JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Jerusalem (now with violin added)

This is a song I've been working with off and on for quite a while. I don't know when I wrote it. It was some months back, I guess. I think it needs help. This is just a rough work tape, so pardon my guitar playing. I am still trying to decide if the picking pattern I'm using is wrong for it. Should I strum instead? If so, how? I suspect I should abandon it and move on to another tune maybe.

It needs help but I'm not sure what it needs.

EDIT by Wendy D - John Lawrence Schick added some violin to this. I really thought it added something that was missing, so I updated the track. Thank you so much, John.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10887982

I am a pilgrim in a cell
I am acquainted with this hell
I'm getting tired of the smell
in Jerusalem

Many will die and few are saved
We cannot move in this stockade
And in in the prison that I've made
there's Jerusalem

There's Jerusalem
Jerusalem...
Jerusalem

Deep in the shackles of this dream
Things are never what they seem
I am beholden to your kings
Jerusalem

And in the solitary well
I do not know how far I fell
I have no other soul to sell
to Jerusalem

To Jerusalem
Jerusalem..
Jerusalem..

(Bridge)
In the dawn of my enlightenment
I came here seeking your confinement

But I still seek you in this frame
I can't walk your streets of pain
I can only say your name..

Wendy,

I really like this, there is a need for some deeper tones somehow, but I'm just learning myself, so I can't advise, maybe adding another instrument that gives that more mournful sound, because right now it is a bit bright for the lyric, but I like the lyric and the verse melody.

But, I'm not a fan of the bridge at all, it just isn't right. Do you need the bridge lyric wise?? I felt if you were to break the melody there, you would go down and not up...maybe that is just me...sorry, I'm not trying to be negative, but it is really very beautiful, but the bridge isn't sitting well with me.

So....How are you learning picking patterns?? I have been on Youtube watching people's fingers....LOL!!

Tammy

Looks like it's ladies night in the mp3 forum

This is great, Wendy. A beautiful lyric and your vocal is perfectly suited to it. I guess you do that on purpose

"In the dawn of my enlightenment
I came here seeking your confinement"

Wow - what a line - and what a perfect placement of it ....

As for the guitar? In my opinion, picking rather than strumming is the way to go. I also think guitar-vocal is the way to go for this one. Not sure that this particular picking pattern is the best one for the song though. Maybe play with a few others and see if you can find something better.

That's one gorgeous song

Scott

LOL - just read Tammy's comment. Looks like we cancelled each other on the bridge

I just read Scott's comment...LOL!!!

Just to clarify...I'm coming from an emotional place and vocal place, you know me...just my opinion...Scott's better at such things....LOL!!

Tammy

Bravo! A very pretty song with an aptly mysterious lyric. I see no faults in this one. To me, it's a finished song. And a fine one indeed. Bravo! And what a voice you have.

A beautifull song, Wendy. I really enjoyed it. Nice performance.

Stevie

BREATHTAKING vocal as usual.
I agree that fingerpicking is suited for this.
Kinda like to hear a low sounding keyboard lightly in the background but then again again I'd hate to take away from the simple beauty you have going on here.
Good to see you posting.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Wendy,
As I said before "stangely beautiful" but I am going to add the phrase hauntingly beautiful as well.
Tom

If you put exactly what you have done so far and put it on youtube with video of the turmoil in the city, you would have a very persuasive expose on the conflict, history, tragedy and what seems like an insolvable puzzle that is -Jerusalem.

I think the treatment you have is perfect for that kind of video.

Thanks to you guys for your comments. I'm going to try and find a better pattern to use and will likely repost this.

Sam - that's an interesting idea about having a YouTube video of Jerusalem. It is an insolvable puzzle.

I love the way the word "Jerusalem" sounds in this song. That by itself makes it a winner. I thinking the picking pattern sounds fine to me. To change up the chorus part maybe a bass and bongos would help it out. I am undecided about the bridge -- it didn't seem to "flow" in the song.

Other than, very pretty, well written and performed.

Wendy--

Has a CUTTIN' EDGE FOLK sound that drives the message to an elevated plain--the sound rattles through the cells in JERUSALEM--THE LISTENER FEELS THE PAIN--GUITAR NEEDS TO BE LOWER--AND THE VOX HIGHER IN VOLUME.

WRITE ON--

Mackie

Wow nice chord progression Wend very clever. I think you should keep this style of finger picking but maybe add a nice electric piano in the background just to fill out the mix a bit more. The type of piano used in the early Portishead stuff would sound way cool.

Great song love your voice a lot!

Wendy, I guess I don't know enough about Jerusalem to comment ..I had no idea it was that bad and only know it as a place in the Bible..I like the line about being aquainted with this hell...it paints a good scene for me : )

Hi Wendy,

It's great to hear a new tune from you, and this one is really heavy duty. No simple love songs for you, eh?

For me, you've captured something in the lyric that expresses itself almost subconsciously. It's not the words themselves but all of them together with the music and the feelings it all brings out. It's like a collage of images that adds up to this strange place we all hear about but know nothing of. I have no idea what it means but I know what it's about. You are a phenomenal writer and it's always such a joy to hear your latest masterpiece. And don't give me any Eeyore comments either!

And I still want to know who stole your avatar!

Ricki

Hi, Wendy! Nice to meet you... and what a BEAUTIFUL song! My very favorite part is the word "Jerusalem" and the way you deliver that word!!

I completely agree with what some of the others have said in regards to the Bridge. I love what the bridge says, it's a keeper! Just not sure the way you currently have it fit perfectly with the rest of the song, for me anyway. I agree with Tammy.. I was hearing it as lower and deeper.

You certainly have an amazing voice, and this song gave me goose-bumps in a good way!

--Jen

There's my friend!

Picking is the way, what your doing is cool... After one of the Jerusalem's you could switch to a strum. If you leave this ONE guitar and voice your okay either way... If you add, them just try adding the strum on top in places... GREAT chord Wendy... and lyrics are wonderful as always.

Nice to hear ya singing round here again

Mike

Beautiful, just beautiful and another one that likes the way you sing Jerusalem....lovely voice and great song...

glyn

Wendy, I really like this and the picking is the way for me. It fits with your voice. I like the lyrics in the bridge but the progression in it hit me funny. I like the mournfullness/ sorrow, in your voice. As Samuel said, a video of the struggles in Jerusalem would fit this to a T.

Todd

I've always liked the way you play these stark tunes. With your voice and barely a guitar strum, you've managed to create a mood.

Few thoughts:

I like what your doing on the guitar. When you get to the chorus, keep the same pattern but add a few more picking notes, then back to what you were doing in the verses. This song screams of a mournful cello. That will allow you to keep the guitar work minimal for the mood and let the song breathe.

You need to, as stated by many, work on the bridge. I don't like the chord jump--sounds forced. Keep it simple. It's gonna be more in your vocal phrasing that will make/break the bridge. Something sung at a quicker pace.

Nice work.

Zeek

I was thinking about you Wendy and was hoping we'd hear from you soon. Another quintessential Wendy lyric and melody that I knew I'd enjoy. This one had me pondering about the lyric's true meaning as I found it could reflect two distinually different meanings, the first as stemming from a very deep and personal origin and the 2nd as also able to fit in historically given the situation in the Middle East. Either way it is interesting and I am of the same opinion that the present playing is fine as opposed to strumming. While conflict surrounds Jerusalem it will one day be a new Jerusalem and everything will work out fine. Found this....

The future of the world greatly depends on the future of this city. To Jews, Jerusalem was the city of the great prophets and the capital of the Kingdom of Israel and Judah under King David and his son King Solomon. The first and second temples were the center of worship until the destruction of the city by the Romans in 70ad. Jerusalem is also the third most holy city of Islam, after the cities of Mecca and Medina. Completed in 691ad, the Mosque of Omar—also called the "Dome of the Rock"—today dominates the Temple Mount. The Arabic term for the holy place is "al-Haram as-Sharif" which means "The Noble Sanctuary." Muslims believe that it marks the location where Abraham offered his son Ishmael (not Isaac, as the Bible reports) in sacrifice, and where Muhammad ascended to heaven. Christians revere the city as the place where their Savior taught in the temple—and was later crucified. Christians believe that Jesus will return to establish His Kingdom with Jerusalem as world capital.

Your fan and friend,
Lynn

Exceptional vocal,actually mind blowin' This song is so good!
Well done Wendy
Best Wishes
Travis

Always love the simplicity of your music Wendy. This is a gem. Maybe a simple violin like this would work: http://schicksville.com/Music/Jerusalem.mp3

Best, John

Gosh, you guys. So many great thoughts on this. John, thank you so much for adding the violin. It sounds really nice. It's funny how just adding another instrument is so effective. Is there a way I can save what you did, John? I'd like to put it back-up on Soundclick.

The reason I used this pattern is b/c I was trying to get some of the melody worked-in. I'm terrible and slow at this stuff and it takes me forever to get things down to the point that I can play them cleanly. Even so, I still had a few wobbles on the guitar.

I was trying to challenge myself a bit musically on the bridge so I added the little inversions coming up the scale. I thought it worked well with the song b/c I feel the idea itself is very vague and I wanted the music to reflect the ambiguity. I suspect it might be my halting style of playing that is making it seem like it does not fit. There are halts/pauses b/c I have a hard time playing that part and had to make it a little slower, add some pauses, etc. to hold it together. I try to do everything in approximation of how I would sound live, and therefore don't edit my stuff very much.

I guess I'll keep working on this. I could always go back to the easier/simpler bridge too. Zeek, Mike, and Andy thanks for the suggestions, btw. Very helpful.

As for the lyric, I thought I would mention that I don't know what its about really. I got the idea for this from a dream I had about a man in a prison cell, looking at a picture of an ancient city. Also, Tom Franz and I had a discussion about how in America we have all these towns and cities with Biblical names. This got me thinking about the idea of paradise. So I tried to write something about both paradise and captivity. The idea of paradise sometimes seems confining to me. There's also a "perish in the grasping" idea at work as well. I guess I was trying to show what might happen to your perception of things over time when nothing changes. I think that's what this is getting at anyway.

Thanks so much for listening to it. I really appreciate it.

To download from my ftp:

MAC: Hold "Option" - click on link - then a menu comes up.

PC: Right click link and "save target as".

If you have any trouble with this Wendy, PM me your email and I'll send the mp3 in an attachment.

I did do a little eq-ing and added reverb to your track. If you want me to kill the reverb, just say so.

Best, John

I love the strings and this just made the song that much better. I will say that if you pursue this to try to bring the vocals alittle more upfront, that's all. Great teamwork.

The violin is a super addition!! My only suggestion would be to drop the violin out when Wendy sings "Jerusalem". Maybe a cello patch would be better to bring out the bottom a little more.

as I suggested

Zeek

Glad you like the violin Kevin. I'd like to see Wendy redo the "Jerusalem" parts. They were difficult to hear before the violin was added. Not sure if Wendy can send me seps (vocal & guitar separations). It would be much better for mixing.

As far as a cello goes. I'm afraid that would conflict with the lower guitar range in this track. I think the violin suits the simplistic production best. I have it panned away from the vocal.

Anymore instrumentation added to this would spoil Wendy's beautiful simplicity & naturalness that she so excels at.

I'd be glad to remix this for you Wendy if you can redo the "Jerusalem's" or send me seps.

Best, John

Wow! The violin really added a lot. What a fantastic idea. Well done, and well played, John.

Ricki

Hi Wendy/John,

As if this song wasn't sad enough, now you've went and made it perfect with the violin-----GOOD WORK JOHN !
This song is a little sadder than-They Ain't Got No Smarts :-)


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Forgive me, folks..John took my simple guitar/vocal tracks and worked some magic on them. I was wondering if you would give this one more listen. I think he really did a good job enhancing it.

Wow Wendy and John...The violin really takes this to another level. I thought it was excellent before but now it's even better if that's possible.

Stevie

Wendy , this is my cup of tea :-)

Wendy , you have a great way of telling a story . I was hooked right from the getgo . To me you are a true artist . You made me believe as I was listening and that tells me "You got it "

I hope you will consider to make a cd , I will buy it at once it hit the shelf .

Keep up the good work !!!

All the best from fanboy :-)
Jan
PS I listend to the original version without the added violin . Will listen to the new version ASAP .

Wendy, I listened to this earlier today and just came back to comment... I am glad you are putting this one to music. I always enjoy your voice and your style. I feel the song is really spot on except as some mentioned, the bridge. The lyric is fine, but the way you sang it, it took away from it...maybe that part could actually be spoken? I know you will get it where it needs to be. You are always one to chip away at a song until the masterpiece shows.

Kimberly