of times doesn't tell us anything at all about you that isn't true of everybody.

And verse 2 continues in this descriptive prose more suited to a novel, and which you rarely get the time or space to use in a song lyric.

The Chorus

For A Friend.

"As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away, all my memories of you come rushing back to me.
As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away. All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye."

This a universal language that anyone can relate to and, though sad of course, because it's about someone who has now gone, it's also uplifting as well, because the singer has the memories to hold on to. And it's all set up by just one line that creates a powerful image in the mind.

In your chorus, the language is not general, but specific to a certain event, so therefore difficult for the listener to feel any great attachment to the events that happened, because they happened to a person only known by the singer, so it's not going to move most listeners a great deal because it's difficult to relate your lyric with anyone other than the character of the song. And you mention the "D" word. Big mistake. Personally, the actual moment people close to me have died, or the moment I have heard of their deaths, are moments I do not wish to recall - and I guess most other people wouldn't want to either. And you're slapping it right there in my face. How would the Eric Clapton song "Tears in Heaven" sound if it contained the lines, "You fell a hundred foot and DIED!" Not so good I think.

The last two lines are better and I would base the chorus around those lines perhaps.

Anyway, these are just the opinions of someone who believes that Sawyer from Lost is the greatest American to have ever lived, so what the hell do I know?

Lucian.

I thought the chorus told the story, and it was a good chorus. The verses, read like an abstract poem. I'v never been good with abstract, so I don't feel like I can properly critic you work. The verses (to me) were very "busy", moving from thought to thought and I couldn't connect them. I would give each verse a subject leading to or after the phone call. That is just how I would do it, mind you, I have so much to learn myself. It's nice to have found a site like this that will actually help us learn to really think it through. Me in particular, I started with the 3rd week of "fawm", so I'm VERY new at this. Feel free to give me any feedback on my writing, pick it apart if you need to.
Everyone's honesty helps us all grow into better writers.

I thought the chorus told the story, and it was a good chorus. The verses, read like an abstract poem. I'v never been good with abstract, so I don't feel like I can properly critic you work. The verses (to me) were very "busy", moving from thought to thought and I couldn't connect them. I would give each verse a subject leading to or after the phone call. That is just how I would do it, mind you, I have so much to learn myself. It's nice to have found a site like this that will actually help us learn to really think it through. Me in particular, I started with the 3rd week of "fawm", so I'm VERY new at this. Feel free to give me any feedback on my writing, pick it apart if you need to.
Everyone's honesty helps us all grow into better writers.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
© 2009 YANN CAUSERET
all rights reserved

Verse 1
The cat is crouching near the fish bowl
He’s pretending he’s asleep
My eyes are windows to my soul

Verse 2
The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I can hear voices down the street
The clouds are marching one by one

CHORUS
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verse 3
The wind is blowing and the shadows
Are slowly creeping out our place
The ashes came before the glow

Verse 4
It may look funny from the outside
Like two angels face to face
But passion used to be our guide

CHORUS
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verses 5 & 6 (instrumental)

CHORUS
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

CHORUS OUT
I DROP THE PHONE AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR
YOU DIED A MINUTE BEFORE DAWN
I BREATHE YOUR SCENT; IT’S STILL HERE, FLOATING UP IN THE AIR
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
SOMEBODY TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

You guys are getting so good at critiquing! I am in awe of how perceptive some of your comments are. My critique will sound, in part, like a reiteration, but I'm happy to do that because then you'll know that we're on the same page.

This is a tough subject matter, agreed. One thing that captured me, though, is the specificity of the images in the first two verses. Yes, Yann, you do get off the rails a bit on the third line of verse one "My eyes are windows to the soul." You would be better advised to stay with the objects in the room. I tend to agree, also, that cats don't pretend they're asleep when they're crouching near a fish bowl, unless he's pretending he's sleeping with his eyes open, as I hear fish do.

I think all this is not what happens BEFORE the phone call. I think this is what he notices after he either gets the news or after the phone rings and he hears a stranger's voice. The story as I see it is that she went to work, or so he thought, very early or maybe she works the night shift. The phone awakened him and he realized she wasn't there. He's already apprehensive. He picks it up and everything is noticed, in slow motion, the way things happen when something really terrible is occurring. I would not say "Somebody told me you were gone." The word "somebody" is too conversational and doesn't convey the necessary detachment. I think you want to suggest that some unfamiliar voice told you this horrible news--like a police officer. So I'd say "Some voice" or "a stranger" or something like that.

It's interesting that he runs his fingers through his hair, but I think it doesn't work. It's like a scene in a movie with a bad actor. I can't think of a believable performance in which an actor would hear this news and then run his fingers through his hair. I'm sure Sir Lawrence Olivier could have made it work but I think he would have told the director, "he would never do that at a time like this."

How does he know she died a minute before dawn? How did the person who told him the time know when dawn was? Or when she died, for that matter. It takes the police a while to get to the scene of an accident. Did the main character calculate this from knowing when dawn was? It may sound poetic, but it's unrealistic. I know you want us to know it's morning and if you said "a minute before 6," we might think it's evening. He might know it was right before dawn, but not "a minute." I know this is nit picking, and by now, YOU'RE probably running your fingers through your own hair, but we have to cover everything so I'll continue.

Let's talk about your rhyme scheme for a minute. As Z. Mulls pointed out, it's ABACBC. I didn't notice the B's rhyming. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. But also true is the fact that you're trying to rhyme masculine and feminine words. "Second" is feminine. "One" is masculine. (You can look this up on Wikipedia. There's a great explanation of this there.) You can't get away with that. It won't work with music.

"The wind is blowing and the shadows
Are slowly creeping out our place"

Is there a word missing in that last line? Someone suggested it's "of." Maybe so.

In this line,

"The ashes came before the glow "

I am very curious about the meaning of that line. It seems to be an oblique reference to cremation but if so, it doesn't work since it's out of chronological order. Whatever it means, it left most of us confused, so even though I'm eager to know, I think you should probably change the line even if it makes perfect sense when I hear what it meant.

Now we get to the part that I am completely confused by:

"It may look funny from the outside
Like two angels face to face
But passion used to be our guide"

"It" refers to....what? What may look funny? The scene? The death? His life?

What is like two angels face to face? And who are the angels? Where are they?

If passion used to be your guide, when did it stop? When she died? Before she died, as one critiquer suggested--that the relationship was on the rocks? This is very dangerous ground you're on here. We have been brought into a scene where this man's loved one has died. It's cruel and unusual punishment to confuse us this way. You have a responsibility to bring us home alive.

As you may have heard me say before, I believe truth and craft are necessary for remarkable songwriting. Not facts, but truth. You absolutely have to have both. This song has a degree of truth--in that he notices all the little things at the moment of shock. That's a truth worth telling and when you tell it well, it's powerful. But without the craft to pull it off all the way through, the truth still leaves us unfulfilled. And because you chose a truth of this nature, it's actually a bit of a betrayal to the listener. I'm sure you never meant to have this effect, and I may be exaggerating to prove a point. But I think you need to revisit this before you commit music to it, or at least write a new lyric fit your existing melody in many places.

Yann, you are a very perceptive person. I've read your posts. This is something I believe you could rewrite to make work. Because of the serious nature of the subject matter, I think it's important to do this rewrite or not show it. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to read it and give you all this feedback. I hope it hasn't been too hard on you. People have mentioned French. Is English not your native language? If not, then you have really mastered the language well. Let us know that too.

Hello, good morning (or night, or whatever's adapted to your time zone)!

First things being first : thanks a lot to Harriet for picking my lyric and taking the time to evaluate it. And thanks to all the writers at JPF who are giving me their valuable feedback too.

This first post of mine won't say much, as I have to hurry right now. In France, it's time to go to work. I'll have more time this evening after my day's work.

I just wanted to say thank you and to let you all know that I'll take into account every single piece of advice you've been so kind to give me. I hope this is going to allow me to do a rewrite much better than the weak example I was so bold as to ask you to read.

This write was something I mainly wrote as an experience. Being picked, I certainly couldn't dream of getting better feedback. All this discussion is part of this experience, so don't be shy to fire away at everything you don't like or don't understand, I'm here to learn, not to reinforce my ego.

And no, English is not my native language. It's a language I couldn't even speak or understand properly before I was 35 (I'm now 41). But I wanted to learn it, and I'm still learning it - as well as teaching it now, as a matter of fact. I hope I can improve in my songwriting too, and maybe in a few years I'll be able to have you read and listen to good things.

Bye for now. I'll start going into the personal and the technical details this evening. I do hope you'll go on sharing this thread of discussion with me. I intend to let you read - and hear - a better song very soon.

Thanks again to everyone involved. Bye for now.

Hello again.

The kids are not asleep yet, so I'll have to communicate by small pieces of writing for the next 2 hours or so.

This post is intended for everyone to read. I'll answer each post personally later on.

About the genesis of the lyric:

- my wife's grandmother is currently in a hospital situated about 1000 kms far from where we live. She's 87 and dying. You can't imagine a nicer person. I love her as my own grandmother. It's been now about 6 weeks that we're expecting a phone call, whether from the hospital or from my mother-in-law, that will give us news of her passing away. She's suffering a lot, and that's euphemism.

- one very good friend of mine is a musician. He's got lots more musical gear than I have, and he can record nice demos at his home. Unfortunately enough, he's living a bit far from us. I had a music. On the day we had agreed to meet, he told me that he'd like to demo it for free. But I had no words. I had about half an hour to write at least 2 verses and a chorus, so as to sing somthing more than onomatopoeias.


The result of this conjunction was the first draft of this lyric we're discussing. Words occured to me automatically, from the right side of my brain. I didn't plan nor analyse anything. I simply had not the time to do it.

Now about the experience.
I was curious, because I didn't know where the images and words came from. I wanted to know if something that came unconsciously had any sort of emotional quality. I wanted to know if words that came with my Editor and Censor nowhere to be seen had qualities of their own.
So I quickly wrote verses 3 and 4 as a second thought, trying to write them in the same state of mind : pricking up my inner ears to hear some sounds, not really paying attention to their meaning.
Of course I was conscious of the cryptic quality of some lines. I'm now able to offer some "logical" explanations for those, but I must admit I got them after a bit of brain activity. I fully know that no listener is ready to provide half as much effort for my person's sake except myself. But I wanted to know if words could touch people even when they didn't understand the logics.

I have to go now, dinner and bedtime stories. I'll be back later on. Bye for now.

Dang - missed another one. Thought I had the weekend.....

Anything I say now will sound like cheating. Fact is though, that I don't have anything that hasn't already been mentioned.

It DOES get that slow-motion feeling of unreality across that happens in situations like these. So I think it has a lot of potential.

Sorry I missed this, Yann.

Scott

I was hoping I hadn't missed Harriet's response too, as I've been traveling until late yesterday. So . . . . I won't write my initial thoughts, but rather a few afterthoughts.
Yann, I think your explanation of how you wrote the lyric is interesting and a really great way to "start" a lyric - or brainstorm a lyric. My initial reaction when I had read it was "hmmmm . .. this is either madness or genious." No doubt your words could touch people even if they didn't understand . . . as you said.
On Harriet's comment about the running the fingers though the hair at that moment . . . I could visualize the person doing this . . . phone dangling off the hook on the nightstand . . . head cupped in both hands and going through the hair over and over - not in a soft, soothing type manner, but more like a wringing of the hands-type gesture. I'm sure it does need to be revisited after reading Harriet's explanation of why it may not work though . . . and she does make sense. I am so curious as to the meaning of a few of those lines (to me, it was really open to interpretation). Hope to see any re-writes or further work (mp3 included) on this Yann.

And I, too, am sorry I missed this.

Blessings to you and your wife's family during this difficult time.

Hi Frank,

thank you for sharing your thoughts.

You admitted to being lost, and so did others. I think that's the main weak point of this lyric. Things are not clear, they need further explanation. Which I understand isn't good in a song.

I'll try to explain some of my intentions.

"One minute before dawn". Some people call the hour before dawn - or so I think they do - "the darkest hour". In my mind, the minute before dawn represented the darkest minute within that darkest hour. Very dark. It also pointed to the fact that the dead person didn't make it to the morning light, she - I think of her as a woman - stayed in the dark, she didn't survive.

"Instantaneous". This word you use is very interesting. I wanted most of the lyric to be written in the present tense, regardless of any real chronology. Time is standing still, caught in an everlasting, "frozen" present. In my first apprehension of the situation, the scene with the singer dropping the phone had occured even before the very first line of verse 1, and keeps on reappearing regularly, as in an eternal loop, always in the present tense because never accepted as a historical fact. Past as the tense of the accepted, present as the tense of the "everything still possible, even changing reality".

"out vs out of" : I thought - probably an error - that British people said "out of the window" while Amercans said "out the window". I just tried to write American, in which it seems I have failed.

Many thanks again for helping me improve in my songwriting.

Take care.

Hi Stan.

Many thanks for your comments and kind words.

Death of loved ones is something difficult to accept. I tried to figure it out on a symbolic level, I suppose. I didn't have to live through this situation very recently. Memories of my grandparents' deaths must be deeply hidden in my subconscious mind. Unfortunately, I'll have to experience it once again at a very short notice, as I explained in a previous post. It won't be unexpected, though.

Timeline : for me, she was at the hospital and has been there for some time, suffering from a terminal illness; he's at home, because he has to keep on doing his job, not being able to sleep that night, dreading and foreboding the doctor's or the nurse's phone call. Very soon after the woman's death, the hospital calls, informing him that she's just passed away. It's quite early in the morning, dawn is breaking for him, cause he's alive, but she can't - and couldn't - see it. From that time on, time stands still. The phone call keeps being lived again and again, the memory of it keeps reappearing in his mind. Understanding is what he looks for, he's going to project the film in his mind in a loop until it makes sense. And that's the chorus. The perfume is sensory hallucination. She hasn't been there for a time, but he still can smell her perfume because for him, she's still by his side.

"ashes before the glow" : backwards motion. When you make a fire, first it glows, then you get the ashes. She died too young, they didn't have the time to get to the glow of life, the ashes - death - came before the fire could blaze.

"the shadows creeping out" : as I said, it's early dawn. The light of day is slowly replacing the shadows of night - literal meaning - and acceptance begins to take the place of bewilderment.

Thanks again for your comments. Take care.

Hi Steve.

Thanks a lot for your comments.

As a matter of fact, the song doesn't last very long, not even 3 minutes. There's no musical breaks between verses and no musical breaks between verses and choruses. Just quick turnarounds of 1 bar. Verses being made up of 3 lines, we're soon at the end of it.

As for your classification of the different verses. You're right: verses 1 and 2 were written at the same time, then verses 3 and 4 were written on the next day, as an afterthought, as it were. Verse 4, I wanted it to be a bit different, being the last one. So you perfectly classified them.

As for the "intricateness of the lyric", you were right again. Maybe there's something in my other posts that could be of interest to you.

Thanks again for helping me on the way. Take care.

Yann man that's what we're here for. After all we're "just plain folks" lol......good job.

steve

I thought Mulls made a really good analysis of this lyric.

If you want me to feel something for a fictional character who dies – or for the fictional person who loved the fictional dying person – you really have to ace it. Get me inside the singer’s head and give me a perspective I haven’t seen or heard before.

It got me thinking about how a really well crafted songs handles the subject of death. My sister emailed me from California a few days ago and asked me if I knew any good country songs that would be appropriate for a funeral. She told me that the woman who died (at 26) was a country music fan and her mother wanted to play country music at her memorial service. Because she died so young, the first song I thought of was Mark Chesney's "Who you'd be today"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaN2o_uOF_I

But I think a song that doesn't have the multitude of writing weaknesses that Mull's was referring to, and a song that did "raise the bar" on this subject might be Leann Rimes "I Probably wouldn't be this way".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBFlNBsvyxI

There is only one line in it that tips us off that someone died, as apposed to just leaving for instance.

Both songs work very well. In the Mark Chesney song, he sings, "It ain't fair, you died too young" leaving no doubt as to what happened while in the Rimes song, the only lines that gives the situation away is when she sings “You oughta see the way these people look at me when they see me 'round here talking to this stone”

I guess you could make the argument that with a voice like hers, Leann Rimes could sing wire copy and move us, but it’s the writing that impresses me. Of course "country" is just one genre of music and it has it's share of cheezy tear jerkers but when you put together writing craft, musical talent and inspiration, sometimes you get something special. It's rare. That makes it even more compelling for us to try to reach that high.

Hi Michael.

Many thanks for your comments.

Non sequitur, puzzle, disconnection, etc : you are right, the lyric is difficult - impossible - to understand from a logical point of view. As I wrote in my previous posts, it was not intentional to write it like this; but it was part of my "experience" to keep it like this and see what was going to be left of the song once the logical brain of the audience had been angered into flight.

So, what's left? Not much, I'm afraid. It seems that a lot of people have felt the urge to run away with their logical brain. Or maybe it's just because I don't have the talent to use semi-automatic writing properly.

Comparing your critique to Harriet's, there are a lot of common observations. So I suppose I'd better to follow your advice if I want to become a better writer. You can expect a rewrite very soon, in which I'll try to have you say : "that's a good guy, he listened to me!"

Thanks again for your time and consideration. Take care.

Hi Ricki.

Thanks a lot for your post and your kind words.

You perfectly understood what I wanted to convey in verse 3. For this you deserve a Prize, lol.

Please read my other posts, as I don't want to repeat myself again and again. I tried to "explain and justify" myself, not very convincingly, I'm afraid. I'll do a rewrite. And be assured that I'll post the mp3 version of the song as soon as possible. Harriet urged me to get back to work in the meantime, and I don't want to disappoint her - nor any of you, for that matter.

Thanks again, take care.

Hi Sam - Joe?

Thanks for your comments and your kind words.

You seem to represent my "target audience", lol. Not understanding something doesn't mean you don't like it. You feel emotions, and that's the most important thing. When something tastes good, you don't always ask for the recipe. Just for a second helping. I like that.

My problem is: how many "yous" are there out there? Not so many, apparently.

I'll eventually post the music, but I need to do a rewrite first. I understand that meaning has been too much abused in this first version, things have to get more understandable if I want to widen the audience.

I don't think there are French singularities in what I wrote, but of course, I'm prone not to see them. I can see that there's one at least, in my use of rhymes (feminine and masculine). There are no stressed syllables in French : only the last syllable of the last word in a meaningful string of words is going to be mildly accentuated. Therefore, it seems I'm not as shocked as you when I rhyme fish bowl and soul : I know the stress is on fish, not on bowl, but I thought it was just a case of imperfect rhyme.

Once again, many thanks to you for helping me improve. Take care.

Yes,

I just watched the videos you posted the links to. Gave me a thrill no song of mine is able to. Probably because they're good. I mean their songs. I should be jealous. I'm just thankful. Bye for now.

Hello Harriet.

Many thanks for your very enlightening critique. They're usually enlightening. Many thanks also for picking me and giving me the opportunity to get a lot of feedback.

First, I have a question about masculine and feminine rhymes. You and Z. Mulls wrote I couldn't rhyme "shadow" and "glow" or "outside" and "guide" for example. I perfectly understand the difference between feminine and masculine rhymes; I know that "shadow" and "outside" are stressed on the first syllable, not on the second one. But all my rhyming dictionaries - tools that are my reference each time I need to check something - give me those examples above as rhymes, even as perfect/normative rhymes.

Of course, I don't question the value of what you or Z.Mulls say. You're so much ahead of me as far as songwriting is concerned. But I must understand, and for the time being, I'm a bit confused. All the more so that I have most of my rewrite now, and I don't know what to do with these "rhymes".

Could you please give me insight about this before I go on rewriting?

Thanks a lot. I've got other things to tell you, of course, I keep them for later on.

Bye for now. Take care.

Hi Kristi.

Thanks for your feedback.

"I can guess that time has stopped for this person since he/she has been told someone he loves has died." I never could have summed it up better than you did. That's exactly what I tried to convey.

From your other remarks - and what others have said too - I'm now rewriting the lyric. I just hope that the main point of the song, which apparently worked, will not be blurred by all these changes I'm now making.

I'm rewriting all the last lines of the verses. Tell me if they work better when I post my rewrite.

Thanks again for reading and commenting. Take care.

Hi Z.

I like it when someone raises the bar for me. It means respect. It means there's a possibility for me to get better and to hit that bar someday.

I went to your site and saw your achievements. I listened to the songs (well, some of them, there's a whole pack!). It gave me the impression I should pay very close attention to what you wrote.

"I think what you are trying to do here is capture tiny observations at the “moment” you hear that someone close to you has died. That “time stood still” idea." You think right. That's exactly what I wanted to do.

"So you observe small things ... and then the news comes and you drop the phone and sing the chorus."
"I would think hard about whether you have a sense of foreboding and are surprised, or whether you’re waiting for the call"
This is something that wasn't clear in the first version. You hit a nail on the head. For me, the chorus was a scene that kept being replayed, the present tense used regardless of any real, historical chronology. Never in the past nor in the future, always in the present because 1) always reiterativelly present, and 2) out of time.
I'll try to be clearer in the rewrite. Verses 1 and 2 before the call, verses 3 and 4 after the call. And then the last choruses will reappear as flashbacks. I hope it's going to be better this way.

What “may look funny from the outside?”
Well, I'm going to throw this "idea" away altogether, it doesn't seem to work at all. The singer is talking to a dead person, he says "you", not "he "or "she". I had this idea that at one moment he realizes that. Not funny ah ah but funny strange. A man talking to an angel, or to his double. A dialogue between 2 souls. Well, whatever, let's forget it, either it was a bad idea or I can't put proper words on it.

Rhymes : doing the rewrite, that's my main problem, especially as I've got the music already. I asked Harriet about them too, because she says the same thing as you about rhyming feminine and masculine endings. My rhyming dictionaries gave me those rhymes as possible, even perfect. Could you give me more details about the reasons why I should not use these rhymes ? Is there something obvious I should know and which I don't because English is not my native language (nor the one I use in my daily life, for that matter)?

Not everyone agrees on the subject of my keeping or throwing the "ashes". I can replace the line with something clearer. I don't know if I lose some poetry in the bargain.

Thanks again for reading and commenting. Take care.

Hi Lucian.

Thanks a lot for your feedback.

The song didn't work for you, neither did it for Harriet and a few others. This is why I'm now working on a rewrite.

Your main point was I was too direct. That's interesting because other writers have mostly pointed lack of congruity or cryptic phrases. I'm not sure about anything in this world. I'll try not to use the D word in my rewrite and wait for the response. This is part of the experience. So far, I don't know how to write a good song, so I try as many options as I can and wait for the feedback.

My other posts deal with other aspects of the song. Even if they're answers to specific people, feel free to read them. Your feedback will always be welcome.

Thanks again. Take care.

Hi Nightengale,

thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts. A few people here are professional writers. That's cool they let us take advantage of their knowledge. But we're also plain folks writing for plain folks. So any feedback is valuable. I'll read your posts and try to be helpful, if I can.

Thanks a lot. Take care.

Hello again, Harriet.

I've done a rewrite, but I think it'll be more reasonable to wait for your answers to a few questions I have before posting it.

In a previous post, I ask you one question about rhyming. I won't repeat myself here.

The question of before or after the phone call was crucial.
At first, I wrote every verse as happening after the call. Getting the singer notice sensory details in a detached, almost insensitive way, the slow motion thing, is logical only if it happens after the shock. That is: if he was unprepared. That's where I didn't do my homework. Because I also had this idea that she was at the hospital and he was at home. Some problems were sure to occur from these 2 contradictory trends of thought. Being at the hospital for some time is not the same thing as having an accident.

Apart from that, I think that I've already given some answers to the other problems in my previous posts, because - as you said - all the JPFers had also pointed to the problems you write about. So I'll just try to write a synopsis of what I have in mind, hoping that the rewrite will be more faithful to that story, and also clearer.

2 people are in love. They're quite young. They live together. She becomes ill. They soon discover it's a terminal illness. She goes to the hospital, he keeps working and living home. At night, he's alone in his flat.
She becomes weaker and weaker. He lives in the fear of the hospital's phone call that's going to break the tragic news. He knows it's going to happen. He just doesn't know when.
That night, he couldn't sleep. The cat near the fish bowl: a sense of impeding danger. Looking, seeing the outer world: a way to keep his mind occupied, not to fall in the inside hell. Hearing, listening to: same thing, plus indications that dawn is about to break, people in the street, etc.
Maybe he's now in friendly terms with a nurse or a doctor, after his many visits to the hospital. A very short time after the woman passes away, the phone rings, telling him about what just happened.
This moment, he's going to relive it, to "replay" it in his mind again and again. Because it doesn't make sense yet. The chorus is repeated unaltered: time stands still. Only understanding and the beginning of an acceptance of the loved one's death will set time into motion again.
Verses 3 and 4: that is beginning to happen. Of course, he goes on talking to a dead person, as if nothing had happened. But he also starts to see and analyse his situation. He's now going to evolve from the shock to the next phase of mourning.

To conclude - for the time being: I don't know if I'm talking about what I gave you to read (first draft, automatic writing) or if I'm talking about the rewrite. I wanted to do an experience: when are we the most convincing? When we're spontaneous, express ourselves almost without thinking, just letting the words come as they want to? Or when we take the time to think it through, when we carefully choose our words in order to make them say exactly what we want them to say? I wanted to know if I could get more "truth" by giving up some "craft". I think I've got an idea now, from what you write.

Many thanks again. I hope this discussion will go on a bit longer. I'm learning so much I don't feel like quitting just now.

Bye for now. Take care.

Hi Scott.

Thanks for your post, even if it was late. Feel free to post again as we're discussing after Harriet's critique. If you noticed the same things as the others, you're a good reviewer, since Harriet was on the same page. I hope I can learn from your suggestions.

Bye for now. Take care.

Hi Jody.

Thanks for your post. Thanks for the blessings too, I appreciate.

Yes, there's going to be a rewrite and a mp3. Every piece of work should be given the opportunity to reach its full potential, even if that doesn't mean much in some cases.

A lot of explanations have been given in my previous posts to the other JPFers. I won't repeat myself. Please go and read them if you feel like it.

Feel free to post again until the thread is closed. Every comment or suggestion is welcome. It's always interesting to see that different points of view can coexist. No one knows the truth by himself. Truth can't be owned, it must be shared.

Thanks again. Take care.

Yann,

Thanks for checking out my website and songs. Yes there are a lot of songs out there, and even more lyrics. I wish could point people towards the stuff that's strong, and away from the stuff that's weak, but I figure it all shakes out in the end.

Rhyming is easy to understand even if you don't think in terms of "masculine" and "feminine" -- the rhyme occurs on a stressed syllable. I'm not going to tell you not to use a rhyming dictionary, I use one myself. But it's not the final word. You have to assess each word to see if the rhyme is strong and if the word fits in the style you're writing in. I'm suspicious of a rhyming dictionary that rhymes "one" with "second" though.

"Second" is a two-syllable word, and the stress is on the first syllable. You have to rhyme the *first* syllable, and the second syllable has to match. "Second" rhymes with "beckoned" or "reckoned," not with "one." If English is not your first language, you might not always "feel" where the stress really comes - that will trip you up, like it did here. You can rhyme "one" with a two-syllable word like "begun" because in that word the second syllable is stressed.

Lyric writing is matching the natural rhythm of the words with the rhythm of the music, wherever the music goes. And the stresses at the end of the lines will tell you where to put your rhymes (or when to leave them out).

I'd stop trying to rhyme the middle line of each verse. It's giving you a restriction that is getting in your way.

You want verses 3&4 to be at a different time than 1&2. I'm not sure that's a wise choice. You are on to something, freezing that moment when the phone call comes. You want to focus on that, explore that, and not get distracted by trying to shift time in the narrative.

So this is a woman, important in "your" life, and "you" get a call she has passed. WHY AREN'T YOU THERE? You better think that question through and find a way to address it.

You may want to sit down and write -- without trying to rhyme or fit music -- all sorts of things you might notice at that moment, when the phone call comes. Fill a page up with ideas. Then pick the best ones to set to music and rhyme.

As others have pointed out, saying "died" or "death" really hammers it home too hard. Can you say it without SAYING it.

This sense of things standing still when the news comes, it's a good idea, though it's not a new one. The best song of this type is Willliam Finn's song about his mother's death called "When the World Stopped Turning" -- but you have to find your personal way to say it. Start with what you want to say and then turn it into music.

Harriet talks about facts and truth. My take on a similar track is that in writing you have to tell the truth, but you have to lie about it. Tell the truth first, then change what you have to to make it "sing" -- but the truth is the base of it. Observe first, write second.

It is a big deal to write a death song. You are asking for our sympathy and empathy. Harriet is right that there is a sense of betrayal if you kill someone in a song and don't give us any reason to be invested in it. You have to make us understand it's important. Keep the idea simple and weave your song around it.

Good luck.

Hi Z,

thanks a lot for your new post.

What you say is very interesting: I'm going to think it through so as my rewrite takes all this into account.

As for the rhymes, your "definition" is quite clear.

My rhyming dictionary is Rhymesaurus. It gives "second" as a light rhyme - as well as a final syllable rhyme and an assonance - for "one".
It also gives me "glow" for "shadow" and "guide" for "outside", both as perfect/normative rhymes.

You and Harriet mentioned the word "betrayal". At the moment, I feel betrayed by a dinosaur.

I'm working on a rewrite and I'll post it soon. Feel free to review it, your advice is very valuable.

Thanks, take care.

Hello everyone.

Since it's been a while since I last received news from a JPFer, I'm now trying to post a rewrite. It might trigger a new fire of comments. At least I hope so. Please tell me what you think now.
Thank you.

Here's the rewrite:

A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
© 2009 YANN CAUSERET
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Verse 1
The cat is crouching near the fish bowl
A man is waving on the screen
The kids are sighing in their dreams

Verse 2
Some clouds are gathering in silence
A car is coasting down the street
The upstairs neighbors do not sleep

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verse 3
I’m standing right here by the window
The night is creeping off the square
You’ve never sat down in that chair

Verse 4
The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I clear my voice to say a prayer
I don’t want the kids to think life’s unfair

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Verses 5 & 6 (instrumental)

Chorus
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Chorus out
I DROP THE PHONE AND LET MY BODY DO ITS BEST
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THIS DAWN
I COULDN’T BE THERE; SOMETHING’S PILING UP ON MY CHEST
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE
A NURSE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE GONE

Hey, Yann, I think the best thing to do now is just put it to music and put it up on the MP3 boards, I'll look out for it there and give you my honest feedback. To me, it is always about how the music and lyrics work together, so I don't normally judge lyrics on their own, as I might change my mind completely when I hear the song in its finished version.

And I think it always important to bear in my mind that the suggestion I, or anyone else make, are not necessarily the right things to do. For all I, or anyone else knows, you may go on to be the greatest French writer of the 21st Century! Always trust your own instinct and continuing to write more will make that instinct become stronger and stronger.

All the best,

Lucian

Hello, Yann and everyone else,

I just checked in late last night. I've been (and still am) involved in the mix of the movie I've been working on for the last couple of years (that I'm in, on camera, doing the songs!) so I really haven't had time to answer your questions, Yann. I'm so sorry. I see others have done well doing so. I'll check back in when I have some time. I usually love reading the comments after the writer writes his, after mine, but this time I haven't been able to stay on the board for any time. Thanks for understanding.

Great to see some healthy discussion going on! Thanks to Harriet and Yann and everyone else for pumping some life back into this program.

Yann, where in France are you from?

Brian

Hello Brian.

I'm from Castellane. That's the name of a small town (rather a big village, actually), situated in the South of France, about 100 kms from the French Riviera, in the mountains, and the gate to a very famous site for tourism called the "Verdon Gorges". Great landscape, but very few people when the season is off. Hot in the summer, cold in the winter. Beaches and ski resorts not very far. No pollution. That sounds like a great place to be, but it can be pretty boring too because there aren't many cultural activities. A place to find oneself back, but you need a car to get to more "civilized" areas regularly.

I hope this "healthy" discussion will go on a little while.

And by the way, Brian: I'd like to tell you that you're doing a great job running these forums. I've learned a great deal since I registered. I intend to learn even more in the future. So, once again, well done and thanks a lot.

Bye for now, take care.

Yann.

Well... we loved Villefranche Sur Mer and Le Puy En Velay. Both places I could probably live if I was over in Europe. Both small towns and I think you aren't all that far from Villefranche (probably less than 100 kilometres). The internet makes the world a small place. Google Earth helps as well.

Brian

Hi everyone.

I've just uploaded a rough worktape (some wrong notes and all) of my song on Soundclick.

It's been recorded very quickly, so you can hear these lyrics we're discussing with a melody.

I'm giving here the link.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7459015

Hey Yann:

Just checked out your mp3. I like the melody - feels like a good fit to the lyric.

I like your rewrite too. The only thing I'm not crazy about is replacing "somebody" with "nurse".

I might get some disagreement on this but I think "somebody" works better. Sure, "nurse" makes it clearer what's going on - but I think most people would figure it out anyway.

I'm not sure I can put it into words but the use of "somebody" actually deepens the feel of the song to me - he is being told by someone he doesn't even know that the person he loved is gone. That alone is something that could induce the feeling of unreality that comes through in the verses...

Anyway, just one opinion....

EDIT: just read Harriet's comment on this issue - yeah, maybe a phrase like "some voice" or "a stranger" would work better and still maintain the feel that the use of "somebody" gives....

Scott

Hi Scott.

Thanks for your comments.

I'm glad you like the melody and the rewrite.

"Somebody", yes, I kinda liked it better too, but I did the rewrite trying to take into account as many comments as I could, especially Harriet's comments of course.

I'm waiting for Harriet - and all the other JPFers - to tell me what she thinks now, if she can make the time. I hope I was able to improve the song a little bit. But, whether I did or I didn't, let me know the truth.

Thanks again. Take care,

Yann.

I'm late to the party, most likely...have not read any responses because I wanted to give you a fair unswayed ;-) first impression from me.

Love the image you start out with on verse one, but this line just pops up
out of nowhere:

My eyes are windows to my soul

On to the next:

The clock is ticking hours and seconds
I can hear voices down the street
The clouds are marching one by one

Now, if you are inside watching the cat, hearing the clock, and hearing the
people outside...how are you seeing the clouds march by (looking out the
window?) I guess it needs to be spelled out for me.

The chorus comes as a shock, which puts me in the same situation as the singer
and the image of dropping the phone and running his fingers through his hair works.

I'm completely lost on what you are trying to say here:

Verse 3
The wind is blowing and the shadows
Are slowly creeping out our place
The ashes came before the glow

Verse 4
It may look funny from the outside
Like two angels face to face
But passion used to be our guide

Maybe if you tried lines with imagery of how these two people were together,
their relationship is a mystery to me so I can't really FEEL anything. Hope
I've helped a little!

Well, I should read the responses before posting mine...didn't realize how late I was!!! Listening to your rewrite now, it seems too busy to me. I liked the original chorus and the idea of time freezing or everything happening in slow motion...I would love to see you go back to that original intent.

Hi Brenda.

Thanks a lot for your feedback.

Your first review was good, as you mentioned the same flaws as the others in the posts you hadn't read before.

As for the comparison between the first draft and the rewrite, I hope some points are now better, but I may have lost something in the process too. Maybe I'll have to mix and blend things a little. It's now becoming more and more difficult to keep an objective eye on lyrics I've lived with for days and transformed many times now.

Thanks again. Bye for now, take care,

Yann.