JPF Home Page Forums Post Week 3: (March 8th) Entries Here

Hi Folks,

After a great second week, we're ready to collect the entries for our second weekly Mentor Critique session. If you'd like to be considered, please post your lyric or lyric with an MP3 file link (both are acceptable) here with all your info and a brief intro on what you hope to accomplish with the work. Do not post anything that you aren't open to critiques on. If it's 100% finished in your mind, then don't waste the opportunities for others. We prefer that you enter something different than previously entered. (Harriet has already reviewed all previous entries so it's unlikely she'd choose a repeat this time around). Also please remember that this isn't a "contest." She's is NOT choosing the best lyric or lyric/mp3. She is looking for the one that will provide the most interesting educational and discussion opportunities.

So please post below and in two days (March 10th) Harriet will choose this weeks entry. Then you'll all have a chance to critique it yourself before we post hers and have final discussion. See previous 2 weeks to get an idea of what we do.

Also remember, if your lyric or lyric/mp3 isn't chosen, but you'd like to have Harriet do a critique on it anyway, she does offer professional services. As you can see from the last session, she's very thorough and knows what she is doing. Also, she has complete on-line courses and real time students in Southern California if you live nearby.

Good luck,

Brian

Yes. It has been a great two weeks in JPF history Brian and I congratulate you on the forethought, and thank Harriet for her time and dedication.
Okay.
I'm hooked on the concept, so submit Save The Children which I recorded the demo of today.
It is aimed at a choral production, and the demo is my loungeroom attempt at getting somewhere near the feel of that.
Some of the bends came out a bit chipmunkish, but I tried, and it is clear enough.
In E I believe.
Thank you both, and all.
Graham
Song post link: http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/viewtrack.php?trackid=54715

Download Link: http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/index.php?Download=54715

Save The Children
Lyric © Copyright Graham Henderson APRA 2005
People. Lets all. Show the world how.
We can save the children.
Now.

Save the children. Keep them from harm.
Don’t let them be. Forced to bear arms.

Save the children. Educate them.
So they grow wise. Women and men.
Save the children. Foster each need.
Don’t let children. Ever want for a feed.

Save the children. Be worthy of trust.
They are our future. Dependant on us.
Save the children. That duty is ours.
For we make the rules. We have the powers.

Save the children. Be their best friend.
You know someday we’ll be. Dependant on them.
Save the children. They are our gold. So.
Offer a hand. They can safely hold.

Be their protector. Be a good guide.
Let them see. They are safe at your side.
Let them be children. As long as need be.
Don’t let them be prey. To depravity.

They are our future. So please make a vow.
To save the children. Now.
All it takes is love and respect.
That’s not too much, for a child to expect. So.
Stand and be counted. Show the world how.
We can save the children.
Now.

Lyrics only - my idea was to use the - hook as a play on - queer eye for the straight guy - title - only here it's the " my fair lady theme' with country people fixing a city boy and presenting him at the bar. It's a light hearted male country lyric. Probably a little lengthy.


Country Eye For The City Guy

Mike Parrish

V1.)
The call came in, at a quarter past ten
I hadda beat big Bobby to the station
Didn't worry 'bout Earl, he's got a new girl
And Vernon is on vacation
The captain stepped in, looking kind of grim
As we waited for an explanation
S'not a trailer fire or downed power wire
Or another round with Miss' Carla's kitty
It's my wife's cousin' son, his options are none
He's got to move here from a northern city
(chorus)
Let's put a country eye, on this city guy
So he can make it in our rural world
We'll lend a helpin' hand, to this urban man
He can hook-up with some country girls
Earl can do 'is clothes, Carla the Dosie Doe's
And Bobby and me'll do his diction
Some Western suits, hat and cowboy boots
He'll two-step his way inta fiction
V2.)
Got 'im a place to stay, be ready in a day
After hauling in the other section
we'll lose the sedan, get a truck for the man
that can pass a NASCAR inspection
gotta change his hair, no need for mousse up there
and will darken 'is iv'ry complexion
He's gonna pass the test, we'll take care of the rest
He don't need to worry about a thing
got a rumor going round, bout the new guy in town
being a descendent of Elvis the King
Chorus
V3.)
Friday night at the pub, sucking down a cold Bud
The time came to offer our creation
It didn't take long, and we hadn't gone wrong
The Gal's were on him, no hesitation
The tall and the small, even some 'n overalls
Tried to strike up conversation
He had it down pat, and as he tipped his hat
He'd say, "how d'ya do", sorta shyly
For crying out loud, Ang and Barn would be proud
Like when Ernest T met Mrs. Wiley
Chorus

I’m A True Believer

© 2007 W.L. “Bill” Cooper

Lyric only.

The idea was to write a campaign “theme song” and pitch it to the candidate willing to run as an American first and a Democrat or Republican second. The problem is I doubt that that type of candidate exit anymore?

Chorus
I'm a true believer in America
I salute the red, white and blue.
Sweet land of liberty....My faith resides in thee
America ......I Believe In You

V-1
I believe in independence
with responsibility.
Where free men pull together
to be all they can be.

I believe the words of Lincoln
and Martin Luther King
This land must stand for justice
where all men dare to dream.

Chorus
I'm a true believer in America
I salute the red, white and blue.
Sweet land of liberty....My faith resides in thee
America ......I Believe In You

V-2
I believe in troubled times
good men can disagree.
And leave it to the ballot box
to chart their destiny.

Some may say we've lost our way
but I still believe we can.
Rally ‘round the stars and strips
like brothers once again.

bridge
I've felt New York tremble, I watched the towers fall.
Saw men of many colors, respond to duties call.
They sacrificed, their precious lives
heroes through and through.
Braved smoke and flame, blood, tears and pain,
'cause they believed in you.

Chorus
I'm a true believer in America
I salute the red, white and blue.
Sweet land of liberty....My faith resides in thee
America ......I Believe In You

This one I am not happy with. I think it can be fixed though I am at a loss to figure out what to do with it.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=15523&songID=1816176

Dear Santa (c) Rick Goggin 2004

V1
Dear Santa, when's my daddy coming home?
Mommy's feeling so alone,
but she still takes care of us.
V2
Oh Santa, I don't think it'd be too much,
for baby Lee to feel his touch.
Since she was born when he was gone.
Br1
Oh Santa, my daddy's fighting in the war.,
Please Santa, do you know what they're fighting for?
If you do please tell me.
V3
Santa, I've been good as gold all year,
But my daddy's still not here,
and I want you to bring him home.
v4
Santa, who'll put the star up on the tree?
It's much to high for me to reach.
It always was my daddy's job.
Br2
Oh Santa, my mommy cries each night from fear
and Santa only he can dry her tears,
If you can please help her.
V5
Santa, I'm not asking for myself,
and I won't ask for nothing else,
if you bring my daddy home.
Please just bring my daddy home.
Won't you bring my daddy home.

Lyric only entry ....

The first verse of this one raises some questions, but I think by the end of second verse, it’s clear what the song is about. Or is it ?


Six Strings and Two Hearts

(verse 1)
it’s been so many nights
I stopped counting years ago
the chances they would come
but I’d just let ‘em roll
my friends just quit asking
guess they feel time will bring me around
but the days just take me farther away
from the last time I heard the sound

(chorus)
of those six strings ,and two hearts
and a song written by two little angels
I can still hear you crying
at the words they wrote that day
and we’d sing ,that song
and the smiles on those two little faces
erased all the hard times we went through
God only knows how... I miss you

(verse 2)
I still go out on Friday
but I always get home alone
I keep telling myself
it might be time to let it go
one day the gals will quit askin
and younger guys will come around
yea the days keep takin me farther away
from the last time I heard that sound

(chorus)
of those six strings and two hearts
and a song written by two little angels
I can still hear you crying
at the words they wrote that day
and we’d sing that song
and the smiles on those two little faces
erased all the hard times we went through
God only knows how ...I miss you

(bridge)
guess you gave me, all the love
I’d ever be needing

(chorus 2)
we had six strings and two hearts
and a song written by two little angels
I can still hear you crying
at the words they wrote that day
and we’d sing that song
and the smiles on those two little faces
erased all the hard times we went through
I’m sure you know by now ... how I miss you

Here's one that I wrote after the 9/11 attack. Sorry, but I have never recorded it.It's in an AABA structure.

Freedom Land Words and music by Franklin A. Vassallo copyright 2002
V1.
C Em Am C
Freedom Land precious land of freedom
Am Em Dm G7
Bounty springing therefrom Freedom Land

V2.
C Em Am C
Freedom Land your forefathers bore you
Am Em G7 C
Risked their fortunes for you Freedom Land

Bridge:
Dm C
A land where all may make their way
F G7
where none are held in sway.
D7 Em
Are free to worship as they choose
Dm Dm7 G G7
Are free to profit or to lose.

V3.
C Em Am C
Freedom Land let no rule forestall you
Am C G7 C
Let no harm befall you Freedom Land.

V4.
Freedom Land America I hail you
Others may assail you tall you stand.

V5.
Feedom Land shine your beacon proudly
Send your message loudly Land to land.

Brige#2
To ev'ry place where none are free
To all around the world.
To all who cherish liberty
Let flags of freedom be unfurled.

V6.
Freedom Land hear this lyric of you
Untold millions love you Freedom Land.

Sorry but the chords don't seem to track where I put them.

Hello,

I took Brian's challenge and wrote a new song. This is country but also closer to my style as a singer/songwriter. This is a song about love, or the lack thereof, regret, and forgiveness. I did put my bridge in an unusual place...

Here is the link:
http://www.songramp.com/mod/mps/viewprivtrack.php?trackid=49518

Standing Here

1. I was twelve years old when I found out
Why my parent’s eyes were blue and mine were brown
I was momma’s girl before she married
And daddy never loved me.

2. I was fifteen years old when I ran away
Momma cried and dad celebrated that day
I hid ‘till he shut off the porchlight
Then I stood there crying in the night.

Now I’m standing here
With tears on my face
And all the things I can’t change
You don’t see me
So I latched the gate and dried my tears
It’s far too late to be standing here.

3. I left that town with my second chance
I learned to love and I learned to dance
Sometimes I missed my mother
I couldn’t stop thinking of her.

4. I was forty-two when I found out
Mom was gone and buried north of that town
So I drove through quietly
And parked at the cemetery.

Now I’m standing here
With tears on my face
And all the things I can’t change
You don’t see me

Momma, I’m here to forgive you and me
So we can both rest in peace.

Then I latched the gate and dried my tears
It’s far too late to be standing here.

© March 7, 2007 Vondelle L. Hebert

I wrote a new one too. Only a couple days old. Lyric only. I'd no doubt do more changing with longer to work on it. I even changed one line after I pasted it here (Excuses you see <G>)
Somebody inspired this. who the heck was that?. Oh well, someone on the board. A little autobiographical, (Whew, that's a big one),thrown in. Country I s'pose. I always hear a "head tune", but nothing I can post. I guess I'd hear it kinda' slow tempo but not extremely slow
Wy
(Vondelle, may just be me, but your song took all my volume and then I could barely hear it. If others can hear it, I'll check into my controls.)

Angel Of Mercy

V 1
He thought he was in heaven
She appeared through the haze
Seemed to float in the door
He felt her hand on his face
The pain a green devil
She killed him somehow
Drifted back into dreamland
On a fleecy, silver lined cloud

Pre C
He didn't know she'd been coming for days
Tending his needs on the bed where he lay

C
She was an angel of mercy
A vision in white
She nurtured the wounded
They called her day or night
She never refused them
She always found time
An angel of mercy
In his darkness a light

V 2
As his vision grew clearer
She began to take form
Although he couldn't speak
The pain was worse than before
She seemed to sense it
Sent him back to his dream
When he woke he felt better
The pain just a bad memory

Pre C
She said, you'll remember your fall on that day
But you can thank God for erasing the pain

C
She was an angel of mercy
A vision in white
She nurtured the wounded
They called her day or night
She never refused them
She always found time
An angel of mercy
In their darkness a light

VONDELLE- Your song didn't play. You have two other songs that open with the same interface and they played, so I think you might have uploaded an empty file. I like your lyrics.

Lyrically I think this may have commercial potential. Musically it needs more help. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=31052&songID=1080501

Too Bad (You'll Be Coming Home)


As you wake up in the morning
And you look into my eyes
You stagger to the bathroom
To make up your disguise
You seem married to your coffee
When you say your goodbyes

I'm not sure I see you leaving
It might be part of my dream
Feels good being left alone
No one to make a scene
I find comfort in my slumber
And keep my self esteem

Too bad, (you'll be coming home)
So sad, (you'll be coming home)
I'm mad, (you'll be coming home)
There's nothing you can do
To make me still want you
Too bad...
You'll be coming home

A rainbow comes through my window
Shining a prism of light
I'm amazed by the colors
Our life's been black and white
But the sunlight will be ending
When you come home tonight

Too bad, (you'll be coming home)
So sad, (you'll be coming home)
I'm mad, (you'll be coming home)
There's nothing you can do
To make me still want you
Too bad...
You'll be coming home

Stuck in your tangled web
Cuffed as my rights are read
But I feel better, dear
When you are not here

Too bad, (you'll be coming home)
So sad, (you'll be coming home)
I'm mad, (you'll be coming home)
There's nothing you can do
To make me still want you
Too bad...
You'll be coming home

Here is my entry for this week. The sound track is on www.soundclick.com/teddiecochran

Tired of Being Lonely
© 2005 Music & Lyrics Teddie Cochran

c.
I'm gettin' tired of being tired of being lonely
I'm tired of never quite being me
So put your warm loving arms around me
Let this night be everything a love should be.
Cause I'm tired of being tired of being lonely
Oh, I'm tired of never quite being me

v.1
It's a hard thing to be
Broken hearts and broken dreams
Where the end does not justify the means
A longing for a love
A weeping hearts desperate cry for love
I'm gettin' tired of being tired of being lonely

c
I'm gettin' tired of being tired of being lonely
I'm tired of never quite being me
So put your warm loving arms around me
Let this night be everything a love should be.
Cause I'm tired of being tired of being lonely
Oh, I'm tired of never quite being me

v.2
It's a hard thing to please
Bitter hearts and angry screams
When a love was never meant to be
A perfect alibi
Another pack of lies
I've been alone enough for one lifetime.
I'm gettin' tired of being tired of being lonely

c
I'm gettin' tired of being tired of being lonely
I'm tired of never quite being me
So put your warm loving arms around me
Let this night be everything a love should be.
Cause I'm tired of being tired of being lonely
Oh, I'm tired of never quite being me

Good luck everyone, gotta run.

Best Regards,

Teddie Cochran
www.teddiecochran-music.com

Medium slow tempo... a bit dark but I'm going through a stage.. Thanks for looking

known fault... meter is pretty much the same on the verse and chours...

Hell on earth
By Noel Downs Copyright

Some where in the twilight, a million miles from home,
Knowing I must be somewhere, but don’t know where to go,
Caught up at the crossroads, needing some sort of light,
I know have to turn here, but is it left or right?

Hell on earth is a real place,
Where all your friends are mean,
You can’t say it’s not real,
If it’s a place you’ve never been,
Maybe I’m just crazy,
Living among the blind,
Hell on earth is a real place,
Where I spend all my time.

Shelter where light can’t touch you, and take away your mind,
You can’t even trust yourself, where dark things like to hide,
Shadows can offer safety, it’s not easy to survive,
Darkness is the keeper of shadows, but he’ll often tell you lies,

[Guitar solo]

Hidden within the maze of life, is a path to set you free,
Too many of the wrong turns, lead beyond insanity,
So much time is wasted when only one thing is for sure,
You might have once had a choice, but its not yours anymore.

Hell on earth is a real place,
Where all your friends are mean,
You can’t say it’s not real,
If it’s a place you’ve never been,
Maybe I’m just crazy,
Living among the blind,
Hell on earth is a real place,
Where I spend all my time.

(Lyric Only)

I wrote this today, had a lot of fun while writing it:))
I was watching the intro to the Dukes of Hazzard T.V. Show
and one of the guys was putting the Deputy's gun back in his holster and this title popped in my head and I just ran with it.
I have a question if it's too much, or could someone want to cut it? It's playful and Sassy...Thanks for your time!(Female Country)

Holster That Thing


Don’t... even try it…
You’ll be waistin’ your time
Boy betta’ fight it…
Betta’ take a Cold Shower Tonight

If you want me to stay…
You better put it away…

Chorus

You better Holster that thing
Jimmy Lee
I’m not the kinda’ Girl that you think
Don’t think a T.V. dinner’s gonna’ get you the Best of Me
You better Holster that thing
Mr. Please
I’m not one of your Guitar Strings
You better learn to play the fiddle ‘cause your not gonna’ play with me
Until I see that Wedding Ring and you down on One of those knees…
You better Holster That Thing

Don’t... make excuses
No you won’t go blind…
Boy… don’t be foolish…
I know you’re not gonna’ Die
(Nice Try)

If you don’t want me to run
You betta’ put away that Gun…

Chorus repeats

Bridge:

I’m not fallin’ for one of those lines
Betta’ know Momma’ taught me right…

Chorus repeats





Dana L. Matthews March 8th 2007©All Rights Reserved

Hello there,

Someone first alerted me to the problem with my soundfile earlier as I was leaving for an appointment. I think the best thing for me to do is make my submission, lyric only. I will try to fix it but I am not even sure what caused the problem to begin with. Sorry for the frustration.

Vondelle

Lyric only.

I always thought it would be interesting to write a followup, or perhaps a sequel, to another song. For instance, whatever became of Father McKenzie after he wiped the dirt from his hands as he walked from Eleanor Rigby's grave? I haven't written that particular story, but I did try to take on the cause of the guy who was asked by SYLVIA'S MOTHER to "please don't say nothing to make her start crying and stay."

I've used a few familiar references from the original song, but this one basically adds previously unknown information about the singer and sort of updates the listener on HIS life. I envision it as the same type of story-telling, folk rock song that the wonderful Shel Silverstein was so good at writing.

Hello, Mrs. Avery
© 2007 Greg C. Brown

Hello Mrs. Avery, and how are you today?
I'm probably the last one you thought would ever call.
I ran across a picture of Sylvia and me,
And thought I'd take a chance to see if you and I could talk.

I still live on Baltic, it's just outside of town.
My ex-wife lives in Richmond; we get along okay.
Is Sylvia still married? What was her husband's name?
I'm sure she's just as beautiful as when she went away.

CHORUS
Galveston's a long, long way,
I never tried to make her stay.
Her happiness was all that mattered then.
And though it hurt to watch her leave,
I did the thing you asked of me:
I let her go and never called again.

Hello Mrs. Avery, I hear that you've been sick.
There's been a nasty virus that's going all around.
I had a cold myself last week but now I'm feeling fine.
So, just how many boys and girls does Sylvia have now?

Me, I've got two daughters; they both live with their mom.
The older one's in high school; she always makes good grades.
Her eyes are green like springtime, her smile's as big as life.
She sort of looks like Sylvia when she was just that age.

CHORUS

Hello Mrs. Avery, they say that we'll get snow;
We haven't had much winter, so I'm sure we're overdue.
The air has gotten colder and skies are turning grey.
Does Sylvia still mention me when she comes visit you?

When I saw that picture the years came flooding back.
I sure would like to see her to catch up on the past.
Perhaps she's much too busy; I doubt I'd have the time
Because the days are getting short and life goes by so fast.

CHORUS
Galveston's a long, long way…,
…I let her go and never called again.
Until today, I never called again.

Hello Mrs. Avery, it's time to say goodbye.
I'm not sure why I called you, I hope you didn't mind.
It could've been self-pity or curiosity,
But when you talk to Sylvia, please tell her that I'm fine.

Last Call today for entries. I will have Harriet choose this weeks Lyric or Lyric/MP3 and we'll post it tomorrow.

Brian

Children's Song------Seems the lullaby worked too good! So, I had to write its counterpart---a wake-up song.


Time to Rise and Shine

Wake up! Wake up!
Can’t you hear the clock?
It’s time for the sleepy ship
To leave the loading dock

Ahoy! it’s time to rise and shine
Don’t let me hear you whine
Yes, it’s time to rise and shine
Lest Daddy paddle your behind

Wake up! Wake up!
Do I have to pry your eyes?
It’s time to dip your oars
Down into the icy brine

Ahoy! it’s time to rise and shine
Don’t let me hear you whine
Yes, It’s time to rise and shine
Lest Daddy paddle your behind

Early to bed, early to rise
Makes you healthy, wealthy and wise

Ahoy! it’s time to rise and shine
Don’t let me hear you whine
Yes, It’s time to rise and shine
Lest Daddy paddle your behind (last time through—a lift)

© March 2007 Royaldghtr

This is a lyric only. It actually has music, but has not been recorded yet; which is probably a good thing. It has an upbeat folk/bluegrass feel.

Fair Weather Friend
©2006 Joanne Lurgio/BMI

V1
I never paid no mind when the old folks sighed,
“My how the time does fly.”
Those words of the wise just didn’t apply
To this young girl running wild

Lift
‘Til I made the connection, when I saw my reflection
Truth hit me straight between the eyes

Chorus
I’ve been blinded by the blazin’ sun; I’ve been chasing changin' winds
Don’t know where I’m goin’, there’s no trace of where I’ve been
Everywhere I run, I hear the beating of the drum, XXXX
It’s time marching on, like a fair- weather friend

V2
Now, I spend my days in the corporate craze
Just working for the measly raise
Few words of praise, just another catch phrase
And I crash in a fiery blaze

Lift
Time to change my direction, no need for perfection
Truth hit me straight between the eyes

Bridge
I want to stand with both feet on the ground
Remember me, smile and be proud
Before that final beat has faded away
Want to make my place; want to have my say

Chorus
I’ve been blinded by the blazin’ sun; I’ve been chasing changin' winds
Don’t know where I’m goin’, there’s no trace of where I’ve been
Everywhere I run, I hear the beating of the drum, XXXX
It’s time marching on like a fair- weather friend.
Time marches on … like a fair-weather friend.

I have this in my head as an up-beat type rock song. I just wrote these lyrics today, so I do not have any music or genre set.

CRY BABY

V1:
I know that you're strong
and that he did you wrong.
So why do you put up a front?

V2:
I know that you're hurt,
and your boyfriend's a jerk.
It's time to give that asshat a punt.

You gotta...

Chorus:
Cry, baby, cry
There's no use in hiding it.
Cry, baby, cry
So please stop denying it.
Cry, baby, cry
Just let it all go!
Cry, baby, cry
And let your tears flow!

V3:
Don't give him the chance
to get back in your pants.
He'll just end up hurting you more.

V4:
Look right past his pleas
and false apologies
Show him out your front door.

And...

Repeat Chorus here

Bridge:
Cryin' baby doesn't mean that you're weak
And a little smudged mascara doesn't mean you're meek.
Sometimes baby you gotta let emotions show!
It's the only way to move on and grow!

Instrumental part...

V5:
Stop all the lies and
The lame alibis
Know that it's never too late.

V6:
Realize he's draggin' you down
You don't need him around
Cut the line and drop that dead weight.

Repeat Chorus here

Genre: Showtune
Music: Not finished (Kind of a Cole Porter sound.)


You Is My Favorite ©2003 J.M. Richardson(Bullock)
1.
You is my favorite pronoun,
Love is my favorite verb.
I’d like to put I before the two
If I could only work up the nerve..

Chorus:
I is always subjective.
When it comes to you,
I can’t be objective.
My favorite point of view
is second person you.

2. We is my favorite plural;
one that I’d like to explore.
If I could be we as in you and me
I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Chorus:
I is always subjective.
When it comes to you,
I can’t be objective.
My favorite point of view
is second person you.

Bridge:
So far it’s all been just grammatical;
now it’s becoming problematical.
How can I turn you and me
into my favorite we?

Chorus:
I is always subjective.
When it comes to you,
I can’t be objective.
My favorite point of view
is second person you.

Okay... I am cutting off new entries this week so Harriet has a chance to review them tonight. I will post the new selection tomorrow (Saturday). Once it is posted then we'll have all of you give your critiques on it.

Thanks,

Brian