JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum A Little Gray Around The Edges- a re-visit...asking for help

Hi JPFers-
This was done somewhat quickly back in 2010 on either a FAWM or 50/90 challenge, for those of you who know what that is.
My collaborator, Billy Sea, saw the lyric, liked it and put music and vocals to it.

It is still somewhat rough but will probably remain mainly a just guitar vocal, but..
I am re-visiting it to tweak the lyrics and/or music to hopefully make it better -I based this lyric on things my husband was facing at the time. (still is, actually)

I really appreciate any help on how to make lyrics better, etc..and should I have it GRAYED around the edges to be a take on FRAYED around the edges???

**PLEASE listen to the verse and chorus melody but read the lyrics in blue as these are what I wanna change them to-I hope it is not too confusing but I put below the original lyric on top but then my ideas for lyrical changes below in BLUE and want to know if you like those change ideas or not. I am open to all advice!!

Also, I know the bridge melody would have to be a completely different melody than the old one for the lyric change, and there may have to be some slight variation on the verses melody too but I hope not too much. I am hoping Billy and I can work on this over skype to fine tune each line for meter purposes but want mostly advice on the content for now...now do I have you completely confused?

Kimberly

A Little Gray Around the Edges

Verse One (OLD)
That alarm clock's beggin' to be thrown at the wall
Heck, I don't feel like I got any sleep at all
But the fat cat bank always needs to be paid
So I drag myself outta bed for work today
My job description grows every time I turn around
They're tryin' to work this gray haired man into the ground

NEW verse to replace verse one

My alarm clock’s fixin’ to be flung at the wall
hell, I don't feel like I got any sleep at all
but the bills keep coming and they’ve gotta be paid
So I drag myself outta bed for this job I love to hate
My work load’s growing ‘cause the company’s scaling down
at this rate, they’re driving me straight into the ground



Chorus
I'm too old to leave
Too young to retire
I'm over a barrel
If I say a word, I'm fired
No one would hire me at this MY age
'Cause I' m just a little grayed GRAY around the edges

Verse Two OLD
My pay never rises while benefits disappear
I've passed on taking vacation for six years
If I did it'd take a month to catch up
I work the job of three men and keep my mouth shut
I'm sure one day I'll be replaced by a machine
But it won't work as hard as me, I guarantee

Verse Two NEW
My pay never rises while my benefits disappear
I've passed up on vacations going on five years
If I took one it'd take me weeks to catch up
so I work the job of three men and keep my mouth shut
I’m afraid one day I'll be replaced by a dumb machine
or this made with pride in the USA’ll fly overseas

Repeat Chorus



Bridge OLD
New guys on the job make more than I do
I've given them my all, I've lost my youth
Threats of lay-offs, boss ridin' my back, and long hard days
I wonder if it's worth this minimum wage
Bridge-NEW
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’ve got a job
I’ve given my best, my strong back and my youth
Waiting on some whippersnapper to come take it all away
‘Cause they claim they’ll do my job for minimum wage (*spoken* yeah right, maybe for a month or two)


Repeat Chorus


© 2010 -2014 BMI Kimberly Hales Kime/Billy Sea