JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Aquamarine (Question)

https://soundcloud.com/alfredo-stein/aquamarine

I have so many questions
like is the sky blue or green
Now that might sound a tad obscene
Maybe its a shade inbetween

(Chorus)
Is the sky really green
Or am i obscene
Why are people so mean
We're all stuck in between

Is the sky really blue
I don't have a clue
What about when it gets that
Sorta pinkish hue

Now i still have so many questions
Like is this the middle or the end
Maybe we all take the limbo
Way to seriously

(Chorus)

I still have so many questions
for now its best we call it fin

[Roast me on thhe singing but give me some feedback on the lyrics.]

I didn't listen to your singing...don't like to roast LOL
The lyric has good form and rhythm. I understand what you're trying say
There is too much repetition of words...it becomes boring, been there done that.
Repetition is fine as long as it's the hook/title/refrain...it should generate an ear worm to catch the listener. This needs one.

Your rhyme schemes are irregular, decide on one for the verses, another or the same for the chorus. Listeners come to expect the rhyme and get comfortable.



You have ....
# 1 abaa
Chorus aaaa
# 2 aaba
#3 aabc

Hope this helps

to show repetition/ear worm


Questions I have plenty
Questions about my life
Help me find the answers
That can pacify
The million questions
In my inquiring mind

Rhyme scheme abcbdb
"Questions" is repeated 3 times.. avoid using it in other palces...use who, what, when, where, how,

Thank you for the valuable input. I appreciate your thought and consideration in mind. This is an earlier piece I worked on. I hope to hear from you on later posts Mr. cotton.

Welcome to JPF...I'll be around.

Welcome to JPF Alfred! And thanks to Neil for that thoughtful review, much appreciated Neil!

Alfred, way to jump right in and stick your neck out! That's always a good sign. A helpful suggestion would be for you to consider going in and offering feedback to other people's material yourself now. This will help in several ways, you'll make some friends, learn about what works and doesn't by listening to and offering advice to others which is far more effective in truth than just getting feedback on your own work as you are far more likely to notice what doesn't work about someone else's song and if you are smart (and over time you will be by doing this enough) you'll learn to take the things you see that work or don't work in other people's songs, and apply that back to your own, usually when you make a new song, knowing those pitfalls or what works going in. (It's much harder to adjust an existing song you already wrote with problems in it and everyone struggles with that). AND you'll find more of THOSE people will repay your help by giving you feedback in return as well. We suggest a 5 to 1 ratio where you critique 5 other songs for each one you post. If you do that, you'll quickly make friends and find your own stuff getting more and more feedback!

Continued success, keep up the good work and I look forward to having you around!

Brian

Just a suggestion you may also want to dive in the aspect of gray versus blue in part of the song. Or maybe replace the green altogether with gray. To me its sounds like that you are saying as people we believe were are this way or that way. Liberal/Conservative, Pro this con that but in reality we all live somewhere in the middle. I think we are all gray. Not sure if this was the point you are making but that was my interpretation. If I'm off the mark please don't consider it as a failure remember some of the greatest songs leave much of the meaning open for interpitaion. I won't give you any flack on singing as Brian said sticking your neck out is a good thing. As far as the music I suggest to a least add some wind sounds and other effects to paint a picture in the listeners mind. Pads or other keyboards would be cool too. This is not much different than some of David Bowie's early demo stuff I have heard. Brian Eno did similar stuff. Are you playing that and sing at the same time?