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Something I started yesterday and that I'm still changing here and there. Thoughts or suggestions would be welcome.
(Vs) In a little wood box lies her greatest treasure A priceless gem it's worth can't be measured
(Vs) In a little wood box There's a pair of shoes A special gift for church and school
(Ch) She wants to run to it Wants to look inside But she can only sit and stare wide eyed There's someone talking she can't hear There's music playing soft somewhere But she just hears the clock as she stares at a little wood box
(Vs) In a little wood box There's a pair of glasses They're custom made In the latest fashion
(Vs) In a little wood box Is a little bow tie Made it herself for her special guy
(Ch) Her husband helps her up holds her close to him walks her through the crowd people watching them If it wasn't for him she couldn't move It's seems so surreal so untrue And finally when they stop she looks into that little wood box
Just eight years old in his young prime Made it to school but never left this time Her dreams shot down in the blink of an eye a man took his life she still wonders why
(Vs) In that little wood box she brushes off his shoes straightens his glasses and his bow tie too
(Vs) In that little wood box lies her greatest treasure A priceless gem it's worth can't be measured
© L. James Tanner
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/16/13 10:52 PM.
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Very well done, James. A couple of suggestions. I'm not sure how many of those boxes are black. If not, maybe little wood box or brown box. In the last line of the first chorus, maybe "stares at" instead of "eyes". I might switch places with lines 5-6 and 7-8 in the chorus. It would make the husband part more continuous. Line 3 of the chorus, maybe "box" instead of "front". Front is a little confusing, cause you don't know the front of what. Would box be too much of a giveaway? That's about it. Nice job.
Bill
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Good story James, enjoyed the read.Well written too Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Good story James, enjoyed the read.Well written too Travis Thanks Travis, I appreciate it. I made some changes and changed the title.
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Very well done, James. A couple of suggestions. I'm not sure how many of those boxes are black. If not, maybe little wood box or brown box. In the last line of the first chorus, maybe "stares at" instead of "eyes". I might switch places with lines 5-6 and 7-8 in the chorus. It would make the husband part more continuous. Line 3 of the chorus, maybe "box" instead of "front". Front is a little confusing, cause you don't know the front of what. Would box be too much of a giveaway? That's about it. Nice job.
Bill Thanks for taking a look at it Bill and for the suggestions and comments. I made a change on the title and chorus after getting your input.
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/15/13 02:45 PM.
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Hi James,
This one tugs at the heart strings!
I like the way you kept the suspense of the contents of 'the box' even though there's a sad ending.
Phil.
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Hi James,
This one tugs at the heart strings!
I like the way you kept the suspense of the contents of 'the box' even though there's a sad ending.
Phil. Thanks Phil, I was hoping peeps wouldn't figure out what was really going on until the end. Thanks for the read and comment man.
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Very clever and thoughtful lyric, James. Vic
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Very clever and thoughtful lyric, James. Vic Thanks Vic, I appreciate it. Thanks for giving it a read and commenting.
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Very well done, James. Bill offered up a few suggs that were spot on. A very touching story and well written...maybe a few tiny issues with flow....here's how I'd re-write
(Vs) She has a wooden box that hides her greatest treasure inside a priceless gem it's worth cannot be measured
(Vs) Inside the little box lies a tiny pair of shoes A very special gift for her church and school
(Ch) She wants to run and hide She wants to look inside But she can only sit and stare with somber eyes, Everybody's talking she's only trying to hear the music that is playing softly in her ear. But she only hears the clock, staring at the box
(Vs) In a little wooden box There's a pair of glasses They were custom made In the latest fashion
(Vs) Inside the wooden box a perfect little tie She made it by herself for her special guy
(Ch) Her husband helps her up holds her close to him walks her through the crowd there were people watching them If he didn't help her walk then she couldn't move It's all seems so surreal she can't believe it's true. She finally had to stop and look inside the box
Only eight years old and in the prime of life He made it to school but not home this time Her dreams shot down in the blink of an eye a little boy died without a reason why.
(Vs) In that little wooden box she brushes off his shoes straightens up his glasses and his tiny bow tie, too
(Vs) She has a wooden box that hides her greatest treasure inside a priceless gem it's worth cannot be measured.
Just added a few insignificant words....removed a few...shaved a few.... to establish a better flow. Use it if you'd like.
Good work mike
Last edited by Bluesriff; 08/16/13 09:46 PM.
Write on, Man, Michael W. Brown, f.k.a. "bluesriff"
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Mahatma Gandhi
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Thanks for giving it a read Blues. I have received some negative response in another forum to the fact that chorus's are different. Although there is a music change in these parts that sets them apart from the verses, I almost don't consider them a chorus. I don't know what else or term you would call them though. I have never written a lyric where the chorus's were different and didn't know if I broke some kind of lyrical rule. I really appreciate you looking at it for me.
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Thanks for giving it a read Blues. I have received some negative response in another forum to the fact that chorus's are different. Although there is a music change in these parts that sets them apart from the verses, I almost don't consider them a chorus. I don't know what else or term you would call them though. I have never written a lyric where the chorus's were different and didn't know if I broke some kind of lyrical rule. I really appreciate you looking at it for me. I saw that comment on the other forum. I wouldn't give it a moment's thought. Evolving choruses are fine.
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Not sure if you saw my suggs....I amended my response and added a few things...
Again, good write and awesome story.
mb
Write on, Man, Michael W. Brown, f.k.a. "bluesriff"
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Mahatma Gandhi
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Wow, very touching. Something to consider: "small wooden box" verses "little wood box" - It may sound the same, but in my mind's eye 'little wood box' seems a shoe box size. "Small wooden box" seems somehow bigger. On further analysis: LWB has more of a toy box sound SWB has more of a grown-up sound In other words, the nits have nits. Nicely done! Do you have a melody in mind?
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Thanks for giving it a read Blues. I have received some negative response in another forum to the fact that chorus's are different. Although there is a music change in these parts that sets them apart from the verses, I almost don't consider them a chorus. I don't know what else or term you would call them though. I have never written a lyric where the chorus's were different and didn't know if I broke some kind of lyrical rule. I really appreciate you looking at it for me. I saw that comment on the other forum. I wouldn't give it a moment's thought. Evolving choruses are fine. Thanks Bill for that. And now I know the term "Evolving Chorus"
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Thanks Calvin, that's good to know!
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Not sure if you saw my suggs....I amended my response and added a few things...
Again, good write and awesome story.
mb I just saw the edited post Blues, I must have replied just before or near the time you edited. I will definitely look over your suggestions as I work on this and the meter and flow. I see some good points right off the bat. Thanks a million man.
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Wow, very touching. Something to consider: "small wooden box" verses "little wood box" - It may sound the same, but in my mind's eye 'little wood box' seems a shoe box size. "Small wooden box" seems somehow bigger. On further analysis: LWB has more of a toy box sound SWB has more of a grown-up sound In other words, the nits have nits. Nicely done! Do you have a melody in mind? Hi Dave. I really appreciate you giving it a read and for the input.I see your point and I'm thinking it over. One of the reasons I used "little" vs "small" was to make sure I threw the listener or reader off enough about what the box was, without them catching on to soon. But I will mull over the suggestion for sure.....I do have somewhat of a melody in mind, I find it hard to write anything without a base or generic melody. It's definitely a country sound but possibly a soft rock ballad feel. Thanks again for the review and comment, I am always grateful.
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/16/13 10:14 PM.
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I'm back James, was ill, but you know I love your lyrics, and this one has a heart wrenching story, as well written. I think little wooden box makes the story have a quaint image. Just my opinion. Anyhow I'm glad to see you using your gift.
Summer
Last edited by Summer Rose; 08/17/13 04:10 PM.
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I'm back James, was ill, but you know I love your lyrics, and this one has a heart wrenching story, as well written. I think little wooden box makes the story have a quaint image. Just my opinion. Anyhow I'm glad to see you using your gift.
Summer Good to see you Summer, Besides here, I have been posting at our other forum and started wondering where you were. Hope your feeling better. Thanks for reading and the comment as always. I'll be doing some re-write on this in the coming days.
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/17/13 07:01 PM.
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couldn't see after the first read through what you were getting at here James, so read the comments and then read it again. Very, very sad and very, very well done.
The little suggestions are right on and IMO you have a powerful lyric here.
Good Job!
douglas
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Thanks Douglas, I appreciate the read, and I do see some good suggestions for a re-write. Thanks for the comment
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James--
A fine write with this one. Should be one that you'll be proud of, when you give it the musical treatment!
Write on--
Mackie
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James--
A fine write with this one. Should be one that you'll be proud of, when you give it the musical treatment!
Write on--
Mackie Thanks Mackie, I appreciate ya givin it a read and for the comment....Now to find someone to put it to music.
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/19/13 01:16 AM.
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