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Hello. Haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd throw one out as the year begins! I actually started this in August with the 50/90 Songwriting Challenge, but didn’t get it to a place where I felt I wanted to post it to my list. So, going over it now and wondering how it comes across, etc... Any comments or suggestions are welcome! 1/10/2017: Started on a few revisions, which I'm "penciling in" for now....still working on it...WE’RE HERE Isn’t it funny How life turns out And we still don’t know What it’s all about Sometimes we’re good And our spirit flies Sometimes we’re bad And tell some lies --- And trip over lies [ch] But we’re here And we’re trying Though we bleed When we’re crying Yet we love When we’re daring And we touch When we’re sharing Isn’t it a pity When life is hard And our sweat and tears Don’t go very far Sometimes we’re ready -- Sometimes we're lively And can hop aboard---- And dare to explore Sometimes we’re lazy Yet want much more [ch] But we’re here And we’re trying Though we bleed When we’re crying Yet we love When we’re daring And we touch When we’re sharing [br] Oh, we can think too much And end up with nothing Years wear us down But we’ll think of something [ch] Cuz we’re here And we’re trying Though we bleed When we’re crying Yet we love When we’re daring And we touch When we’re sharing While we’re here Because we’re here ©2016 Kristi McKeever
Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 01/11/17 02:43 AM.
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Kristi, This is very good work. Very terse writing. The chorus seems perfect to me. I was imagining V2 could be said slightly different, as in "don't get us too far" but that's probably cuz I've been doing a lot of country tunes lately. V3 is fine, but for some reason the top half seems a bit oblique to the second half: Sometimes we’re ready And can hop aboard
Sometimes we’re lazy Yet want much moreI guess what's happening is..I'm seeing a train in the top couplet, (get onboard) and so my brain half expects or wants another train metaphor to complete the thought. Also, you are trying to set up opposites there, but being "ready and can hop onboard" is still kind of passive. It's like saying "given the right circumstances, I might do something." And so it doesn't quite offset "but then we're lazy" like it might, if the top couplet was less passive and more active. Let me check your "intention" in the bridge, cuz I'm hearing a bit of sarcasm with "but we'll think of something" since the theme of the bridge seems to be how thinking too much can get in the way of happiness. I don't think I've ever registered any lines from you as coming across sarcastic in any way, but line four here, does seem to lean that way, a little..so..just checking! This is excellent work and I had to think hard to think of anything to nit..you've got a strong, beautiful, poetic "voice" that I always enjoy. Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 01/07/17 07:39 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Nicely done Kristy. Simple message but profound. my only sugg is:
But we’re here Sometimes crying Sometimes bleed But we’re trying.
Don't know why but it sounds better to me. Looks good anyways.
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Hi Mike, You’ve picked up on two places I wasn’t sure about, so thanks for noticing! I’m not a big fan of those top two lines in V3, but I like the bottom two. Now that I’m revisiting the lyric, maybe something will come. It’s got to kind of match the “Sometimes we’re good” line in the beginning as I have that structure...and I see what you mean about it being more passive and how it diminishes the opposite effect. Good point. Will think on that... That last bridge line is, yeah....not meant to be sarcastic. I’ve had several options for the entire bridge actually. Bridges can be mind-bending! The intention there is, yes, you have it...and to just enjoy things. I had it as a question--do we think too much---and also took out the word “doing” (the original line was “end up doing nothing”). And before I posted, I had two choices for the line that counters it and chose what you see. The other one was: “Years (will) wear us down/Unless we think of something” but thought “But we’ll think of something” was more positive, hinting at the faith in our spirit and sense of survival. In V2....“go very far”... “get us too far”....seems like either one could possibly work... As always, your ideas get me thinking and going deeper into the message I want to send. I’m already thinking out loud, as you can see...lol...so thanks Mike, for your thoughts and your kind comments too. I’ll be working on it... Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Vic, Thank you for taking a moment to comment and offer your ideas. I take all suggestions and play with them a bit, so we’ll see where it goes. This piece is tricky because the lines are concise compared to some of the other stuff I write. So every word seems to be highlighted in a way. Again, thank you for your thoughts and nice comments. Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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And trip on our lies
Just an idea for the second verse Kristi.Good lyric with some gregreat ideas being tossed around too Grab s
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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hey Kristi,i like this and you have some good sugs,i think if you change anything,just make your lines deeper as so not so ordinary.Maybe sprinkle a little poetic thoughts here and there.Mike
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Interesting lyrics Kristi.
As you mentioned verse 3, I thought that I would offer a sugestion.
hope thats ok
------------- Isn’t it a SHAME When life GETS TOUGH And our sweat and PAIN IS NEVER ENOUGH -------
God Bless Roy and Helen
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Some very thoughtful lyrics here Kristi. I'm 71 and still trying to figure out what life is about.
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Hi Travis, Hey, that "tripping" is a nice opposite to the "flying" I have earlier...I've penciled in a few things....I also inserted "over" in that line to keep in "mid-air"....we'll see how it flies... Thanks so much for your suggestion! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Mike, Yeah...I do like "sprinkling little poetic thoughts" into my lines.. This one is so concise that I know I didn't do that too much, but tried to play with the verbs and adjectives, etc...I'm just coming back to it after several months so we'll see how it "grows"! Thanks for your thoughts! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Roy, Well, thank you for that fine suggestion! Of course it's okay...suggestions and comments get me thinking differently, so it's ALL good. I actually have been working on two lines and just "penciled in" what I'm testing out. Now I can test drive other ideas. Thanks for that. I do appreciate it! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Jim,
Yeah....it's perpetual wondering....and things that happen in this world do boggle the mind at times...maybe we're not supposed to figure it out. Ha
Thanks for your nice comments!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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Hi Barry, Well, thank you so much for reading and your very nice comment! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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