Something I started yesterday and that I'm still changing here and there. Thoughts or suggestions would be welcome.


(Vs)
In a little wood box
lies her greatest treasure
A priceless gem
it's worth can't be measured

(Vs)
In a little wood box
There's a pair of shoes
A special gift
for church and school

(Ch)
She wants to run to it
Wants to look inside
But she can only sit
and stare wide eyed
There's someone talking
she can't hear
There's music playing
soft somewhere
But she just hears the clock
as she stares at a little wood box

(Vs)
In a little wood box
There's a pair of glasses
They're custom made
In the latest fashion

(Vs)
In a little wood box
Is a little bow tie
Made it herself
for her special guy

(Ch)
Her husband helps her up
holds her close to him
walks her through the crowd
people watching them
If it wasn't for him
she couldn't move
It's seems so surreal
so untrue
And finally when they stop
she looks into that little wood box

Just eight years old
in his young prime
Made it to school
but never left this time
Her dreams shot down
in the blink of an eye
a man took his life
she still wonders why

(Vs)
In that little wood box
she brushes off his shoes
straightens his glasses
and his bow tie too

(Vs)
In that little wood box
lies her greatest treasure
A priceless gem
it's worth can't be measured

© L. James Tanner

Very well done, James. A couple of suggestions. I'm not sure how many of those boxes are black. If not, maybe little wood box or brown box. In the last line of the first chorus, maybe "stares at" instead of "eyes". I might switch places with lines 5-6 and 7-8 in the chorus. It would make the husband part more continuous. Line 3 of the chorus, maybe "box" instead of "front". Front is a little confusing, cause you don't know the front of what. Would box be too much of a giveaway? That's about it. Nice job.

Bill

Good story James, enjoyed the read.Well written too
Travis

Thanks Travis, I appreciate it. I made some changes and changed the title.

Thanks for taking a look at it Bill and for the suggestions and comments. I made a change on the title and chorus after getting your input.

Hi James,

This one tugs at the heart strings!

I like the way you kept the suspense of the contents of 'the box' even though there's a sad ending.

Phil.

Thanks Phil, I was hoping peeps wouldn't figure out what was really going on until the end. Thanks for the read and comment man.

Very clever and thoughtful lyric, James.
Vic

Thanks Vic, I appreciate it. Thanks for giving it a read and commenting.

Very well done, James.
Bill offered up a few suggs that were spot on.
A very touching story and well written...maybe a few tiny issues with flow....here's how I'd re-write

(Vs)
She has a wooden box
that hides her greatest treasure
inside a priceless gem
it's worth cannot be measured

(Vs)
Inside the little box
lies a tiny pair of shoes
A very special gift
for her church and school

(Ch)
She wants to run and hide
She wants to look inside
But she can only sit
and stare with somber eyes,
Everybody's talking
she's only trying to hear
the music that is playing
softly in her ear.
But she only hears the clock,
staring at the box

(Vs)
In a little wooden box
There's a pair of glasses
They were custom made
In the latest fashion

(Vs)
Inside the wooden box
a perfect little tie
She made it by herself
for her special guy

(Ch)
Her husband helps her up
holds her close to him
walks her through the crowd
there were people watching them
If he didn't help her walk
then she couldn't move
It's all seems so surreal
she can't believe it's true.
She finally had to stop
and look inside the box

Only eight years old
and in the prime of life
He made it to school
but not home this time
Her dreams shot down
in the blink of an eye
a little boy died
without a reason why.

(Vs)
In that little wooden box
she brushes off his shoes
straightens up his glasses
and his tiny bow tie, too

(Vs)
She has a wooden box
that hides her greatest treasure
inside a priceless gem
it's worth cannot be measured.

Just added a few insignificant words....removed a few...shaved a few.... to establish a better flow.
Use it if you'd like.


Good work
mike

Thanks for giving it a read Blues. I have received some negative response in another forum to the fact that chorus's are different. Although there is a music change in these parts that sets them apart from the verses, I almost don't consider them a chorus. I don't know what else or term you would call them though. I have never written a lyric where the chorus's were different and didn't know if I broke some kind of lyrical rule. I really appreciate you looking at it for me.

I saw that comment on the other forum. I wouldn't give it a moment's thought. Evolving choruses are fine.

Hi James,

They're are no lyrical rules.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Not sure if you saw my suggs....I amended my response and added a few things...

Again, good write and awesome story.

mb

Wow, very touching.

Something to consider:
"small wooden box" verses "little wood box"
- It may sound the same, but in my mind's eye 'little wood box' seems a shoe box size. "Small wooden box" seems somehow bigger.

On further analysis:
LWB has more of a toy box sound
SWB has more of a grown-up sound

In other words, the nits have nits. Nicely done!
Do you have a melody in mind?

Thanks Bill for that. And now I know the term "Evolving Chorus"

Thanks Calvin, that's good to know!

I just saw the edited post Blues, I must have replied just before or near the time you edited. I will definitely look over your suggestions as I work on this and the meter and flow. I see some good points right off the bat. Thanks a million man.

Hi Dave. I really appreciate you giving it a read and for the input.I see your point and I'm thinking it over. One of the reasons I used "little" vs "small" was to make sure I threw the listener or reader off enough about what the box was, without them catching on to soon. But I will mull over the suggestion for sure.....I do have somewhat of a melody in mind, I find it hard to write anything without a base or generic melody. It's definitely a country sound but possibly a soft rock ballad feel. Thanks again for the review and comment, I am always grateful.

I'm back James, was ill, but you know I love your lyrics, and this one has a heart wrenching story, as well written. I think little wooden box makes the story have a quaint image. Just my opinion. Anyhow I'm glad to see you using your gift.


Summer

Good to see you Summer, Besides here, I have been posting at our other forum and started wondering where you were. Hope your feeling better. Thanks for reading and the comment as always. I'll be doing some re-write on this in the coming days.

couldn't see after the first read through what you were getting at here James, so read the comments and then read it again. Very, very sad and very, very well done.

The little suggestions are right on and IMO you have a powerful lyric here.

Good Job!

douglas

Thanks Douglas, I appreciate the read, and I do see some good suggestions for a re-write. Thanks for the comment

James--

A fine write with this one. Should be one that you'll be proud of, when you give it the musical treatment!

Write on--

Mackie

Thanks Mackie, I appreciate ya givin it a read and for the comment....Now to find someone to put it to music.