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I bought a new BluesHarp the other day and started fooling around playing a simple key of G progression and this one kind of just jumped out at me.
Thanks for the look.

Bryan
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You Aint From Around Here
by: B K Williamson © 2013

Woke up in Mississippi in Mondays light
They told me I got there Friday night
They said don’t know why you’re here or where you come from
but there’s sure one thing I can tell you son

Chorus:
You aint from around here boy
Might as well be wearin’ a neon sign
Oh you aint from around her boy
You aint from around here
and we don’t like your kind

I tried to stand up but then I fell back down
The pain in my head had me spinnin’ around
I looked down at my feet an’ my shoes were gone
Had cold steel shackles ‘round my ankle bones

A man stood before me with mirrors on his eyes
Had a smile on his face an’ a pistol on his side
As I was thinkin’ of attemptin’ a conversation
He said I bet you don’t remember just what you done

Chorus: =========

I thought an’ I thought ‘till my brain went numb
I was fairly sure I hadn’t killed anyone
I squirmed an’ I twitched an I scratched my head
I wanted to ask but bit my lip instead

He said you’re comin’ ‘round here with your funny accent
You’re drinkin’ an’ talkin’ like a communist
Long hair, beard an’ a Yankee flag
Smokin’ little green flowers from a sandwich bag

Well I cried ‘cause I knew my goose was cooked
They took my picture an’ my prints an’ then I was booked
The next time Daytona is a callin’ my name
I think I’m gonna go via Portland, Mane

Chorus: =========

This is a good write.

I get the impression that all he's guilty of is being different and foreign? or is it because he's smoking something?

bones doesn't rhyme with gone. How about
"My pants were torn and I had cold steel shackles on"

I'm not sure it's a matter of him remembering just what he's done or is it knowing what he's done?

I'm glad to see the title in the chorus.

Just some thoughts. Enjoyed the read.

Interesting story, but the south is not nearly as scary as it was in the decades after the Civil War.

Bryan, I see you are from Louisville. I was born in Louisville and grew up in Middletown. I wounder if you ever go to the NSAI meetings on Bardstown Road.

Jim Colyer

Hey Jim,
Thanks for the look. I was borne down in a little one horse town called Erwin, TN. I used to idealize the south and I hear what you're sayin' but there are parts up in NE TN that still don't believe the Civil war is over.

If you've ever spent any time in Jonesborough you probably know some of their stories. The one that sticks out in my mind the most is when the good people of the area hung an elephant with a crane for breaking out and killing a few patrons of the circus.

I've only lived in Louisville for about six years but haven't had the pleasure of exploring the town like I should.

Best Days,
Bryan

Cool write! reminds me a bit of an old Charlie Daniels song. I don't recall the name but it involved someone with green teeth getting kicked in the shins. Yeah, I guess that's not much to go on but I liked your song. When I read it I can hear a melody forming in my head; always a good sign. Nice bit of story telling also. Looking forward to hearing the music.

Tom W.

Bryan, the tune I was thinking of was called "Uneasy Rider". Your story line follows a different path but the concept brought back the song in my mind.

Hey Tom,

Yeah... I remember that one now. Very popular in the late seventies. I saw old CDB down at Kings Dominion amusement park just north of Richmond, VA. He put on a hell of a show.

Thanks for the read and the kind words. I think it still has some fine tuning to get it where I want it but I appreciate your views.

Best Days,
Bryan

Hey Bryan,
Tweaks, comments below, keep or sweep


Woke up in Mississippi in Mondays light
They told me I got there Friday night
(I've always heard that lyrics should be conversational, and I tend to believe it since most hits are. I don't think it's natural to say you woke up in Monday's light, maybe woke up on Monday, but then you'd lose the rhyme with night, I know. These are the trappings of AABB rhyme schemes...too often, the thought is worded in an awkward way to accommodate the rhyme.)

They said don’t know why you’re here or where you come from
but there’s sure one thing I can tell you son

Chorus:
You aint from around here boy
Might as well be wearin’ a neon sign
Oh you aint from around her boy
You aint from around here
and we don’t like your kind

I tried to stand up but then I fell back down
The pain in my head had me spinnin’ around
I looked down at my feet an’ my shoes were gone
Had cold steel shackles ‘round my ankle bones ([color:#FF0000]gone and bones do not rhyme.[/color] )

A man stood before me with mirrors on his eyes
Had a smile on his face an’ a pistol on his side

As I was thinkin’ of attemptin’ a conversation
He said I bet you don’t remember just what you done
[Be careful with multi-syllable end rhymes ([color:#FF0000]CON ver SA tion)...it's important to make sure that the last syllable falls on the beat when it needs to rhyme with a one syllable word (done). Conversation falls on the 1st and 3rd beats, and -tion is unaccented, making it a weak rhyme for done, which is on the beat.][/color]
Chorus: =========

I thought an’ I thought ‘till my brain went numb
I was fairly sure I hadn’t killed anyone
I squirmed an’ I twitched an I scratched my head
I wanted to ask but bit my lip instead

He said you’re comin’ ‘round here with your funny accent
You’re drinkin’ an’ talkin’ like a communist
End rhymes are falling on different beats again:

[color:#FF0000]AC-cent (falls on 1st beat)
COM-mu-NIST (falls on 1st and 3rd beats)[/color]

Long hair, beard an’ a Yankee flag
Smokin’ little green flowers from a sandwich bag

Well I cried ‘cause I knew my goose was cooked <<--avoid clichés
They took my picture an’ my prints an’ then I was booked
The next time Daytona is a callin’ my name
I think I’m gonna go via Portland, Mane

Hi Shayne,

Thanks for the crit's. Yeah... I kind of just threw this one together w/o giving it much thought. Looks like some good advice.

Best Days,
Bryan