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Here's a country ballad....I have taken the advise of my cohorts on the site and drastically changed the verses.
Your critiques are appreciated....Thanks guys for the advice.

mike

Nowhere Left to Fall
(c) 2011 OpenMikeMusic

v1
I'm so alone sometimes it's gettin' hard for me to breathe
Tears ain’t flowed like this since I was two or three
when I’d fall down, I'd cry on the ground 'til mama came
she'd pick me up an' hold me tight, 'til I'z back on my feet again.
v2
Now I’m trapped inside a free fall cause my girl is gone
Held captive by a memr'y that won't let me move along
The light that shined so bright with mama's love,
this time, it ain't enough and darkness is creepin'up


'cause It's humblin'
as I'm tumblin'
into nothin’
when there's

(C)

Nowhere left to fall
nowhere safe to stand
No one left to phone
to be there when I land
Jesus, if you hear me
are you holding out your hand
'cause I hear you're the one to call
when there's nowhere left to fall

v3
I'm so afraid sometimes it's gettin’ hard for me to see
the beauty in my life with darkness all around me
The fall came fast as I watched her drive away
and the little things she’d do, grow larger every day

v4
Hard believin' I'll be okay still fallin' fast.
I’m not sure how long this trip is gonna last
Lord, I'm finally down here on my knees to pray
Will you hold me close, today, so I won't fall away...

Bridge

If all my faith is gone,
will I slip right through your hands?
Will I plummet into darkness
to die this bitter man?
Look into my heart, Lord,
inside you'll find a seed
that my mama planted
and only you can feed

then maybe I'll believe

'cause It's humblin'
as I'm tumblin'
into nothin’
when there's

No where left to fall
nowhere safe to stand
No one left to phone
to be there when I land
Jesus, do you hear me
will you open up your hand
if I've got nothin' left at all
and nowhere left to fall.

tag

Jesus, will you find me
somewhere safe to land
if I have no more faith at all
and nowhere left to fall.

Alright Blues...

I gotta tell ya, you have a really cool hook here. The story needs tightening a bit.

I feel that the singer is in a freefall reflecting on his lost love and is calling on Jesus as his final hope for salvation.
Focus on that and re-write the references to standing and landing as an afterthought or as no longer valid options.

This is a great start. Keep on pluggin'!!

Peace,

Dave

I think I see what you are saying...but also (IMHO) he's wanting to land (on Jesus)....he's wanting to stand (on his own feet) but his freefall prevents that....Is that reaching?
I dunno......can I get a second on either opinion?
Thank you Dave, This is just the feedback I need.
mike

This is a toughie! My brain is too tired to pick it apart right now... but wanted to stop by to tell you I like where it's going. I really like your Chorus/Hook, and Bridge. I will have to consider the rest tomorrow evening, but I can say this much... story aside, I couldn't find a solid rhyme pattern in the verses to lock onto to keep it flowing for me. I'll come back!


--Jen

Hi Mike

I have to say that I love the idea and for me the chorus flows really well. The hook is in good prominence in the chorus as well.

With the verses, I couldn't find a rhyme to lock me in so IMO the verses do need an overhaul.

That doesn't mean its wrong, just that I am a rhyme guy.

I also notice that the first line of each verse is much longer than the other lines in the verse. again may not be wrong but for me it is. The first line could almost be two lines.

I hope that you don't mind but I will doodle a bit on verse one to see what happens when its cut down some and a bit of rhyme added. If you like it then maybe the other verses could be worked on. I will have another look at the rest if you want. Just ask.

As I said the chorus really does it for me.

If I have gone beyond what you wanted or changed what you wanted to say then, sorry. KOS


I'm so alone sometimes it's hard to breathe
Was never much for crying,
but lately tears just seem to roll
like they did when I was young,
an' mama'd hold me 'til I'z done,
then back outside to play.

to

v1
I'm so alone sometimes
And I cry like when I was young
But then my tears would end
When mama'd hold me 'til I'z done

God Bless Roy and Helen

Thanks guys, no, I am starting to see the error of my ways on the verses here. I basically begin writing with a three chord harmony and a time signature somewhere between 4/4 and for-get it so it's easy for me to flub the meter while I write.
I'll work these verses.
Thank you Roy and Jen
michael

HiDee BluesBro!

I like V3..as a Start Point, GREAT Chorus, Fine Bridge...Think it'd work well sans V1 & 2, Less is Sometimes More...

All JMO...& WITH Your Guitar & Vocs, should be a Fine One!

Good Luck with a Good'n' Amigo!
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Thanks Stan,

Not quite sure what you were saying about v1 and 2...say again....over..

mike

Now this is looking much better... easier for me to pick up the story line, and see what's really working and what isn't.

First 2 verses and into the Chorus looks real good. (I also love that little pre-chorus part... I loved it in the original, too, so I'm glad you kept it there!)

From there, looks like it still needs a little tweaking.. just some ideas here, kos:

v3
I'm so afraid sometimes it's becomin’ hard to see
the beauty in my life with darkness all around me
THE FALL CAME FAST as I watched her drive away
and the little things she’d do, GROW larger every day

v4
HARD BELIEVIN' I'LL BE OK WHILE fallin' fast.
I’m not sure how long this trip is gonna last
So I'M finally down HERE on my knees to pray
Lord, THIS HAS SHOWN ME I NEED YOU TODAY

Bridge

If all my faith is gone, lord
will I slip right through your hands?
Will I plummet into darkness
to die this bitter man?
Look into my heart, Lord,
inside you'll find a seed
that my mama planted
and only you can feed
PLEASE SAVE ME, I'll believe

'cause It's so humblin'
as you're tumblin'
into nothin’
when there's

No where left to fall
nowhere safe to stand
No one left to phone
to be there when I land
Jesus, do you hear me
will you open up your hand
if I've got nothin' left at all
and nowhere left to fall.

repeat chorus ***ON THE LAST CHORUS, ENDING 2 LINES:
'CAUSE I'VE GOT NOTHIN' LEFT AT ALL
ONLY YOU KNOW WHERE I FALL


tag

He's the one to call
when there's nowhere left to fall.

Wow, what an improvement Mike.

I really do like it now.

One for me to follow.

I do have one nit, which may be imagined on my part lol

On the pre-chorus yoy say 'as you're tumblin'

Then in the 4th line of the chorus you say 'I'

As the first 4 lines sound like its a comment about all in general, maybe change it to 'you'
Then the switch to 'I' in the last 4 lines of the chorus is fine.

Just IMO. and I could be wrong. I know I am real nit-picking. Cant help myself.

God Bless Roy and Helen

'cause It's humblin'
as you're tumblin'
into nothin’
when there's

(C)

Nowhere left to fall
nowhere safe to stand
No one left to phone
to be there when YOU land
Jesus, if you hear me
are you holding out your hand
'cause I hear you're the one to call
when there's nowhere left to fall

Jen,

You're awesome. Already replaced a few of the old with a few of your suggs.
Thankee,
blues.

Just a thought for the last line of verse two Mike. KOS

God Bless Roy and Helen

Now I’m trapped inside a free fall cause my girl is gone
but I shoulda been on my feet by now, shoulda moved along
but mama's not around to ease my pain,
Maybe time to do some prayin'

That's an awesome line Roy.....'cept I don't contemplate a prayer until v 4. It could work since it merely suggests a prayer, where in v4, I'm ready to speak in tongues. (ha)
Hmmmmm dunno....maybe.
Always appreciated,
mike

Hi! It's looking pretty good.I think the concept is good and I LOVE the pre-chorus and the chorus. I think the rhyme scheme needs some tweaking on the 1st 2 verses. You have a distinct pattern in the other verses. Also you may want to say something in V1 about how when you fell, as a kid, you'd get back up. You might be crying but you were still able to stand and turn to your mama, fall into her arms and find comfort. Keep working on it and I think you may a great lyric! I look forward to hearing it with music as well.

Jennifer

I made some changes as you so keenly pointed out. Let me know if it was what you meant. Good sugg. Thank you

And Roy....I was wrong I did suggest a prayer there in the 1st 2nd verse....so your sug was a good one and I will consider.

Thank you er'body,
mike

That's better. Perhaps in V2, instead of using the word "way" again you might say-

perhaps I'd better pray, can't wait another day

It's getting there! Good luck!

Thnx Jen, Will do just that.
Jeez, pretty soon, I won't be able to call this one mine. (ha)
Appreciate all the tremendous help from those who saw through the muck to it's potential. Still more to do.
Cheers, ya'll,
blues

Oh ok roy, I see the "you're" and raise you an "I'm".
Got it...missed that earlier.
Thank you, brother.

Verse 3 is real strong, awesome chorus and bridge, gonna be a great song!

Geneva

Really appreciate you stopping in. If you've got any advice to strengthen V 1, 2 and 4, plz, don't be shy.
Good getting an "atta boy" from ya.
uhhh, Nice Boat!
Thank you
mike

Hopin' to get some solid advice on improving v1, 2 and 4.
Gratuitous post bump.
Thankee

Hey, Blues!! Ok, now that I'm looking at it again with eyes that haven't seen it in awhile, I'd say with all the revisions, you have everything you need, but it needs trimmed and polished. You have too much, imo, and parts are repeating, and other parts are just unnecessary filler. But, I always feel it's better to have too much, that way, you can pick and choose what parts are best for keeping. I've done a little re-write here, combining parts (and maybe adding just a little in areas that I thought could be made stronger.) But mostly, I condensed, keeping everything that was significant to the story/theme. I feel V1 gave too much attention to Mama, for instance. Anyway, just read it, see what you think, KOS.


v1
I'm so alone sometimes it’s getting’ hard to breathe
THIS TIME MAMA ISN'T HERE TO PUT ME BACK ON MY FEET
THIS FREE-FALL HAPPENED FAST, WATCHIN' MY GIRL DRIVE AWAY
OH, ALL THE LITTLE THINGS SHE'D DO, ARE LARGER NOW, TOO LATE

AND It's humblin'
as I'm tumblin'
into nothin’
when there's

(C)

Nowhere left to fall
nowhere safe to stand
No one left to phone
to be there when I land
Jesus, if you hear me
are you holding out your hand
'cause I hear you're the one to call
when there's nowhere left to fall

v2
I'm so afraid sometimes it's becomin’ hard to see
THAT I'LL BE OK, FALLING THIS FAST, WITH HER DARK GOOD-BYE TO SHROUD ME --or WITH HER GOOD-BYE SHROUDING ME
So I'M finally down here on my knees to pray
I don't know you, lord or know just how to say

Bridge

If all my faith is gone,
will I slip right through your hands?
Will I plummet into darkness
to die this bitter man?
Look into my heart, Lord,
inside you'll find a seed
that my mama planted
and only you can feed
then maybe I'll believe

'cause It's humblin'
as I'm tumblin'
into nothin’
when there's

No where left to fall
nowhere safe to stand
No one left to phone
to be there when I land
Jesus, do you hear me
will you open up your hand
if I've got nothin' left at all
and nowhere left to fall.

tag

Jesus, will you find me
somewhere safe to land
if I have no more faith at all
and nowhere left to fall.



---Jen

All good fodder to consider..you are a wonderful writer....I've a lot to learn.

Thanks Jen

Mike,
Suggestions below, keep or sweep

I'm so alone sometimes it’s getting’ hard for me to breathe


when I’d fall down, I'd cry on the ground 'til mama came

v2

but mama's not here anymore to help me find my way

I'LL KEEP!!!!Thanks Shayne. I know it sounded short but I was singing it differently...however, I am having meter problems and should stretch it some. Just feels more natural with the added words.
Tremendous help...thank you.

Mike Wow, it's comming along great!

No, it's comming along awesome!

Shayne suggestion for line 1 verse 1 is right on to make the wording conversational.

IMHO, it needs that same change again in line 1 verse 3.

If it throws off your meter to much maybe "I feel so alone", or "I've been so afraid" addind another word to those lines.

I think verse 2 is weak though line 1 is a great line.

I hope this helps though its just my oppinion, doesn't mean I'm right by a long shot, you could take it so many directions!

I might come up with an idea or 2 Keep or toss

v2
Now I’m trapped inside a free fall cause my girl is gone
Held captive by a memr'y that won't let me move along
but mama taught me a few things that were good for me
Like when in doubt pray, you'll get what you need

or maybe

Now I’m trapped inside a free fall cause my girl is gone
I'm wrapped around a memr'y that keeps me hangin' on
Mama if you're listening from somewhere up above
Won'tcha tell me one more time, that story about love





Geneva

All wonderful suggestions....I see v2 weakness and will work it.
This is truly becoming a group effort.....might have to change the name of the song from "Nowhere Left to Fall" to "No One Left to Ask." (ha)
Thanks Gen, I will use the second line in your first example of revamping v2. Both are good but your first sugg, better...then I need to make those last two lines "pop" going into the chorus. Yours certainly has more "pop" than mine...I am on it and thanks EVERYONE for makin this a community affair.
blues

Geneva


How 'bout this for v2...

v2
Now I’m trapped inside a free fall cause my girl is gone
Held captive by a memr'y that won't let me move along
Mama, the light you've held so high in the name of love,
this time, it ain't enough, to keep me from breaking up

Hi Mike,

I wouldn't talk directly to mama since the song isn't to mama and you speak to Jesus in the chorus.

You could reword line 3 and that'd work.

Since he's free fallin', maybe mama was his lifeline.


Something like:

Now I’m trapped inside a free fall cause my girl is gone
Held captive by a memr'y that won't let me move along
Mama was the lifeline I held high in the name of love,
this time, it ain't enough, to keep me from breaking up

Or line 4
Her sound advise one more time might keep me from breakin' up

Her sound advise might be enough to keep me from breakin' up


Geneva

Got it


How bout this.....

Now I’m trapped inside a free fall cause my girl is gone
Held captive by a memr'y that won't let me move along
The light that shined so bright with mama's love,
this time, it ain't enough, to keep me from breaking up

Sounding great Mike!

Geneva

Thanks to you'z guys.
mb

I just thought I'd check back. This song has really developed well! I hope to hear it with music soon! Good luck with ti!

Thanks Jennifer....Everyone has been so helpful and full of suggestions, as you were.....Still a little ways to go, having trouble writing a melody for this one.
It'll get there.
thanks Jen
Mike

Hi Mike, this has progressed in leaps and bounds with ideas since it appeared on the forum.
A particularly strong chorus, like it all though.
Best of luck when you write the music
Regards
travis

Same to you, with "Tupelo Sally"...All the ingredients are there....Awesome how the JPF, uhhh, folks, rally around a piece that has potential....I must have edited this 30 times, most with lil tid-bits and suggs offered up by a talented team of songwriters.....
Thank you for looking in Travis...and good luck with "Sally."

blues

Hi Blues,

I'm seeing this for the first time after all of the edits apparently, and I think it's a very lovely piece! I love the tie-in with mama and the girl and Jesus...the flow is great!

Lisa

Think I am trying too hard on the melody...you would think it would just jump out at me but, uhhh....no.
Tough for this ole' rocker.
Thank you, Lisa.
Was hoin' you'd take a gander. 'preciate it.

mike