I'm not sure if your intent with this is a commercial cut or more of a lyric with an artful, personal bent. either way, I don't know what it's about. for a commercial tune it'd need to have a hook and a much clearer theme. further, lines like "beyond pervue of honesty" aren't conversational and would be hard to sing. it's not really very artful, either. to be artful, I think you'd need some stronger imagery, metaphors and perhaps a creative rhyme or two.

many people post on these sites just for their internet friends...which is absolutely fine. if you want to go further and actually write either commercial tunes or memorable creative ones, you'll need to focus more on hooks, storytelling, imagery and relatable themes.

just my view...good luck with your stuff.

Nashville demos etc:

https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=431939

other demos:

https://soundcloud.com/wabash-cannibal

Amazon Kindle books by Robert George you may enjoy:

1) Americana

2) Teenage Graceland

3) The Will to Be

4) Fort Mystery

5) Wheel Sea

6) My One True Love