|
7 members (Gary E. Andrews, texritter, bennash, Guy E. Trepanier, Fdemetrio, 2 invisible),
17,317
guests, and
6,208
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
First Rewrite. Changed the 2nd verse and added many suggestions from Donna. Thanks again Donna
All In My Mind
Verse1
Floatin on a mattress in my easy set pool
Wearing Bermuda shorts, looking really cool
Feeling the breeze, and the suns shinning hard
A touch of Caribbean in the middle of my yard
Chorus1
Though I'm broke, I can find relaxation
Dodge the daily grind, with the ultimate vacation
No tickets, no money, no waiting in line
When the travlin I'm doing, is all in my mind
Verse2
Watching Venezuela's amazing Angel Falls
Cascading waters, creating beautiful swirls
The wonders I see traveling the world agin
A tick on my list, of exotic places I've been
Chorus1
Though I'm broke, I can find relaxation
Dodge the daily grind, with the ultimate vacation
No tickets, no money, no waiting in line
When the travlin I'm doing, is all in my mind
Verse3
The girl of my dreams is looking straight at me
Can't turn her eyes away, seems I'm all she can see
She looks so exotic, at the beach-front tourist bar
Hey bud, its a poster, someone shouts from his car
Chorus1
Though I'm broke, I can find relaxation
Dodge the daily grind, with the ultimate vacation
No tickets, no money, no waiting in line
When the travlin I'm doing, is all in my mind
Bridge
I was born to travel first-class in my mind
I'd dream of space trips on behalf of mankind
When I got older, I came back down to earth
Never forgetting what a good dream's worth
Chorus2
No bags to pack when I take my vacation
One day, week or month, no sense in waiting
I have it down to a fine art, streamlined
Can travel any place my mind feels inclined
All in My Mind"
Verse1
Floatin on a mattress in my easy set pool
Wearing Bermuda shorts, looking really cool
Feeling the breeze, and the sun shining hard
I've got some Caribbean in the middle of my yard
Chorus1
Even though I'm broke, I can find relaxation
Escaping daily grind, with the ultimate vacation
No tickets, no money or waiting in line
When the travlin I'm doin is all in my mind
Verse 2
Sweet talking to a honey lightly clothed by the fire
Dancing flames and heat kinda fueling our desire
My eyes came back in focus, it wasn't no surprise
To see the fire burning was in my bosses eyes
Chorus1
Even though I'm broke, I can find relaxation
Escaping daily grind, with the ultimate vacation
No tickets, No money or waiting in line
When the travlin I'm doin is all in my mind
Verse3
The girl of my dreams is looking straight at me
Can't turn her eyes way, seems I'm all that she can see
She looks so exotic, at the beach front tourist bar
Hey buddy, its a poster, a driver shouts from his car
Chorus1
Even though I'm broke, I can find relaxation
Escaping daily grind, with the ultimate vacation
No tickets, No money or waiting in line
When the travlin I'm doin is all in my mind
Bridge
I was born with a first class ticket for traveling in my mind
As a kid I'd dream of space travel on behalf of all mankind
Then when I became a bit older I came back down to earth
But still I have my daydreams ,cause I know what a good dreams worth
Chorus2
There's no bags to pack when I take my vacation
One day,week, or month no sense in waiting
Got it down to a fine art, everything's streamlined
When all the travlin I'm doin is always in my mind
Last edited by RogerS; 12/04/10 04:21 PM.
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Roger,
Very cool! I sent you a PM:)
Take care,
Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi Dottie,
Good catches. As you can see I've already made some changes. I really should get some glasses that I can see out of. LOl. Far as verse 2--I was thinking it was still aabb--but I know it's real close to being aaaa. Lets see how it shakes out. I'm glad you liked it. Take care,
Roger
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067
Top 200 Poster
|
|
Top 200 Poster
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,067 |
Roger, Enjoyed the read, very good. Some tweaks below, keep or sweep  Escaping daily grind, with the ultimate perfect(seems to fit the meter better) vacation Verse 2 My eyes came back in focus, it was n't no surprise To see the fire I saw burning was in my bosses eyes Verse3 Can't turn her eyes way, seems I'm all that she can see
“I usually start with a title or maybe a little rhyme or phrase.” - Harlan Howard
Co-writing = Compromise!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1
Top 20 Poster
|
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1 |
Roger--
I can see more with my eyes closed than open--I can still go a lot of places in my mind--I don't know for how much longer--but I do it all the time--I guess we are all DREAMERS............When I can't see the pictures anymore........I'll have to learn Braille.
A good one you have penned here--
Mackie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi Shayne,
Thanks for checking this one out. I like your suggestions and will run them by Roy. Glad you enjoyed this one. Take care,
Roger
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi MAckie,
Thanks for checking this one out. Hope I can see the pictures for quite awhile cause I'm not real good with braille. Lol. Take care,
Roger
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2 |
In this one I wonder if the girl of the subject's dream was also his boss. The way that one verse was written makes it sound that way. Don't know if this is what you have in mind for this scenario. It is for sure about some kind a fantasy, dreaming of escape from a job that never seems over, where you constantly need to put in more time.
Peace,
Brian
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9
Top 40 Poster
|
|
Top 40 Poster
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9 |
Almost there Roger. I agree with R. Shayne. Keep going.
Vic
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2 |
Lots of nice imagery in this relaxing description. I've made a few suggestions (below). Keep or sweep.  Donna All in My Mind" Verse1 Floatin on a mattress in my easy set pool Wearing Bermuda shorts, looking really cool Feeling the breeze, and the sun shining hard I've got some Caribbean in the middle of my yard Chorus1 The metering is much the same as in the verses. Perhaps tighten up the chorus to add lyrical/melodic variety?Even though I'm broke, I can find relaxation Escaping Dodge the daily grind, with the ultimate vacation "Escape" works with "daily grind" as well, but "dodge" gives you some alliteration.No tickets, no money or no waiting in line When the travlin I'm doin is all in my mind Verse 2 Was sweet talking to a half-naked honey lightly clothed by the fire Stronger image, plus alliteration.Dancing flames and heat kinda fueling our desire When my eyes came back in focus, it wasn't no surprise To see the burning fire burning was in my boss 's eyes Chorus1 Even though I'm broke, I can find relaxation Escaping daily grind, with the ultimate vacation No tickets, No money or waiting in line When the travlin I'm doin is all in my mind Verse3 The girl of my dreams is looking straight at me Can't turn her eyes away, seems I'm all that she can see She looks so exotic, at the beach -front tourist bar Hey buddy, its a poster, a driver someone shouts from his car More alliteration. Chorus1 Even though I'm broke, I can find relaxation Escaping daily grind, with the ultimate vacation No tickets, No money or waiting in line When the travlin I'm doin is all in my mind Bridge Suggest shortening the bridge so that it'll have a stronger impact.I was born with a first class ticket for traveling to travel first-class in my mind As a kid I'd dream of space travel trips on behalf of all mankind Then when I became got a bit older I came back down to earth But still I have my daydreams ,cause I still know what a good dream 's worth Chorus2 There's no bags to pack when I take my vacation One day,week, or month no sense in waiting Got it down to a fine art, everything's streamlined When all the travlin I'm doin is always in my mind The end word "streamlined" doesn't match the cadence of "in my mind". Perhaps opt for another end word for line 3 here? For example, "Got it down to a fine art, the planning's fine". Just a random thought.
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.
Life is too important to take seriously.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,237 Likes: 16
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,237 Likes: 16 |
I love the idea of mind trips with the one you love, it's a great hook ...we all take 'em far too often by ourselves but this is even better. Lovely song~~~~MFB III
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi Everyone,
Just posted this rewrite. Special thanks to Donna for her suggestions--most of which we used. Let us know which version you like better. Take care,
Roger
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,688 Likes: 1
Top 20 Poster
|
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,688 Likes: 1 |
Great stuff here and man, how I can hear Kenny Chesney singing this.....way to go you two...glyn
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096 |
Roger and Roy,
Great changes.
It reads real well.
Good song!
Geneva
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi Brian,
Thanks for checking this one out. Actually we didn't write it that way but I can see why you thought that. Since your feedback we have rewritten the 2nd verse. Not sure if we're still happy with it--time will tell. Thanks and take care,
Roger
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi Vicarn,
I'm glad you liked this one. Open to any suggestions you might have that will make it better. Thanks for taking time to look this one over. This is another one that slipped thru the cracks as far as me getting my comments up to date. TThanks and take care,
Roger
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1 |
Hi Donna,
Wow--I was going through some of my older songs and realized I never finished feedback on this one. Don't know how this one got away. At any rate--thanks for the suggestions and I will send them out to Roy. I know we haven't talked about this song in quite awhile. Thanks again and have a MErry Christmas,
Roger
Roger Sosnowski
The happiest people in life are those involved in music
|
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
|
Forums118
Topics128,681
Posts1,184,437
Members21,478
| |
Most Online148,207
May 25th, 2026
|
|
|
"Through the positive and supportive examples we are setting, it is becoming apparent that where our Just Plain Folks lead, the music world will follow!" -Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|
