I've been on a happy song kick for a while so I had to write a sad song..can I get your thoughts please ? thank you ...Heather




http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=451624

He's my used to be

v

Don't turn around and dont stare
but see that guy in the Earnheart cap
shooting pool over there
don't point your finger , yea that's him
I was gonna introduce you but I see he's with a friend
maybe we should go , it's probably best that way
who is he? you ask , I guess you might say


chorus

He's my used to be , a page of my history
but one I still haven't quite turned
I see him out and it still hurts
after all this time , I shouldn't feel like this
guess he's my used to be , that still is

v

I know what your thinking, what about Chris?
he wouldn't understand at all if he knew about this
but it's not like I planned it, I've got nothing to hide
well ,maybe just that pic we took one fourth of July
yea ,I know your right ,I should throw it away
if Chris were to ever find it ,what on earth would I say



chorus

Hi Heather, nice song about what happens so often.AJ

Hey Lady, this is very nice!!

I can hear it! It's in need of a bridge, maybe about moving on, or getting stuck in the moment. But it's not in need of any changes in anything I've read, imo. Great write!

Heather,

Very well written and sung. Nice job. I wouldn't change anything.

Colin

It's very pretty and very well written and sung - I'm not sure if the hook of "he's a used to be" comes across as strongly as it should. It might be a simple as changing it to "he's my used to be" - I'm just not sure.

Heather,

How are ya gal? I LOVE this one. Chorus is sensational and soooo sad. You've already got some good ideas for really polishing it up...and I think Corinne's suggestion about changing it to "He's MY used to be" would halp strengthen your hook.

Your vocal, as always, is wonderful. Very soulful and very credible.

Keep up the good work,
Beth

Strong writing Heather. I guess the only nit I have is that the phrasing on 'that still is' doesn't feel quite right. You've got this great melody leading up to this line and it's like you can't figure out exactly how to end it.... so you just end it. With the weak melodic bit at the end, I'm not sure the dramatic pause works.... Maybe just eliminate the pause?

Peace,

Ian

I like it too, but, like Caroline said, I believe it needs a bridge.

Heather, I like this. I keep thinking it could be stronger; I don't know if you're after commercial possibilities or not, but it strikes me this is one a lot of professional girl singers could grab and run with.

Suggestions below are with that in mind. Keep or sweep (or whatever they say these days).

I agree it should be "*my* used to be." It personalizes it, and also underscores the theme throughout the song that your protagonist just hasn't managed to get this person out of their head. I'd also agree the "still is" ending on the chorus should be stronger. "Still is" is kind of a letdown after the buildup you've given it.

Had another thought with respect to the chorus (and I am a compulsive editor, so feel free to ignore me); you could underscore the "page" idea by saying something like:

He's my used to be, a page of my history
That keeps on flipping back to bother me...

...and then close with:

He's my used to be--and I'm still used to him.

I did think it was too short to get all the ideas across. Yes, I suppose a bridge would work--I myself have a determined aversion to bridges, which is *not* shared by others, so again, feel free to ignore me. I'd be tempted to add another verse instead. Maybe in the middle--that'd be a chance to drop a couple of details about why this person is so hard to forget, and then close with an it's-over-he's-gone-so-why-can't-I-forget kind of thing.

And in the last verse, I would eliminate the "you're wondering" and "you know" kind of stuff (I can't see the lyrics from here, and don't remember exactly what words you used); those phrases mostly fill space, and you don't need to fill space. I would extract every soupcon of emotion out of this you can. I'd also be tempted not to refer to the New Main Squeeze by name--though I'm not sure how easy that is to do, with another guy already in the picture. But if you can leave his name out, it'll help personalize it for the girl listeners, I think--they'll fill in their own guys if you give 'em the chance, I think.

And thanks for the opportunity to play around with this. You've got something really good here, methinks.

joe

wow ! this one has got a really good response ! im really excited about it now : ) thank you all..i like the idea of "MY" used to be : ) very good...we will go with that : ) I'll be back later, im thinking on the bridge thing ..thanks

Heather, I liked it from the opening chords. It really works well. One of my favorite of yours. The lyrics are terrific and the cadence works quite well with the music. This is a very good song...... I really like it.

I think that the verses are stronger than the chorus -- just need a little smoothing out in the chorus.

Tom

Hi Heather,

The lyrics are very tight and conversational and the melody goes well with them. I like the chorus a lot. Plenty of good ideas above for improving your song. The ones that stand out the most to me are changing the title/hook to "My Used To Be" and dropping the name Chris. You'd have to re-write the 2nd verse but, that's your job! You're a song re-writer, right?

Ricki

and thanks Tom and Ricki...yes ..a rewriter is the key word no doubt ! I have some work to do ...i went ahead and changed it to MY used to be : )

Heather - my first listen to you. Mighty impressive. I'm guessing you could sing the phone book and make it magic.

I'd love to hear again when you nail the bridge. Make it a beauty.

Barry

Heather:
I like what I heard.
I wouldn't change the "...used to be that still is" line.
I'd say it sums things up better than what others proposed.

yea I wont change that Lee..i think they were saying change it from " Hes A used to be to He's My used to be ..thank you ..and thanks alot Barry ..I appreciate the compliment and i will certainly see if I can get a bridge going ....

Hi Heather -

Had to chime in when I heard this one. Great write! I love it. I think you already nailed one of the minor issues by changing "a" to "my." I vote for keeping "...that still is." And I personally feel that if you're thinking commercial possibilities that a killer bridge would take this over the top. Maybe something about Chris (or the husband/boyfriend formerly known as Chris) which essentially says "he's great and all, but he's not Earnheart cap guy." I don't know much, so I'm just another opinion, but I think it has great potential! Just a couple of minor adjustments and you're there.

ok...i got rid of Chris..how's this?? yay?? nay?? and Rob has given me some direction for the bridge...thanks so much yall for the help ! its appreciated..I'll be back tomorrow : )

v2

I know what youʼre thinking,I've got a boyfriend
And if he knew about all this he wouldnʼt understand
but it's not like I planned it, I've got nothing to hide
well ,maybe just that pic we took one fourth of July
yea ,I know your right ,I should throw it away
if he were to ever find it ,what on earth would I say

Heather, you're like the girl that could put on a potato sack and look good, you're singing is so wonderful. One of the best i've heard even on the radio..You've got this one going and like they are saying, I do think almost any female singer would grab this one and take off running.. this is really great!!!good work and congradulations...glyn

thank you Glynda..thats sweet! Im really excited about all the good comments on it !! gonna try for a bridge but I'm not sure if I can squeeze anymore story out of it and make it work ..will try ! I do like what RObs thinking on they way the bridge should go , not sure if I can pull it off : )

Heather, that chorus just rocks and I love how the 1st verse ties so neatly into the chorus. I think you should seriously pick up the tempo just a tiny bit in the verses. The tempo in the chorus is fine. I really don't think you need a bridge. I see some think you do but it's running just under 3 minutes as it is.

thank you Tricia..I was thinking of no bridge too..i really dont know where else to go with it ! i will see what i can come up with but it may be a no bridge song : ) thanks again

Heather, it is okay (my opinion) to not have a bridge. I maintain a bridge is primarily useful for crossing a body of water you can't ford. Or dodge. Or chevy.

Joe

What? No more story....here ya go, KOS

he's what could've been, and maybe, what should've been
before we gave up on trying, over and over again

I know a lot of folks have personal opinions about bridges, so I try to just read a lot and get an idea of what people are buying (by listening to the radio), and try to keep personal preference and opinion out of it. (Marketing is my day job, so I tend to think that way ). From what I hear and read, the most popular song format appears to be V-C-V-C-B-C (sometimes V-V-C-V-C-B-C, next V-C-V-C-V-C, next V-V-B-V, etc.). Personally I would prefer that not to be the case, because I generally HATE writing bridges -- they always seem to be an afterthought for me. And of course, we also have other "rules" to follow while trying to maximize a song's potential (musically, melodically and lyrically). Such as song length, lyric subject, emotional impact, singer as the "hero", etc. Oh yeah, and it has to sound great and be catchy as hell too!

All that said, you would not want to add a weak bridge just for the sake of adding one, or keep to a popular format just to do so, as that would make your song less marketable. So there are definitely plenty of confusing trade offs.

People will say, and as I've also read and heard, there are plenty of exceptions - but from what I read, many of these are done by established writers and artists who can get away with "bending the rules." So to my logical mind, it makes the most sense to try and incorporate as many suggested parameters as possible and still maintain the song's integrity.

Personally, I've not yet written a song that I feel hits on all cylinders. And I may never do so, but I think I'm getting closer. But when I do, that will be the one I shell the $ out for to get a demo done and pitch. I figure that gives me the best chance of success.

Did any of that make sense?

Last thought. Here's the reason for a song to have bridge from a course I took on songu.com.
- breaks up the repetition of the verses
- extend the song
- add new lyrical information

So Heather, if you don't feel a bridge would accomplish any of these things in a way that would make your song better, and possibly more marketable, then blow it off. It's your song so at the end of the day you've got to stay true to yourself. I know you'll do well with this one.

Heather i'd slip a bridge in somethin' like...

a love like that keeps crossin' back
takin me down mem'ry tracks of what we had
and it won't let me be, no it won't set me free

(and then right back into your chorus to close it out)

yeah, He's my used to be , a page of my history
but one I still haven't quite turned
I see him out and it still hurts
after all this time , I shouldn't feel like this
guess he's my used to be , that still is

and the music and melody you're doin' is sweet, don't know what every body else is sayin' about it, but that's what i'd do...good luck gal..moker

LOL, OK I wrote this bridge after listening to the song -- but without reading verse 2. Verse 2 really changes the mood of the whole thing. You go from a woman singing about a "used to be", to being worried that your current boyfriend will see some picture. Seems odd to me. I would re-think verse two and stick with not having a guy at the moment -- or admit that you're not "feeling it" with the current guy.

Bridge idea: Not too good on the writing side, but maybe it will give you an idea or two.

Sometimes I lay and wonder
Will I'll ever find find the one
that will me make me feel the thunder
and not just become another...

He's my used to be , a page of my history
etc....................

Sorry about "the thunder", I just could think of anything else to rhymne with wonder (or one) that made any sense.

Kevin

Something short and sweet (?)

"I couldn't help myself
It was a Kodak moment"

He's my used to be...



Sorry - I'm gettin off work and feeling a little frivoulous.

Cheers,

Barry

thanks again yall.and Rob for taking the time to write all that ! more good ideas going on here.Kevin , I see your point ..it could go totally without a new guy in the pic ..I am going to have to go with the majority on the second verse though : ) still contemplating a bridge ...tonight I am working on that ! Is Chris's replacement with "boyfriend" working for yall?? thanks again ..

I'm thinkin' you may need to up the stakes a little. "Boyfriend" doesn't sound like a situation to make this seem as dangerous and as taboo as it could be (and therefore more intriguing)... but "husband" might be too much. So how about something like:

I know what you're thinking, I've got a fiance
And he wouldn't understand if he saw me actin' this way
but it's not like I planned it, I've got nothing to hide
well ,maybe just that pic we took one fourth of July
yea ,I know your right, I should throw it away
if he were to ever find it, what on earth would I say

HiDee NashvilleGal!

Enjoyed the Song & Vocals. Great Hook & Angle. "My" is a must. I'd not use "Chris"..but make it known Singer's-Promised to someone else..somehow.

Seemed Short. Recommend a Bridge..maybe something like
"I've tried to forget him/But I still don't regret him" & then slide back One MORE Time into that Fine Chorus. "WHO still is" makes that Severed-Bond feel a bit More-Personal/Stronger.


K-O-S & Good Luck with a Great Song!

Big Hugs,
Ol' Stan

PS: I've thought further on this..here's a Sug'd rewrite on Last Verse..& that Bridge Sug, too...

I know what you're thinking, yes, I am engaged/
My guy wouldn't understand if he saw me in this state/way/
But it's not like I planned it, I've got nothing (here) to hide/
Well, maybe just that pic taken on the 4th of July/
Yes, I know you're right, I should throw it away/
If my new guy ever finds it, what could I say...But..

(CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)
I've tried to forget him/
But my heart still can't regret him...

(CHORUS OUT)
(K-O-S)

WOW
is that great .... wow ... ok ... I have no comments ..
or suggestions ... it is perfect ... Wow

Heather,

I can't listen to this at work, so I don't know if this will even sound right off the top of my head. Maybe 8 bars of an instrumental that tracks the chorus, only start on the relative minor? I mean, if you're looking for anything at all.

I could listen to it just the way it stands - sometimes it's just not broke enough to fix it. :-)

Best,

Barry

Stan and Rob ..i really like what you have there " i know what your thinking, yes I am engaged " or "i have a fiance" ..they are both good...I also thought about this

I know what your thinking, I've got a good thing at home
and if he knew anything about this , he'd be gone

that way it could be boyfriend or hubby ...thoughts?

Here are my thoughts Heather. First I like this. I can even picture the video w/the two girls looking across a crowded room as it starts, etc. You've got a solid hook and the melody feels right too, so you covered the most important parts. Lots of good ideas and I'm glad you decided against using the "Chris". Another possibility to explain that you are somewhat attached to someone might be:

I now what your thinking, I belong to someone else,
and I know that it would break his heart if he knew the way I felt

I also agree a bridge would compliment this lyric. A idea:

Sometimes I think I'm over him,
But then I see his face,
And all at once I realize,
No one could take his place.

Best,
Lynn

thank you Lynn..I like what you said and it flows well with the melody ... ..going to try it . i also like where the bridge is going and I'll think on that ....thanks ..I'll be back...yall have been so helpful ...heres the latest w/out bridge




I know what your thinking, I belong to someone else,
& I know that it would break his heart if he knew the way I felt
but it's not like I planned it, I've got nothing to hide
well ,maybe just that pic we took one fourth of July
yea , you know your right ,I should throw it away
if he were to ever find it ,what on earth would I say

Hi Heather, for some reason it sounds like it needs to speed up a little bit. Good story.

thanks Louis, I will step it up a notch : )

Hi Heather!

I like Your Rewrite & Lynn's Bridge. (Just remember "you're" is the proper Contraction of "You" + "Are"..eh?) ;-)>

Good Luck with this Good'n'!

Big Hugs,
Stan

ok...3 months later a demo is born : ) just wanted to share it


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=451624

Heather:

This is quite beautiful, sadly beautiful. I read the chorus. I like it as well. It occurred to me to give you a suggestion on the chorus that you couldHe's my used to be , a page of my history

He's my used to be , a page from history
but one I still haven't quite turned
I see him out and it still hurts
After all this time, I should feel like I'm
finally free
guess he's my used to be, that still is

Good work and as always beautiful voice.

Paul

Hello Heather,

Just want to say hello. Love this, and a dozen of these you'll have a great breakthrough record!

Can't wait for that, and hope to hear more of your songs really soon.

Hi Heather,

I think this song is very beautiful. Your vocals are amazing as always, and I love the lyrics. I also love the melody and music, especially the dobro in it. I am partial to dobro, lol.

I think this song would be great to pitch to Reba McIntire, it seems like I can hear her doing it so easily, even though I think it is great as it is just with you doing it.

Letha

Hi Heather,
That was a great song. I can listen to it over and over. It would be nice if it built up a little more, but I am not complaining ... I enjoyed it alot.

Thanks for sharing it.

Sounds like a "hit" Heather. Very appealing.

Best, John

Lovely tune Heather. Well performed. Sounds great.

I relistened and now I think you need to make this little change:

He's my used to be, a page of my history
A page that I still haven't quite turned

The end of chorus phrase 'that still is' doesn't sound so good to me. I think if you played Eb-F-Bb instead of just F-Bb it might be more interesting at that spot.

Something bugged me about the chorus melodically. I like what you're doing basically but it sounds a bit monotone. I plunked your melody out on the piano and found all these strong notes are the same note:

He's my used to be , be , a page of my history
but one I still haven't quite turned
I see him out and it still hurts
after all this time , I shouldn't feel like this
guess he's my used to be , that still is

Ending notes of phrases are important. I personally always pay attention to them. If you WANT a driving, dry, or austere melody then you want lots of phrases to end on the same note. But if you want a pretty melody, one thing they all do is have different ending notes.

I'd encourage you to listen to a bunch of hits in different genres and pay attention to ending notes of phrases. This is an important ingredient for writing good tunes.

I hope you rewrite this is bit. It's a nice tune,

Peace,

Ian

Very nice song that I'm sure most people can relate to....

And a nice hook that ties it in...

I think everyone has a used to be.

Well, it's about time!! I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, lol!

This came out great, I really think you've outdone past vocals I've heard. This feels real, very believable! Great writing and better rewriting!

Good luck, girl!

That one has got hit all over it Heather
wow !!

What can I say??? You're Heather and it sounds wonderful, a hit to me..love to hear you sing, esp. this one...glyn

well, thank you ! thank you ! and thank you ! I appreciate the comments and suggestions yall : )

Ian ...I could hear it going to another chord on THIS now that you mention it..Ill see what happens at the pitch nights and see if they are thinking that ...thanks alot yall

Heather,
That is so pro. Lyric is so conversational but killer, and the melody is just lovely.

I do agree with Monker that a third movement (bridge) would be the ingredient that will make you some money.

You elevate this board,
Tom

Astonishing. I have heard many songs on many forums over the past couple of years (since I wrote my first song). I have yet to hear anything that captures a mood/moment/situation like you did with me - with that song.

I have added you to "my favorite artist" on SC. Quality work.

wow..thanks so much yall..those are such nice comments ! I guess I will see what happens as far as changes ..I'm never above it ! we will see what happens with publishers and things such as that then I may take another walk thru this bar they are in and see if anything new is happening : ) maybe her new man walks in with the picture and says who is this ..OMG and who is that in the corner over there..uhhh : )

I enjoyed my listen too, Heather. Great song! I think a bridge would be a nice compliment to it. I vote for the bridge!

Best wishes.

Hi Heather!

This is just wonderful. Beautiful vocal (as always) against a fabulous arrangement. The lyric is equally good.

Regarding a bridge...this is one of the very few times where I would say it's optional. Normally a bridge is needed or it isn't. If it's not needed and you use one, it clutters the song. If it needs one and it's not there, it leaves the song lacking. however, in this case, I can hear it both ways. As i said, I usually have a definitive opinion about putting in a bridge. If you can add a new element in a couple of quick lines that adds to the story in a way not already said, I think a bridge would be a good idea. Otherwise, I wouldn't do it. That's my opinion.

Also, I can't believe someone rated this as only two stars in Soundclick! I gave a full five because I think it deserves it. Good luck with this one.

Alan

thanks Alan ...I'm all about a bridge most of the time ...not sure on this one ..I am going to see what happens and try and write one in..I may take the chorus melody and spiff it up a bit more too with an extra chord change or two ...thanks so much yall for the help ! Heather

Just listened again and feel a bridge would definintely enhance an already great song!! So here's my vote!

Heather,

This is, in a word, S U P E R B - I wouldn't change a thing.
First class in every respect.

All the best,
Robert

thanks so much Robert and Lynn...hmm..well im gonna keep on thinking on this : )