Hi John!

I have to admit, I spend more time in the MP3 forum with crits/sugs etc. I do enjoy looking at lyrics however, but have found it more difficult to critique lyrics without hearing them in a music bed. So when I read them, I look for story structure, rhyme patterns (if they are rhyme), imagined metering, and general topic interest.

I like your topic and title, yes a fairly common story expressed many times and many ways--however still sweet. I've read over the lyrics a few times and feel they will meter fairly well, but may need a few tweaks for music prosody without losing your desired affect. You have some real nice lines that I think will flow really well with music. I do think the line about the baby's smile doesn't need to end with a metaphor.......a baby's smile is one of the sweetest things you'll ever witness, just end with that statement and let that be the emphasis--re-build the phrase before that statement.

IMO, the chorus could be less about telling the story, and more about making an exclamation that promotes your title a bit more. There is no concrete rules with composition structure, and there are many lyrical styles, but I think a good formula to make ballads more interesting are to let the verses tell the story, let the chorus exclaim theme or accentuate a hook line, then bridges, if used to digress lyrically with a twist or turn or maybe even a reflective moment--which is why also the bridge music usually also digresses with a change-up from developed melody.

I just gave you a few thoughts to ponder, and by no means without hearing lyrics with music can anyone be "too critical" without hearing the two together. My suggestions are JMO as well, so use or lose. I wrote a song called "Can you catch my soul" which was a song designed to "take a longer more serious look at how rusty one's relationship with God can gradually wain." Your song has a similar message.

Nice work here!

steady-eddie