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Where You Are

Are the mountains high, where you are?
Are the skies blue, where you are?
I asked if we could visit you, but Mama says it's a little bit far
I hope you'll come and visit us, bring a picture of the nighttime stars
'Cause I heard that you can see them in the country

Is the grass green, where you are?
Can you run barefoot, where you are?
Is it true that you can't hear the noise, of trains and planes and of car horns?
Is it true that you have great big fields, of wheat and rice and baby corn?
Will you let me drive the tractor down the driveway?

<bridge>
I sent you a postcard, hoping you'd reply
Dialed your old number, just to ask if you're all right
But Mama says it's useless, 'cause your phone is broken
She said there's no connection, in this place called heaven

I hope you're happy now, where you are
I hope you've made some friends, where you are
I hope you swim in deep blue lakes, I hope you dance and have some fun
I hope you run through plains of grass, and bathe the light of the morning sun
I hope you're happy now, where you're resting

Yeah, I hope you're happy now, where you are


This is written from the perspective of a young girl who lives in the city, who just lost a close relative. Since her mother told her that the relative is now in a place where they cannot reach, she thinks that he/she must now live in the country, an alien place to her. The line 'I hope you're happy now, where you're resting' is meant to imply that she knows that the relative is gone, but something deep inside her refuses to admit it... I hope that comes across.

Hello Moeno and welcome to JPF.

I think your lyric is well done and I think it is self-explanatory based on your last paragraph.

A couple of suggestions - barefoot instead of barefeet. Dialed your old number, instead of random number.

Some of the lines seem wordy, but that really depends on the music and rhythm you are hearing.

Good viewpoint. Try a consistant rhyme scheme for your verses.

Welcome Moena.
You have good thoughts.
I like the last section the best.
Some good points already
That number of "are's" and R rhymes might get a bit boring or sing-songy.
Good thoughts are a good basis. Just needs worked into more song form
Write on

hi and welcome Moena!Once i started reading this,the more i liked it,what a wonderful lyric!

Colin - Thank you! After reading your critique, I had to laugh at myself for using 'barefeet' ... Also, I agree, 'your old number' does sound a little better. I've changed the respective parts, and I'm very happy with the result.

Wyman - I never thought about the song being too repetitive, I'll see what I can do to fix that...this might take a bit of work... but thanks for the advice!

Michael - Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I'll be sure to post more soon.

thegroovedepartment - Thank you for the advice. I'll review the lyrics and see what I can do.

Hi Moeno
My first though was that your lyric might be a lttle to wordy but with the right melody and rhythm it won't matter. I like your theme it's a very original concept which I hope you will set to music at some point.
Well done and welcome to JPF
Travis

Travis - Thank you for your comment. I do have a melody in mind that should go with the lyrics well, but I will omit some unnecessary words if need be.

Hi Moeno,

Welcome to JPF!

I like this a lot...it's very sweet and touching!

One thing that struck me, though, is...who will sing it? It would have to be sung by a young child, or someone who sounds like a young child, to make it believable. Do you think it should be told from a third-person perspective so that an adult can sing it believably?

Or, maybe, keep the verses in the first person, but put the chorus in the third person -- or vice versa.

Best of luck with a sweet one!

Lisa

Lisa - Thank you for your comment. I was thinking of singing this myself, since I'm only 14 years old, but still, it might be hard to pull off even at this age. I was thinking that the overall 'feel' of the song to be a bit similar to Michael Jackson's 'Ben'. Changing it to third person is something to consider ( a little like Martina McBride's 'Concrete Angel'?), but I'm worried that the lyrics might lose its fragility.

Nice sentiment. It is always hard to lose someone you love.

Jim - Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

I think it would be good if you had the first 3 lines in each verse (are) rhyme and third lines (far, car) rhyme in each verse. Also, maybe make the last line in each adjoining verse rhyme. Good thought you have for the song.

thegroovedepartment - The pattern I have for the verses now is meant to be AABBx, and the bridge AABB. I'm a little confused, do you think it would be more pleasing to the ear if it were AAAxx for the verses?

Hey Moeno
A nice sentiment and nicely written,I don't think you need worry too much about the lenght of the lines if you have a melody for it it's fine,if not you can always pare it down when you do.

Joe

hello Moeno and welcome to JPF.

you have received some great comments/suggestions already and I wanted to chime in with mine.

I really think you have captured the moment with this beautiful lyric. All the elements are there for a great "tear jerker". Believe it will be interesting to see what comes out in the re-write(s)

Have fun, keep writing and posting and we will see you around.

douglas

Hi Moeno, welcome (I'm new here too). glad to see your work posted.

I like the song's concept and the innocence of the speaker's voice, poignant and effective emotionally.

Re the last verse's repetitive structure - If the melody carries the repetition of the last verse musically, then I could see it working well - otherwise, perhaps 3rd and 4th line could start with a different phrase (like initial verses) - just a thought.

looking forward to hearing it someday!

holly

Joe, Douglas, Holly - Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. I've taken your comments and suggestions into account.

Hey Moeno,
I like the theme here...but there is a problem as to what major star would sing it, due to the innocence of the child's perspective.

Shayne, thank you for your comment. I didn't really think about that when writing the song. I've tried changing it to third person, but to no avail. I could make the lyrics more mature, but it'll lose the innocence...Hmm.

Very beautifully thought out Moeno.
I imagine it in a musical or film or even part of an ad.
Possibilities are many.
If you can write this at 14 you have everything to look forward to.
Vic