JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Sadie Grey (Shady Lady) Travis/Roy Cooper 8th & Final Rewrite

Great additions -- this is quite a tale! I love the ending with Sadie in her prime!

Lisa

Yea Roy did a good job here Lisa. Thanks for looking again.Your advice is alawys welcome
Regards
Travis

As requested, a couple more comments.
I hope they're useful.

Donna


re-write 5

Sadie Grey. (Shady Lady) Blues/Country Blues

(c) John Vaughan/Roy Cooper 2011

v1
Sky'sSkies were red and thunder roared Red isn't a colour associated with thunder storms (usually it's grey/dark, green, even yellow or orange). Since it's night, I suggest simply "black".
On the night Sadie Grey was born
Some said it was an omen
The strength In the guise of the a lightning storm For a smoother flow, try to meter this line with line 3 in verse 2. The term "the strength of" sounds too technical.
Her mother screamed obscenities
'cause they said When she learned she'd had a girl
Working She worked the land, she'd and wanted a boy
A daughter could go to hell

v2
As Sadie grew, some folks taunted her
Said she was the devil's own
Hearing mum, she'd She learned to lie and learned to curse The word "mum" sounds too cosy, and odd in the context.
So others left well her alone
But And Sadie Grey found an ace card had a hidden ace We already know an ace means a card.
She played when she was older
Could tempt the men, pull them in
Promising they could hold her

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v3
Sadie upped and moved to town,
An' worked the streets at night
Had rich old men all queuing up I still don't find the notion of a street hooker and queues of rich old men entirely credible. Sorry, guys. Plus, how many rich old men are there in that presumably small town?
Saying they would see her right
Over the years, they let her down
Most just Only taking what they wanted
She got grew older, lost her looks
Her face was drawn and haunted

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

But Sadie Grey kept secrets
Had a plan she didn't share
Made some wise investments
Became a millionaire Again, I can't equate this with Sadie being a simple streetwalker.Perhaps there needs to be mention somewhere of her not being a typical streetwalker, e.g. using drugs or alcohol, but carefully saving up her earnings. I feel this would give the character more depth and would add credibility to the story.
When she died, they read her will
She owned near half the town
Said town folk could have it all
If they'd let her hang around

Tag: Too long for a tag, I think. It's really another verse.
Sadie had a last request, something made with care
A life size statue, to be placed in central square
Men line up to look at it, say it looks divine
Yep, there she proudly stands, Sadie in her prime

A shortened, very rough example.

Sadie's last request was to stand in central square
In the form of a statue to be admired there

Yep, there she proudly standsNow she stands there for all time, Sadie in her prime [/quote]

Thanks Donna for coming back with some more suggestions. Sometimes it hard to see little things when your too close to something.

As usual you come up trumps.

I will have a play round with the lyrics in a while

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

The storm issue is open to debate I think Donna, depending on the location and the time of the year. In summer I think we could pass this. Winter climate is a little more ambiguous and as you rightly advised.
I sound like the bloody weather man here-On tomorrow's chart

I know what you mean, Travis, but I think most people associate red with sunset, which is at odds with the birth being at night. That's what I was getting at.

Donna

Maybe the red sky could be the omen?

I Googled and found something about red skies at night -- I just skimmed this and don't understand whether it's just folklore or whether it is possible as a fluke. Here's the link, just for fun! I noticed that there's some Biblical reference about a red sky at night.

http://www.loc.gov/rr/scitech/mysteries/weather-sailor.html

Thanks Donna and Lisa. You know what country folk say? Red sky at night-barn on fire!
I'm sure Roy will be around shortly

Just got back from a walk to the shops, and was thinking about those red skies.

Though "red skies at night" refer - I believe - to the colours of late sunset (as opposed to "red skies in the morning"- sunrise, and not good for fishermen/sailors), I was thinking that if you said something about the the unusualness of the sky turning blood red even thought it was night and would normally have been dark, this could tie in with the notion of the omen.

Amazing how a tiny detail can elicit so much thought.

Donna

You are so right Donna. I have gone for Black sky.. no ambiguity then lol

Roy

Ok here is the 6th re-write.

Thanks again to all (Donna, Douglas, Lisa, Vic, Mackie and everyone for the comments and suggestions. Very useful to us.

As the tag flowed like a verse anyway (and was long enough) and we didn't want to lose it, we changed it to a verse. with some re-writing of it.

further comments thoughts and suggestions always welcome

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis


re-write 6

Sadie Grey. (Shady Lady) Blues/Country Blues

(c) John Vaughan/Roy Cooper 2011

v1
The sky was black, thunder roared
On the night Sadie Grey was born
Some said it was an omen
In the guise of a lightning storm
Her mother screamed obscenities
When she learned she'd had a girl
She worked the land, and wanted a boy
A daughter could go to hell

v2
As Sadie grew, folks taunted her
Said she was the devil's own
She learned to lie and learned to curse
So others left her alone
And Sadie Grey had an ace card
She played when she was older
Could tempt the men, pull them in
Promising they could hold her

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v3
Sadie moved to a major town
Worked from a room in main street
Soon built herself a client list
Only the rich, well-off, elite
Over the years, they let her down
Only taking what they wanted
She grew older, lost her looks
Her face was drawn and haunted

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v4
But Sadie Grey kept secrets
Had a plan she didn't share
Made some wise investments
Had become a millionaire
When she died, they read her will
She owned near half the town
Said town folk could have it all
If they'd let her hang around

v5
Sadie Grey left one demand
A statue in central square
She'd already had it made
By an artist with real flair
Men lined up to look at it
'cause it really looked divine
No one turns their eyes away
From Sadie, captured in her prime

Now she's there for all time, Sadie in her prime

"Will this do?"

I think so lol.

Roy

hey you two, this really looks great, you can see all the hard work ya'll put into it, still will be wonderful to see it come alive with music and vocals...


glyn

Ok here is the 7th Final re-write.

We think this is finished now.

Added a bridge to enhance the story and made a few changes.

went from Major town, which didn't sound right to a City.

And added the element of payback.. sort of.

We hope it works

Comments are welcome.

Thanks again to all.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis


Final re-write 7

Sadie Grey. (Shady Lady) Blues/Country Blues

(c) John Vaughan/Roy Cooper 2011



---------------------------------------------

Ok here is the 7th Final re-write.

We think this is finished now. Comment are welcome.

Thanks again to all.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis


re-write 7

Sadie Grey. (Shady Lady) Blues/Country Blues

(c) John Vaughan/Roy Cooper 2011

v1
The sky was black, thunder roared
On the night Sadie Grey was born
Some said it was an omen
In the guise of a lightning storm
Her mother screamed obscenities
When she learned she'd had a girl
She worked the land, and wanted a boy
A daughter could go to hell

v2
As Sadie grew, folks taunted her
Said she was the devil's own
She learned to lie and learned to curse
So others left her alone
And Sadie Grey had an ace card
She played when she was older
Could tempt the men, pull them in
Promising they could hold her

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v3
Sadie Grey moved to the city
Worked from a room in main street
Soon built herself a client list
Only the rich, well-off, elite
Over the years, they let her down
Only taking what they wanted
She grew older, lost her looks
Her face was drawn and haunted

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v4
Sadie Grey was real careful
Had wealth she didn't share
Made some wise investments
Become a multi-millionaire
When she died, they read her will
She owned some prime estate
Said the city could have it all
If they followed her mandate

bridge
They had tolerated Sadie Grey, 'cause she only worked at night
She was a necessary evil, hidden, out of sight
But City Hall, they gave in to greed, after they debated
Honor the will of Sadie Grey, whom they'd slandered and berated

v5
Sadie Grey left just one demand
A statue in central square
She'd already had it made
By an artist with real flair
Now men line up to look at it
'cause it really looks divine
No one turns their eyes away
From Sadie, captured in her prime

Now she's there for all time, Sadie in her prime

-----------------------------------------------

Ok here is the 7th Final re-write.

We think this is finished now.

Added a bridge to enhance the story and made a few changes.

went from Major town, which didn't sound right to a City.

And added the element of payback.. sort of.

We hope it works

Comments are welcome.

Thanks again to all.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis


Final re-write 7

Sadie Grey. (Shady Lady) Blues/Country Blues

(c) John Vaughan/Roy Cooper 2011

v1
The sky was black, thunder roared
On the night Sadie Grey was born
Some said it was an omen
In the guise of a lightning storm
Her mother screamed obscenities
When she learned she'd had a girl
She worked the land, and wanted a boy
A daughter could go to hell

v2
As Sadie grew, folks taunted her
Said she was the devil's own
She learned to lie and learned to curse
So others left her alone
And Sadie Grey had an ace card
She played when she was older
Could tempt the men, pull them in
Promising they could hold her

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v3
Sadie Grey moved to the city
Worked from a room in main street
Soon built herself a client list
Only the rich, well-off, elite
Over the years, they let her down
Only taking what they wanted
She grew older, lost her looks
Her face was drawn and haunted

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v4
Sadie Grey was real careful
Had wealth she didn't share
Made some wise investments
Become a multi-millionaire
When she died, they read her will
She owned some prime estate
Said the city could have it all
If they followed her mandate

bridge
They had tolerated Sadie Grey, 'cause she only worked at night
She was a necessary evil, hidden, out of sight
But City Hall, they gave in to greed, after they debated
Honor the will of Sadie Grey, whom they'd slandered and berated

v5
Sadie Grey left just one demand
A statue in central square
She'd already had it made
By an artist with real flair
Now men line up to look at it
'cause it really looks divine
No one turns their eyes away
From Sadie, captured in her prime

Now she's there for all time, Sadie in her prime

-----------------------------------------------

"Sadie made her mark..For All-Time..& today She's Lookin' Fine!" I'd sug for your Tag, Gents..KOS.

Otherwise, CONGRATS, It's a good, believable storyline, very entertaining, & not the Usual Thing.

Good Luck with it...(won't please Evabody...but who ever can?)

Best Wishes & Big Guy-Hugs,
Stan

It would somehow seem fitting for the lady if Rewrite Number Seven ends up being Sadie's number!

Thanks Stan for having another looking.

At this time, We are OK with the tag. lets see how if flows in the singing.

When you say 'CONGRATS, It's a good, believable storyline', that's real praise Stan 'cause you are a man who understands words and meanings real well.

Thanks Friend.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

Does that mean you like the final story Lisa?.

Thanks for keep having a look and following the progress.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

Only the rich, well-off, elite
Over the years, they let her down
Only taking what they wanted


These lines take away from the situation IMO. If I have it right, she was a prostitute who has had the last laugh so to speak.

So these lines seem to say we should sympathise because these rich folks let her down so much and took only what they wanted.

In fact, the shoe is on the other foot so to speak. Sadie's entirely in control and uses what she has to get what she wants.

Thanks for stopping by John and well spotted.

A good point me thinks, and I will have a re-think.

I guess she was in control right through lol

Don't mean I will change it lol, but will have a real good think on it.

Thanks friend

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

Yes, she was in control. But, what I thought those lines meant was that she kept hoping that each man would want her, rescue her -- fall in love once she'd bared everything-- and take her away from that life. (Like Reba McIntyre's, "Fancy"). But, that never happened, and so they let her down time and time again. I've always thought that some prostitutes must continually feel abandoned, so this made sense to me...

Thanks Lisa and that was the intention.

Over the years, they let her down
Only taking what they wanted
She grew older, lost her looks
Her face was drawn and haunted

I guess when you read it, they took what they wanted, cause they paid for it.
And getting old and looking haunted, really is beside the point.

I think she wanted respect, cause that's what she forced them to do in the end.

I think I can cover both bats lol and still make it work.

Both points are good.Will think on it for a tad

Thanks for keep coming back

its appreciated.

please pop back.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

Roy,

I just looked at this for the first time. A couple of lines struck me as not as good as the rest. A few comments below. KOS.

Colin

re-write 7

Sadie Grey. (Shady Lady) Blues/Country Blues

(c) John Vaughan/Roy Cooper 2011

v1
The sky was black, thunder roared
On the night Sadie Grey was born
Some said it was an omen
In the guise of a lightning storm
Her mother screamed obscenities
When she learned she'd had a girl
She worked the land, needed a hand
A daughter could go to hell

v2
As Sadie grew, folks taunted her
Said she was the devil's own
She learned to lie and learned to curse
Even the rabble left her alone
But Sadie Grey held a card
She played when she was older
Could tempt the men, draw them in
Charge them just to hold her

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v3
Sadie Grey moved to the city
Rented a room on Main Street
Built herself a client list
Just the affluent and elite
As the years passed by, they let her down
Only taking what they wanted
When she grew older, her beauty faded
Her face was drawn and haunted

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v4
Sadie Grey was a careful soul
Saved and never shared
Invested in a pot of gold
Become a millionaire
The day she died, they read her will
and learned of her real estate
Said the city could have it all
If they followed her mandate

bridge
They had tolerated Sadie Grey, 'cause she only worked at night
She was a necessary evil, stayed hidden, out of sight
But City Hall gave in to greed, after they debated
Honor the will of Sadie Grey, whom they'd slandered and berated

v5
Sadie Grey left just one demand
Put her statue on the square
It was already complete
looked proud with flowing hair
Now men wait to view her
She'll be there for all time
No one turns their eyes away
From Sadie in her prime

Now she's there for all time, Sadie in her prime

Thanks Colin. some great suggestions there. Actually some I had just typed myself. really

I will use some I think.

Great minds think alike. lol

I always appreciate your thoughts so thanks again

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

Ok here is the 8th Another Final re-write. lol

Thanks again for comments and suggestions

Quite a few changes

We think this is finished now.

Thanks again to all.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis


re-write 8

Sadie Grey. (Shady Lady) Blues/Country Blues

(c) John Vaughan/Roy Cooper 2011

v1
The sky was black, thunder roared
On the night Sadie Grey was born
Some said it was an omen
In the guise of a lightning storm
Her mother screamed obscenities
When she learned she'd had a girl
She worked the land, and wanted a boy
A daughter could go to hell

v2
As Sadie grew, folks taunted her
Said she was the devil's own
She learned to lie and learned to curse
So others left her alone
But Sadie Grey held a card
She played when she was older
Could tempt the men, draw them in
Charge them just to hold her

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v3
Sadie Grey moved to the city
And rented a room on Main Street
She built herself a client list
Of the wealthy and elite
But whenever she left the house
She was treated with disrespect
People would always cross the road
And never look at her direct

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v4
Sadie Grey was real careful
She always saved and didn't share
Made some wise investments
Become a multi-millionaire
When she died, they read her will
She owned some prime estate
Said the city could have it all
If they followed her mandate

bridge
They had tolerated Sadie Grey, 'cause she only worked at night
She was a necessary evil, stayed hidden, out of sight
But City Hall gave in to greed, after they'd debated
They'd Honor the will of Sadie Grey, whom they'd slandered and berated

v5
Sadie Grey left one demand
Put her statue in central square
She'd had it made from marble
Every inch with lovin' care
Now the folk all cross the road
To see her likeness, so divine
An' no one turns their eyes away
From Sadie in her prime

Now she's there for all time, Sadie in her prime

Hi Roy and Travis,

Wow this has gone through a lot of changes! There is a lot I like about it but I still see a few things that might be worth mentioning.

v1
The sky was black, thunder roared
On the night Sadie Grey was born
Some said it was an omen
In the guise of a lightning storm
Her mother screamed obscenities
When she learned she'd had a girl
She worked the land, and wanted a boy
A daughter could go to hell Shouldn't this rhyme with girl?

v2
As Sadie grew, folks taunted her
Said she was the devil's own
She learned to lie and learned to curse
So others left her alone
But Sadie Grey held a card
She played when she was older
Could tempt the men, draw them in
Charge them just to hold her

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead I like your chorus!

v3
Sadie Grey moved to the city
And rented a room on west Main Street The meter seemed off here, might just be me though!
She built herself a client list
Of the wealthy and elite
But whenever she left the house
She was treated with disrespect
People would always cross the road
And never look at her direct This seems an odd way to speak, maybe change disrespect if you can't find a good rhyme that doesn't feel forced.

c1
Some say she was the devils spawn
Because of the life she led
While others blamed the lightning storm
That had thundered overhead

v4
Sadie Grey was real careful
She always saved and didn't share
Made some wise investments
Become became a multi-millionaire
When she died, they read her will
She owned some prime estate
Said the city could have it all
If they followed her mandate

bridge
They had tolerated Sadie Grey, 'cause she only worked at night
She was a necessary evil, stayed hidden, out of sight
But City Hall gave in to greed, after they'd debated
They'd Honor the will of Sadie Grey, whom they'd slandered and berated

v5
Sadie Grey left one demand
Put her statue in central square
She'd had it made from marble
Every inch with lovin' care
Now the folk all cross the road
To see her likeness, so divine
An' no one turns their eyes away
From Sadie in her prime

I like the twist at the end my only other concern is that it's pretty long, of course a lot of good songs are long so... I do hope we get to hear it!

Dottie

Thanks for having a read Dottie.

Your thoughts are always appreciated.

the first comment.

When she learned she'd had a girl
She worked the land, and wanted a boy
A daughter could go to hell Shouldn't this rhyme with girl?

I thought 'Hell' did rhyme with Girl Dottie...

Am I missing something.

I will have a look at your other suggestions and thanks again
for having a look.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

Hey Roy,

Well it does have the (L) sound.

Dottie

I see what you mean lol

I must be thick. we pronounce it different here lol

Roy

Typical Brit can't speak "proper" English.LOl
Travis

Hey. it sounds right on 'Eastenders' cockney talk haha

Thanks to everyone for their help,advice,feedback and support.
Regards
Roy & Travis

Yep friends we are going to finish off with a few little tweaks and go for some music.

Thanks to everyone who has read and offered some great comments and suggestions along the way

Hopefully the next version will be an mp3

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

if ya'll could just get some eerie swampy feel to this,it'd be a winner with me,yeah ya right!

You could be right on that Michael. It is at the ideas stage musically at the moment. So lets see what comes up
Regards
Roy & Travis

Michael always wants swampy, eerie music! LOL!

I'm mourning the part where the men disappoint her, but I won't say a word about it....

i'm just hoping the statue isn't Sadie lying on her back!I've grown to like this here Sadie a bunch,my kinda gal.Yes Lisa girl,Mojo likes it swampy.

I think that could be a real crowd puller Michael, even more so than the intended song. LOl Lord knows what the mayor and his miscellaneous pals would say. Then again they might have been Sadie's clients!
Thanks Lisa and Michael for your comments once more.
Regards
Roy & Travis

Arrrhhh but Lisa, the final tweaked version hasn't been posted so you may be surprised yet..lol

Yep it is different but better I hope.

God Bless Roy and Helen and Travis

Shucks Michael, you've given the final tag away lol

God Bless Roy and Helen