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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,167 Likes: 5
Top 25 Poster
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Top 25 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,167 Likes: 5 |
Hi David and welcome to JPF. I like what you're trying to do and the melody is really good. But it's very long for that tempo and unnecessarily so. To me, it could use some more show, rather than just telling us the town is a bummer. And no one can leave?
It seemed a little odd that you described you and your son as having lost the fire down below. I'm guessing you meant your wife but grammatically, it refers to your son. And who is the "you" he's dreaming about and sleeping next to? I think that should be "we" and "us".
Maybe take three minutes off it, think about the grammar and write an image that puts the audience in the town.
Last edited by couchgrouch; 11/17/19 07:19 PM.
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