Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
Inside
by ckiphen - 09/17/24 09:45 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 09/12/24 09:36 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
First a Whisper (then a Scream) Co-write with Donna!
Wild emotion slipped away
Silent boundaries took its place
Together we’re alone
But we both stay
Another day, another night
One more chance to make this right
Instead we guard our hearts
Too tired to fight
Chorus
First a whisper then a scream
Are you listening?
In the silence of our home
Can you hear me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Like an echo quickly fades
We go mutely on our way
Silence cuts us deeper
Every day
Empty smiles and edgy stares
Leave us numb in our despair
Secluded in a love
We used to share
Chorus
First a whisper then a scream
Are you listening?
In the silence of our home
Can you hear me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Bridge
Our love has turned to pity
Our faith has turned to doubt
Have we each turned into someone
We’d be better off without?
Chorus
First a whisper then a scream
Are you listening?
In the silence of our home
Can you hear me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Dottie Corley & Donna Devine
Copyright: All Rights Reserved
Registered: Tue Nov 30 04:07:25 UTC 2010
Last edited by Dottie; 01/23/11 02:05 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
Top 40 Poster
|
|
Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4 |
Hello Dottie. Nice to meet ya.
Like what you have going here and have no "nits" at all.
Wish you luck with your collab. search.
Doug
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096 |
Hi Dottie,
This reads really nice,
I like what the song is saying, a rel good one!
Geneva
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Doug,
Nice to meet you too! Oh you live in my favorite place, almost! I liked Montreal very much but Quebec City was enchanting! I hope to visit there again someday.
Thank you for checking out this lyric!
Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Geneva, Thank you for checking this out.  Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1
Top 20 Poster
|
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1 |
DOTTIE--
MY TAKE-RED-JMHO--PROBABLY A LOT OF PEOPLE LIVING LIKE THIS--USE OR LOSE:
From a Whisper to a Scream
Blind emotions slipped away
Silent boundaries took their place
Together we’re alone
WHILE we both stay
Another day, another night
Another chance to make this right
We GUARD our empty space
Too tired to fight
Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I NEED TO BELIEVE
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
AS an echo quickly fades
We go quietly on our way
Silence cuts a little deeper
Everyday
PLASTIC smiles and stares
COVER UP our despair
INSULATED FROM THE love
We used to share
Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I NEED TO BELIEVE
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Bridge
HAS our love turned to pity
AND our faith turned to doubt
AM I NOW someone
You’d be better off without
Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I NEED TO BELIEVE
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Mackie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
hey Dottie this one reads with lots of emotion.I like it a bunch!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hey Mackie, Those are ALL good ideas...I'm going to let the ink dry and settle a little. I will probabbly use at least some of them! Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Michael, Thank you for checking it out, I'm glad you like it. Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 67
Serious Contributor
|
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 67 |
Dayum...... (that's Texan for Damn)
Miss Dottie, you done it again. You have such a poetic quality to your writing.
Sometimes that may not be what you want in a song but on this one......
It's right on!
Nothing I can really add. I really like it just as-is.
I've read thru it a couple of times trying to "hear" it. Gonna spend a little more time thinking about it and will get back.
Mark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 67
Serious Contributor
|
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 67 |
Oh, and I see you remembered how to make the little smiley face dude. Me I forgot already...... LOL
Have a good one.
Mark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,670 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,670 Likes: 2 |
I love the melancholy. Good concept, to which many can relate. Nice tight bridge. Just a couple of suggestions. KOS. In line 1, verse 1, to set up a stronger contrast to the notion of "silent", perhaps something like " Wild emotions slipped away/Silent boundaries took their place". For ease of singing (e.g. fewer "s" sounds), perhaps consider making the two lines singular: Wild emotion slipped away A silent boundary took its place Donna From a Whisper to a Scream Suggest "First A Whisper, Then A Scream". This has a stronger psychological/emotional "hook" factor.
Blind Wild emotions slipped away
Silent boundaries took their place
Together we’re alone
But we both stay
Another day, another night
Another chance to make this right
We hold share an empty space
Too tired to fight
Chorus
From First a whisper, to then a scream A stronger hook, plus the original doesn't connect as strongly to the second line.
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Like an echo quickly fades
We go quietly on our way
Silence cuts a little deeper
Every day
Forsaken smiles and stares I'm not convinced by "forsaken". The sense isn't clear here in terms of "smiles and stares". I think that while the relationship was going well, along with smiles, "gazing" or "glances" would have been more likely than "stares".
Linger(ing) in our despair Not sure whether "lingering" refers back to the smiles and stares in line 1 or to "we're" in line 3. Needs to be made clearer.
(We’re) isolated by a love
We used to share
Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Bridge
Our love has turned to pity
Our faith has turned to doubt
Have I turned into someone?
You’d be better off without
Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Dottie Corley
Copyright: All Rights Reserved
Registered: Tue Nov 30 04:07:25 UTC 2010
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 449
Top 500 Poster
|
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 449 |
Dottie - I really like this - got emotional pop and flows very well. The word pity in the bridge is the only word that I thought could be different but I'm not sure what else it could be.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683
Top 20 Poster
|
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683 |
Dottie,
Hey I like this alot..hope you find the music and vocals to do it justice....glyn
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,831 Likes: 2 |
Hi Dottie,
Yeah...such melancholy can make for an emotional song. Nice writing.
I had a thought about the line in the chorus, "Can you help me?" I wonder if it's more of a "we" thing there, since that's what is in the first two verses. I can see the last line of the chorus in its place and the chorus ending with "are you listening?" In my mind, the listening line speaks to the hook and the following echo line, so letting it linger at the end of the chorus would allow it to shine as it backs up your hook.
I hope we get to hear it!!
Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210
Top 50 Poster
|
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210 |
From a Whisper to a Scream
Blind emotions slipped[color:#FF0000]SLIPPING [/color] away
Silent boundaries took TAKING their place
Together we’re alone
But we both stay
Another day, another night
Another chance to make this THINGS right
We hold our empty space- I am not sure I understand what this means, Dottie, a chance to make what right? I think it could use more detail to make it clearer
Too tired to fight
Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?--OK..love the chorus and it explains what is happening, but you need a better intro into what is happening with her, what is missing...how he ignores her, does this, doesnt do that.
Like an echo quickly fades
We go quietly on our OUR OWN way
Silence cuts a little deeper
Everyday
Forsaken smiles and stares
Linger(ing) in our despair
(We’re) isolated by a love
We used to share
Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Bridge
WHILE Our love has turned to pity
Our faith has turned to doubt
Have I turned into someone?
You’d be better off without--like this!!:)Chorus
From a whisper to a scream
Are you listening?
In the midst of this storm
Can you help me?
I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see
I'm waiting baby please
Are you there?
Are you listening?
Can you hear me?
Dottie Corley
Copyright: All Rights Reserved
Registered: Tue Nov 30 04:07:25 UTC 2010
I think if this had a better intro you would hit it outta the park, girlfriend!!:) Kimberly...I would not mind collaborating at all, but there are other ideas you have already been given you may like, if you want to holla, by pm...either way:) HUGS!! Kimberly
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hey Mark, Thank you for checking this out! You forgot how to make smiley faces? LOL I re-educate you when you’re online again. Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hey Donna,
It’s always a pleasure to have you weigh in on one of my lyrics; I value all your insight! Great suggestions as always, I may use some of them.
Thanks!
Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Py, Thank you very much for checking this out! I'm sure there will be a few changes to come. Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Glynda, Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate your support. Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Kristi, You made a good point, I'll give it some more thought. Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Kim, I'm always happy to get your thoughts on a lyric. I agree it lacks detail, I thought it might be more universal this way? I was trying to express the circumstance they were in and let everyone relate that possibly could. Maybe I’m being too vague; I'll put some more thought into it. Oh, and I would love to write a song with you if you're interested, but I was really looking for someone to collaborate with the music and vocal on this one. I guess I should have stated that. Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 379
Top 500 Poster
|
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 379 |
Hey Dottie, I really like what you have here! To me it flows well and has a poetic quality to it, the images you have in the chorus of "from a whisper to a scream/are you listening" to me are very strong. I like that it doesn't have too many details; to me it makes the song more universal, and so the listener can put his or her own experiences onto it to make it more personal to them. Just my thoughts.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Ann, Thank you for taking time to read and leave your thoughts. This started as a poem I wrote years ago and picked up the other night to try and make a song from it. I just never know when I try to rewrite a poem if it's going to work or not. Thank you for the kind words! Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Top 500 Poster
|
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 395 |
Hi Dottie, I can relate to the situation here. Along with half of the world probably.
Donna made some very good points in her comments and it would be foolish for me to regurgitate them. However, that is probably what I'm about to do.
"Blind emotions" is good but it seems like the lyric is crying out for something that makes a stronger contrasting statement. Something like "Wild" or "Bold", something more energetic to contrast with "silent" in the following line. If you have a set melody or metre it might be difficult to come up with a one syllable word that makes that contrast.
She also made a very good suggestion for the chorus that I totally agree with.
Her last point about the use of forsaken seems to be a valid point concerning the actual meaning of the word and the usage here. Even though the true meaning and use are at odds. There is a subtlety that directs me to a forlorned feeling through the context that works and I do think it conveys the emotion you are looking for in an offhand way.
This is a wonderful lyric and is so without any changes at all. However, I do believe these suggestions would strengthen its impact.
Hope this is helpful. If it isn't, you know the deal!
Peace be with you,
Danny
The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing of." —Blaise Pascal, 1670
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Top 30 Poster
|
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386 |
Hey Dottie,
Gosh, I hope you can find someone to musicate this. The ache is palpable!
While you have received some strong and valid suggestions from the rest of the gang, you do already have some terrific lines in here. I love this image:
Silence cuts a little deeper
Everyday
I have to say, Dottie, your writing keeps getting better and better. Keep up the good work.
Beth
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hey Danny, Sorry! Sometimes I let these slip through the cracks and forget to thank people for the comments...I'm working on improving in that area. I agree with your comments and made some changes. Thank you very much for helping me with this. Dottie Hi Beth, Thank you very much for the visit and kind words. Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
I want to send a special thanks to Kim and Donna! I made a lot of changes based on the feedback. I am ready to try and do something with this so I need to know if it's clearer now.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,670 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,670 Likes: 2 |
Looking good, Dottie. Still a couple of places where the phrasing could be tighter, or that need clarity. I've made a few suggestions below. KOS.  Donna [quote=Dottie]First a Whisper (then a Scream) Wild emotion s slipped away Actually, I think "emotion" in the singular is stronger.Silent boundaries took their its place Together we’re alone But we both stay Another day, another night Another chance to make this right Instead we guard our lonely hearts This makes the connection between lines 1&2 and 3&4 clearer.Too tired to fight Chorus First a whisper then a scream Are you listening? I n the midst of this storm OR In the silence of our home Yes, this is better. It sets up a nice irony: i.e. that even in silence some things can't be heard.Can you hear me? I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see I'm waiting baby please Are you there? Are you listening? Can you hear me? Like an echo quickly fades We go quietly mutely on our way I feel there's more tension in "mutely" than in "quietly".Silence cuts us deeper Every day Separate these words; "everyday" is an adjective. Empty smiles and broken stares I don't think "broken stares" works as an effective image. Perhaps something like "edgy stares"; "nervous" could work as well, though you'd have two adjoining "s" sounds. And "edgy" gives you alliteration with "empty".We 're linger ing in our despair Flows better. Isolated by a love We used to share Chorus First a whisper then a scream Are you listening? In the midst of this storm OR In the silence of our home Can you hear me? I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see I'm waiting baby please Are you there? Are you listening? Can you hear me? Bridge Our love has turned to pity Our faith has turned to doubt Have I turned into someone Why is the singer blaming herself? Maybe something like "Have we each turned into someone/We'd be better off without?"?You’d be better off without? Chorus First a whisper then a scream Are you listening? I n the midst of this storm OR In the silence of our home Can you hear me? I'm hoping that’ll you’ll see I'm waiting baby please Are you there? Are you listening? Can you hear me? Dottie Corley Copyright: All Rights Reserved Registered: Tue Nov 30 04:07:25 UTC 2010
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,143 Likes: 6
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 4,143 Likes: 6 |
Hey Dottie, this song has come a long way, and it's looking really good. It's a topic that occurs daily, ansd needs to be covered in song, for all of those who need something to listen to besides the silence of two becoming one. great write!!
~~~MFB III
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hey MFB, Thanks for the kind remarks. I'm sure a lot of people do live like this. We appreciate the visit! Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
|
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
HIYa Gals!
Sorry to arrive Late on this FINE One...but it's now in Fine Form, methinks!
I'll sug "Empty Smiles & Endless Stares" before fading back among the Lurkers here...KOS..& "Congrats". (What a KILLER Bridge...Awesome!)
Good Luck with a Great One, LadyChums!
Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9
Top 40 Poster
|
|
Top 40 Poster
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9 |
Dottie and Donna,
You do have a way with words.
Very nice work.
Vic
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,670 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,670 Likes: 2 |
MFB III, Stan, and Vic, thanks muchly for your kind comments. Donna
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 123
Serious Contributor
|
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 123 |
Everything will be okay, just get a new puppy!!
Thanks for stopping by
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683
Top 20 Poster
|
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683 |
Donna and Dottie,
You both have brought so much to this song and I can't wait to hear it finsihed with the perfect vocals and music this one deserves, you both have out done yourselves on this one and it shows all the hard work you two have put into it...
glyn
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Robert,
Lol, a new puppy! That will fix everything, I like the way you think.:)
Dottie
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
|
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Glynda,
Thank you so much for your loyal support!!:)
Dottie
|
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
|
Forums117
Topics126,069
Posts1,165,933
Members21,470
| |
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
|
"Sometimes, the best thing you can say, isn't the easiest thing" -Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|
