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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 05/01/24 01:05 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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Joined: May 2004
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OP
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Joined: May 2004
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Not too sure about the chorus on this one. I know the time thing has been done before but tried to do it from a little different prespective. All comments welcome.
(V1) Gave thirteen years to a factory Had no time for a family life Rotating shifts and overtime Lost my kids and wife
(chorus) If I could turn back the hands of time I'd mend the family ties I've broken Say the things, that lack of time ...left unspoken If I could turn back the hands of time
(v2) Sold my soul to a factory Beacuse Of stubborn pride Working for those who didn't care If I lived or died
(chorus) If I could turn back the hands of time I'd mend the family ties I've broken Say the things that, lack of time...left unspoken If I could turn back the hands of time
(v3) She tried to warn me,But I didn't listen Filling me in on all the things I'd been missing Over the years the list just grew Ball games and good-night prayers just to name a few
(chorus) If I could turn back the hands of time I'd mend the family ties I've broken Say all the things, that lack of time...left unspoken If I could turn back the hands of time
(v4) They'll never beleive, I did it all for them A lesson learned to late Sacrificing and slaving In a dead end job I hate
(chorus) If I could turn back the hands of time I'd mend the family ties I've broken Say the things, that lack of time...left unspoken If I could turn back the hands of time (chorus) Yep, a lesson learned too late Sacrificing and slaving In a dead end job I hate... If I could turn back the hands of time I'd take back all I've compromised Wouldn't have taken so long to realize... If I could turn back the hands of time... If I could just turn back the hands of time
Selina Shackelford ©2004
[This message has been edited by theairshack (edited 07-19-2004).]
[This message has been edited by theairshack (edited 07-20-2004).]
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Joined: Feb 2001
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Selina,
This pretty good, IMO. Only a couple of things jumped out at me that might need some fixin':
(1) First line of V1. I'd say "Gave thirteen years to a factory".
(2) Last line of V1. I would change to "Lost my kids and wife". Keeps the metering real close and seems to flow a little better for me.
These are just suggestions to keep or sweep as you see fit. I could be wrong, ya know...it's been known to happen!
Nice write!
Alan
------------------ When you talk, you say something you already know... If you listen, you might learn something new.
[This message has been edited by sideman66 (edited 07-18-2004).]
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Hi Selina I like this, though i think verse 3 could be stronger. and should be dead 'end' job, and sacrificing....ok enough paper grading, nice work here!!! ------------------ http://www.ampcast.com/music/26305/artist.php [This message has been edited by sweetjoyce (edited 07-18-2004).]
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Joined: May 2004
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OP
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Hi Alan
Thanks for taking the time to look this over and commenting. Taking your advice on those lines. Thanks
Selina
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Joined: May 2004
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OP
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Ritt,
Yes, your are right v3 could be stronger I'll see what I can do with it. Thanks for your time and comments. Both are always valued.
PS. Yeah, I know about the "end" don't know where my mind was this morning.
Selina
[This message has been edited by theairshack (edited 07-19-2004).]
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Hi Selina, you're right about the title being used...especially Cher's "If I could turn back time". but this is quite a different perpspective! I found this to be likeable but in need of tightening if you don't mind my hands at it...not certain if you already have a melody and thought maybe you did with the broken line in the chorus leading us to "left unspoken".
If I could turn back hands of time I'd mend the family ties I BROKE IF ONLY I COULD HAVE MORE TIME I'D SAY THE THINGS I NEVER SPOKE IF THE CLOCKS WORKED BY MY COMMAND I'D CARRY A DIFFERENT LOAD BY TURNING back hands of time THERE'S SO MUCH THEN THAT I'D KNOW
or something along those lines...It just seems to need more emotion to be a catchy chorus...
I'm seeing inconsistency with lines from verse to verse also...if you have a melody while you're writing it can help with that.
Take Care
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