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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 107
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 107 |
More levity!! More levity!!
"I Need Ten Thousand Dollars" by David L. Woolacoot
I need ten thousand dollars By the end of the day Don’t ask me what it’s for ‘cause I don’t wanna say
It’s critically important That I come up with the cash Or something’s gonna happen And I may have to dash
I need ten thousand dollars It’s really not too much You can raise some funding By selling off some stuff
If you do it quickly I’m forever in your debt You may even save me From an inconvenient death
(Bridge) I don’t like asking this of you It kind of makes me feel like a fool But I’ve got no one else to turn to Please help me begin anew
(Solo)
I need ten thousand dollars What more can I say? It’s kind of an emergency My life’s in disarray
I can’t give a reason Just place your trust in me If you give me money I can finally be free
I need ten thousand dollars
I need ten thousand dollars
I need ten thousand dollars
I need ten thousand dollars
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 413
Top 500 Poster
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 413 |
Solid writing! The situation is quite clear from the very beginning as the listener would already have guessed as much from the title.
I'd scrap the line "... from an inconvenient death". Too much drama here so the rest of the song can no longer built or keep up any excitement. The lyrics are rather repetitive thereafter, anyway. Actually, no harm in that, I'd say. But too much drama before the solo does the song no good. Just leave the threat implicit.
I could do with ten thousand dollars as well. Actually, if you could make it ten thousand Euros...
Cheers, Bernd
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 107
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Posts: 107 |
Thank you Bernd.
This is why I post songs on these sites. Input from others is very valuable.
I am going to switch some verses. This song is about a guy who took a loan from a loan shark and it's time for him to pay it back. Or else...
I need ten thousand dollars By the end of the day Don’t ask me what it’s for ‘cause I don’t wanna say
It’s critically important That I come up with the cash Or something’s gonna happen And I may have to dash
I need ten thousand dollars It’s really not too much You can raise some funding By selling off some stuff
I can’t give a reason Just place your trust in me If you give me money I can finally be free
(Bridge) I don’t like asking this of you It kind of makes me feel like a fool But I’ve got no one else to turn to Please help me begin anew
(Solo)
I need ten thousand dollars What more can I say? It’s kind of an emergency My life’s in disarray
If you do it quickly I’m forever in your debt You may even save me From an inconvenient death
I need ten thousand dollars
I need ten thousand dollars
I need ten thousand dollars
I need ten thousand dollars
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 883
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 883 |
Hey,
I laughed while reading this song; I could use 10,000 too, who doesn't.
Great song, flows nicely.
hey, you in Big TO! Good to see great talent.
This would make a great video!
Petra
Invasion of Aliens!!!
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 107
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Posts: 107 |
Thank you Petra.
I never thought of a video, but I can now picture a video in my mind of the guy checking out all of his friends and family, payday loan places, trying to get a bank loan, going to the horse races, buying a lottery ticket, selling his possessions at a pawn shop, praying to god, etc... I could make two endings. One where he got the money and one where he didn't...
Thank you for the Great idea!
I am going to see if my nephew and his fellow acting students want to try to make this.
If anyone would like to record this, please contact me. I am a writer and do not perform.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,347
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,347 |
Pretty good meter and pacing! I would use the bridge to finally reveal what the money was for (maybe the singer wants to use it to take her on a two-week ocean cruise or something? To make it make it more romantic...).
And would you consider changing some of the language to make it a bit more conversational? "Begin anew" and "life's in disarray" are usually not what is said in regular everyday conversation, which seems to be the key in creating interesting lyrics that people want to sing back to themselves after they start liking your song.
Hey, this is just muh two cents' worth! HTH!
Best Regards and Aloha,
Charlie
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 107
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Thank you Charlie.
I have made a couple of minor changes.
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
HIDee Bro Dave!
LIKE your Hook..it's a Grabber/& Who couldn't USE the loot! ;-)>
Plotline, overall, isn't all-that-Hilarious, alas.
"I need ten thousand dollars/ 24 hours to go/ Or else I hear Big Louie/ Will pour concrete on my toes..."
"I didn't lose it gambling/ I took a little loan/ To try to keep the Bankers/ From selling-off my home..."
"The int'rest kept compounding/ Now thugs are at my door/ I'm gonna get a pounding/ Unless you help me score...
(It'd be perhaps funnier if Singer finds out he's talkin' to an Answer Machine, right around THIS point...maybe..I dunno.)
CAN be penned to be More Exciting..& Funnier..(& the "pen less-poetically here" is a good Sug, too..JMO.)
Maybe after a Bridge, where Singer reflects a bit..he talks to Big Louie next verse & offers him SOMETHING to take the heat off...then on to the Next Phone Call...ending on Your Hook.
GOOD Idea & Hook, now KILL Me with some FUN here!
Good Luck with it, Amigo..it's becoming an Everyday Occurrence..& you've got the Right Idea.
Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug, Stan
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,481 Likes: 1
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Hi Dvid,
Hey I like the lyrics but if I could suggest something? I was going through the song and was figuring that the guy needed the money because he was in trouble. What about going with what Charlie suggested and reveal what the money was for in the bridge--but make it for something that catches everyone off guard--maybe even humorous like for a once in a lifetime vacation so he doesn't lose his mind at work--just something that makes us say--wow--I never figured on that. Lol. Outside of that--pretty good write you have here. take Care, Roger
Roger Sosnowski The happiest people in life are those involved in music
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