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Goodbye (rewrite! :) )

Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Goodbye (rewrite! :) ) - 09/17/08 09:21 AM

here is a revised version...thank you AJ for your advice smile

"Goodbye"

After everything that youíve done
You tell me Iím the one
But thatís not how it seems to be
After all of things that you did
The feelings that you hid
I now find myself alone

PRE-CHORUS
Canít you see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me is too real

CHORUS
But itís all over when I say goodbye,
I tried so hard to make things right
But you didnít seem to care
I canít be with you but I tried
And thatís the reason why
I have to say goodbye

I tried to get through to you
But there was nothing I could do
You pretended everything was fine
Thatís when I started to see
That Iím better off with just me
That Iím fine on my own

PRE-CHORUS
Canít you see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me is too real

CHORUS
But itís all over when I say goodbye,
I tried so hard to make things right
But you didnít seem to care
I canít be with you but I tried
And thatís the reason why
I have to say goodbye

(C) Kassie Rogers 2008

_________________________________________________-

Ok..so this is a work in progress.....basically it's a song from the perspective of someone who is about to break up with someone....


"Goodbye"

After everything youíve done
You tell me Iím the one
But Iím not
All of things that you did
The feelings that you hid
From me
I just couldnít get past it
This feeling has lasted
Iím alone

Canít see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me is too real

So this is when I say goodbye,
Itís over
I canít be here anymore
I tried to hard to make things right
But you didnít try at all
So this is why
I have to say goodbye (goodbye)

There was nothing I could do
I tried to talk to you
No reply
You pretended it was fine
Thought youíd always Ďbe mineí
But youíre wrong
Thatís when I started to see
Iím better off just me
On my own

Canít see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me is too real

So this is when I say goodbye,
Itís over
I canít be here anymore
I tried to hard to make things right
But you didnít try at all
So this is why
I have to say goodbye (goodbye)

Posted By: musiclovr89

Re: Goodbye - 09/18/08 03:10 AM

real meaning in these lyrics, they're great.
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye - 09/18/08 09:59 AM

Thank you for your kind words! I look forward to reading some of your lyrics! smile
Posted By: neoism

Re: Goodbye - 09/18/08 10:20 AM

overall nice lyric...flowed well...

the only problem i see is a meter problem..!! the verses don't really conjugate...not contextually...!!

some nice thoughts....and stiff lines...the chorus is well written...

I tried to talk to you
But there was nothing I could do
You werenít there
You pretended it was fine and
Thought youíd always Ďbe mineí
But youíre wrong
Then you made me see that
Iím better off just me
On my own
these lines seemed to be changed...rather altered...i don't know why...but somehow it felt lil not-so-good..

so...this is what i got to say...! if you have music for this then all i have said is a crap...!

hope it helped anyway...and didn't sounded rude...if so...apologies...!!

~Neo~
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye - 09/18/08 10:26 AM

Neo--

Thank you for your comments.... yeah I had a hard time with those few lines too.... I know what I want to say but I can't get it to come out right, you know? hmmmm....I'll definitely have to try again with those. I did have some music in my head while I wrote this but I haven't actually put it to my guitar yet. I will be working on the lyrics. Thank you for the input; it's greatly appreciated wink
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye - 09/19/08 09:09 AM

Ok all--

I've made some changes to the lyrics...tell me what you think! smile any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated
Posted By: susiewhiting

Re: Goodbye - 09/19/08 05:21 PM

Even though the read-through rhyming seemed a little off, I found this a very honest lyric. I like how you've used just plain words to put your point across. I think it is a very nice write.
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye - 09/19/08 08:26 PM

Susie--

Thank you for the comments. I'm not sure how the rhyming is off? but I have some music in my head to go with it that would make is sound better. Thank you again for stopping by and I look forward to reading some of your lyrics smile
Posted By: FHardy

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 09/23/08 07:59 PM

nice write Les Paul Gurl I got a good feel for this didb't see any flow issues maybe a few words could be lost in production but that always happens at least to me .good luck with it .
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 09/24/08 01:34 AM

FHardy--

Thank you for reading! This piece means a lot to me. Hope to read some of your writing soon! Thanks again smile

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: AJ Baker

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/06/08 08:33 AM

Hi Kassie, since i don't know the music i would like to offer a alternate version.AJ

Goodbye
After everything that you've done
You tell me that i'm the one
But that's not the way it seems to be

After all the things that you did
The feelings that you hid
Why is it that i feel so alone

PREchorus:Can't you see how you make me feel
That this pain in me is so real.....

Chorus:It's all over when i say goodbye
I tried so hard to make things right
I can't be here anymore though I've tried
But you didn't bother to try
And that's the reason why
I must say goodbye

There was nothing left i could do
I tried so hard to get through to you
But you pretended that all was fine

You thought you'd always be mine
But then there came a time
When I knew i'd be better off on my own
PreChorus
Chorus
End

AJ

Let me know what you think
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/20/08 09:16 PM

AJ--

Sorry it took me so long to respond! Work is KILLING me right now frown I really like your alternate version. It's really cool. I imagined that my first version would be with a guitar, but this version seems like it would work better with a piano! I love it!!

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: AJ Baker

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/21/08 06:26 AM

Hi Kassie, I sort of play guitar like a piano If you listen to "Out Of Sight,Out Of My Mind" On mp3 feedback forum you'll see what i mean.AJ
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/22/08 01:04 AM

Hi AJ,
I really like your guitar style!! i can see what you mean by it sounding piano-esk. smile

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: Barry Crannell

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/22/08 02:11 AM

Kassie,

I like this, but I'd like to make a suggestion. I mean, that's what we do, right? There are so many perfect, predictable rhymes here and, for my money, I'd like to see a little variation now and then. AJ has done a nice job of giving you a little change-up here, stuff that's well worth using.

OK, 2 cents is all I can afford.

Best with this one,

Barry
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/22/08 02:32 AM

Barry--

I agree...I like where AJ went with it. I think that I will write an alternate version of the song kind of along those lines. I like this one, but I think that it could work great this way too! thank you so much for reading and giving your input smile Have a great day!

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: glynda

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/23/08 06:52 AM

I also agree with AJ, and believe me, I know all too well how this wonderfun man can change a song around and make it magic and as I see , again he has done just that...glyn
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/24/08 08:33 AM

Glyn--

Thanks for taking the time to read smile yes I definitely like what AJ did with it...I think I will have to tweak it along those lines....Have a wonderful weekend!!!

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: AJ Baker

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/24/08 11:58 AM

Hi Kassie,I read your revised version and I found your sixth line to be a little short it should match the fourth line as far as meter.AJ(I now find myself alone) (That i'm better off with just me)would be better here
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/24/08 10:23 PM

AJ--

Thank you again! you have been such a big help with this! smile

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: AJ Baker

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/25/08 12:22 AM

Hi Kassie, i saw where you changed the one line but not the second (that I'm better off with just me)The word with should be in there to have it make sense.AJ
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 10/25/08 10:03 AM

AJ--

Thank you again!! smile What would I do without you!! have a wonderful weekend!!!! smile

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: FASTLIKETREE

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 01/25/09 01:41 PM

Canít you see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me is too real

This is what I read.

Canít you see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me is all too real
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 01/27/09 09:46 AM

Fastliketree--
I like your suggestion! I was also thinking of having it say "this pain inside me is just too real". I'm glad you noticed too smile Nice to meet you and I hope to read some of your work! Welcome to JPF smile

~~Kassie~~
Posted By: FASTLIKETREE

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 01/28/09 12:52 AM

Hey

I like your change better than mine. Just flows very nicely. I would make your suggested change - it seems to help the meter of the line a lot =)
Posted By: FASTLIKETREE

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 01/28/09 01:25 AM

Lyric(A)
All of things that you did
The feelings that you hid
From me

Lyric(B)
Canít see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me is too real

my readings.

Lyric(A)
All of things that you did
The feelings that you hid
Far from me
(this is suggested to match potential melodies for the other parts of the song you use this word structure)


Lyric(B)
Canít see how you make me feel?
This pain inside me all too real
I think all fits better here, i feel like "is" is attempting to avoid stress but is required to take some on.

Posted By: samcman

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 01/29/09 01:22 AM

this is all and all a great song kassie i've been broke up before so i can relate to every verse.
Posted By: les_paul_gurl

Re: Goodbye (any comments/suggestions are appreciated! ;) ) - 01/30/09 06:26 AM

Samuel--

Thank you for stopping by! I'm sorry to hear that you can relate but glad that you like it! Have a wonderful day smile

~~Kassie~~
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