JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Possible first single; already on soundtrack

Please let me know if the lyrics are self-explanatory. I don't want to spell out the scenario. I still want the listener to use his/her imagination. But is the picture pretty clear?

I'm the One

VERSE
I'm the one you're cryin' to
When she's had enough of you
I told you right from the start
That she was playin' with your heart
If she really loved you so
Would she keep taking you back then letting you go?--- No!
Why do you constantly act like a fool
And give her power to walk over you?

CHORUS
I'm the one you want and I'm the one you really need
I'm the one who's giving you the love I have in me
I'm the one who'll get you, you're gonna see

VERSE
I'm the one who's always there
Keeping you wrapped up in care
Look into my eyes sometime
You may be blind...
If you don't see that we're meant to be
Boy you make me so angry
So, come on and open your eyes
And realize you've already got the prize

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Wait and see, one kiss from me
Will make you understand
How my heart and yours are intertwined
I feel your pain, do you feel mine?
My love, do you feel my love?
'Cause baby, time to show and prove
And tell you I'm the one- I'm the one!

CHORUS

Howdy Jomarq,

Welcome to JPF...Nice to see you posting. The folks here are a pretty great group..willing to help us all improve.

I think your lyrics are definitely self explanatory. I didn't have any trouble figuring out what the scenario is here. What I did note, however, were a few places where the meter is way off...ie this line:
Would she keep taking you back then letting you go?--- No!
and in the chorus also, the lines there do not meter correctly to my ear.

In V2..the emphasis in the word 'angry' falls on the 'ang' syllable, which makes it a tough word to rhyme with the word 'be' above it. In the bridge, rhyming the word love with
prove doesn't work well either, since you have a short UH sound in LOVE and the long OO sound in PROVE. Just because two words have a similar spelling does not a good rhyme make.. ;-) I wanted to rewrite your bridge a bit..so I tinkered with it. Keep or toss.

Just some ideas for your consideration!

Keep writing and posting,
Bobbie

BRIDGE
Wait and see,
one kiss from me
Will make you understand
How your heart and mine
are intertwined
It seems so neatly planned
I feel your pain
It's such a shame
My love, do you feel mine?
Now is the time
Give me a sign
Don't keep me on the line
Please tell me I'm the one!
Tell me I'm the only one

Thank you for responding Bobbie. I like the verse you wrote but I had written the lyrics to already existing music so, I had to keep each section within a certain number of beats.
Although the rhythm seems hard to follow, it matches the music- a jazz/r&b groove.
In the bridge, "love" doesn't rhyme with "prove", it ryhmes with "one."--It's a little hard to convey. As soon as I upload the song, I'll let you know where you can listen. I would love for you hear it.

Thank you for responding Bobbie. I like the verse you wrote but I had written the lyrics to already existing music so, I had to keep each section within a certain number of beats.
Although the rhythm seems hard to follow, it matches the music- a jazz/r&b groove.
In the bridge, "love" doesn't rhyme with "prove", it rhymes with "one." (Kinda)--It's a little hard to convey. As soon as I upload the song, I'll let you know where you can listen. I would love for you hear it.

Thanks Jomarq, for the info. I will look forward to hearing this with the music. When a song lyric is posted here, we generally assume (I know, we shouldn't ever assume anything) that the poster wants feedback. My comments were just an opinion...which, since this one is considered finished, are irrelevant. The best of luck with it.

Bobbie

Hey! I really like it. You mentioned it would be on a soundtrack. I am curious to know what soundtrack and are you the one singing it? What genre, I knwo that pop music starts with the track first so I am curious to know if thats how you did it. I would love to know more about the song and your others.

Andrea
andyrosie@n2mail.com

Thanks Bobbie.

Hey Andrea, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for responding. The song appears on a Japanese snowboarding video called "Dogleg Soldier." They didn't release an audio soundtrack yet, hopefully soon.
But I will be re-recording it for my own use in the states and yes I am singing too.
The song is actually a jazz/r&b type groove that was made by a hip-hop producer. Hip-hop is usually track first also. I didn't know that's how they did pop too.
I'll post when you can go hear the song after I upload it. I appreciate your interest.

Don't want to sound "dismissive" here; but what exactly are you looking for?
It seems as though you've got a "done deal" and are simply looking for approbation rather than any intensive critique.
Just my take on it; personally, I'd rather have some hard feedback of the kind that Bobbie gave.
Please don't take offense!!!.......this is strictly an off-the-cuff observation that only has to do with the object of the board and nothing to do with the tune itself. I reiterate; only a "general" observation that in no way is inclined towards the personal!
('nuff blab from this corner... ;o) )

Hi...and Welcome..will try to catch
Your songwhen it's on line and can hear it...
Even if you don't use the good information
Bobbie was able to offer.(on this song)..it was good
information to learn from....good enough
this gal is gonna march her lil' fingers up
to FILE AND SAVE.... and go CLICK!!
hope you post more, Jomark. ..and
ms BG. ..thanks for the FILE AND SAVE

Kaley

Good song Jo hope it works out for you..What I got from this song was. I wished that was how love worked that you could just say hey I'm the one for you . when I think real life works more like If you were the one for them then they would already know..kinda like grandpa told me "you cant make somebody love you" hey theres a hook for somebody so I have a little trouble with the reality of it...but like I said good luck on the sound track
Keith