Hello. Haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd throw one out as the year begins! I actually started this in August with the 50/90 Songwriting Challenge, but didn’t get it to a place where I felt I wanted to post it to my list. So, going over it now and wondering how it comes across, etc...

Any comments or suggestions are welcome!

1/10/2017: Started on a few revisions, which I'm "penciling in" for now....still working on it...

WE’RE HERE

Isn’t it funny
How life turns out
And we still don’t know
What it’s all about

Sometimes we’re good
And our spirit flies
Sometimes we’re bad
And tell some lies ---And trip over lies

[ch]
But we’re here
And we’re trying
Though we bleed
When we’re crying
Yet we love
When we’re daring
And we touch
When we’re sharing

Isn’t it a pity
When life is hard
And our sweat and tears
Don’t go very far

Sometimes we’re ready --Sometimes we're lively
And can hop aboard---- And dare to explore
Sometimes we’re lazy
Yet want much more

[ch]
But we’re here
And we’re trying
Though we bleed
When we’re crying
Yet we love
When we’re daring
And we touch
When we’re sharing

[br]
Oh, we can think too much
And end up with nothing
Years wear us down
But we’ll think of something

[ch]
Cuz we’re here
And we’re trying
Though we bleed
When we’re crying
Yet we love
When we’re daring
And we touch
When we’re sharing

While we’re here
Because we’re here

©2016 Kristi McKeever

Hi Kristi,

This is very good work. Very terse writing. The chorus seems perfect to me.

I was imagining V2 could be said slightly different, as in "don't get us too far" but that's probably cuz I've been doing a lot of country tunes lately.

V3 is fine, but for some reason the top half seems a bit oblique to the second half:

Sometimes we’re ready
And can hop aboard

Sometimes we’re lazy
Yet want much more

I guess what's happening is..I'm seeing a train in the top couplet, (get onboard) and so my brain half expects or wants another train metaphor to complete the thought. Also, you are trying to set up opposites there, but being "ready and can hop onboard" is still kind of passive. It's like saying "given the right circumstances, I might do something." And so it doesn't quite offset "but then we're lazy" like it might, if the top couplet was less passive and more active.

Let me check your "intention" in the bridge, cuz I'm hearing a bit of sarcasm with "but we'll think of something" since the theme of the bridge seems to be how thinking too much can get in the way of happiness. I don't think I've ever registered any lines from you as coming across sarcastic in any way, but line four here, does seem to lean that way, a little..so..just checking!

This is excellent work and I had to think hard to think of anything to nit..you've got a strong, beautiful, poetic "voice" that I always enjoy.

Mike

Nicely done Kristy.
Simple message but profound.
my only sugg is:

But we’re here
Sometimes crying
Sometimes bleed
But we’re trying.

Don't know why but it sounds better to me.
Looks good anyways.

Hi Mike,

You’ve picked up on two places I wasn’t sure about, so thanks for noticing!

I’m not a big fan of those top two lines in V3, but I like the bottom two. Now that I’m revisiting the lyric, maybe something will come. It’s got to kind of match the “Sometimes we’re good” line in the beginning as I have that structure...and I see what you mean about it being more passive and how it diminishes the opposite effect. Good point. Will think on that...

That last bridge line is, yeah....not meant to be sarcastic. I’ve had several options for the entire bridge actually. Bridges can be mind-bending! The intention there is, yes, you have it...and to just enjoy things. I had it as a question--do we think too much---and also took out the word “doing” (the original line was “end up doing nothing”). And before I posted, I had two choices for the line that counters it and chose what you see. The other one was:

“Years (will) wear us down/Unless we think of something”

but thought “But we’ll think of something” was more positive, hinting at the faith in our spirit and sense of survival.

In V2....“go very far”... “get us too far”....seems like either one could possibly work...

As always, your ideas get me thinking and going deeper into the message I want to send. I’m already thinking out loud, as you can see...lol...so thanks Mike, for your thoughts and your kind comments too. I’ll be working on it...

Kristi

Hi Vic,

Thank you for taking a moment to comment and offer your ideas. I take all suggestions and play with them a bit, so we’ll see where it goes. This piece is tricky because the lines are concise compared to some of the other stuff I write. So every word seems to be highlighted in a way.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and nice comments.

Kristi

And trip on our lies

Just an idea for the second verse Kristi.Good lyric with some gregreat ideas being tossed around too
Grab
s

hey Kristi,i like this and you have some good sugs,i think if you change anything,just make your lines deeper as so not so ordinary.Maybe sprinkle a little poetic thoughts here and there.Mike

Interesting lyrics Kristi.

As you mentioned verse 3, I thought that I would offer a sugestion.

hope thats ok

-------------
Isn’t it a SHAME
When life GETS TOUGH
And our sweat and PAIN
IS NEVER ENOUGH
-------

God Bless Roy and Helen

Some very thoughtful lyrics here Kristi. I'm 71 and still trying to figure out what life is about.

Excellent lyric....Barry

Hi Travis,

Hey, that "tripping" is a nice opposite to the "flying" I have earlier...I've penciled in a few things....I also inserted "over" in that line to keep in "mid-air"....we'll see how it flies...

Thanks so much for your suggestion!

Kristi

Hi Mike,

Yeah...I do like "sprinkling little poetic thoughts" into my lines.. This one is so concise that I know I didn't do that too much, but tried to play with the verbs and adjectives, etc...I'm just coming back to it after several months so we'll see how it "grows"!

Thanks for your thoughts!

Kristi

Hi Roy,

Well, thank you for that fine suggestion! Of course it's okay...suggestions and comments get me thinking differently, so it's ALL good. I actually have been working on two lines and just "penciled in" what I'm testing out. Now I can test drive other ideas. Thanks for that. I do appreciate it!

Kristi

Hi Jim,

Yeah....it's perpetual wondering....and things that happen in this world do boggle the mind at times...maybe we're not supposed to figure it out. Ha

Thanks for your nice comments!

Kristi

Hi Barry,

Well, thank you so much for reading and your very nice comment!

Kristi