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Lonesome as a Kansas Prairie
© 2011 Cindy Prince

My heart is like a tumble weed
Blowing away with the wind
My life is like a cactus
Because I won’t ever see you again

My journey on from here
Is raw like a bitter frost
My existence is now nothing
Because of what I’ve lost

Chorus
And I’m lonesome
Lonesome as a Kansas prairie
I’m so lonesome
My existence scary
You might hear my moaning
If you listen close
You might hear me calling
A wisp of a ghost

Bridge
We loved the flowers, walking out on the plains
Since you left me, not much else remains

My chances for tomorrow
They seem frozen in place
It all ended for me
When I last saw your face

Repeat Chorus

Hi Cindy,

This feels SO sad and lonesome!

In the first verse, line four -- I think that it somehow needs to relate to the dryness of a cactus, just as line two refers back to the tumbleweed.

Lisa

Hi Cindy.....this needs some work. The cactus line is not very clear as to why you feel like a cactus. In the chorus "my existence is scary" is kinda lazy. I'm from the plains of Kansas and using it for a metaphor has many possibilities. Idea is good do some research and I think you could find something here. Arealrush

Hi Cindy I like what you have written apart from the cactus line which had me wondering what you meant, until Lisa cleared this up for me.
Regards
Travis

Thanks all. I am still working on this. I like the feel of some of it, just have to do some fine-tuning.
Cindy

Cinyrella-Here is a couple of idy's (ideas):

I think you can be a little more specific in some areas to better convey the song's message:

vs.1 My heart's lost like a tumbleweed
Blow'n nowhere with the wind

Line four as others above have said doesn't relate to line three-(the cactus). I'm trying to find a way for you to keep the "cactus line" in your song. For instance:

Like a cactus flower,
I'm so alone, wonder'n if I'll see you again

If you use flower here you may want to not repeat "flowers" in your Bridge, but I think you still can. You could still say "I know I'll never see you again." (If the music pace allows) But do you want to be that final in your feelings-he didn't die did he? If that would be the case, the listner should know or easily surmize so.

I like Bridges to make strong statements and let the verses tell the story and the chorus's accentuate or reiterate the song's message in general.

Your last vs sounds a little bleak, but that could be ok--there are people that feel that low with heartache. I'm not sure that I get the last line in the last verse--how could seeing her face end it all for him? Would like to hear the music with the song, as that sometimes will alter another songwriter's final critique slightly as they are more aware of the timing patterns. Another nice thing about critiques in general (which I'm sure you already know) is that the combined constructive criticism sometimes stimulates the songwriter to find their own different avenues or direction making a re-write even take an improved different direction, as one small change can open up different thoughts to appear. Recently, Colin W suggested for me to change a couple lines in one of my songs--which I agreed with his him--and low and behold, those changes gave rise to other changes which improved my song as well. (So now when I have finished a song, I'll make sure he doesn't see it, because he'll just create more work for me--just kidding)! Good luck Cindi and don't stay out past mid-night, steady-eddie.

Thanks for the great post to this song-but you are making me work! ha ha. That is what it is all about. I learn something every time.
CIndy

Hi Cindy, I think the idea to use a desert to describe being lonely is good, but you may do better to stick to one metaphor and not switch from that to a ghost, to frozen...and work around that. good luck:) Kim

Thanks Kim. I haven't redone this one yet- I keep getting new ideas for songs! I will get to this.
Cindy