JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Little Piece of Heaven, 24/7 -Revised /final demo? June 1

This is a newer one, I had a version of it on FAWM and it has gone through I don't know how many re-writes, with Larry Seger co-writing on the changes. It is not set in stone, but we would love input on it musically, and lyrically. For now it's an acoustic. Thanks guys..

June 1---Guys, I am bumping this because we have changed the chorus some, and some places where we had been told it needed it as well as add fuller music to it and we would love input into this, we hope our final demo except for minor tweaks...if you see major things that need work...we can't , of course please everyone, but hopefully this is more inline with our hopes for the song..thanks so much for your help along the way and thanks again to Larry Seger.

Older version to compare... music

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10526702

New Revised Version June 1---changes in red
My Little Piece of Heaven, 24/7

I’m driving down I-40, headed into town
another day, another dollar bill
I turn on the radio, it’s empty noise
‘cause my mind and MY heart are with you still

The love we made this morning's working miracles
you have a way about you, yes you do
when your blue eyes say, “take me again” when you give me that stay home smile
It makes me wanna spend every moment with you.

You’re my little piece of heaven
24/7
Every time I leave you, I'm drawn back in.
Got me thinking how good this could be
me and you,
you and me
Together, forever
my You're my little piece of heaven
24/7

By the end of the day, I feel so beaten down,
You're there for me, TO put my mind at ease
your touch makes up for time away from you
The love you give me makes my world complete.

repeat chorus

Bridge
I was indifferent to love
it wasn’t in the stars for me
But the way you love, the way you trust
The way you touch, made a believer out of me

Repeat Chorus

Tag
my OUR little piece of heaven
24/7
my OUR little piece of heaven
24/7

© Kime/Seger. 2011
All Rights Reserved

Kim and Larry,

I love this one and the lyrics, hey...I once loved a man like this.....but that's been a long time ago....but you brought back some really great memories...lots I feel can relate to this song...

glyn

Hi Kimber & Larry

I'm on my learners, but I'm going to tell you how I feel regarding your great song in progress.

What stood out for me in your song was this,

The love we made this morning's working miracles
you have a way about you, yes you do
when your blue eyes say, “take me again”
It makes me wanna spend every moment with you.

These three lines are so damn catchy, this is your Hook that is going to draw the listener in I feel.

The love we made this morning's working miracles
you have a way about you, yes you do
when your blue eyes say, “take me again”


To me I feel this is the catch in the song, this should be your chorus, and I'd repeat the first line again in it.

Like this maybe:

The love we made this morning's working miracles
you have a way about you, yes you do
when your blue eyes say, “take me again”
Making love this morning's working miracles
It makes me wanna spend every moment with you. ???? (I don't know if you really need this line in it, golly gosh, I wish I had enough experience to explain myself better. )

Sorry I don't know enough about songwriting.

Anyway, this is both your song, you can keep or sweep, but I just wanted you to know what I got out of your song, that I feel is the best catch, hook so to speak.

Larry sings it amazingly, and I'm no good in the music domain, so hopefully others here will offer you some feedback.

Good luck with it. Hugs Michele

Hi Kimberly/Larry,

I enjoyed this, good writing/music/vocals.
VERY clean & the guitar is catchy.

THIS LINE is NICE....
I turn on the radio, it’s empty noise :-)

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Glynda, thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it and it brought back some good memories:)

KIM

Hi Michelle, I can see your point as part of that being a hook as well, but so far, as far as we have been told on another site, people also liked the hook we have, so maybe its a good thing, as Martha Stewart says, to have a few catchy phrases in a song. I am not sure we will be changing the main hook but I do appreciate your input and for listening.:)

Hugs
KIM

Thank you Calvin, I am glad you like it!!! It is not completely set in stone yet, but we wanted to share it and get input. It has been nice working with Larry, it is our first collaboration, and I was pleased when he contacted me. I enjoy his voice.
and playing...
Thanks again,

Kim

Hey Kim,

I've been watching this song evolve, and I really like the way it sounds. I think Larry has a great voice and this has turned out very nice!

Congrats!

Dottie

Kim,

Just took a listen to your song...nice...Larry is he a JPF member? Nice voice. My cup of tea.

Like your style of writing.

Petra

Thanks for the input guys and gals, and compliments on my musicality (that a word?). Kim was very gracious to let me try out some lyric ideas, and is great to work with. And Michelle, those were some of my favorite lines also, but I have to admit, I'm a sucker for simple pop lines and "little bit of heaven, 24/7" felt right to bring home the being in love "all day, all the time" message for me.

EDIT: to those wondering, yeh I'm the new guy, just joined after hearing about this from some FAWMers.

Kim and Larry,

I love the hook on this one! The first two lines of the chorus are really great, I love the melody and the phrasing. The rest of the chorus got a little wordy and sort of lost direction for me. I would suggest shortening it a little and focus on that line "a little piece of heaven, 24/7 cause it is great. Just my thoughts. Great musical approach too. Nice write.

Tracy

Sounding good, you two.

Definitely keep your current hook/title. It's catchy and is what holds the whole thing together. I agree though that the chorus could be shortened for impact.

Perhaps something like:

You’re my little piece of heaven
24/7
You and me together
Now and forever
my little piece of heaven
24/7

Just my tuppence worth.

Donna

Hi Kimberly (and Larry),

I really like your hook, and Larry does a good job of playing and singing it.

My only nit is that I'd like the melody in the third and fourth lines of the verse to be a bit more memorable somehow. I've listened to it three times now and I don't think I could sing those lines back to you. I think it would be helpful to repeat the melody of the first line in the third line to drive home that melody a bit more.

My philosophy is that having signature rhythms and melodies is important in making any song stand out (Taylor Swift is a master of it) and we should strive to make our songs have a personality of their own that differentiates them from the thousand of other songs out there.

Keep up the good work!

Cam

Kim...Larry does a nice job...great hook...enjoyed it...Bob

Hi Girl....Yes, it has been through quite a few changes and it is probably not done Yes, I enjoy Larry's voice too and I am glad you like it:) I appreciate you always taking time to listen to and read my lyrics and offer your thoughts..it means a lot to me, HUGS! KIM

Petra, I am glad you enjoyed this one, thanks for listening and yes I think Larry has joined now.:)

KIM

Tracy, yes, I am still iffy on that...the length of the chorus' ...I have been back and forth on it...part of it is information to tie it together, as to every time I leave you, I'm drawn back in, but it may be something we end up re-arranging...thanks for checking it out:)

KIM

Donna, we may discuss this chorus and see about shortening it, and putting some of that info in the verse somewhere...thanks:)

KIM

Thank you :)Cam for taking time to listen and give us your input, it will be something Larry and I will talk about, as the song is still pretty new and may still need some tweaks..
KIM

Hiya!

Larry, nice to "meet" you, glad you're here!

REALLY enjoyed this one, both of you. Kim, great lyric.

I LOVE the chorus hook - I was "in" by the opening riff. Nice Train sort of feel going on IMO. I really hear something special in this song. Super.

Hope you get to pitch it, and all that!

Linda

Kimberley ... the first line sounds very familiar! LOL!

This result is much better than what I would've have come up with! So good decision!

Enjoyed it a lot...chorus is very attractive.

Stan

Hi Linda, sorry it took me a while to answer...life happens....:)

Thanks for your very kind encourgement on this song, we are still messing around with the chorus and stuff, and hope to post it soon, and hope you listen again, but thanks so much..



KIM

Kim and Larry,

I enjoyed your song both lyrically and musically. I know this is a rough draft so I'll offer some things about the mix. The rhythm acoustic guitar sounds a bit "tinny" and it sounds like there is a banjo buried deep down inside it. I'd bring the banjo into more prominence as it will help drive the song more. I'd also bring it in earlier. You've got something good going on here.

Stevie

Thank you Robert, yes I enjoy Larry's voice and he is cool to work with. I am fortunate to have found such good collabs on this site and to do my music with, and to make new friends:)

Kim

Yes, Stan, I had it walking down I40, now it's driving...haha..since it is an interstate, I figure I can get in a couple of states when I write about it...haha..

I am glad you liked it. This is not the same song you did though...the one we worked on briefly was about a hitchhiker.:)

Kim

Thank you little Stevie, while I was adding the finished, we hope, demo, I saw you had posted and commented.. I am sorry I missed that.
I appreciate your advice and we did bring the banjo up, I am sure Larry saw this and probably took your advice to heart...we made a few lyric tweaks too, I hope you still like it and thanks for your very kind words of encourgement..:)

Kimberly

Hey Kim,

I think it sounds great! I think the changes are very good, I love it.

Dottie

Hi Kim

Had another listen and Yep I agree, it's good to have a few hooks in a song, and your title does stand out in the song, I love it, well done to all.

Hugs Michele

Thank you Dottie!! I am glad you liked how it turned out...took a few trys...I am glad that Larry was willing to work on it with me and to be patient as it went through the changes needed...sometimes people don't want to do but one take and it's not always ready in one take...ya know?

Thanks again, KIM

Hey Kimberly,

What a solid and feel good song. I especially like the chorus's, they work real well. There's a couple of lines which don't quite work in the verses, but that can be easily fixed just by re-phrasing.

So why are my ears annoyed ?

There's something not quite right........ Larry can obviously sing, but the vocal track is not bedded down into the music.

I'm just guessing here, but it appears that the whole vocal take is off pitch. ( down ) I don't know how it was recorded, or what's been done to it, but I think if it was run through Autotune, you'd find it's off pitch to the music.

Perhaps it's guitar tuning ? I don't know, but there's definitely something out of whack.

I'd check the knobs and dials, and fix that first. Do that, and bed the track, and I think you'll see a song which is way better than the way it's presented here at the moment.

It's a very cool song, and I think it will work up well.

cheers, niteshift

PS - if others would like to comment about the pitch, please do. I don't mind being wrong, it just irks me when there is something "off" and I can't put my finger on it.

PPS - perhaps the bass and guitar are mistuned, and the vocalist is splitting the difference.

Thank you so much Michelle!!! I am glad you liked it and I appreciate you taking time to check it out~~
Kim

Niteshift,
Thank you for your input on this. I know he plans to record it again or do some tweaking so I will make sure he sees this. You may be hearing something I am not capable of picking up and that comes with experience that I do not have. I appreciate your suggestion

which lines in the verses do you feel don't work and when you say re-phrasing, do you mean in the way he sings it and puts emphasis on certain words or do you mean the line needs to be changed? any help is appreciated --thank you

Kim

Hey Kim,

I've re-listened, and no, it's not the phrasing, it's the pitch. It's definitly the pitch.

The pitch mismatch is tricking my brain into thinking "the words don't fit". They do. And the timing is fine, between instruments. The drums and groove fit perfectly, as do the lyrics.

Please get another opinion on this, because this song has a really good "feel good" vibe to it, and it would be cool to hear it produced.

cheers, niteshift

PS - damn fine musical structure, but the song now needs arrangement, rather than being played through.

PPS - send it to Sub. He'll sort it out.

Hi Kim,

This is really melodic, hooky and the lyrics are pretty good with one big exception.

Read you lyric starting from the 2nd verse... It reads just fine.

Two situational bits from the 1st verse never reoccur... Driving and listening to the radio... Those bits actually hurt the story because they're a diversion. The opening line about driving down i40 is not compelling. I say just toss the 1st verse.

IMO the 1st verse doesn't add ANYTHING to the story. IMO you should just toss it and start with the 2nd verse. Either that or write a new 1st verse.

"The love we made this morning's working miracles" would be a GREAT opening line! It sets up the chorus and sets the absolute perfect vibe for the whole song right off the bat! It's SOOOO much better than the driving down I40 opening.

This is a good tune. It's very commercial IMO except that 1st verse which is too pedantic and diversionary to keep. Sorry.

Did I say this is good! It is. My overall impression is positive so don't get me wrong.

All the best w/ this.

Peace,

Ian

better late than never, this was easy to listen to, a cool, laid back pop sound and catchy lyrics.i could easily hear this in a car radio go'n down the road. like larrys voice too.
good song.

dmk

The love we made this morning's working miracles
(you have a way about you, yes--You amaze me with everything) you do


Bridge
I was indifferent to love
it wasn’t in the stars for me
But the way you love, the way you trust
The way you touch, (made a believer out of me--showed me how great life can be)

Repeat Chorus

Tag
my OUR little piece of heaven
24/7
my OUR little piece of heaven
24/7

Could make it too long, but have you considered bringing a baby into the story, which would now be "our little piece of heaven"?

I would love to, but he seems to be swamped lately..I will consider it...I would love to do it with him, we plan to bring in a 3rd person to do some electric guitar work on it..thanks for your input on this and honest crit. Kimberly

Thank you DMK!!! I like Larry's voice too, he has a good one and is nice to work with.

Kim

Hi Shayne, thanks for your suggies. We haven't put a family or baby into it because it is a newer love, and in the chorus he is just now thinking, hey, this could be forever and I like that...so a baby is not in the picture yet or even marriage...:)

Thanks for your kind words and listening..

Kim

Thanks for the input guys and gals. I'm the aforementioned Larry Seger. Like Kim said, we went back and forth on verse 1 and 2 about where they would go, what they would say. After all these comments, we may need to revisit them.

I'm not a producer or engineer, but I did purposely try to keep the song simple, without a lot of riffs and fills, just enough to say I wasn't just playing chords to sing to. Maybe the song needs more, but my goal was a "keep it simple" demo. We'll have to see if anybody has another idea to see what it could sound like.

Sure could use help/input on my mixing if anybody has time for that.

Larry

Hi Kimber & Larry

One thing I know from experience, if you believe in a song, you do your absolute best by it. You have got it this far, and this is a fantastic song, so do something with it. Get a professional to have a look at it, someone who can do the mixing, because to me it will be worth both your while. Larry you have a lovely voice, I love this song, and the more I listen to it, the more I love that Hook, You're my little piece of Heaven, 24/7, so I don't know where my head was the first time I listened to this song.

Every cent I have spent on my songs have been worth it, go to the next level you two, I believe it will be worth your while, and if you do please let me know I'd love to listen.

Good luck!

Hugs Michele

I love the melody of the hook: A little piece of Heaven, 24/7. The words scan perfectly. I wanted it again but it never came. Because it's a bit poppy my brain was crying out for the typical repeat.
I originally could hear the third line with a faster melody but after a bit of tinkering I really feel you need to focus the song around that hook so personally I would repeat it as I have done hear:

You’re my little piece of heaven
24/7
ya got me thinkin' just how good this could be
you're my little piece of heaven
24/7
you and me, together, forever (would need more syllables.)
24/7

I really think this song has something but I don't think you've found perfection yet. The verses were good but I think they can be stronger melodically. You don't need a rise because the chorus hook works well coming in after the verse so good job there. The middle 8 was good and progressive and worked well.

Musically it did a good job so well done for keeping it simple.

I think this can be very radio friendly with the right formula.

JD

Good catchy song!

The mix is pretty decent to my ears. The bass drum stood out just a little too much for my taste BUT I am not in my studio so take that with a grain of salt.

I did not notice any pitch issues on the first listen and then read niteshifts comments and listened again. I think he has a point about the pitch but it's kind of hard to discern. But if it is off its definitely flat imo. I am curious how you sing it? with headphones on or headphones on one ear or no headphones at all? I have had pitch issues in the past but it was mostly because I could not hear myself well enough. I have recently put up some good insulation behind my vocal mic and sing with at least one ear exposed (out of headphones). This has helped so much it's amazing!

I have even sang with no headphones and let the song bleed into the vocal track at a low low volume and it seems to be fine most of the time.

You have a good voice and a good ear as far as I can tell. My GUESS is you may not be hearing yourself well enough when you sing/record. But just a guess!

Ricky