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RogerS Offline OP
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Here's our first attempt working together. Please we need any and all comments,lol. This is a works in progress:


Blondshell 2012 Roger Sosnowskiand John Westwood

V1

Me and the boys had started playin some pool
At Franks fraternity on 5th avenue
The doors blow open. there 's an instant hush
Every guy in the place has that adrenalin rush

V2
There's nothing but legs in those painted on shorts
And that peek a boo halter --well they say less is more
Our hearts were pounding as she walked up to us
She said, it's time to play,boys, rack em up

Chorus

She's a blondeshell a bombshell
Five foot five and so damn hot
She's a blondeshell a bomb shell
We're all mes'merized, hell we can't make a shot
She's a blondeshell a bomshell
The number one star playin out her part
She's a blondeshell a bombshell
She's takin our money and breakin our hearts

V 3

She names her pocket and sinks the eight
We stand there quite helpless, can't concentrate
After a night of winnin she heads out to her truck
Leaving all of us shell shocked feelin down on our luck

Chorus

She's a blondeshell a bombshell
Five foot five and so damn hot
She's a blondeshell a bomb shell
We're all mes'merized, hell we can't make a shot
She's a blondeshell a bomshell
The number one star playin out her part
She's a blondeshell a bombshell
she's takin our money and breakin our hearts

V4

Week after week it always ends up the same
Bunch of guys like us beaten at our game
She wins our money and drinks for free
A helluva way to support her family

Bridge

She heads back home where she knows they wait
And at the end of the day there's more food on the plates

Chorus

She's a blondeshell a bombshell
Five foot five and so damn hot
She's a blondeshell a bomb shell
We're all mes'merized, hell we can't make a shot
She's a blondeshell a bomshell
The number one star playin out her part
She's a blondeshell a bombshell
She's takin our money and breakin our hearts



Roger Sosnowski
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Hey Roger and John!

This is a pretty decent work in progress. On my first read through, the biggest nit I have is that this hot pool hustlerette is actually a mother just out to make money in order to feed her family. It could be that it sort of comes out of left field and is not addressed sufficiently enough to make it believable.

I would do one of two things. Either take out the mother trying to make ends meet altogether (it's only referenced in the last line of V4 and in the bridge) and just let the song be about a smokin' hot babe whose body and good looks make it impossible for the guys to play the game, much less win it.

Or, let the song be about a single mother who has found out that she has a knack for beibg a pool shark, and uses this newly discoverd talent as a unique way of supporting her family. That would make for a very clever lyric. But you would need to develop the character early on in the lyric and make it clear that's what the lyric is about.

You've already got some great verses in place that would support either of these two approaches. As you said, it's a work in progress, but I think it's off to a terrific start.

Good luck, guys!

Greg


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ROGER AND JOHN--

SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT SONG IN THE WORKS-- I'LL BE LOOKING FOR THE VIDEO--COOL!

Mackie

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Hey Roger and John,
Great hook!

Tweaks/comments below, keep or sweep smile


Me and the boys had started playin some pool (Keeping it present tense)
At Franks fraternity on 5th avenue <<--(Too many "f" sounds in this line; maybe "8th avenue"?)
The doors blow open. there 's an instant hush
Every guy in the place has that adrenalin rush

V2
Long tan legs in those painted on shorts
And that peek a boo halter --well they say less is more
Our hearts start pounding as she walks up to us
She says, it's time to play,boys, rack em up

V3
She names her pocket and sinks the eight
We stand there quite helpless, can't concentrate
After a night of winnin she heads out to her truck
Leaving all of us shell shocked feelin down on our luck

Chorus

she's takin our money and breakin our hearts (any phrase related to a broken heart is a major cliche', avoid whenever possible)

V4

Week after week it always ends up the same
Bunch of guys like us beaten at our game




I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase. - Harlan Howard

Co-writing = Compromise!


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RogerS Offline OP
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Hi Greg,

Thanks for taking your time to look this one over. I like your ideas as well. We originally didn't have the mother aspect in the song--but then started questioning why she would be hustling pool and who would let her do that(if she was in a relationship). So we could definitely go either way. I'll talk it over with john for sure. Thanks again and take care,
Roger


Roger Sosnowski
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Hey Roger
I think this is a well written lyric,I do however agree with greg that you should ditch the mother aspect,I would just have her as a girl who's found an alternative to going on the game.

Take it easy
Joe

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Hey Roger
I think this is a well written lyric,I do however agree with greg that you should ditch the mother aspect,I would just have her as a girl who's found an alternative to going on the game.

Take it easy
Joe

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Hi R&J
I like the idea of the lady putting food on the plate.It's got the right potential for a good country number.
I like Shayn'e idea for the long tanned legs v2.
Best of luck with it
Travis


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Thanks for all your comment.

We were looking for a twist in the tale that gave an "AHA I see " moment otherwise it was just another bar, bum and boobs lyric.
No reason we cant do two versions as its unlikely to be pitched
The issue with the continuity and selection tenses has already been addressed thanks shane.

Its only on version 11 so there is along way to go yet
John

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Version 12

Found it .

Blondshell v12



Intro

Us guys are planning on playing some pool

Beers on the table and weve chalked our cues

The doors blow open. there 's an instant hush

Jaws were dropping,

Our girls go home .

Theyve seen enough

V1

She has nothing but legs in those painted on shorts

and that halter topwell less

sure. is .. more

Hearts are pounding as she walks up to us

She said, time to play boys, lets rack em up

The bets are placed and the game is on

Each one hoping that hell be the one



She names her pocket and sinks the eight

We stand there helpless, can't concentrate

After a night of winning she heads for her truck

Leaving all of us shell shocked

Empty in the pocket

down on our luck



Chorus..

she's a blondeshell a bombshell

With her hair way down to there

She's a blondeshell a bomb shell

Tosses her head ,like she dont care

She's a blondeshell a bomshell

Acting out a part

she's a blondeshell a bombshell

breaking young mens hearts ..

V3

Every week it ends up the same

bunch of cowboys beaten at their game

She wins their money and she drinks for free

A helluva way to support her family



Bridge

She heads back home where her family waits

And at the end of the day there's food on their plates



Chorus..

she's a blondeshell a bombshell

Platinum hair way down to there

she's a blondeshell a bombshell

Throws it around pretends not to care

she's a blondeshell a bombshell

Acting out a part

she's a blondeshell a bombshell

breaking young mens hearts

she's a blondeshell a bombshell
she's a blondeshell a bombshell

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Maybe we should combine and edit V3 and bridge to make a new bridge?
Whadderya think?
JOHN

BTW There are deliberate , double entendres

Line 4 in the chrous doesnt sit right with me

Last edited by carrpin; 07/16/12 06:39 AM.
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Me thinks you've got a great idea and start.....then me thinks you lose it.

First, add more reason she's a "blond shell", as it is she's not reading as she should be set apart special from any other woman. She's got painted on shorts, but does she use that to her advantage to get attention away from the shooter she's playing? Is she a master of seduction yet you don't know she is pulling you in until she's got your money out the door?


Second, she doesn't have to have any more reason to hustle pool than any one who knows he's/she's good enough to do it. But, she has a better reason in the fact that you want her to be this fantasy woman so much that she could hustle the chair out from under you for no other reason than she can.
The mother angle made it kind of gross to me. Lost any momentum it had.

The guys should look forward to her coming back, they don't mind losing some to her and after all, it's just a little friendly competition, right? Don't make the guys grumbly about it, leave them awestruck and wanting more. At the same time, theyll have to swear to secrecy to keep the wives from finding out.




Caroline


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RogerS Offline OP
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Hi MAckie,

Well if'n we ever get the lyrics and storyline right--it would be a great video,lol. Thanks for checkin this one out. Take care,
Roger


Roger Sosnowski
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Hi Shayne,

Thanks for your suggestions. John and I have some work to do and we appreciate your suggestions. Take care,
Roger


Roger Sosnowski
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Hi Joe,

We are workin this one over. It looks like the majority don't like the mother twist--so it very well may change. John and I will work it out,lol. Take care,
Roger


Roger Sosnowski
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RogerS Offline OP
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Hi Travis,

Well at least someone liked the mother twist,lol. Thanks for checking this one out. I've got a feeling it ain't done yet,lol. Take care,
Roger


Roger Sosnowski
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RogerS Offline OP
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Hi John,

i'll email you separately. I'm thinking the mother ending may need to be changed. That way we could combine verse 3 and the bridge as well and maybe shorten it up


Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music

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