Clear enough now, but still neeeds polishing methinks. Put it to music and listen to make it glow.

Particlarly, there's a real good flow to lines one and two, then line three is jagged, and the rhymes are kinda trite [Linked Image]


Then the second part feels a tad poetic...(well the first line anyways) needs to be more conversational methinks.


Nothing wrong with the rest though. V2 is pretty solid...


Ciao


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop