JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 To Find Paradise (more revisions)

The latest version with more revisions thanks to Terry!
Still don't know where to go with the chorus, the shorter or longer version, and have been sitting on it a long time.

We'll see I guess.



Paradise

Verse 1
It couldn't be found in a atlas, yet we traveled the globe,
To discover it'd take a lifetime, to find those treasures we hold,
We searched all but our hearts, where we laughed and where we cried,
To learn love must be patient, we'd been stumbling blindly....

Chorus
To find paradise..
There between cozy evenin' skies and bright neon nights....
In hands held tight on moonlit beaches.... in lyin' stary eyed,
Our little place in time..began with that first warm smile,
Through every thought it was with us all along....
.... Paradise was lyin' .... In each others arms....

Verse 2
We looked from north'a gettin' nowhere, to east'a keep on tryin',
Then west'a where we are now, took us south of a sweet love life,
To find our little place in heaven, our own private Eden
Was in the life we've shared, it's taken every place we've seen....

Chorus
To find paradise..
There between cozy evenin' skies and bright neon nights....
In hands held tight on moonlit beaches.... in lyin' stary eyed,
Our little place in time..began with that first warm smile,
Through every thought it was with us all along....
....Paradise was lyin' .... In each others arms....

Bridge
Paradise is findin' that one undyin' love....
It took a soul search through the times of our two lives......

Chorus
To find paradise..
There between cozy evenin' skies and bright neon nights....
In hands held tight on moonlit beaches.... in lyin' stary eyed,
Our little place in time..began with that first warm smile,
Through every thought it was with us all along....
....Paradise was lyin' ....In each others arms....

Tag
Our little place in Love began in paradise..

Love begins and ends .. in paradise..





To Find Paradise (rewrite of 1st version) Version 2 rewrite is posted below

(c) 2010 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
We couldn'ta found it on a atlas, we would'a search the globe,
It'd take a lifetime for us, to find what our future holds,
Still we searched all but our hearts, those places that laugh'n cry,
But in time we'd find love's patient, we'd been lookin' blindly....

Chorus
To find paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches and lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
Our little place in time..began from that first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin'in your arms....

Verse 2
We've searched from north'a gettin' nowhere, to east'a keep tryin',
Then west'a where we are now, took us south of a sweet love life,
To find our little piece of heaven, our own private Eden
Was in the life we've shared, it's taken every place we've seen....

Chorus
To find paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches and lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
Our little place in time..began from that first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin'in your arms....

Bridge
Paradise is findin' that one undyin' love....
It takes a look back on our two lives......

Chorus
To find paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches and lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
Our little place in time..began from that first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin'in your arms....




Paradise (changes to version 2)

(c) 2010 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
We met on the blue Caribbean, soakin' up the sun,
It took no time to reason, you were the only one,
We moved on to Sweetwater, been there fifty years,
It wasn't always easy street, but we survived the tears..

Verse 2
Now we've come to make our home down, bittersweet road,
Growin' old in Graceland, we've watched our lives unfold,
As we walk mem'ry lane together, from our rockin' chairs,
There's a peaceful place in our hearts that always been there..

Chorus
We found paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches and lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
Our little place in time..began from that first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin' in your arms....

Verse 3
We've searched from north'a gettin' nowhere, to east'a keep tryin',
Then west'a where we are now, took us south of a sweet love life,
To find our little piece of heaven, our own private Eden
Was in the life we've shared, it's taken every place we've seen....


Chorus
To know paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches and lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
Our little place in time..began from that first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin' in your arms....

Bridge
Paradise is findin' that one undyin' love....
When we look back on our two lives......

Chorus
We find paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches and lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
Our little place in time..began from that first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin' n your arms....






To Know Paradise

(c) 2010 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
We couldn'ta found it on a map, if we would'a tried,
It could only have exited, after years it took to find,
It sounds like a mystery, this mysterious place,
Is only discovered from a lifetime of waiting..

Chorus
To know paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches,
Lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
It's our little place in time..
It began from your first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin'in your arms....

Verse 2
We found it north'a gettin' nowhere, east'a keep tryin',
West'a where we are now, south of a sweet love life,
It's our own private Eden, our little piece of heaven,
It takes a little bit of love that grows to live forever..

Chorus
To know paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches,
Lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
It's our little place in time..
It began from your first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin'in your arms....

Bridge
Paradise is findin' undyin' love for one another,
Years of peaceful feeling's,and comfortin' each other,
Paradise.... is this look back upon our lives......

Chorus
To know paradise..
Lies between quiet cozy evenin's and bright neon nights....
It's holdin' hands on moonlit beaches,
Lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
It's our little place in time..
It began from your first warm smile,
And will end with the day I die....
....Lyin'in your arms....

NG. Do you have the melodies for you lyrics? I am asking because it would be interesting to hear how you "hear" them.

You have a talent for writing full lyrics. Could be considered wordy but that always depends on the melody. If you do, for this one one for example, why don't you create a sound file and post em?

If you are shy you can post them to me via the PM section.

Either way I would love to hear some of you lyrics sung.

This is another good example of your writing talent IMO. Seems wordy but, and I'll repeat myself, it all depends on how it is sung.

Doug

Geneva,
v2 is far better than v1. Chorus is real nice and the bridge will do unless something more bridgier comes to mind (maybe in connection with a whole new look at v1).

v1 would naturally refer to the beginning of their relationship. Have a good look at Alan Jackson's "Home" and use v1 to draw the listener in to their life. From nothing to paradise. We were just two kids....

Remember the big shots may not listen past the first verse or even first line if they ain't impressed.

I really dig your writing.

Have fun,
John

Hi Doug,

I do have a head melody, but am trying to learn to write without it overshadowing me so it doesn't only work with my tune.

I've used better rhyme in this, usually let my head tune make a real stretched rhyme work.

It's still in the chorus though.I'll go back later and change that maybe, I'm a little partial to what I hear.

I don't have a microphone, nor an I computer savy!

I'm going to try and learn a few things after the first of the year, but as it stands now, I don't got the means.

(Shy too LOL!)

Geneva

Hi Geneva,

I too would love to hear your melody. I enjoy your lyrics and as someone said, they are full, they read like they'd be country. Is that what you had in mind?

Dottie

Hi John,

I get carried away and forget that.

I think I need to write a check list that says did I do this, did I cover that!

I appreciate your thoughts, working on alot of changes.
I'll drop v1 and put in a story, don't know if v2 will work with it we'll see. May just build on the chorus.

Thanks, Geneva

I tried it again.

The changes made so far are posted above the original

Geneva

G'Mornin' Swiss-Missy!

I found your First Version here SO dern Good I didn't need to read your Second one. It's a really GREAT Job/I wouldn't change a single word. "KUDOS" for saying a whole lot of what I'd wanna say IF I was penning Yet Another love song. You've said it all VERY Well, & Congrats..Good Luck with it, M'LadyChum!

Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan

Thanks Dottie,

I love country music, and the classic rock I grew up with.

I mostly lean toward country when I write.
I'd say this is a country pop crossover.

Many wordier songs have a country rock feel to them, some though are mid-tempo.

Geneva

Thanks Stan for building my confidence.

I'm not sure which version you read.
I think I was posting the rewrite at or about the time you were heading.

I've decided to try this again, rewriting v1 of the original song, and using that bridge. The chorus is unchanged for now.

I've bout got it thought through.

Geneva

Geneva,
Very good, I'd just like to see some end rhymes in a couple of places, keep or sweep

Verse 1

We moved on to Sweetwater, been there fifty years,
Didn't always live on easy street, but mostly we did.
(I'd like to hear this line end rhyme with years (maybe fears or tears)



Verse 3

We've found our own private Eden, our little piece of heaven,
All it took was a little bit of love that grew to live forever..

(another line I'd like to hear end rhyme...since heaven has a limited number of rhymes maybe reword the previous line to end with Eden, then you have near rhymes like beaten, cheatin', eaten, heatin', repeatin' sweeten)

Well if I may and maybe in the future you give me a call and I record you off of the speaker phone. I have done that in the past and it works. I will just make sure that we are along 'casin your shy.

Or you could always record em the old fashion way on cassette, then call, press play and run. HA!

Either way I think it would be great to 'hear' what you hear.

Doug

Thanks Shayne,

I made changes in both those places for better rhyme.

Geneva

Hi Doug,

I really am going to get a microphone and learn this stuff, I'm getting more and more determined.

Then I'd send an mp3 to you, or any other private person that wanted to hear it. I wouldn't post it though. Couldn't sing it like it was meant to be but maybe I'dhelp me find cowriters.

Geneva

I have rewritten 2 versions of this song.

I'd appreciate and suggestions and opinions on which way to lean.

Thanks Geneva

Whenever you are ready NG.

Doug

Thanks Doug,

Will do!

Geneva

Hi Geneva..

Sounds like your on the right track...
Get the right melody and you've got a goodin'.

Larry

Geneva,
your rewrite of the original 1st verse is very nice. The 2nd version is good too. I'd think you could go either way. Whatever feels right to you.

Merry merry,
John

Thanks Larry,

I appreciate your comment.

Geneva

Thanks John,

I don't know what feels right.

I've only recently come to realize that there's endless possibilities to how to tell a story if you stay with it long enough.

Geneva

Hi Geneva,


. . . and the frog said
Edit
Edit

Verse 1

We couldn'ta found it IN AN atlas, YET WE SEARCHED the globe,
It WOULDA' TAKEN ANOTHER lifetime, to DISCOVER THE TREASURE WE HOLD,
We searched all but our hearts, WHERE WE laughed and WHERE we CRIED,
LOVE HAD THE PATIENCE TO WAIT, BUT we'd been lookin' BLIND....

Love has the patience to wait
Now we're satisfied . . .


Chorus

To find paradise..
THERE BENEATH cozy evenin' SKIES, and bright neon nights....
IN hands HELD TIGHT on moonlit beaches . . . lyin' stary eyed on cloud nine,
Our little place in time began AND will end IN PARADISE

Our little place in LOVE began AND will end IN PARADISE

BEGAN AND ENDS
In paradise

WOW Terry!

Sometimes I rack my brain, think I've tried every senerio to find words like that, let alone it is tight as it could be, says it all, and has all the emotion in those few lines in the chorus that I think I have to "add to for emotional impact" cause my writing skills aren't there.

Your changes put me on a whole new level of thinking, but my problem is I sometimes only comprehend it long enough to follow though while it's immediately on my mind, then fall back later if that makes sence to you.


That happens to me even when I think I connected with something and am really stoked about it!

Someone once said ( someone who knows I try and write my *** off for practice in thinking that will someday make me a good writer) that if you do all this practice, and do it the WRONG way??????

That's my personal delimma ( I can't spell- another downfall) And you Terry, are one incredible writer!

Geneva

Rats!
I can't believe it!
I just lost the whole top of this letter where I replied to each paragraph!

So it was yada. . . yada . . . yada . . . then


With today's sophisticated programmed rhythm machines, writing to some rhythm presets on that computer would be cool to try. The words will come so easy, you'll have a glut of them. :-)

You wrote:
"That happens to me even when I think I connected with something and am really stoked about it!"

You mean you lose track of the place the song was born -- can't get back there again. maybe the place wasn't special enough, real enough, in those cases. I don't really like contriving scenarios for songs. Joni Mitchell says she hangs her laundry out when she writes.

"Someone once said ( someone who knows I try and write my *** off for practice in thinking that will someday make me a good writer) that if you do all this practice, and do it the WRONG way??????"

That's right; you can't creatively write
by "rote".

Ho HO > he wrote

Old mother Hubbard
Lived in a lyrical cupboard
She lived on words . . . no booze
She had so many orphans
Songs in the making
She didn't know which to choose

"That's my personal delimma ( I can't spell- another downfall) And you Terry, are one incredible writer!"

You only make a few mistakes;
want me to correct them next time I sees 'em?

Man if that humility
Is as rock solid as it seems
You'll go as far as you want
Yes you can listen
For the dream

Geneva

Hi Terry,

I do write something most everyday, partially because it keeps me thinking in rhyme, I know that must really sound strange. But you don't know the wierd part. I write many more a day than I post. Some saved on my computer and some put on the back burner for a time I can reconnect with the thought I was into at the time.

I do loose track but not generally when I'm writing. I can be so in tune with my song that I've not yet posted, read it the next morning, and think, where the **** was I comming from!

I just heard this mental incredible thing from this song the night before but it's not there now????

I can't understand it myself, let alone expect anyone else to get it.

I think it has to do with drive, and pushing myself toward something thats so important to me that maybe I can't just be quiet,

Listen to the bigger sound????

Geneva

Might as well capitalize on a rainy season
You can polish during a dry spell

The place to look for feedback
Is from someone who understands what you are trying to do
understands the process
Even if you aren't always succeeding
In what you present

And that's probably what you'd say JPF is for
But watch out for taking as a signpost
A consensus of opinion
We really have to trust ourselves

I had something very classic in terms of consensus and influence, happen here at JPF.
I co-wrote a song with Lisa about her 3 year old and posted it -- but nobody heard its music. Everybody was complimentary but perhaps the most influential lady on the board at that time said: "Now I know that the BRIDGE is a "Terry thing" but it really doesn't suit the song. Meanwhile, I was quietly seething because of the "Terry thing" judgement and because i was really pleased with my bridge.

So, without changing a word of the BRIDGE I submitted it to Songwriter Universe for a great-priced review and I felt I lucked out because Dale Kawashima reviewed it.
He used to be the Creative Director of sony in L.A.

So anyway. . . I was really happy that he said the music was strong and consistent
and the lyrics and structure were tight (not those exact words). One weak point he mentioned was that my Verse melody and Chorus melody were the same. He said, "Not that that's bad, but add a female vocal to distinguish it more."

Here's the good part:
He said, and I quote, "I especially liked your bridge."


P.S.
I forgot to mention that another respected and therefore influential writer came in when I posted, and ECHO'D what the first person had said about the bridge!! It all took me by surprise.

Here's the lyric:

RAISING MAX Nov 12, 2006

When he stomps right through a puddle
I smile and say, cut that out
With a sheepish grin, he invites me in,
Till we’re both splashing about

Chorus
I've been given the task of raisin’ Max
Turns out he's raisin’ me
Given the task of educatin’ Max
I’m learning to be three . . . . . .
And in case you haven’t detected
I’m bein’ ressurrected
Max is raising me.

He says thank you to the smallest ant
Excuse me when he bumps a tree
Now I’m hearin’ my own voice askin’
Mr. Squirrel, are you chatterin’ ta me?

Makin' up songs with gay abandon
Not a worry ‘bout how he sounds               
I take his cue, dare to sing one too
And another one lost is found

Chorus Repeat. . . ending with:

Without his even tryin,
My old self is dyin’
Max is raising me.

Bridge
Well how can it be that my Max is only three
The light of Wisdom shining in his eyes
Ever leading me
To the Joy I rarely see
The Spirit that my fearful soul denies

He delights in simple Play Dough
The funny moo moo of a cow
Helps me find a little peace of mind
Celebrate the here and now.

Out-Chorus
I've been given the task of raisin’ Max
Turns out he's raisin’ me
Given the task of educatin’ Max
I’m learning to be three
With a little boy I was gifted
Cheerfully uplifted
Max is… rai…sin’… me

© 2010 Terry C. Graham & Lisa Gundling

Hey Terry,
I do, do that( with my own motive) and polish in between, when I have opportunity to hear my songs song.

That's not the only time, rarely have I left something unfinished
but that's to my ability, thinking I, by myself can take it no farther. I am a big rewriter.

Trust myself?? I'm not there yet, though sometimes I still feel something in a songs that's been raked.

Humility?? That's reality for me,
I have so much yet to learn, and have alot of respect for a great writer and appreciation of their giving of thier time.

I love the way thay song was written, it takes me back to things I learned raisin' my kids.

Geneva

Thanks!
Want to hear it?

I'd love to Terry!

Geneva




Btw

My oldest grand daughter is 14.... when she was 2, I took her to the beach alot, we did alot of fun kiddie stuff but most fun was makin' up silly songs.. This is REALLY silly but Averyl remembers that song as fun times and sings it to this day. One of her memories.

She's a little beach bunny with sand in her hair, sand on her nose, sand in her toes,
She's a little beach bunny with sand in her hair, sand on her nose and toe'sys....

Turned into a longtime mem'ry for her so to me that little bit of fun is irreplacable, my best song!

Your wish . . .

Very rough work tape -- the kind I do just so I don't lose track of a prospective melody and vibe -- so it's got a verbal slip-up in the second chorus, and very unpolished vocal. . . but it goes to show you that people who know music well,
will focus on what you are obviously striving for, and overlook when you missed the mark. That's why most publishers say, "Single instrument/vocal is O.K., just make sure the vocals are up front."

Kawashima was at various times at Sony, in charge of Lionel Richies catalogue, Michael Jacksons and Dylan's and yet gave a generous ear to my simple effort.

I love your "simple effort"

I have an ear for what a song "could sound like" in my mind.

I think you did an amazing job with it!

( I also have an ear for rucuss out back LOL!) My dog diesel broke a couple fence boards again, shoulda let him in earleir.

140 lb rotweiller who's 3 years old and still thinks he's a puppy, chases everything that moves and don't know his own strength! GRRRRR


Hey and....
"First Aniversary was such a great idea!
First aniversary of a first date sounds like areal original hook to me!

Geneva

Thanks again for the sincere feedback.
Raisin' Max migrated through a several changed versions.
Once a song starts to look like it could really be entertaining for someone else to even read, let alone "hear", it becomes like a house where the roof has to be finished because rain is in the forecast. It ceases to be laborious when one becomes enthusiastic about the song itself. From there, the whole concept and the completing is mostly all downhill.
The music was quick and easy and because I have to labor so much more to create a lyric with the strength to stand alone; the music is usually the far lighter load -- like icing on the cake.

You wrote:
"I have an ear for what a song "could sound like" in my mind."

That's great because it then makes you a good reviewer of your own stuff.
But the qualifier there is that you don't want to be expecting listeners to just know what you intended, because you are so fully aware of your good "intentions". You may not have objectified your vision.

You wrote:
"First Aniversary was such a great idea!
First aniversary of a first date sounds like areal original hook to me!"

I posted that song on JPF a while back but your comments on it, hit me where I live.
I felt the same as you just generously put it.
The caution with forum review is that if one doesn't "trust oneself" or one's own intuition enough, and the strong points you felt seem to go unrecognized, then one can have the momentum of enthusiasm dissipate -- like setting oneself up for a fall.

But the equal and opposite error is when a writer is too passionately clinging to a particular version or section or line, that they stunt their receptivity to good suggestion -- or, like some newbie writers, they are convinced that letting any drastic changes in from outside, will curtail their precious "individuality" or "creativity". Big mistake!

That's the unhealthy limitation where the ego predominates over
THE SONG!!!

The song is something to be "given"
and so every trace of subjective involvement or ego or covetousness has to be edited out. :-)

Terry

i think you found paradise, it's written in each line of your chorus to help others find it too, Lovely song....~~~MFB III

Hi Terry,

You mentioned Old Mother Hubbard a few posts back..

It fit a rewrite of another song I was reworking!

Great advise you give me, I do have a hard time not believeing in my song if the feedback doesn't support it.

I don't have any trouble giving up a thought if it can be improved on and they all can.

Geneva

Hi Geneva,

Did you mean that you used some lines from My Mother Hubbard verse, or that the Mother Hubbard verse, had some effect on your approach to a song?

Terry

Hey Terry,

Old mother hubbard,
Lived in a lyrical cupboard

"dated on 12/21

I meant old Mother hubbard helped me with a bridge on such a long wordy song, this is the rewrite but I think it needs more cuts..

Besides that point, it had a v3 that dragged into Sunday dinners, and how in ther 50's we didn't need to worry about weight watchin, didn't eat alot of fast foods, etc..

It kinda went "on and on" so to speak, so far I've cut v 3, totally changed the bridge, thinking it's much shorter, still feeling like I need to cut alot so it don't get monotomus,

Then mother hubbard triggered something that took it in another direction (for the good), still needs alot of work, but gave me direction, cause as I was rewriting, I was originally just saying the same thing in the same wordy way!

It's called things were differont back then.

Geneva

Thanks Mfb,

I hope we all get there in our relationships one day!

Geneva

Hi Geneva,

I haven't read all the comments so I may be repeating them, but I LOVE version 2 of this! Not that I didn't like the rest but something about that one really stuck for me.

No matter which one you end up going with I do look forward to hearing it! Please be sure to let me know when the song is ready to hear, it's easy to miss stuff on here since this place is so busy.

Dottie

Thanks Dottie,

I'm still thinking about this one.

Geneva

Hey Nightengale we should start a "Wordy lyrics clu"..I get accsued of that a lot too. this song is lovely....it is in and of itself a paradise...it holds all those fond memories we all have of being somewhere with someone we love, and just that alone would make even the roof of a ten story walkup in August seem delightful
~~~MFB III

Hey MFB I agree,

There's a place in my county rock/ rockabilly for all those words but I can't get that tune out to show anyone to get feedback on a more complete song.

Geneva

Sorry MFB,

My last post was confusing..

No rock or rockabilly here, just a mid tempo county love song.

Geneva

Finially got to more revisions.

THANK YOU TERRY!

Still debating over the shorter or longer chorus.
I like both ideas!

Geneva