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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 11:04 AM
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by Rob B. - 04/21/24 08:40 PM
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 823
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
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Another fine hook. If you could "loosen up" your phrasing, it would make a world of difference. A lot of your words/phrases are a bit stilted for a lyric, things that seem out of place in the real world, but would work fine as pure poetry.
One example: "In our sector of health and vitality"
"Sector?" Sounds Orwellian. "Vitality" is too doctor-ish, not fit for a love song. JMHO
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