Who's Online Now
10 members (couchgrouch, Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill), 4,251 guests, and 265 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
ShoutChat
Comment Guidelines: Do post respectful and insightful comments. Don't flame, hate, spam.
What's Going On
Does Billy Joel belong in top 10?
by Fdemetrio - 03/28/24 11:10 PM
It Is Done
by Sunset Poet - 03/28/24 07:44 PM
Music Industry Summit, Athens Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/28/24 06:14 PM
Can you save me from me
by VNORTH2 - 03/28/24 03:11 PM
As human as yo
by ckiphen - 03/28/24 09:55 AM
Fox News Reports Stunning Archeological Discovery.
by couchgrouch - 03/27/24 08:02 PM
Wasting My Time
by David Gill - 03/27/24 07:42 AM
Song available
by JAPOV - 03/26/24 03:38 PM
YELLIN AT CLOUDS
by David Gill - 03/26/24 03:20 PM
"Reliving" the great Lou Rawls!
by Brian Austin Whitney - 03/26/24 01:49 PM
::: The Best In My Life :::
by Bill Draper - 03/26/24 01:32 PM
The show must go on
by ckiphen - 03/26/24 09:06 AM
NYC Motel 1972
by rpirone - 03/26/24 12:43 AM
usic Industry Summitt
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 11:32 PM
The Rant Arena
by JAPOV - 03/25/24 07:39 PM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Lancaster Festival, Lancaster, Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 10:51 AM
Wasting my time
by Rob B. - 03/25/24 03:45 AM
Tom Waits.. What's he building
by Fdemetrio - 03/25/24 12:09 AM
Rick Beato, bad lyrics
by Fdemetrio - 03/24/24 11:23 PM
Inspirational Videos Post Them Here
by Sunset Poet - 03/24/24 11:27 AM
Used to take a Genius to Mix
by Fdemetrio - 03/23/24 11:00 AM
"Broken Places"
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/22/24 07:45 PM
All You Are Is A Lie
by Sunset Poet - 03/22/24 06:55 PM
Pour Choices
by Gavin Sinclair - 03/22/24 05:29 PM
Billy's 30 year overdue song.
by Fdemetrio - 03/22/24 01:30 PM
Make my dreams come true
by ckiphen - 03/22/24 10:51 AM
Top Posters
Calvin 19,857
Travis david 12,264
Kevin Emmrich 10,941
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 9,003
glynda 8,683
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 8,160
Colin Ward 7,911
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,916
Mark Kaufman 6,589
ben willis 6,114
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Fdemetrio 4,990
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,670
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,271
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,195
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,171
MFB III 4,143
Sunset Poet 4,126
nightengale 4,096
E Swartz 3,985
JAPOV 3,973
beechnut79 3,878
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,845
Dan Sullivan 3,710
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
Nigel Quin 2,891
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
MidniteBob 2,761
Nelson 2,616
Tom Tracy 2,558
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,246
Wendy D 2,235
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
maccharles 2,134
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,041
DukeWill 2,002
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,652
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
GocartMoz 1,559
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,481
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,409
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
Deej56 1,385
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,294
lane1777 1,280
Gerry 1,280
DakLander 1,265
IronKnee 1,262
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
Glen King 1,214
VNORTH2 1,212
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,174
Diane Ewing 1,162
ckiphen 1,120
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
9ne 1,035
David Gill 1,032
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
ant 798
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
bennash 763
teletwang 762
Andy K 750
Andy Kemp 749
tbryson 737
Jackie444 731
Irwin 720
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Pat Hardy 692
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 668
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
R&M 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 590
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 513
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
Rob L 439
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Alek 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Ann_F 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
ddreuter 371
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Rob B. 364
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
Char 286
ktunes 285
Top Likes Received
JAPOV 86
VNORTH2 45
bennash 38
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
#1122105 01/07/17 06:50 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hello. Haven't posted in a while so I thought I'd throw one out as the year begins! I actually started this in August with the 50/90 Songwriting Challenge, but didn’t get it to a place where I felt I wanted to post it to my list. So, going over it now and wondering how it comes across, etc...

Any comments or suggestions are welcome! smile

1/10/2017: Started on a few revisions, which I'm "penciling in" for now....still working on it...

WE’RE HERE

Isn’t it funny
How life turns out
And we still don’t know
What it’s all about

Sometimes we’re good
And our spirit flies
Sometimes we’re bad
And tell some lies ---And trip over lies

[ch]
But we’re here
And we’re trying
Though we bleed
When we’re crying
Yet we love
When we’re daring
And we touch
When we’re sharing

Isn’t it a pity
When life is hard
And our sweat and tears
Don’t go very far

Sometimes we’re ready --Sometimes we're lively
And can hop aboard---- And dare to explore
Sometimes we’re lazy
Yet want much more

[ch]
But we’re here
And we’re trying
Though we bleed
When we’re crying
Yet we love
When we’re daring
And we touch
When we’re sharing

[br]
Oh, we can think too much
And end up with nothing
Years wear us down
But we’ll think of something

[ch]
Cuz we’re here
And we’re trying
Though we bleed
When we’re crying
Yet we love
When we’re daring
And we touch
When we’re sharing

While we’re here
Because we’re here

©2016 Kristi McKeever

Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 01/11/17 02:43 AM.

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711
Likes: 18
Top 50 Poster
Offline
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,711
Likes: 18
Hi Kristi,

This is very good work. Very terse writing. The chorus seems perfect to me.

I was imagining V2 could be said slightly different, as in "don't get us too far" but that's probably cuz I've been doing a lot of country tunes lately. smile

V3 is fine, but for some reason the top half seems a bit oblique to the second half:

Sometimes we’re ready
And can hop aboard

Sometimes we’re lazy
Yet want much more


I guess what's happening is..I'm seeing a train in the top couplet, (get onboard) and so my brain half expects or wants another train metaphor to complete the thought. Also, you are trying to set up opposites there, but being "ready and can hop onboard" is still kind of passive. It's like saying "given the right circumstances, I might do something." And so it doesn't quite offset "but then we're lazy" like it might, if the top couplet was less passive and more active.

Let me check your "intention" in the bridge, cuz I'm hearing a bit of sarcasm with "but we'll think of something" since the theme of the bridge seems to be how thinking too much can get in the way of happiness. I don't think I've ever registered any lines from you as coming across sarcastic in any way, but line four here, does seem to lean that way, a little..so..just checking!

This is excellent work and I had to think hard to think of anything to nit..you've got a strong, beautiful, poetic "voice" that I always enjoy. smile

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 01/07/17 07:39 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916
Likes: 9
Top 40 Poster
Offline
Top 40 Poster
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916
Likes: 9
Nicely done Kristy.
Simple message but profound.
my only sugg is:

But we’re here
Sometimes crying
Sometimes bleed
But we’re trying.

Don't know why but it sounds better to me.
Looks good anyways.



It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hi Mike,

You’ve picked up on two places I wasn’t sure about, so thanks for noticing! smile

I’m not a big fan of those top two lines in V3, but I like the bottom two. Now that I’m revisiting the lyric, maybe something will come. It’s got to kind of match the “Sometimes we’re good” line in the beginning as I have that structure...and I see what you mean about it being more passive and how it diminishes the opposite effect. Good point. Will think on that...

That last bridge line is, yeah....not meant to be sarcastic. I’ve had several options for the entire bridge actually. Bridges can be mind-bending! The intention there is, yes, you have it...and to just enjoy things. I had it as a question--do we think too much---and also took out the word “doing” (the original line was “end up doing nothing”). And before I posted, I had two choices for the line that counters it and chose what you see. The other one was:

“Years (will) wear us down/Unless we think of something”

but thought “But we’ll think of something” was more positive, hinting at the faith in our spirit and sense of survival.

In V2....“go very far”... “get us too far”....seems like either one could possibly work...

As always, your ideas get me thinking and going deeper into the message I want to send. I’m already thinking out loud, as you can see...lol...so thanks Mike, for your thoughts and your kind comments too. I’ll be working on it... smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
Vicarn #1122131 01/08/17 02:56 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hi Vic,

Thank you for taking a moment to comment and offer your ideas. I take all suggestions and play with them a bit, so we’ll see where it goes. This piece is tricky because the lines are concise compared to some of the other stuff I write. So every word seems to be highlighted in a way.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and nice comments. smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
T
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
T
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264
Likes: 4
And trip on our lies

Just an idea for the second verse Kristi.Good lyric with some gregreat ideas being tossed around too
Grab
s


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
Offline
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
hey Kristi,i like this and you have some good sugs,i think if you change anything,just make your lines deeper as so not so ordinary.Maybe sprinkle a little poetic thoughts here and there.Mike

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,271
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,271
Interesting lyrics Kristi.

As you mentioned verse 3, I thought that I would offer a sugestion.

hope thats ok

-------------
Isn’t it a SHAME
When life GETS TOUGH
And our sweat and PAIN
IS NEVER ENOUGH
-------

God Bless Roy and Helen


'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'

Our Record Label
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Top 30 Poster
Offline
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Some very thoughtful lyrics here Kristi. I'm 71 and still trying to figure out what life is about.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,259
B
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
B
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,259
Excellent lyric....Barry

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hi Travis,

Hey, that "tripping" is a nice opposite to the "flying" I have earlier...I've penciled in a few things....I also inserted "over" in that line to keep in "mid-air"....we'll see how it flies... grin

Thanks so much for your suggestion!

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hi Mike,

Yeah...I do like "sprinkling little poetic thoughts" into my lines.. smile This one is so concise that I know I didn't do that too much, but tried to play with the verbs and adjectives, etc...I'm just coming back to it after several months so we'll see how it "grows"!

Thanks for your thoughts!

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
Roy Cooper #1122283 01/11/17 02:59 AM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hi Roy,

Well, thank you for that fine suggestion! Of course it's okay...suggestions and comments get me thinking differently, so it's ALL good. I actually have been working on two lines and just "penciled in" what I'm testing out. Now I can test drive other ideas. Thanks for that. I do appreciate it! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hi Jim,

Yeah....it's perpetual wondering....and things that happen in this world do boggle the mind at times...maybe we're not supposed to figure it out. Ha

Thanks for your nice comments!

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
OP Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831
Likes: 2
Hi Barry,

Well, thank you so much for reading and your very nice comment! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist

Link Copied to Clipboard
Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
chriscastle, yasir252, cathennashira, Samwise, HappySousa
21,470 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
warriorgirl (2024)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5